Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I live with my hubby kid mil in Pune. Few days back the family happened to watch the movie Baghbaan on the TV and next day my mil created a big hungama on the same topic. That we dont respect inlaws (particularly me) and we also treat them same! I too have same old issues with my mil but i was surprised to hear that we treat inlaws like that movie. My God that movie i felt was so stupid. They have shown so good parents they are simply wonderful. How many of us have such inlaws or a mil who will make tea for the family in morning also bring it in a tray and moreover say dont worry, i will make it everyday?

I am really upset and angry at her hungama. I mean how dare can anyone say that? And my hubby was quiet even after hearing that. I asked my hubby why are you not saying anything but he dint answer his mom. I had a fight with him bec my mil was directly taunting me that i am a dil like that! How can still any hubby listen to it and keep quite? I really feel like treating her like hemamalini was treated in that movie. She should sleep in maid' s room and backanswer and humulate her just like her dil does. Mil never cooks, just sleeps in her room watching TV and AC and is served everything in her room. She eats 10 times a day, is free to do whatever she wants and nobody dares speak a word. And if i miss anything I have to hear her comments without backanswering.

Why are our inlaws like that? cant they see the difference that is clear? i mean, i am not having any major issue as such in my life with inlaws but i feel even solving smaller issues like this can make lives better. what can we do to make things better? I wanted to hear what women in this baord have to say on this issue and how you all are solving it. Saheli i have read at times about your mil where you have mentioened about her. I must say you are lucky to get a good mil and you havent suffered anything like that. But what are your thoughts about this i wld like to know. You have in a way become my ideal and i love reading all your messages! I also like suggestions from dia, some of ritika' s. I also wanted to tell you all thrro my post that we are going very good on this board as a group of friends helping others. Problem may be posted by one person but we all can learn and use from it and i am sure all will agree to it.

In today' s world where people dont have time to say hi bye to neighbors it is so good to have some place where we can open our heart and find answers for small and big issues which i dont know how would have been possible otherwise. It is surely helping to make lifes better. When i told my hubby about this bord he first said it must be some gossiping board where women curse inlaws. But when i made him read some of the posts he was surprised and clearly impressed. All the board members here please keep up the good work and keep helping each other. desigirl replied. why do this mil compare real life to movies and darma...my il want us to live like sanoli from saath phere ...dude do you see me sleeping in a heavy sari???? the minute i walk out of my room early in the morning all dressed like i am going to wedding but instead go cook breakfast ..its when i will treat my inlaws they way bahoos do in saath phere dia replied. Hi, I was here on board thinking about similar issues and feelings. And I found ur message which reflected mine. I' m so surprised/Excited to know 2ppl on world think about similar things at same time. And started replying ...somehow got some problem in system ,So I had to shut off. Later ,Sterday I logged in just to reply ur' s and when I returned to this issue, again I had to shut off system :) ,Even now, I' m not sure I can post it ...because all my views on it got erased twice. My system is not allowing to reply this issue. At Other messages ,it was fine yesterday :)

Saheli, I' m happy to see ur response. I felt like talking over phone about some things to discuss .I afraid if we start a discussion here,this board memory might not be sufficient :).

subha, know what? Similar thing happened in my home too just 15days back. My FIL too got upset after watching that kinda movie where parents ill treated by son and DIL? I' m surprised to see him upset because FIL is the one who scold his mother(my hubby' s granny at her age of 84 while taking the property share in lakhs of amount. He doesnt seem to see himself as SON in that movie. But in contrast, My hubby never take a penny from father and still tries to meet their expectations better while providing what thye want! So MY FIL N' joy fruits from both generations( HIS MOM AND HIS SON) ,Still he went upset after watching movie and returned to his place back . He was supposed to stay for 2more days with us. but when my hubby asked \" what hpnd ,dad? y r u feeling bored here?\" he answered \" I' m upset after watching movie\" I' m surprised. Later, just the day before u posted this issue, I asked my hubby \" whats wrong with them , And y he involve in movie much and apply to himself and his son , While he is having such a wonderful son?\" My hubby simply sighed and answered \" Me? wonderful? go and ask them if they r content with their son and his efforts,Definitely they say a list of ' to do' s\"
Yes, He is correct. My FIl hasn' t fulfilled his duties as my father did to my brother .He dont even feel to buy a dress to his son,(in these 5yrs e didnt buy a single dress for him) And his son never bother about that (My hubby alwasy feel he has to do for them ,and never notice how mean they r to him nor expect from them) Such a wonderful son he is. Even I never expect anything from them and try my level best to keep them happy .

