Role of in-laws:Dont know what to do next - Please help?!
2007-06-21
Name: Very worried wifeMom
I have been married for 11 years now. Got a nice husband with clean habbits..and we are blessed with 2 beautiful kids.
Thinking about my in-laws make me worry and seeing that fact how husband reacts to that make me feel sick and worse.
This is how it goes. He is the youngest of 2 sons. In-laws and his brother and his wife all live in the same house.
Their revenue is from farming. They have got nice amount of land where they can earn a lot of money. (I got a confirmed news from my Dad' s friends, neighbors who lives in that area.)
But my in-laws are not willing to admit it. They will act as if it' s nothing and we send/give some money out of our/his wish earlier (before we had kids) and by compulsion afterwards! My in-laws are very cleaver that they don' t say anyting about their plans, income..etc in that line, neither to say that they are making more or they dont have any money at all.
But it' s my husband who argues with me all the time (I am really tired and sick of this discussion) that Farming wouldn' t make people make any money at all. So my Brother and my parents are really in a need and I should give them money to help!!
But when you see theie lifestyle, have everything at home, (though they are in a village) T.V. Dish connection, Servants, Cell phone (both for my BIL and his wife, who doesn' t go to any work anyway!). ..DVD Player..food processor..you name it they got it.
Well I am not complaining about their well off life, but my husband doesn' t get this in his brain at all. I have tried to make him understand this in many other ways, but nothing worked.
Anyway, the thing which makes me more irritating is.. when they come to visit us here or when we go there, they dont buy any gifts for my kids using the money they got.
In fact, everytime they come here, they ask as to give them some big amount as they can' t manage the expense. We pay for their visa applicaiton process and the ticket and all the traval expenses. On top of it they ask money (a big amount like RS.20000) to get ready for the trip.
What do they get for my kids, 2 set of cloths.... God I don' t any damn thing for me from them. But for theri Grandkids, who they get to meet after a year sometimes after 2 yeaes, can' t they get something with LOVE!??
That' s all my worry?! On the other side, My parents are always good ( I havent paid any money otehr than the Ticket expense) whenever they come, they bring a lot of cloths for the kids, for me and for my hubby too. ON top my parents get some gold items too..
I am not asking by comparing, God I' m not expecting the same as I get from my side, even after they get the money they want can' t they get something nice so the kids would feel happy?!!
Even when we visit to India, all the 10-15 days we stay at his house, we wont go anywhere except for the Local temples which we can go by walking!
Other than that, no shopping, no outing..Just sit at the house and Eat, Sleep Talk...Eat, Talk and Sleep.
For God' s sake after all the years, when I go to India for vacation I wanted to make use of that time and take my kids somewhere, Not to sit at one place and eat and rest for 15 days!! (Does anyone take vacation on Loss of Pay to do this?!!)
But on the other hand, when they are there with their other son and dil, they spend so much to get that grandkid all costly stuff, even they got a gold necklace for that dil the next 2 years after their wedding. They have put their daughter in a nice, expensive school.
Then my question is, if they can spend that much money for his brother and his family, are they taking my hubby for granted. I afraid that' s how it looks like.
But still mu husband says that he should help his brother somehow because he is struggling?!! : (
But the real question is, who is struggling here really? If they are really not doing well, I wouldn' t mind giving them som support, absolutely.
But when they show off, how could I allow?! Anyway, how would I want my husband to realize that they are doing OK and not suffering as he thinks?
How would I teach him the valueness of money? I' m working with so much difficulty , with 2 young kids, juggling with life and not saving anything for ourselves and our kids.
Earlier we gave, but now the situation had changed and it' s time for us to save now for the future.- If we dont what' s going to happen to my kids higher education?!
I sometimes feel like I wasted all these years and I feel depressed! Please help me out , friends. Thanks in advance.
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I have been married for 11 years now. Got a nice husband with clean habbits..and we are blessed with 2 beautiful kids.
Thinking about my in-laws make me worry and seeing that fact how husband reacts to that make me feel sick and worse.
This is how it goes. He is the youngest of 2 sons. In-laws and his brother and his wife all live in the same house.
Their revenue is from farming. They have got nice amount of land where they can earn a lot of money. (I got a confirmed news from my Dad' s friends, neighbors who lives in that area.)
But my in-laws are not willing to admit it. They will act as if it' s nothing and we send/give some money out of our/his wish earlier (before we had kids) and by compulsion afterwards! My in-laws are very cleaver that they don' t say anyting about their plans, income..etc in that line, neither to say that they are making more or they dont have any money at all.
But it' s my husband who argues with me all the time (I am really tired and sick of this discussion) that Farming wouldn' t make people make any money at all. So my Brother and my parents are really in a need and I should give them money to help!!
But when you see theie lifestyle, have everything at home, (though they are in a village) T.V. Dish connection, Servants, Cell phone (both for my BIL and his wife, who doesn' t go to any work anyway!). ..DVD Player..food processor..you name it they got it.
