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I am married for past 6 years & living in Singapore with hubby & 3 yr old kid. My hubby is the only child of his parents & they r super possesive. Because of my upbringing & sensitive nature I never grudged them inspite of them always interfering in our married life and treating us like kids. I was miserable when we were living with them in India but did not complain to my hubby nor did I disallow them to join us in Singapore when we moved here 2 years ago.But unfortunately things started going down rapidly. They too moved in with us (on my invitation )& used to spend the whole day playing with the baby while I did all the house work. if we ever planned a night out for movie etc my FIL would taunt me saying my MIL is a maid to look after the kid. After working the whole day they would not let me enjoy my kid even in the night & insist that she sleep with them.My FIL is highly anti social & hates anybody coming home. I have relatives here but inviting them or any friends over was totally out of the question because of all the taunts. he is by nature a very hyper critical & sadistic person who wants everyone to genuflect to him. He has completly turned my MIL against me too. She is feeling insecure that we have moved out of her house & with my FIL' s constant influence thinks that I am going to take her away from her son & grandchild Now I have got a job & employed a full time maid. But things have not yet improved for us. Every night I am stressed if my kid will come to me. Now that she is with grandparents the whole day she wants to be with them even when I am at home. They too encourage her not to go to me. I feel very bad that my poor innnocent kid is caught between our power struggle. There have been times when my husband has been on tour so my inlaws have camped in my room to take my child away. Once they r out of the room my kid is very happy to be with me & listenes to stories while she falls asleep. It is very irritating when they appear in my room every time they hear her voice. we r not talking to each other at all & it is very irritating going home to 2 people who r always frowning at u.Because of this attitude I have stopped interfering in the kitchen totally... My MIL supervises the maid who does most of the cooking. I just ensure that the kitchen is fully stocked.I dont want to get involved with her at all because she does not answer me when i ask her what to cook & when i cook what I like she makes stupid comments... Please advice me ...
1) This kind of life is causing me & hubby a lot of stress. I beleive my Inlaws also cannot be happy in this situation
2)My inlaws claim they cannot stay away from my kid & & undergoing all these ' insults' just to stay with her.The problem is that they have become so highly sensitive that I can never be sure what is insulting to them. I think that both are having some sort of psychiatric problem that causes them to be so sensitive & drive everyone nuts.I try to avoid them all the time as whenever i speak to them about even a neutral issue they find it insulting if not anything it is my ' tone of voice' that upsets them even though i am a very soft spoken person.
3)What is the most humane way of dealing with this situation? we can ask them to go back home but it will kill them as they r so attached to the kid & already so insecure. I have requested my MIL many times to deal with this situation in a mature manner or we will reach the point of no return in our relationship. Now I beleive my relationship with them is totally beyond saving with so many unkind words unnecesarily being exchanged. One night she screamed at me for almost one hour saying ' u did this u mean this' etc etc & i was so shell shocked at the way she had misunderstood me. For the first time in my life i called my mum & cried like a baby & begged her that i will come back home. My mom supported me saying that this is my house & if MIL is not happy there she should leave not me.
4) My relationship with hubby esp intimacy has totally disintergrated mainly because of the stress I am undergoing. There are times when he supports me & times when he blames me for asking them to come over & stays with us. He knows his parent' s nature & had asked me not to involve them in our life here, but I insisted on calling them as i used to feel my kid should have company of grandparents like i had enjoyed when I was a kid. They used to call us 4-5 times a day & insist they r missing her so much.Now we are all suffering & wondering if life will ever get back to normal again.My inlaws r very happy with each other & support each other but they cannot see their own son enjoying a happy married life. Help me please,,,,, Savvy replied. Hi,

My first question to you is \" Are your in-laws going to stay permanently with you?\" My second question is \" If your husband had warned you about his parents behaviour, why did you not pay any attention to his words.\"

When you mentioned that your F-I-L taunted you that his wife was not a maid to look after your child, I remembered how my F-I-L had made a similar comment. My F-I-L commented that \" I made my M-I-L a cook.\" I think our stories are very similar. I had a very bad time when my in-laws came to visit me in the US a few years ago. My in-laws were very rude and bossy. I went through an emotional roller coaster after that.

My dear friend, you cannot let your innocent child turn his/her face against you. I feel they are super possesive about their grandchild and feel that they have full authority over the kid. You should have full power over your child when you return from work or else the child will have no love for you.

I confronted my in-laws when I could take it no more but they did not want to talk in a mature way and we ended up quarelling. My husband asked them to leave because of their animosity towards me. Later, they said that my husband should have control over me and blah blah blah... They did not hate their son but hated me. Their nasty comments had turned me into an angry woman. I did not feel so much anger within me.

