Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I have a queer problem, eversince I was a kid my parents have never loved me. They used to fight a lot. My mother always considered her sons as her own. They have never hugged or caressed me. I had to struggle all my life, living in hostels virtually raising myself. Now I have a caring husband who loves me but the fact that my parents don' t even bother to contact me or know how I am sometimes makes me break down. there is no contact between my parents and inlaws my MIL taunts me that I am an abandoned child. Peers in my school also used to do that behind my back. How can I digest this fact that I' m an orphan and have parents only for namesake.
Pls. help. Priya replied. Thanks so much. You seem to be very sensible. To take time out for someone' s problem and address it so patiently- you must be a beautiful person from within.
May God Bless u.
unrequited love replied. Dearest Priya,

I have a very good understanding of your heart breaking problem having lived the same life style as you. In our home my three brothers were seen as little gods while I was banished to my room. Daily my parents felt the need to remind me that I was ' something tolerated not loved & certianly not liked' (their own words to me). After reading your post I was forced to reply.

It is doubtful that there will ever some a day that your parents will suddenly change. Advising you to reach out to them with all your love in the hope that it will miraculously be returned is useless. If that love was ever forth coming you would have known of it by now. It is clear you care deeply for your family and I am afraid to say it is this care of yours that leaves you open to hurt from their lack of caring. I myself adore my parents & wish whole heartedly for one small gesture, one kind word but I am realistic and know that it is this desire that gives them the power to hurt me.

You have a caring husband, as do I, something to be cherished and appreciated. When you feel down or sad that your parents do not love you as they should remind yourself that for a child who knew no love you have found it. You would not be loved by him if you were unworthy of it, obviously there is something missing in your parents if they failed to see how loveable you are! When your feelings are hurt because your parents do not contact you be thankful that in their absence they are not forcing you to re-live those sad memories of your childhood afresh with every visit or phone call. I imagine you are a very loving mother,one who goes out of her way to assure her child of the deep affection she has for them and THAT is what will be your saving grace!

When you break down over the lack of love from your family do you not become more determined to never be the cause of such pain in your child? Surely it has made you more appreciateive of your own child, more considerate and more loving!? Don' t regret the love they denied you, be grateful that it has inspired great caring and a loving heart. Take the negative and seek out the positive differences it has created in you.

With regard to your MIL, I can' t think of no better advice than to say she is a sad woman. Your parents had what seems to be a stressful and unhappy marriage which may or may not account for their inability to love what was right under their noses where as she has te benifit of clarity and uses it against you. If ever you feel so inclined remind her that while it is true your parents have little consideration for you, they at least were decent enough not to rub your nose in that fact. I do wish you the very best and hope that your loving hubby has finally made you see what a charming and loveablewoman you are Saheli replied. I was moved after reading your problem. Though I havent really been in a situation like this, so its not easy to be in your shoes and think how you feel and suggest accordingly. But since I am touched, I want to try answering this, just hoping it helps you.

Agreed that your parents didnt/dont love you and have been partial to you considering ' boys' are better.
Have you ever tried to extend your love to them? Let' s forget for a while what happened before you were married, but post it, have you tried to have a warm talk with mother or father? What I mean to say is, if they are not ' loving you' , you try loving them. Call them up often, ask how they are doing, enquire about minutes details. Send them gifts.

Everybody needs love. Love spreads love. And I would be surprised if any parents hearts wont be touched to see their child loving and caring for them so much.

They also must be facing some issues back home. Even if they are living with son/not, they must be longing for love and care they expected (such issues are common). You can fill that vaccuum.

Extend your hand, whole heartedly. I am sure one day they will also realise what they have missed. But one thing, try but dont expect too much. Expect only love from them as of now and not that they would start going to your inlaws (anyways dont be bothered by what people are saying about your parents and you, Tell them to mind their business or to love their own parents first). Give it your best try and leave rest to God.

O yes .. one more thing .. telling you from my personal experience. If you agree to my suggestion, please start executing it immediately. For tomorrow may be too late. dia replied. Hi Priya,

Pl dont feel bad for a mil' s comments who just had a mental standard of a school going child (u mentioned, she pass comments like in ur schooling, ur mated did) . Just pity her immaturity. No human on the world doesnt respond happily for our sarrows, If someone does it, U need not to consider that one as human and can neglect with pride that u belongs to humankind!

So just ignore ur mil!

Here' s y I said u congrats! Any girl with less affection towards her parents get a b' tiful relationw ith hubby.Yes, she love her hubby and she gets hubb' s love dearly without any comparisons.
Let me tell u example, My MIL is really jealous of my parents and she feed her son all about my parents and while complaining she creats a ' NEW ME' , who is just their daughter but not his wife. So her complaints work effectively.
So my mom advised me to cut the love I have for them, and to visit and talk to them less that he can notice .This must be any married girl' s strategy and then only she can be happy. Surely he love the wife who dowesnt love her parents much.

initially I struggled to follow this very idea of being in less contacts whle being in same city (I' ll be back to USA in couple of months ,And when I remeber this, I surely feel bad for missing these months) .Still, I am not visiting them in weekends.

And I too started telling him my problems with MIL and how she created differences btwn me and my hubby and how it hurted me in clear. Before, whenever I started topic, he never used to believe in me because he used to think,her mom feed her these(Because his mom told him this ).He used to be caring and loving in all other things except his mom thing. But now, He clearly underastand and care for my feelings in this issue even.

So Bottom line is...Though a girl has all the love and support from her parents, She cant n' joy fruits because of monster-in-laws. So ,in ur case u need not to feel hurt for being in distant to ur parents.Because u know for sure u r not that caring!
So Pl dont spoil ur present happiness after marriage while thinking about parents.
Have u ever discussed with ur parents how does their care-not attitude hurt u? How they respond?

Anyway, Just feel happy for ur caring hubby who come along ur rest of the life. And , For a girl, Its just imp to get good hubby. U got it. Pl be happy.Dont think about parents. Every ne has probs in life, we should win them with cheer and happiness.