Well I am not complaining about their well off life, but my husband doesn' t get this in his brain at all. I have tried to make him understand this in many other ways, but nothing worked.
Anyway, the thing which makes me more irritating is.. when they come to visit us here or when we go there, they dont buy any gifts for my kids using the money they got.
In fact, everytime they come here, they ask as to give them some big amount as they can' t manage the expense. We pay for their visa applicaiton process and the ticket and all the traval expenses. On top of it they ask money (a big amount like RS.20000) to get ready for the trip.
What do they get for my kids, 2 set of cloths.... God I don' t any damn thing for me from them. But for theri Grandkids, who they get to meet after a year sometimes after 2 yeaes, can' t they get something with LOVE!??
That' s all my worry?! On the other side, My parents are always good ( I havent paid any money otehr than the Ticket expense) whenever they come, they bring a lot of cloths for the kids, for me and for my hubby too. ON top my parents get some gold items too..
I am not asking by comparing, God I' m not expecting the same as I get from my side, even after they get the money they want can' t they get something nice so the kids would feel happy?!!
Even when we visit to India, all the 10-15 days we stay at his house, we wont go anywhere except for the Local temples which we can go by walking!
Other than that, no shopping, no outing..Just sit at the house and Eat, Sleep Talk...Eat, Talk and Sleep.
For God' s sake after all the years, when I go to India for vacation I wanted to make use of that time and take my kids somewhere, Not to sit at one place and eat and rest for 15 days!! (Does anyone take vacation on Loss of Pay to do this?!!)
But on the other hand, when they are there with their other son and dil, they spend so much to get that grandkid all costly stuff, even they got a gold necklace for that dil the next 2 years after their wedding. They have put their daughter in a nice, expensive school.
Then my question is, if they can spend that much money for his brother and his family, are they taking my hubby for granted. I afraid that' s how it looks like.
But still mu husband says that he should help his brother somehow because he is struggling?!! : (
But the real question is, who is struggling here really? If they are really not doing well, I wouldn' t mind giving them som support, absolutely.
But when they show off, how could I allow?! Anyway, how would I want my husband to realize that they are doing OK and not suffering as he thinks?
How would I teach him the valueness of money? I' m working with so much difficulty , with 2 young kids, juggling with life and not saving anything for ourselves and our kids.
Earlier we gave, but now the situation had changed and it' s time for us to save now for the future.- If we dont what' s going to happen to my kids higher education?!
I sometimes feel like I wasted all these years and I feel depressed! Please help me out , friends. Thanks in advance.
Worried MomWife replied. Thanks Swati, Shaheli and SG for your advice too.
After a constant nagging, arguing.... I finally made him open an educational account to start saving for our kids education!
But still he opened it and put some one time money investment and not like a regular deposit... need to nail it down. May be this will take another year or so for me to make him understand! (his arguement is he will transfer some amount once in a while and there is no need to do this as a monthly deposit which happens repeatedly!! go figure..)
Also he asked me not to open another account and keep my entire salary just for savings alone as we will not be able to manage the household expenses then.
Kids school fee + house mortcage will definitely can' t be handled just with his one salary. That' s why he wanted it to be a join account and have both our salaried deposited in it and spend for the family!!
OK, coming to his point, if he can' t run his own family without support from me, why does he thing that he is surplus and he should help out his brother and parents all the time?! I know I sound little rude here, but isn' t this correct?!
(In fact I haven' t asked this question, straight to him yet.. ) THinking of opening an account on my name and start to save atleast 10-15% of my salary in there.... Small drops would make a bigger flood right.. (well it' s going to take a long time in my case..) but still I think something is better than nothing.
I am holding on to this thought and yet to take action now, as my in-laws have come from India to visit us and they are staying with us for 5 months now... So my plan to open an account is postponed to next year!
Also will remind him about moving some money to kids education accounts that we opened atlast this year.....
btw, one of you had mentined about the 401K, yes I am aware of this and infact we both are saving some at our workplace in this 401K scheme. But this will not come handy when we need money to spend for our kids expenses right, like studies, wedding..etc.
That' s my whole worry and which made me start this thread and share my feelings with you all for some directions, ideas.....
As per the India visit issue, I told him the next time we go over... let' s go to his home first and rest, eat , rest (that' s what we are going to do anyway) and atleast get out of the Jetlag tiredness and all that... and by the time we reach my parents place atleast I will have some time to shop and buy stuff for my kids & us. : )
Thanks you all for your ideas, suggestoins...appreciate it.
SG replied. its so sad that we hv think so politically in our own house whr transparency is must....but no choice we hv to do handle a biased hubby. As so many people hv already suggested u first i wud like to know what is the progress?
