Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I have been seaching for some place to put my problem and get some help -


I have been married for 6 years and have a 2yr old kid. Ours was love marriage without any issues both the parents agreed easily. My parents are well off and I am too earning good,
my MIL started saying bad things about my family and me to my husband from beginning onwards as he is the only one earning good and she doesnt want to loose her power over him. my FIL is just joru ka gulam and doesnt have guts to face my MIL over any matter. we have never stayed in joint family but whenever they visit us even after they left our relationship becomes hell.


my husband who himself is very lazy, lethergic, doesnt take any pain in household work or any other responsibility. He doesnt even communicate with me well, I dont remember any instance when we sat and discussed over any problem. Always he uses me as maid and passes negative remarks. also he doesnt play actively with kid. he is too reserve and very lethargic. doesnt want to eat heathly or go exercise. I dont think in last 7 yrs he has appreciate anytime me for my cooking or look or any thing. He is not bothered about me and it only me who is taking all the steps to prevent out marriage. he always wants repect for him and his family and money in his hand.
our child goes to day care and doing well, I spent quality time with him in the morning and evening and weekends. I also do all cooking and household work by myself. sometimes my husband helps me voluntarily, but if I ask him for small help either he will not do it or will bluntly say that he is not my servant. I need to discipline my kid a this age whereas I keep spending time on my husband, he does changes his dress after office or at night, not even removing plates from dining table.
the more I try to help him in improving on such small small things, he is becoming more n more adamant. sometimes our house is full of mess, I am okay with that too but over that his really heart breaking commemts.


He is not even ambitious about his career. I am earning much higher than him, but I have never highlighted it.

Life looks to me a big challenge and I am handling it all alone,I am scared thinking of breaking the relationship, as it will not be good for kid. but I am really really tired of this life.I have met with car accident twice because of poor sleep and less concentration, but thankfully no injuries. please suggest what should I do to improve our relationship.


thanks a lot reading my problem -
Sabina replied. Hi,

You mentioned that yours is a love marriage. Did your husband have the same charateristics that he has now or has he changed over a period of time. If he has changed lately, then you should get to the root of his problem. You should ask yourself \" Why has he changed and why he isn' t interested in doing anything?\" I have a feeling that all may not be well at his job and that might be shattering his self confidence and image. My dear friend, I am just speculating based on what you have written. Also, men feel inferior when their wives are doing much better in their careers. It is very natural. Also, men often do not talk about their feelings. Women express themselves much better than men.

I think you should find an opportune time to sit and discuss at a length about your feelings and also to find out what is going on with him. Before seeking professional help, I think it would be better for an open discussion which is healthy for the relationship itself.

I hope all will be well soon with your relationship and you will be a happy family.

God bless! Namita replied. I know its very frustatting when hubby is not helpful... my sis' s hubby is the same and her condi. is worst then urs as her hubby keeps on leaving jobs sometimes sits ideal and she stays with her torturing in-laws .... i can see that u dont want to break ur marriage, then the option is - follow everything waht Saheli have told u.

Abt. ur hubby' s attitude, that household and child care is womens work, u shud very smartly get this attitude change and it is not easy as he is born and brought up with this attitude (i have the same prob. now my hubby is understanding bt in the early days of our marriage even i have faced lots of insults). Start living for urself and ur kid .. try to change ur husabdn but dont keep on thinking abt it. Saheli replied. 1) Leave hubby
2) Accept him as he is
3) Try and change him for good

You wd say you want to go for option 3.
With this, you again have following options
1) Go to a counsellor
- counsellor can suggest ways which you will implement and counsellor will never come into picture
- will talk to hubby and counsel him

Some Indian counsellors offer online help for people who are not in India. Depending on how serious you are, you can choose to go to a counsellor. A counsellor' s approach will be professional, error free, proven, and FOR EVER (ok we assume they are like that!)

2) Try and change his habits yourself. You can do this by reading on internet. A number of ' sights' are available where you can read about different psychologies, temperaments, and professional approaches to go about those.

Remember that you wont be able to change your hubby entirely, you will have to live with some unpleasant habits. Secondly, you will own the results of your actions so you will have to PLAN IT, be very thoughtful and careful. It will take a long time as you have your job and kid to look after.
You may need to sacrifice some activities to pay attend to priorities + hubby' s changes.

Note down all the things that you want to change about your hubby. Also note the positives he has. Group the bad habits that you can target and then go about them one by one. You wont be able to change everything about him in one go.

As you are doing that, you will need to be positive towards your hubby, and positive towards achieving your objectives, and determined to never quit, even if it takes years.

Telling someone that hey you never help me, i do it all alone, please pick dinner plates - will make that person repel. Stop showing him that he is not good/not doing/ Stop showing him you are one-up.

Even if you never talk about money, it is hurting his ego somewhere that you earn more than him. And this may be effecting his attitude towards you. This feeling can be minimised ot eliminated only by love, and by massaging his ego that he is great. Praise things in which is is good, ALSO praise things he thinks is good at. And not say a word what he is bad at.

Stop nagging him, instructing him. Note down his interests and start taking interest in things that he likes, so that you become more friendly to him. For eg, if he likes cricket, start getting interested in it, sit with him to watch a match, talk about it and enjoy. This will make you more friendly, and draw him more closer to you. If he doesnt like to roam around shopping with you, start doing that without him.
By this we are creating room to say \" negative\" to him if needed. If anyone sees all positives and then one negative, he may not get hurt too much. But if he sees all negatives always \" you dont earn well, you dont help in the house, you dont shop with me, you dont exercise, you are fat, you dont take care of kid\" ... so many negatives will make him withdraw into a shell.

So thats the prep work. Now lets target the attitude you have mentioned and the individual items in it.