If they are temporarily here, then just be patient until they leave. If they are permanently here, then it surely is going to be hell. They are going to accuse you for everything and destroy your peace. You can only talk to your husband and if he is understanding and mature ask him to deal with his parents in a nice way. I am not sure if that will help. Don' t let them get on to your nerves. Just spend quality time with your kid. I know it is very difficult in such situations. Shravani replied. Hi Madhuri,
When I read your post , the first thing I felt was , that you are such a warm, mature , sensible and peace loving person. Somehow I could relate my own problems with yours. I find it very much alright for you to have invited your inlaws to Singapore. After all we cannot be so selfish to just think of our own single family and forget about our elders. in fact it is our first duty to take care of them, to respect them . So first give yourself a pat on your back.
Now the question about your inlaws behaviour. Clearly they r insecure, want to control you and are taking you for granted. I can suggest a few things to you:
1) Do not ever feel guilty for whatever accusations they make.
2) Dont take a back seat, be the leader, take the important decisions of the house and your child.
3) Respect them but also show them that you can think with your head.
4) Dont pay anty heed to your father in laws rules , ifyou do not agree with them.
5) Give priority to your child and husband.
6) Continue to be firm, do not just give in because you dont like this unnatural environment in the house.
7) Never tell them to leave your house. That decision is not for you to take.
8) Try to enjoy your life with your husband. Let him talk to his parents whenver you three want to go out on weekends.
9) Take charge of your daughter as soon as you come home.
10)Take charge of the kitchen as soon as you come home. You dont have to ask mil what to make . If she doesnt want to eat what you make , let her cook separately, but again , it will be mils decision to do so, so you cook for everybody.
11) Appear to be very happy when you r at home, very free, happy, sing songs, laugh a lot, play with your daughter, invite your relatives, it is very necessary for your daughter, so u dont need fils permission.
12) Be strong , never cry, plead, apologise, or sulk in front of them.
This will help you to be happier ,and think straight , dont be overshadowed with their way of thinking. They are still clinging to their older memories, are not mentally secure, so they are creating all these problems. Show them that you can handle them . Dont fear anyone, you have not done anything wrong. And dont even feel guilty. More important, let your daughter sleep with you at night, This will create a close bonding between you and her.Tell your inlaws that firmly that she will be sleeping with you. You need to be a bit bold .
Take care and Good Luck. Keep us updating in future. Swapna replied. I have sobered up a bit now .I was literally seething when I wrote my first reply.
now,a few questions : Do you ever spend some one on one time with your child?
Do you ever take her out , make play dates or get involved in some mom and tot groups? What do you on weekends and holidays? I can' t understand how your ILs can knock on your door in the night when your child cries ,much less sleep in your room. A simple solution would be to lock the door and don' t answer.
Take your child out on weekends and holidays away from ILs and eat out. if they call you on your mobile ,switch it off.
Does your husbnd know you are not on speaking terms with one another? If yes ,does he pester you to make out with them. If no,then your job is all the more easier. Simply tell him that you and ILs can never see eye to eye on any issue and the situation is only getting from bad to worse. You can tell your ILs to move out. It may sound odd and difficult at first ,but once you had it out of your mouth it' ll be much easier and better. If they are desperate to see their grandchild ,you can take her to India for a vacation. (Here ,I would never invite them to come to see their grandchild ,once bitten twice shy -call me paranoid).
Come back and update us. I can so relate to your situation coz something similar is going in my house. Ritika replied. Madhuri,

If material comforts were a guarantee for happiness, the richest people in the world would be very happy.

Do you think that is so?

I don' t know about Vaastu or black magic, but I do know that people have free will. And if they are behaving in a particular way, then they are choosing to do so.

Your MIL or FIL throwing tantrums and driving yr daughter away from you. That is a choice they are making. You can blame the entire world/neighbor/potsman/milkman for it, but the fact remains is that THEY are the ones who are acting up.

You are giving more priority to your old memories (of living with yr grandparents), guilt (of MIL having helped you during yr Masters), fear of setting boundaries in your own household, scared of MIL/FIL emotionally blackmailing you etc.

You are giving less priority to your marriage, your daughter' s relationship with you, peace in your house etc.

That is a choice YOU are making. The vaastu might have something to do with influencing everybody' s minds, but I' m not too sure...Sorry, if my words came out a little strong. But I do agree with Namita that whatever is happening right now in yr house will negatively affect yr child.

There is no perfect solution to this and you are not going to win any popularity contests judged by yr in-laws. Yes, they will be upset and yes, they will blame you...but you are not their marriage counselor. The way things are going, it might be that pretty soon, you might need one. Do you think your MIL will come to your rescue then??