I wud say dont write any mail abt these problems to ur husband... sometime husbands makes a big issue and show to inlaws and everyone will prove u a bad bahu...
Secondly i wud say regd vacations.. just simply tell ur husband clearly that u want to go out to sm other place in India for ghoomne with / without (urs/his)relatives. Ur kids need to watch other part of ur country also.Make such a plan & then come.
U can preplan some shopping with ur hubby at ur inlaws place.
For the nearby temples ..u can say that u hv already seen them so no need to go thr agn.
Regd future savings u hv got many advises & u can start this from ur income...dont depend on him.
Regd gifts for ur kids...let kids & husband handle it....when ur kids will observe or will able to say then they will reply on their own to their grandparents.U cannot do anything.Just think that God has made u so lucky that ur kids dont hv to depend on others for gifts.
Be little bold about views when u put them in front of ur hubby so that he cannot disagree.
Indian husbands ki mentalilty change hona bahut mushkil ..kitne bhi pad likh jaye ya abroad chale jaye...:(
Saheli replied. good to hear you are working too.
spend your next pay on investing for the future, and inform hubby after you do that. What you can do is put your pay at a place wher you can collect it, the banks will tell u possible options for eg mutual funds, SIP systematic investment planning, recurring deposits, etc. I dont know how it works in US, m telling India options. May be out friends from US can guide you.
So once your monthly pays start getting locked there, invest where u want once it accumulates.
forget about the issue we were discussing, but its imp that you guys invest and make future secure. Waiting for a surplus amount is not a good idea. Your hubby seems to be procastinating. Please take the lead and resp for kids and work on it.
dia replied. I could see ur point very clear.
Yes, U r right!
But, Ur hubby has to realise it! I suggest U to send a mail to ur hubby while copying the total content u wrote here to convince us.
When u could convince strangers who dont know anything ' bout U ,Then y cant u convince ur hubby who love u and ur family dearly?? Definitely u can do it, dear! Pl take the courage and send a mail when he is not busy in work. With the same voice u had here :) !! Yes, sometimes we might be cool and smooth with some strangers but might become arrogant while arguing with hubby. So I suggested its better cut and paste the content :)
YoU must have told same things to ur hubby many times but sometimes we can write better than saying in simple words. So, Just copy only ur posts while modifying it little . Also dont forget to adress him sweet in this mail and in front lines, request ur hubby to not to misunderstand u and this mail. ..Tell him in front lines u just want to vent out /Pour out ur feelings on that instance and found better to mail than calling him.
Hope it works better.
If u have already tried it and not worked ???!!! ...Its better to be firm and save ur 70% of salary for savings. Dont feel it might sour relation. It doesnt hurt ur relation more than frequent arguments on this topic now and getting disturbed when u need money later.
Manytimes, Family things can be solved with effective communication with hubby!
Saheli replied. Very Worried WifeMom -
For the savings/chidren' s future issue, here' s what I suggest. Don' t raise the topic of sending money to hubby' s folks for a while, so that the dust settles down and you guys are back to normal track. Then some day, talk to your hubby that you want to save/invest for the kids' future. You will need to substantiate with strong data points. For eg, a big amount needed when elder one passes grade X, then for younger one, something like that. then, these days there are educational tours for kids (thru schools) which are expensive. You guys might want to get kids enrolled to some tutions or extra-curr activities like music etc which would also need money.
You might have had discussion on this with your hubby before - so you have an idea what kind of replies he can give. Be prepared on that. After you start talking to him and put your point forward, you kow he would give those answers. You now throw your second card like this -
Do some homeowrk, do some math, before talking to him and present him some figure that you might need at different stages for kids' education, wedding, some assets for you two, some assets for kids, etc.
After he replies again on that (assuming not completely positive), then your third card will be \" risks\" . God forbid, but assume how finance would be managed if either of you is not there. As far as I remember your post, you are not working. So in his absence, to live life at same standards, you guys need to plan the backups. similarly, in mother' s absense, if there is some life insurance, it will definitely help the family. Support your explanation with some real life examples.
Now, though I have used the words \" throwing cards\" , life is not a game of cards. Its about love and trust. But if you guys dont have savings etc, he needs to address that and these ' cards' idea is what I suggest.
One more point, you guys can buy some land in/near your hometown - on your or kid' s name ONLY (make sure its not on hubbys or inlaws or bils name). Property prices are rising in India and will help kids when they are young.
In all this discussion, please dont talk ANYTHING about the money he sends home. Just dont raise that topic. If he says ' but i want to send money home' , then give hom solution, not problem. Give him some option, that lets send out half of what we have been sending - work that out yourself.
Once your future is secure, I dont think there is too much for you to worry about.
I agree to Dia and friend. They have given really good suggestions. But I noticed one point - the problem wasnt standing up in your first post which probably made us believe you are concentrating too much on smaller issues. Now you have clarified that future insecurity is the maid problem. Once major issues are settled, you can work on other issues but I dont think there' s too much to worry about.