Only my fil is at fault and always nag his own mom while my mil applies sweet coated words to her in her presence just not to be at fault.Ok, that' ll be different story again. LEt me stop by here.

So, Though we r staying cool and not responding to materialistic thing like monetory things, materials or even not expecting moral support ....And just thinking \" what we can do for them\"
Still they r not satisfied ?

HERE I TELL U WHAT' s THE REASON ...I know clearly what my mil might be expecting from her son...He shd be only loving to them and treat me and my child always as outsiders. But her son is not following her wish only in this matter which make them not to feel content.
Thats It. If I say it loud, my hubby get hurts and fell I might be mean to think so, but this is the FACT.

Answer to most of ur q' s y inlaws behave this way r hidden in what my mil expect from her son. They need financial ,emotional support from son EXCLUSIVELY FOR THEM. not for his family.OK,dear? got me?

I' m not generalising it, and not saying everyone is like this. Only when they r completely dependent on DIL, not only son, they would realise a little and try to take back seat.

But ,I bet some of MILs want their son to live with DIL only for society sake, Or they wouldn' t have even allowed them to marry an outsider..LOL!


SO, Subha, Dont allow ur heart to take their words. Just listen to them and ignore. I dont say ,not to answer back.Definitely u can do it sometimes,But minimise and seem to be ignoring those silly talks.
When, ur mil raise this topic again ask with a firm voice \" Ok, ma,Pl tell me how were u behaving with ur mil,I might try to do that for u \" .Or if u go out of control ,DARE TO ,DECLARE LOUD to her \" YEs, I accept I' m not greates bahu, I' m doing atmost I can, And still u r not satisfied,Then its ur fate to adjust. I can' t do more to it\"
Thats it. Probably they shd stop nagging only if u stop convincing them what u r doing... :).

Ok, bye for now ,dear! manisha replied. Very good board and helping people. Keep it up all! dil replied. well said shubha ... I too have got lot of help from this board. Really good to see women helping out each other like that. Saheli would you like to throw some light on your family? How many kids do you have ?how long you have been married and have you been working always? Saheli replied. Thanks for all that appreciation subha. Sorry I could not manage to reply you earlier. I am surprised to see no replies to your post!
Friends, just in case you were waiting for me to reply as she has addressed me, I would say that - its still open for all to answer. I respect and welcome replies from all. The reason is, its not easy to understand the situation from a small post and we are not proffessionals. We all look at the situation from our angels and answer. More options answered to the post, the better.

Anyways. Subha, do you really expect answers to all those points! I bet it would be the longest post! I may not be able to adress all - forgive me for that.

Well, on the hungama issue, its really sad for elders to behave like that. I find this surprising about our culture - as a bahu we are expected to be everything, but as elders they are not expected to be mature enough, even at that age! If your mil is doing it once in a while, just ignore her. If she is doing it more often and is disturbing peace of home, you can let her know what she is doing, by talking in a cool, polite yet strict manner. Tell her all that you are doing for her, assure her that you too love her ans there is no need to feel insecure, remind her that movies are always exaggerated, point out how she is different from hemamalini, and ask her what she expects more from you, and see if you can fulfill that.
If you say it once, she will erupt like a volcano, so let it be, dont argue after that. By saying once, she should get the message.

And hubby' s are like that! I think sometimes we should learn from them. They ignore matters and dont let it impact their peace of mind.

I agree to you that a mil' s daily fussing makes life miserable. There is no generic answer to it, all issues are different and can be addressed on a case by case basis only.

I too have faced same problems with my mil for few years after my marriage. Life was miserable but its been a long time now, 8 yrs! My mil has changed somewhat (for good), I too have changed (in her favor), and also, we have got used to things now. Moral is, it takes time for new members to get along. But yes, one thing I had to finally do was revolt! After 2-3 years of tolerance, when I finally started speaking up, i too started saying ' No' to things I could not accept. Not to forget, I have learnt a lot from my mil and have accepted and adjusted at a no. of other
places.

One thing i really liked that u have said. If not for a medium like this message board, I dont know where we all can go to look for answers. We cant visit counsellors always, and definitely not for minir issues. Nothing better than having a medium like this.