First and foremost. You mentioned it was a love marriage. Either you knew his habits earlier or not, but you loved him then. Remember those times and start loving him from within, as he is.

He doesnt seem to be too bad a person. You have mentioned he at times helps. Means, he understands. May be his ego or laziness stops him. Whenever he helps you, thank him and appreciate his help.

If you have a common trustworthy friend who can talk to your hubby without mentioning anything about you, take his help.

Start buying magazines with related articles - managing home, husb-wife successful relationship, managing kids .. and all that stuff... and leave them around at places where you know he might have a look. Bedroom, hall, loo, etc.

You can also buy mags with articles on health, benefits of exercise ... more so ... disadv of not exercising ... scary articles like on heart diseases, BP, diabetes ... or good food habits ... and leave them around.

Do you visit doctor for regular check-ups? If it is possible to pre-plan it with your doc, do it, so that he suggests your hubby for exercise and watching his diet.

Start taking care of his diet a little bit (dont overdo) for eg if he likes sprouts, make them for him.

You said he doesnt communicate with you well. I am sure you must have tried it from your side. Try it again by talking to him about his office, his interests like cricket, bollowood whatever .... tell him news from India that you know might interest him (you can read them at \" rediffsight\" (take the clue, use of such words is blocked here).

\" Speak what others want to listen\" is the key.

When he passes negative marks, keep quiet at that moment. Later, go to him, hug him or hold his hand and tell him that you get hurt by such remarks so he should not say that. Also mention that you have changed and you will also never make such remarks to him. He may not accept out of ego but he will realise and gradually stop that.

I dont know how your hubby responds to tears. If you think that is a helpful ' weapon' , use it at times.

You have put your problem over here, otherwise I wd hv suggested you to make tell him about these boards!

Once you start doing above things, let some weeks pass, and then stop being a maid for him. Start being strict. Be helpful, but not a servant. Ask him to do his own tasks himself.

Enjoy time with your kid without expecting much from hubby. Play and laugh and enjoy with kid especially when hubby is around. He is also a dad and will feel like he is missing it.

Start being extra nice to inlaws. Call them up more etc. He wants you to respect him and his family right? (shows he has ego problem). Ok, give him that. Speak what he wants to listen and massage his ego (but dont give-in to moving to India as of now, or inviting them over).

DONT show him that you are trying to change him. I think this attitude of yours has made him do opposite. Its hurting his ego. He may be thinking that you are controlling him because you earn more than him.

Spend more fun time with family, involve hubby. Plan for vacation, outings. Keep him busy with family when he is free.
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Dont think life is a big challenge or anything like that. Everything is fine, and whatever is not, is not a big deal, and also will get better with time.

Did you say car accident? Are you nuts? This issue is not so big dear. Hey Woman - please separate your entity from hubby' s. You have your life, your wishes, your responsibilities.

And dont forget so are his.

Some hubby-wife relationships are too close and they gel too much .. some are not. And there is nothing to feel bad about. Is that everything in life? I dont think so. Is close hubby-wife relationship the aim and objective of your life? Till you think so, you will feel bad about it.

Wake up and realise that there is happiness in other things as well.
Wake up to understand that you are missing small moments of happiness by runnning for a big moment of happiness.

Poor sleep? Concentration? You have a kid dear. You cant afford to be unhealthy.
If hubby is not really good, he doesnt deserve so much thinking and worrying that you get poor sleep. Stop thinking about him. Attempt to change him and them leave it to God.

Change your objectives and you will find ways to go there. Saheli replied. Hi USAMom,
Sorry for a late reply, was busy. Here are my thoughts. The situation is not simple (nor I wd say very complex), and will need good efforts, time, patience and strength from your side.

1) After reading anybody' s situation, I never like to say \" oh I feel sad for you\" , or \" i feel pity\" or \" you are unfortunate\" . Our life is in our hands, our happiness is in our hands. If one wishes, can live happily with 2 time food and 2 sets of clothes ... whereas a king can be unhappy. Its all in your mind.
So if you are thinking anything like that for yourself, first of all, kick off that thought out of your mind.

2) You seem to be a strong and thoughtful person. You are aware of hubby' s strenghts and weaknesses. You are aware of life' s priorities and your responsibilities (the child). These are the positives I see in you.

3) The other positives in your hand I see are - you are not in India (away from inlaws and hubby' s relatives) (well, these are not bad, but in your case I assume this is good for you), you are earning well (financially independent and confident), and you have arranged for kid' s caretaker in your absence.

4) What you additionally need to do irrespective of your problems is - maintian your identity and look after yourself. I dont know if you are already doing these.
Health - look after your health. Long term, not short term. Do this not just for the kid, but for you too. Some exercise or yoga 3-4 times a week preferably daily, include meditation pranayam omkar whatever possible.
Eat healthy food, dont ignore. Maintain some hobby. Atleast once a week, do something that you want to do - buy something for yourself, shop, go to parlor, play a game, visit a friend - whatever you feel like doing in that week.

If you just keep slogging and worrying and not love yourself, it will build up inside and burst out one day. Taking care of yourself with drain your stress.

5) Plan long term and short term goals for you and kid. Gold, real istate, mutual funds, insurance, kid investment scheme where he will get some returns at different ages, emough money when you retire ... - whatever suits u - plan and invest.

6) Keep a strong relationship support for you with some person like mom, dad, sis, brother whatever. Maintain strong relationship with that family. This family should be a family that you know will help you when you need.

7) In any case, dont stop earning. If you think that at any point of time you may need to quit job, then invest at places which will give you yearly returns. Also, try to stay away from inlaws.

So that was overall. Lets look at the problem now. You have following options -