Out of 15 days, you can clearly tell your hubby that 7 i will spend with inlaws and 7 with parents (you have that right, pls but dont be partial to inlaws).
And for happiness - well, one person can be happy doing farming in a village - and other wont be happy even if earning in dollars and living in nuclear family - in the US, just becuase he may be worrying about toilets built by others in the Indian village! Its all how you take life. You know what I mean? :-)
friend replied. Hi Dear
Agree with Dia. I can' t stop myself replying to your prob. coz my grandparents main source of income was farming and yes they too had lot of land. my father was in india taking care of them and my uncle who is elder to him was here in USA. My uncle and his wife use to think that we are very rich or we are living very comfortably there with grandparents. But in reality yes we had servants(that is easy to find in village)we had TV, refrigrator but it does not means that we were very happy. we use to never go on vacation(actually we use to live nearby city where our village is) in summer we use to just go to village to spend time with grandparents. My father was very close to his parents and my mother supported him. when my uncle use to visit and give simple things to us he or his wife use to show so much that how much they are doing for us , it use to hurt us our parents or grandparents never said anything to them but we use to feel bad. do whatever you can with open heart and happily I can tell you from my experience they are not as happy as you are here, God has given lot to you so share with family who is in need.
Now your prob with the gift that they don' t give or bring for your kids, don' t worry some people are like that even if they have a lot. we always send money to my inlaws and process all their paperwork and ticket evrything, and when they came here for my delivery you won' t beleive she even didn' t get us or my daugter a single dress. My mother sent a lot with them and she said that I was bringing all these stuff so I didn' t brought myself, when you guys will come there than I will give, but when we went there again she said all the people from your side has given so much I am from family why to do formality. and before we were went there she was asking my husband to send money so that she can fix the house( there is nothing to fix but that was her excuse) My husband took 5 lakh rs so I said lets start the work when we are here , but then she said we are just two people who will live in this big house why to waste money. (coz we deposited in her account she had she was satisfied) My inlaws live in a big city, father in law is retired and have good pension, live life comfortably my husband is the only son, so he always give them money,then also they don' t give us anything, even not from my husbands money. even I have not got a sindoor or bindi from her. on the other hand my grandparents were in village but they had lot of love for my uncle who is here, we have seen our grandparents crying when they are sick for his son.and he was not even there. but my grandmother always make sure that he should get something gold so that he don' t feel bad.
so everybody is different. don' t sweat on that . Thank god that you are here and aleast whatever you want. It is not easy to live life in village and taking care of two elderly parents.
Dia replied. Hi,
Actually, its common problem .
Many parents tend to love weeker son/daughter.So its no wonder ur inlaws loving ur BIL and his family more WHILE showing less affection towards ur hubby and ur kids.So u have to digest fact (Because I' m in same boat and tolerating now similar thing, But I have well sound SIL in place of ur BIL)
Its their life and thye have to live with it. Yes, u r correct. But for ur hubby, He feel thye r suffering and not happy as ur family is. Yes, Even he is correct. See dear, When u dont feel comfortable in that village even for 15days & Dont see any fun except 2 or 3 temples... How can u say they r really living equally happy life with u? Ok, its their fate to live life. But as ur hubby is more affectionated to them , He feel that difference btwn his family and his brother' s family.
Ok dear, One question to u? U r saying they r having enough money and leading happy life..Can u be in same place now ur BIL' s wife is in? MIL buying necklace with love, FIL buying clothes and offering good education...etc..r soothening only in imaginations.
Howmuch ever they provide, ur CO-Sister might not be happier as u r here. She must be having different problems.
So, what I suggest is..Just be happy urself and dont try to compare their life style, The more u say the more pity he feel towards them. So stop comparing but mention how ur inlaws show partiality. Soon he might realise he need money for his kids too. But meanwhile, Create a special accout for urself and keep all the salary for savings. Dont spend a penny for ur family. And let him spend his money for ur familyneeds, monthly expenses, occassions etc...Then he realise money value.
2007-10-08
#1
Name: Worried MomWife Subject: Thanks for your advice!
Thanks Swati, Shaheli and SG for your advice too.
After a constant nagging, arguing.... I finally made him open an educational account to start saving for our kids education!
But still he opened it and put some one time money investment and not like a regular deposit... need to nail it down. May be this will take another year or so for me to make him understand! (his arguement is he will transfer some amount once in a while and there is no need to do this as a monthly deposit which happens repeatedly!! go figure..)
Also he asked me not to open another account and keep my entire salary just for savings alone as we will not be able to manage the household expenses then.
Kids school fee + house mortcage will definitely can' t be handled just with his one salary. That' s why he wanted it to be a join account and have both our salaried deposited in it and spend for the family!!
