Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi
I am married for the last 2 years and 2 months..when i first got married all was fine for the first few months, and then i began to notice that my mil would not tell me things and just speak to her son, anything going on in the family would all be passed through him and i would be told last minute and expected to tag along but i still carried on doing it. Then i become pregnant and things really kicked of then, My mil never asked me once that how are you or do u feel like eating something etc and then preaches that she treats me like a daughter (yeah whatever) My sil and mil are together so they gossip about everything and talk about me all the time which i have proof. Then my son was born and as u know as it was a boy they were over the moon. She came to my house for the naming ceremony not telling me anything. Firstly me or my husband did not want to do it but because of my son being their first grandchild i agreed to it and god what a mistake that was. They all came, bearing in mind i had a c section and jsut came back from hospital. they did whatever they do in their caste as i am married into a different caste and we dont do the same things. they did not tell me once what they are going to do or how they will do it.
Then on the last day my husband said to his mum that next time round we will not do all this and she strted crying and when i came down i asked my husband what happened and he said this is what he told her. So she spoke to her daugheter from my house and told her, then the other daughter on teh way back home and then my fil and another daughter when she got back home, The whole blame came onto me saying i did not let her give my son a bath when i was never even told, i am not a physchic that i would knwo what she wants to do. and that i was cyring as i didnt want the naming ceremony, but they forgot that my hormones were up everywhere after i had a baby.
Then comes diwali and my masi comes to over to my mil while i am upstairs feeding my son she is downstair gossiping and talking to my masi about my family, so the next day my sil tells me that somethign was going on...so i went back home and a few days later i spoke to my masi and asked her did my mil say anything to u and she said oh how did u know..then i told her n she told me the whole storty...i was mad...told my husband but he cant speak up to his parents adn has never spoken to them about the issues.
then in april we moved house and they came over to see it so my husband said sort it our with them so i told them everything what they had done etc and they denied everything and lied about eveyrthing. So how can u resolve anything when they are lying. Now my husband expects me to go there even after everything they have done (the above is not even 50 of what they have done) so i said no i will only go on occassions now as i am not gonig to be insulted and not spoken to when i am tehre...they now call and fil speaks to my husband but mil does not call anymore.
My husband still cannot speak up to them but if will not be walked over. My sil had a big argument with me saying that i have to forget it all and move on and i have no respect for them etc basically siding them and blaming them. Yes i do not do my dutiful duties anymore cause i really have no respect for them after what they have done.
Am i being unfair? ss replied. Looks like most of IL' s are same as urs.
My IL' s don' t tell me anything they will just tell there son. My marriage is an arranged marriage and we both r from same cast.Worst thing is even when they do something to my SIL' s they won' t tell me. we have some function we do for SIL' s for every 5 yrs and my IL' s r financially dependent on us and we will send money for everything and they will inform about that to only my Hubby. I will try to control my temper and anger but somehow it upsets me very much. My hubby can' t say anything to them bcoz he says that at this age he can' t hurt their feelings.

One good thing is I don' t have to deal with my IL' s on daily basis since we live in abroad. But when we visit them they will complain lot of things about my behaviour, my dressing(real!! my saree color etc), my jewellery etc. And my husband beleives some of them.

Last time we visited them, we gave a prty for my daughter' s hair cutting ceremony and guess what it was our party and I was like guest at my IL' s house. my MIL didn' t told about anythign to me and everything was managed by my SIL and her husband. My MIL didn' t even told me what sarees etc they gave to our relatives.when my husband asked then she was telling so and so.But My MIL asked my SIL about what sarees to put etc and MIL followed her direction.They complained to my hubby that I was not mingling with people at the party etc. and my hubby beleives that and asks me to change that habit. The truth is i never met most of there relatives as we were living abroad and MIL didn' t introduced me to them then how cna I talk with them ???

I used to cry and feel so depressed at first. BUt now, after 6 yrs of marriage I kind of leaving those things behind. But sometimes it bothers me so much that I will think about just those things for week.

