Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello,

I am in a sitaution where my MIL and BIL and his wife tortured us to such a great extent that we left them when I was pregnant. We are staying happily after that. Its ben around 3 years. We keep in contact with them but to a very minimum.. they dont even call us as that would cost them some money. My problem is that I feel sorry for my husband. sometimes.. he becomes sad and feels that he is not able to care for his mom. I am also in favour of caring for elderly people and would have loved to be with her.. but, just to give a jist of the tortures..
they stole my belongings openly and gave reasons like I liked the watch.. you have so much money, you can get yourself a new one. if she would have told me that she wanted a watch like mine.. beleive me i would have got that for her happily. But stealing is not acceptable.
I was not allowed to relax on weekends even in my pregnancy as the whole week my mil and co-sis looked after the house, so on weekends they used to go out or just watch a movie at home and i was supposed to do all the work.
My husband was not allowed to visit my parents place and if stayed overnight even for one night.. it was hell back home.
I was not allowed to buy a house in my name though i was taking the loan and also paying the initial amount.
I do not have a brother and so feel my responsibility towards my parents is more... My sisters are abroad. But, I was not allowed to stay with them, talk to them. My BIL used to take my cellphone whenever he went outside the house. Why didnt he take his brothers phone?
the list is never ending..
Pls suggest how i can make my hubby not to feel guilty. or is he right to be guilty. Did we do something wrong?
a friend replied. Keerti,

I actually see two problems in your posting. 1. Caring your parents and 2. Feeling sorry for your husband as he not allowed to visit his mother. Do not mix up both.

The decision of staying away from them was a good idea. Feeling sorry for your husband is quiet natural as you are a good wife. Forget about past, even if they tried taking your things without your notice. Anyway you are staying away from them, so they do not have that chance now.

As you are feeling responsible for your parents the same way your husband feeling is also natural. First understand your husband' s feeling, is his mother not well or is she not treated properly at his brother' s place or is he over conscious on taking care of her. If your MIL is not treated properly at other place, yes you need to take a step ahead in bringing her to your home. If she is fine there and only your husband is missing her explain him the fact and make him understand.

She is your husband' s mother, there is nothing wrong in you moving ahead and patching up the relation. FORGET ABOUT PAST. I am not asking you to get her to your home. Start calling her on phone first. Slowly make a visit both of you (initially not let him go alone). Take some gifts for them or your BIL kids. Spend some time. You try to be cheerful even if they keep a long face. Try doing it for few times. If you see no progress then once again sit with your husband and make him understand.

Why I am asking you to take the initiative is for the happiness of your husband. If any of the parents are not happy, the home cannot be happy.

Coming to your parents: anyway you are not with your inlaws now. So where is the problem.... After solving your husband' s guilt, try to tell him that even your parents are also our responsibility like your mother (this has to be discussed after your husband comes out of guilt only in a cool mood not aggressively).

You may be seeing a typical Indian girl in my posting. But this is how the relations can be patched up.

BEST OF LUCK!!! sabita replied. Hi.
first of all i sujjest you to be bold and accept that what you did is correct..Look we leave our parents to take care of these soo called HUSBAND , MIL,BIL etc etc and these people when they dont respect u feel hurt...I dont understand why these mil' s dont respect they behave as if our parents are tissues which can be used and thrown out.....You have to be very frank tht you need your parents always..Regarding your husband emotional drama i can understand ask him to visit his mom place for few days and he can stay back for couple of days while you also visit your parents..in tht way you will bot get to spend time with your parents..UNLESS YOUR MIL,BIL DOSENT EAT YOUR HUSBANDS BRAIN against you..