OK, coming to his point, if he can' t run his own family without support from me, why does he thing that he is surplus and he should help out his brother and parents all the time?! I know I sound little rude here, but isn' t this correct?!
(In fact I haven' t asked this question, straight to him yet.. ) THinking of opening an account on my name and start to save atleast 10-15% of my salary in there.... Small drops would make a bigger flood right.. (well it' s going to take a long time in my case..) but still I think something is better than nothing.
I am holding on to this thought and yet to take action now, as my in-laws have come from India to visit us and they are staying with us for 5 months now... So my plan to open an account is postponed to next year!
Also will remind him about moving some money to kids education accounts that we opened atlast this year.....
btw, one of you had mentined about the 401K, yes I am aware of this and infact we both are saving some at our workplace in this 401K scheme. But this will not come handy when we need money to spend for our kids expenses right, like studies, wedding..etc.
That' s my whole worry and which made me start this thread and share my feelings with you all for some directions, ideas.....
As per the India visit issue, I told him the next time we go over... let' s go to his home first and rest, eat , rest (that' s what we are going to do anyway) and atleast get out of the Jetlag tiredness and all that... and by the time we reach my parents place atleast I will have some time to shop and buy stuff for my kids & us. : )
Thanks you all for your ideas, suggestoins...appreciate it.
2007-07-26
#2
Name: SG Subject: sad
its so sad that we hv think so politically in our own house whr transparency is must....but no choice we hv to do handle a biased hubby. As so many people hv already suggested u first i wud like to know what is the progress?
I wud say dont write any mail abt these problems to ur husband... sometime husbands makes a big issue and show to inlaws and everyone will prove u a bad bahu...
Secondly i wud say regd vacations.. just simply tell ur husband clearly that u want to go out to sm other place in India for ghoomne with / without (urs/his)relatives. Ur kids need to watch other part of ur country also.Make such a plan & then come.
U can preplan some shopping with ur hubby at ur inlaws place.
For the nearby temples ..u can say that u hv already seen them so no need to go thr agn.
Regd future savings u hv got many advises & u can start this from ur income...dont depend on him.
Regd gifts for ur kids...let kids & husband handle it....when ur kids will observe or will able to say then they will reply on their own to their grandparents.U cannot do anything.Just think that God has made u so lucky that ur kids dont hv to depend on others for gifts.
Be little bold about views when u put them in front of ur hubby so that he cannot disagree.
Indian husbands ki mentalilty change hona bahut mushkil ..kitne bhi pad likh jaye ya abroad chale jaye...:(
2007-06-23
#3
Name: Saheli Subject: investment
good to hear you are working too.
spend your next pay on investing for the future, and inform hubby after you do that. What you can do is put your pay at a place wher you can collect it, the banks will tell u possible options for eg mutual funds, SIP systematic investment planning, recurring deposits, etc. I dont know how it works in US, m telling India options. May be out friends from US can guide you.
So once your monthly pays start getting locked there, invest where u want once it accumulates.
forget about the issue we were discussing, but its imp that you guys invest and make future secure. Waiting for a surplus amount is not a good idea. Your hubby seems to be procastinating. Please take the lead and resp for kids and work on it.
2007-06-25
#4
Name: swati Subject: i agree
u need to invest...maybe for children´ s education...lookup the internet...u can even invest in 401k for yourself...many companies match dollar to dollar for upto 5%. Buy a house with a high mortgage...u need to put kids in neighborhoods with good schools...so tell him that uc are for the kids´ education...property taxes are higher in neighborhoods with nice schools...buy a nice car...whatever u spend on...atleast the money is being spent on your family and comforts. atleast start with some children´ s university education investment or 401k - if your company matches $ to $ then its free money ...i am sure u know how it works...so u can convince him as to why u should lose that free money...
2007-06-22
#5
Name: dia Subject: All the best!
I could see ur point very clear.
Yes, U r right!
But, Ur hubby has to realise it! I suggest U to send a mail to ur hubby while copying the total content u wrote here to convince us.
When u could convince strangers who dont know anything ' bout U ,Then y cant u convince ur hubby who love u and ur family dearly?? Definitely u can do it, dear! Pl take the courage and send a mail when he is not busy in work. With the same voice u had here :) !! Yes, sometimes we might be cool and smooth with some strangers but might become arrogant while arguing with hubby. So I suggested its better cut and paste the content :)
YoU must have told same things to ur hubby many times but sometimes we can write better than saying in simple words. So, Just copy only ur posts while modifying it little . Also dont forget to adress him sweet in this mail and in front lines, request ur hubby to not to misunderstand u and this mail. ..Tell him in front lines u just want to vent out /Pour out ur feelings on that instance and found better to mail than calling him.
Hope it works better.
If u have already tried it and not worked ???!!! ...Its better to be firm and save ur 70% of salary for savings. Dont feel it might sour relation. It doesnt hurt ur relation more than frequent arguments on this topic now and getting disturbed when u need money later.