Pls think. Deeply. All the best. Namita replied. Now i think the prob. is with u, u are not letting urself live happily .... u r thinking more of them then abt. ur child,husband and urself.... nothing wrong with vastu .... u r not handling situation properly .... do something soon as this enviornment at home will not only affect ur childs upbringing it might also affect ur relation with husband. Namita replied. If u r in singapore, i think the visa is valid for limited period of time ... so if it is so, then they have to automatically go ... till them u need to keep quite ... abt ur child staying with them most of the time, y dont to u straight away tell them tht now after coming back from office u want ur child with u .... i dont understnd ur prob., how can anyone b so soft hearted and soft spoken that ur own child is going away from u and still u cant do anything ...
Abt. ur FIL .... tell them that u only want to listen from them when they r in need or want something from u ... otherwise they shud nt speak to u (dnt forget they r stayign in ur home) .. tell them bcoz of all the prob. at home u r nt able to perfom in office and it is creating prob. and bcoz of all this u have developed Migrane and u want PEACE... one thing is good tht ur hubby is with u .... the only one solution to ur prob. is b strict with them and if the visa is getting expired then well n good Madhuri Madhuri replied. Thanks for all your replies
All the suggestions are very valid but asking them to go back is not at all easy
I am not a cruel person & my hubby is the only child of his parents... When we were newly married I had some good experiences with my Inlaws.. both are well educated and intelligent & proud people. Asking them to go back is the worst kind of insult & I dont know if i can do that. My FIL has the kind of personality in which i believe he enjoys others being hurt & disturbed. when we were in India he used to make my MIL suffer a lot because of his taunts & would not allow her to socialise with her friends. Now that she does not have any friends here he is supportive of her but both are turning against me as they r not getting so much importance now that I am running the house & do not turn to them for every decision. In fact once before our marriage, my MIL had to even take psychiatric treatment because of this constant stress from FIL. I am sure she will be reduced to the same condition when they go back so she is avoiding going back. I don’t know maybe if this stress continues then hubby & me might also have to go for some counselling. I am seriously looking at that option. I am worried about him & feel very guilty for putting him in this situation.

You are right , I had very different set of grandparents. My grandfather was my mother’s dad who stayed with us since I was a baby as my grand mom passed away. He used to spoil us but also was strict with us. My grandmother was papa’s mom who never got over the grief of losing her hubby and used to be very sick many times. My dad was the youngest of 5 kids & he alone took care of her while all the other siblings wanted to put her in a home. Because of my background I always felt that it is our responsibility to look after our parents. But I cannot be the traditional bahu all the time looking after the kitchen & kid & asking permission for everything in my own house.. My mother never had to do that as her MIL was infact very dependent & attached to her more than her own kids. My MIL does not have any daughter & she has never lived with her own MIL so she cannot put herself in my shoes. I have to think 10 times before speaking with her & even then I get into trouble. I don’t know how I can make this intelligent mature lady understand what harvoc she is causing in her own son’s life

Thanks again for all the help & I am looking forward to some more tips from my friends in indiaparenting
Ritika replied. I hope you realize that you have your husband is correct.

You have invited trouble for yourself. Now the only person who can help you is yourself.

Your MIL and FIL may have insecurities but they are adults. You have been treating them as children whose every whim has to be catered too.

You might have had a different childhood with grandparents around you...but hey you had a diff set of grandparents.

I think you also need to give up your rose tinted glasses. Face reality that your in-laws are never going to change much. Your marriage is facing issues, your daughter turns away from you.

Your mom and husband are right. You need to ask yr husband to tell his in-laws that they need to go back to India. You can tell them that you will come on vacations to visit them.

But frankly you all need space from each other.

You are trying to be nice - but to what end. Everybody is suffering as a result including you. Your in-laws might have unreasonable expectations from you but that' s their problem. Not yours. You have a right to happiness with your hubby and child and you are throwing it all away for some misplaced sense of goodness. sonu replied. hi Madhuri

It was so sad to read ur story..I have a son of 13 months and if my inlaws did that then i would be devastated.
First i think u know but u should have never called them over especially when u have encountered problems with them when u was living in india but whats done is done. U have a postive aspect that ur husband agrees with u that his parents are like that. Can u husband not speak to his parents?
I think its gone beyond a joke now..if u dont put a stop to it now then u will loose ur daughter forever. U have to be cruel to be kind.
My sister in law accuses me of not letting my son bond wth my fil but my inlaws live far away and at the moment he is too young to go no his own but when he is older i wll send him with my husband as my husband wants to take him. (me and my inlaws have issues) but if i get the slight inclination that they are trying to turn him against me then i will stop him going there. U have to be strong on this one as u are at work all day and u dont know what they are telling ur child.
I personally think its best if u tell them to go bak home wheter they like it or not. Already u try not to talk to them and one day will come that u will hate even the presence of them so before that happens tell them to go as thy are talking ur child away from u. Such people dont deserved happiness even if they are grandparents.
U must be really patient to put up with all this i would have gone mad and said something by now...
Thing is that they are never going to change and u have to be the one that changes the situation as u wont be able to change them or else u will suffer and so will ur marriage.
Take care for now and let us know the outcome.