Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,mine is a long sad story. My inlaws is a joint family with my MIL, FIL,BIL and his wife and kid. We have no kids as my husband has a fertility problem. My inlaws treat my husband like a puppet make him dance to their tunes.My BIL' s wife is my MiL' s sis' s daughter.So everyone has a partial behaviour towards here. I am the one who cooks and does all the chores while she just eats and sleeps.My husband knows every single thing and said that he knows what pain I am going through and promised to move out once my inlaws return.He also asked me not to go up to them n tell anything as anyways we are moving out.He also said he has expressed this to his parents and they are ok with our decision to move out. Now my Inlaws are in the US visiting their elder son.Me and my husband in their absence went and bought all the minor things needed for our new house. I financed almost everything as I earn much more than my husband. He has a very low paying job.A few weeks back he comes up to me and says we are not moving out.! I ws shocked and asked him y were u encouraging me all these days on moving out? He just said...we are not going thats it. Rest u can decide what to do.He also said hez never told his ppl anything abt us moving out.
I was shocked hurt all at the same time. I was being fooled by him fr almost a year now. I ws so hurt that I went to my moms place. He called my mom n said shez very angray let her cool down, I will pick her up next week. A week later when he didnt turn up when my folks called him...he says...we shall speak only when my parents come 2 months later frm the US. Let her be there itself. I ws shocked. he is a very caring n loving guy...I was shocked to see this side of his.
I was so furious that I wrote a mail to my inlaws in the US for the 1st time eapressing myself. I wrote everything from how their son fooled me and how I ws fed up with their partial behavior and that their son is not capable of fathering a child and they can imagine what pain I ws going through because of that.
They immediately called my folks on reading the meil and started yelling that how stubborn and arrogant ur daughter is...she has no respect fr elders etc...SHE HAS TO STAY THERE TILL WE COME BACK. NO WAY SHE IS GOING BACK TO OUR HOME TILL WE COME BACK.And she shouldnt call us or mail us or contact us till then.They said she is making my sons life hell by asking him to move out and constantly fighting and threatening to do something to herself( I actually threaten him often when ever I get very angry with him).
It was like the floor slipped off my feet. I couldnt believe what ws happening. The next day ws our 3rd anniversay....My husband didnt even call me or meet me.A few days later he stopped by at my office to give some clothes n stuff from my home.He just said...dont imagine things. We ppl have messed up with our lives and let my parents come n set things .
His parents have stopped him from calling me and meeting me. I know he loves me dearly and misses me a lot. The same case is with me. Hez used to being a puppet in his parents and elder brother' s hands that he dosnt even stand up fr me or him.
Im so confused as to what they are going to talk when they cm back a month later.
Their family is not at all well to do. They have nothing and their son dosnt earn well. I am from a well to do family and earn very well compared to all of them.
I am so helpless that I cant do anything but sit and watch.........My husband is also toungue tied because of that.Pleeeeeeease help.. oppressed replied. Thanks guys for all ur support and overwhelming response. Really feel a lot lighter now.
I frankly have no intention leaving my husband as to be frank keeping my inlaws aside...hez wonderful husband. His only prblem is he cannot say NO to his parents and elder bro. We havnt communicated fr over a month now and my inlaw' s tickets sre done for july 8. Thats a month frm now. So totally we' ll b away for 2 whole months without any form of communication.

Yesterday a common friend calld my husband to know what the problem is...them itseems my husband told her that dont worry nothing bad is gonna happen...she will cm back to my house just a couple of days after my parents come back.

So hez assumed I' ll come back after his parents come back. How convenient....ask me to get lost if they feel like and im supposed to cm back as per their wish.
What I feel is that they will surely take me back coz they cant such an educated and well earning girl fr their son. I guess since they know now that I had \" moving out of the house\" in my mind, thay wanna call me, and talk crap abt me, let me down and then take me back.

What do u suggest just go back quietly and then change my attitude or not agree to their terms now itself??? anotherdil replied. It is really sad and sick to know how male dominated our indian society still is, even though a girl has a good education, career, family -she still is subject to the whims of the in-laws just because we are still committed to the concept of marriage and in our society living single is very difficult.
From your message, it is clear that you do care for your husband and love him, even though he is just a puppet in the hands of the in-laws and foolish to dance to their tunes - you still have to save your marriage and look at the long term, it is a challenge you have to deal with now and be bold. First as Saheli said pack your bag and go back to \" YOUR HOUSE\" , no body can stop you, if anyone talks crazy stuff , try to ignore as much as possible, eat , drink and do your routine, if your in-laws call from US and shout - let them do it - if they are so bothered let them take the next flight and come down and get you out of the house physically - do not come from there - it is your house. First establish this and with your husband it is very difficult now to have a good communication as he is already poisoned by his parents - dont try to get into too much of arguments with him - realize that it is your inlaws who are doing all this - though it is a terrible mistake of your husband to listen to them - I can sort of imagine your situation as I' m in a similar boat - a little better situation i should say.
First protect your marriage, until the inlaws physically do anything -let them shout as much as they want - dont even reply to them - it is a waste of time -pretend as though they are talking to a wall. Once things come to a little control then communicate with your husband, about children - they are God' s gift - but just incase a woman is not able to have a child - will a true husband leave her just because of that - you guys are committed to each other and have to face the hardship together. Let your in-laws shout and scream like crazy do whatever they want and with your husband you be FIRM but dont get too aggressive. About your family and parents for them I feel that the tension they undergo when you are with your husband is a little less than if you come home and leave him, be bold and strong. Take care and GOD bless you ! me replied. leave him. he is not worth it. he needs to learn how to treat you with respect. girl replied. Hi

Do you really want to be married to such a guy and live with such a family?
You need a man who can look after you and stand up for you.. not a mouse.
Minka replied. Hi,

I think your husband is clearly sending you a message that he is not in charge of his ( or both of your lives ) . His parents are . If you can work with his parents on solving your problems of having to do all chores, earning well but not enjoying, letting your husband make decisions and living your life, it may work out. Otherwise , I think it may be hard to resolve this.

Your best bet is to stop nitpicking and get back to having a life with your husband and resolve issues one by one instead of thinking of moving out as a solution. Or if you thin kit' s not worth it - you sound frustrated that you can' t have a child. So I think both of you need to resolve that Saheli replied. Pack your bags and go back to your husband' s place immediately.

Keep your ego aside for a while now. Things started from one problem and now more and more problems seem to be adding up and the main issue seems to be lost.

You/we can discuss about working on other issues later. Let' s target first problem first. So go back to your hubby and stay there.
You dont need to say sorry to him when u go there, nor be agressive nor angry. Be cool and continue your activities as u used to.
You are going there because it' s your house and no one can stop you.

Let us know what you decide.
Good luck, dont worry and dont panic. You are just going through a rough phase and this time asks for your strength, patience and understanding.
Be positive.

Saheli