Manytimes, Family things can be solved with effective communication with hubby!
2007-06-23
#6
Name: Loving Mom_Wife Subject: Thanks!
Thanks Dia and Saheli for your replies and some ideas!
Yes, I have talked to him reagrding this note a number of times earlier to him, and he agrees on the figure, the amount we will be needing for the kids..etc. absolutely. In fact he adds some statistical points to it!
But then he says, yes, we should start saving! But now, where is the money? You tell me. We don´ t have much money to start anything firm, right?! Let´ s start when we have some surplus amount left?!! : )
This whole conversation had happened in both the sweeter & nicest voice and also with a heating conversation, where I ends up with tears and he becoming quite for few hours from then.If we don´ t plan this situation will never happen, right?! I mean we getting a nice amount waiting in the back account for us to start the savings for the kids!
If we dont plan and spend wisely, how is that going to happen?
Anyway, since I too figured out that unless there is a big commitment which forces him to spend on an investment, he is not going to do it - buying an empty land/ small empty flat like you suggested would be a good idea. I´ ll try to do it.
Saheli, I´ m also working full time from the very next year I got married...till now. As per the vaction days... it´ s definitely 10 days out of 20 kind of thing.. This is what we have been doing always! -No way I´ m trying to be partial nor letting him/his family to be partial! : )
But the sad part is, we spend the first half of the vacation at my place (since this is where the plane lands and it´ s easier to reach home without much travelling.. etc.) it´ s goes in we and kids getting out of our Jetlag tiredness..etc. and I get only 3-4 days left for shopping - not to mention that I carry a huge list every single time we go to India which will be never done to the end!
But you know what I´ m thinking... the next vacation we are going to take, I am going to go to my in-laws place straight..for the first half of the vacation. Anyway we will be staying home, resting and relaxing.. this way when I come back to my Parents place, I am all ready for my Shopping..etc. : ) You learn everything in life when you are pushed into that situation, right?!
Anyway, thank you both for your valuable time and suggestions!
2007-06-22
#7
Name: Saheli Subject: Dia
It seems you and I posted at the same time because when I was replying, I dint see your recent post! I liked your ideas. Good ones!
2007-06-22
#8
Name: Saheli Subject: re:
Very Worried WifeMom -
For the savings/chidren' s future issue, here' s what I suggest. Don' t raise the topic of sending money to hubby' s folks for a while, so that the dust settles down and you guys are back to normal track. Then some day, talk to your hubby that you want to save/invest for the kids' future. You will need to substantiate with strong data points. For eg, a big amount needed when elder one passes grade X, then for younger one, something like that. then, these days there are educational tours for kids (thru schools) which are expensive. You guys might want to get kids enrolled to some tutions or extra-curr activities like music etc which would also need money.
You might have had discussion on this with your hubby before - so you have an idea what kind of replies he can give. Be prepared on that. After you start talking to him and put your point forward, you kow he would give those answers. You now throw your second card like this -
Do some homeowrk, do some math, before talking to him and present him some figure that you might need at different stages for kids' education, wedding, some assets for you two, some assets for kids, etc.
After he replies again on that (assuming not completely positive), then your third card will be \" risks\" . God forbid, but assume how finance would be managed if either of you is not there. As far as I remember your post, you are not working. So in his absence, to live life at same standards, you guys need to plan the backups. similarly, in mother' s absense, if there is some life insurance, it will definitely help the family. Support your explanation with some real life examples.
Now, though I have used the words \" throwing cards\" , life is not a game of cards. Its about love and trust. But if you guys dont have savings etc, he needs to address that and these ' cards' idea is what I suggest.
One more point, you guys can buy some land in/near your hometown - on your or kid' s name ONLY (make sure its not on hubbys or inlaws or bils name). Property prices are rising in India and will help kids when they are young.
In all this discussion, please dont talk ANYTHING about the money he sends home. Just dont raise that topic. If he says ' but i want to send money home' , then give hom solution, not problem. Give him some option, that lets send out half of what we have been sending - work that out yourself.
Once your future is secure, I dont think there is too much for you to worry about.
I agree to Dia and friend. They have given really good suggestions. But I noticed one point - the problem wasnt standing up in your first post which probably made us believe you are concentrating too much on smaller issues. Now you have clarified that future insecurity is the maid problem. Once major issues are settled, you can work on other issues but I dont think there' s too much to worry about.
Out of 15 days, you can clearly tell your hubby that 7 i will spend with inlaws and 7 with parents (you have that right, pls but dont be partial to inlaws).
And for happiness - well, one person can be happy doing farming in a village - and other wont be happy even if earning in dollars and living in nuclear family - in the US, just becuase he may be worrying about toilets built by others in the Indian village! Its all how you take life. You know what I mean? :-)
2007-06-25
#9
Name: Dia Subject: yes!