About your questions -
Its a long answer how I came to this place in my life. It has been somewhat tough journey, will answer that some other time. I would say just one thing ... that love and good relationships should be the base... and we should try to maintain that as far as possible. Try least to hurt anybody, be it MIL or an insect. Forgive and ignore if possible. Dont take things to heart too much. Atleast for materialistic/secondary things, we should be able to implement that. What we sow is what we will reap.
There are better things in life to worry about than thinking what someone commented on my dressing sense. Its true that it takes time and maturity to realise such things, so I dont consider anyone at fault.

Alright. And about joint and nuclear families. Well, I have my opinion but dont know how true is that.
I do feel we are becoming more and more nuclear. Thats where we are going and I dont feel thats quite right.

A Joint family - where parents live with son/daughter, spouse and children is what i feel should be the ideal family.
I simply find it rubbish when they discriminate between boys and girls. Parents can live with son or daughter. And I also feel that kitchen and housework should not be the domain of females only (I dint say babies!). When we can work and earn equally, why cant men help in the kitchen? Its time we changed that.

But our folks have changed the culture only such that its suitable to inlaws and males. They hv changed only those things about women or girl' s parents where they had no options.

They are ok if the bahu brings in money or drives a car, but they still expect her to bring food to their beds, serve them, cook for all and bring up kids.

In all this, the bahoos are becoming more powerful and independent and have started opting out of a joint family. They are losing their tolerance and have started objecting to inlaws even when they call up their son living in the US more frequently! Saying NO to irrational things is definitely that should be done. But how to stop that from exaggerating? We cant. No one can draw a line that these should be objected and those should be adjusted.

And the inlaws/parents of today .. who consider themselves to be too mature/responsible/great citizens .. I really feel sad to see that they do nothing about the indian family culture and watch it destroy quietly. I feel sad about the Fathers/Father in laws especially ... they hold the greatest respect in a family ... and should be the ones putting discipline in the family ... but they are the ones who ... in the house .. eat and sleep .... and when they go out for morning walk they discuss on politics, Congress and NDA and UPA ... they have laughter clubs and yoga classes ... they talk about technological progress and stock market ..... but at home they dont serve themselves the food or make their own tea .... and cant even think of helping by cutting vegetables or making the dough! (Sounds weird? Think about it. Its not a big deal!)

Sigh.

Exaggeration has been the law always. It got exaggerated when the society have charge of kitchen to the lady and money to the man ... and it will now get exaggerated ... when women are more becoming independent ... to the extent that parents/inlaws will suffer.

The kids, in short, are losing tolerance day be day. And the complicated, stressful, new age life is adding to it.

If this goes on, the parents/inlaws of today will not be the ones who suffer (as u have said - they need to learn a lesson). Its you and me - our generation who will suffer.

I think, its time the husbands woke up and started speaking. Its time they told their parents \" ok mom n dad, enough of it, please start sharing the housework load and stop commanding\" . Its also time they opened their mouths and told wives to \" respect and love his parents and stop cribbing for every other little matter\" .

As mothers, we can teach our children to love and respect all. If we show them how we respect the child' s grandparents (our inlaws) and how we love them .. they will pick from us. Else, lets be sure to live life alone or with maids when our children grow up.

Its also imp to teach our kids at this age to treat girls and boys equally. We women crib that we have to own all housechores, but how many of us are teaching same things to our daughters and sons? How many of us are teaching our sons to peel boiled potatoes, arrange plates for dinner or tell them that when you grow up you would need to cook your breakfast and meal? Some days back my son was playing \" house-house\" with his cousin (girl) who visited her for some days. She was the mom and he was the dad, and she was asking him to have food and go to office and she was holding the doll as if it was her baby!
Lol! What a scene even in this century!
I interfered them and asked the girl- are u not going to office? She said ' no i am the mom' . I told her ' your mom goes to office and so do i. So in the game, you will also go to office. And you and the baby' s dad will take turns to cook breakfast or to feed the baby\" .
So they played! subha replied. If you donot mind I have lot of questions for you. I thought better than posting a problem everytime on this board why not find out how to get attitude like you so that i can find my answers myself? Can you tell us how you got such views and ideas for family problems and from where did you learn all this? what are your views about life? When inlaws we know are clearly behaving bad to us obvusly families will move to be more nuclear then where is the Indian culture going? Is it good to go towards becoming nuclear? should inlaws like these not learn a lesson by being nuclear? they deserve a lesson i think. Please tell me so that i can start thinking like you.