One thing I can tell u is, if u won' t talk or won' t do anything when Il' s say somehting about u or ur parents they will keep brining those stuff againa nd again. But if u say something to them then they may back off little bit. Since they can' t see somebody pointing fingues at them coz they can' t do anything wrong!!!.

U took a brave and good decision.Just think what u want to do and implement it. dia replied. Hi Leena,
ITs just very very common and rarely girls get fair natured mil/inlaws.
So, just think about other things. Yes, I too am not fortunate enough to be a rare dil. So mine is same story but not direct attacks..only indirect attacks which ? I lately know whats happening behind me . But I stopped to react to them. I just be so sweet to them just like they do. Also tell my hubby things from myside too only once in a while. No nagging with hubby ,please!!

So,Design ur life acc to ur taste and pl dont spare any time for thinking about them. I think u r not working, if u find any job that occupy ur mind ,really it help u alot.

So, Solution is just stop thinking about them because hubby is with u and they can' t do any harm to u!

Yes, I understand coming out of those thoughts is really a tough job. But ,Here is one solution...recently I was in a state where i couldnt forget what MIL has done for me and was unable to concentrate on any other work. Then I did one thing..Just while getting thoughts about them, SIT in front of god and believe in him that he is taking off all ur sarrows and burdens on ur mind, relax and relax ...Just look into god' s eyes thats it, Spend 5 minutes in this state. U feel very lightened afterwards...Yes, now god has taken charge of ur problems and never he let those thoughts come ur mind.

Pl follow this technic , Keep trust in god that he is looking at u and listening to u while u r spending time with him... He' ll take all ur sarrows .It worked for me and i became very peaceminded. Hope u' ll follow it.

All the best.Solution is in ur hands, they r not going to change ,so dont expect it. But... STILL, u can be happy though they disturb constantly.question urself what u r loosing because of them.. ITS ONLY PEACE OF MIND . not more than it. So regaining ur peace is just in ur hands...GAin and hold the peace in ur heart, dear. U' ll really love this change. Saheli replied. Hi Leena.
All this is not new. Read other posts here, ask other friends here .... and me too ... we have had all tasted different flavors of this attitude. So, my dear, get used to it and accept it.

Such things from inlaws are all common. Don' t be bothered. Instead, feel good. You are like a centre-of-attraction, a star person, a heroine(!?) of the movie .. and they have nothing else than to talk about you! Doesnt it sound great?
Dont expect inlaws to tell you things, its against their ego. Its been 8 yrs for my marriage, but in my house I am still not informed anything, nor asked.
I am not bothered anymore. If I can do it, i do. If I am not prepared, I refuse and say I should have been informed.

Dont expect anything from them and you will be happy.

You have taken a right step - to be clear and strong about what you want to do, how much to involve with them, and how much to let them interfere in your matters. Its a positive that you stay away from them.

Your hubby seems to support you. Its a great thing dear. If you hv red other posts and red how hubbies treat wives ...you will know! He has supported you at times it was needed to raise a voice (rare hubbies do that). He has passed a msg to inlaws that he is with u so they cant take u for granted. He is keeping quiet at other times, and he is right. Its not a good idea to raise voice at all times. All it does is create issues. They are his parents afterall, howsoever they are. They are never going to accept mistakes. So trust hubby, thank him. Another rule, NEVER let your folks talk to your inlaws. Plainly refuse.

Whatever has happened has happened. Take lessons from it. Your sil is right in a way. These relationships cannot be broken for these not-so-serious reasons. Forgive, forget and move on. And be ready if it happens again. It will. Do your duties as you have said.

As time passes, you will get used to it. There are many better things to do. Life is passing. Enjoy it. Such people and issues are not worth wasting precious time of your youth.
Be happy and best wishes.

M hoping others will share their stories with you. May make you feel better and tell u that we all are sailing same boat!