Saheli,Thanks!
I too noticed that we both responded at sametime !
BTW, where do u live? if I´ m not wrong , U mentioned somewhere ...u r from Gurgaon.
Lets wish ´ All the best´ to our friend for getting her hubby on right track!!
Its always difficult to make men understand some sensitive things. I too suffered many times to make him notice my probs. But after 5yrs of marriage that too, while spending in India , he is understanding my points a little.
2007-06-21
#10
Name: friend Subject: Hi Dear
Hi Dear
Agree with Dia. I can' t stop myself replying to your prob. coz my grandparents main source of income was farming and yes they too had lot of land. my father was in india taking care of them and my uncle who is elder to him was here in USA. My uncle and his wife use to think that we are very rich or we are living very comfortably there with grandparents. But in reality yes we had servants(that is easy to find in village)we had TV, refrigrator but it does not means that we were very happy. we use to never go on vacation(actually we use to live nearby city where our village is) in summer we use to just go to village to spend time with grandparents. My father was very close to his parents and my mother supported him. when my uncle use to visit and give simple things to us he or his wife use to show so much that how much they are doing for us , it use to hurt us our parents or grandparents never said anything to them but we use to feel bad. do whatever you can with open heart and happily I can tell you from my experience they are not as happy as you are here, God has given lot to you so share with family who is in need.
Now your prob with the gift that they don' t give or bring for your kids, don' t worry some people are like that even if they have a lot. we always send money to my inlaws and process all their paperwork and ticket evrything, and when they came here for my delivery you won' t beleive she even didn' t get us or my daugter a single dress. My mother sent a lot with them and she said that I was bringing all these stuff so I didn' t brought myself, when you guys will come there than I will give, but when we went there again she said all the people from your side has given so much I am from family why to do formality. and before we were went there she was asking my husband to send money so that she can fix the house( there is nothing to fix but that was her excuse) My husband took 5 lakh rs so I said lets start the work when we are here , but then she said we are just two people who will live in this big house why to waste money. (coz we deposited in her account she had she was satisfied) My inlaws live in a big city, father in law is retired and have good pension, live life comfortably my husband is the only son, so he always give them money,then also they don' t give us anything, even not from my husbands money. even I have not got a sindoor or bindi from her. on the other hand my grandparents were in village but they had lot of love for my uncle who is here, we have seen our grandparents crying when they are sick for his son.and he was not even there. but my grandmother always make sure that he should get something gold so that he don' t feel bad.
so everybody is different. don' t sweat on that . Thank god that you are here and aleast whatever you want. It is not easy to live life in village and taking care of two elderly parents.
2007-06-21
#11
Name: Still Worried Subject: I agree, but...
Thank you friend for your reply. Appreciate it.
Well I agree that people are different , I shouldn´ t expect the same thing from everyone. Yes, I totally agree.
But what about us?! Before I had kids, when we both worked, I had money, to be honest with you, I gave with my whole heart. 3000 US dollars with which they said that they spend for my Co-Sister´ s treatment and some they used to built a bathroom!
Fine, I have gotten them (both my MIL and my CoSISter) nice corels, pearls costs ($150) and nice watch for Co -SIS $125 etc. Please dont get me wrong here because I am listing the price for what I gave them.
Because for the discussion I have to mention it, other than that no intention.
However, now we got 2 kids and bought a house on BIG Loan and kids are going to school..etc.
What about our tomorrow?! If we keep working and giving all the left over to them, after spending for our expenses and do ZERO savings.. What about my kids future?! When they grow up and go to college If we not not financially well to support their life, who will be blamed?! US , right? Also who is there to help us at time?! NO ONE - because his brother is not doing well now, and how come he will be able to later?!
This is what my worry and my feeling. EVEN NOw, I am NOT saying that Let´ s stop completely everything. What am saying is, let´ s save some for our future too. I am still willing to give/support them with what we can.
Last year, when my parents came over , when they returned, I sent gifts (Dresses and toys) for little kids who is over there and I love her too.When I visited them couple of years back, I got a gold bracelet to her.
But for everything there is a limit , right. That border should be where it wont make you fell into a hole. We gave when we had more, but now we ourselves are tight, so let´ s share to a minimum.
Atleast if they are not really doing well, we should suffer and give everything without thinking about our future. But it´ s not the case. When my FIL took care of the farming, it didn´ t go that well it seems. Now as my BIL taking over , he is doing extremely well it seems - this is a confirmed news I got from some of their family friends themselves.
In fact both my mom and dad came from farming family too.
While they asked money for the expenses they did for my Kid´ s small level function which was done at home, the next year, when the other grandkid was born, for naming ceremony they invited about 100 people and did a grand ceremony at a famous restaurant in that near by city!.
where as for us, we go once in 2 years with a lot of gifts PLUS all the expenses, travel (locally to 1 temple visit) ..etc that happens while we are there at that time, we should pay for it!, even if we are financially challenged without a job for 9 months in 1 year?!! : (
But My point is, if we keep working and spending to a last bit without saving anything at all, we will be in big trouble. So Let´ s start saving some now.
Tell me friends, Am I saying anything wrong here?
2007-06-21
#12
Name: Dia Subject: I understand!
Hi,
Actually, its common problem .
Many parents tend to love weeker son/daughter.So its no wonder ur inlaws loving ur BIL and his family more WHILE showing less affection towards ur hubby and ur kids.So u have to digest fact (Because I' m in same boat and tolerating now similar thing, But I have well sound SIL in place of ur BIL)
Its their life and thye have to live with it. Yes, u r correct. But for ur hubby, He feel thye r suffering and not happy as ur family is. Yes, Even he is correct. See dear, When u dont feel comfortable in that village even for 15days & Dont see any fun except 2 or 3 temples... How can u say they r really living equally happy life with u? Ok, its their fate to live life. But as ur hubby is more affectionated to them , He feel that difference btwn his family and his brother' s family.
Ok dear, One question to u? U r saying they r having enough money and leading happy life..Can u be in same place now ur BIL' s wife is in? MIL buying necklace with love, FIL buying clothes and offering good education...etc..r soothening only in imaginations.
Howmuch ever they provide, ur CO-Sister might not be happier as u r here. She must be having different problems.
So, what I suggest is..Just be happy urself and dont try to compare their life style, The more u say the more pity he feel towards them. So stop comparing but mention how ur inlaws show partiality. Soon he might realise he need money for his kids too. But meanwhile, Create a special accout for urself and keep all the salary for savings. Dont spend a penny for ur family. And let him spend his money for ur familyneeds, monthly expenses, occassions etc...Then he realise money value.
2007-06-21
#13
Name: Worried Mom and Wife Subject: Why the partiality?!
Thanks Dia for the reply. May be I didn´ t explain my feelings well I guess. Because I am absolutely not trying to compare my life with theirs. For God´ s sake I am not that kind of person.
All I was worrying is, their partiality, which my husband doesn´ t want to understand and admit!!
The other thing I wanted bring out here is, it´ s not that kind of place where you don´ t have anything to do...you can very well if you travel for 30 -40 mins which they do quite often when we are not visiting them.
Yes, they go to movies..buy cloths, jewels, even groceries..etc whatever they want in that near by city, which is quite common.
My point is, why not atleast take my kids to the beach which is in that nearby city?!! All those 10-15 days they act like they don´ t go anywhere ..for fun at all. If they are willing to buy anything and everything for the other grandkid, why not to our kids?!
Can´ t they atleast take these kids and ask them to select some cloths atleast. That´ s what my point is. It´ s all because they are showing a BIG Partiality. : (
I´ m here happy. I thank my Parents and GOd for giving me such a good education and nice life. But I have too work hard to earn this money. My parents don´ t expect a penny from me, and they say and infact worry that we are not thinking about our future.
So I feel that all my hard work, pain everything is going into nothing. I am not living relaxed life to enjoy all my time spending with my kids. : (
Where as there they have servent who will do all their work, and they enjoy there time living content life. I am really happy for them. But why that acting / making up of the situations. One time when we went there to get our first born´ s ear piercing, we all went to some temple and few relatives were called..etc.
(Note: At this time My husband was out of job for 8 months in that 1 year, my in-laws were over here, in that full 6 months he was home, looking for a job. Poor guy , got one jsut before they left to india and lost it within 2 months and then we went to India.)
They knew all this well and you know what happened, my FIL asked my husband to give money for the expenses they did for us. Taking us to temple and feeding the relatives who came over to our house to bless the baby?!! : (
Regardless of all these facts, I give good respect and do everything nice to my in-laws whenever I visit them and they visit us. In fact when she comes over here, I do the cooking and I let her do only little helps, if she wants to. When I am giving them full respect and obey them why not they? I mean why dont they share their full love and other family details with my husband? They dont say anything about what they are doing over there? My husband won´ t ask a thing, but he tells each and everything to them in full detail spending 3--40 mins over the international call too.
Now, the idea you had mentioned, well I thought about it earlier and without my salary we can´ t run our family. Meaning, here in US one has to work for the house loan and other has to work for kids education. Whenever I mentioend and started this topic he had said this and asked not to open any separate account. Because he knows that he can´ t run our family´ s full expense without money from my work.
So now what should I do? My parents are literally worried that we are not saving and spending everything what we earn. I´ m worried that I have to live far away from my loving parents, and work hard and end up with none?!!
That´ s why I said I don´ t know what to do?!! May be I should become firm with him to make him start some saving for my family..seriously, though I am sure it´ s going to cause some bitterness in our relationship, I guess. Because it´ s already too late and if I don´ t now, this may not happen, Right?!
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