I have a situation where the inlaws are living with us for a few years until they get their US citizenship. I would like some pointers on how to cope with them.
MIL is a liar and manipulative drama queen. She will lie a lot but DH does not see it. She will agree with everything DH says, but behind his back she' ll do whatever she wants. She manipulates FIL and makes him get angry and shout. Then she' ll act the victim and DH will take her side. She does this with me too. For example, she' ll do something we' ve told her many times not to do. When I get angry and ask her why she' ll claim she forgot. DH believes her and doesn' t give any consequences. At other times DH is praising her incredible memory. She tried her best to make me give my second son formula rather than breast milk. I had to fight all 3 of them and stick to my guns to breastfeed. I mean, come on, all research points to breastfeeding being the best thing for babies. She also complained that I was the only one who wanted vegetables at every meal. Normal people didn' t want vegetables. She is educated - was a teacher all her life in India.
FIL is no saint either. He would fight with my sons. He would slap the back of my son' s head and walk away. When he complained he would act innocent and say he didn' t do anything. FIL and MIL would encourage the kids to lie to us. They would instigate fights between the kids, etc.
DH is a total mommy' s son. He thinks she is a saint. She has poisoned his mind against his own father. DH has been made to think that I am argumentative, spoiling for a fight, uncompromising, etc. MIL will do something to make me angry and then act like a peace maker and say sorry, I am stupid, I forgot, I won' t do it again, etc. DH then thinks that his mom is so nice and humble and I am fighting. But a couple of days later she will do the exact same thing.
So, please tell me how should I deal with this situation?
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Hi,
I have a situation where the inlaws are living with us for a few years until they get their US citizenship. I would like some pointers on how to cope with them.
MIL is a liar and manipulative drama queen. She will lie a lot but DH does not see it. She will agree with everything DH says, but behind his back she' ll do whatever she wants. She manipulates FIL and makes him get angry and shout. Then she' ll act the victim and DH will take her side. She does this with me too. For example, she' ll do something we' ve told her many times not to do. When I get angry and ask her why she' ll claim she forgot. DH believes her and doesn' t give any consequences. At other times DH is praising her incredible memory. She tried her best to make me give my second son formula rather than breast milk. I had to fight all 3 of them and stick to my guns to breastfeed. I mean, come on, all research points to breastfeeding being the best thing for babies. She also complained that I was the only one who wanted vegetables at every meal. Normal people didn' t want vegetables. She is educated - was a teacher all her life in India.
FIL is no saint either. He would fight with my sons. He would slap the back of my son' s head and walk away. When he complained he would act innocent and say he didn' t do anything. FIL and MIL would encourage the kids to lie to us. They would instigate fights between the kids, etc.
DH is a total mommy' s son. He thinks she is a saint. She has poisoned his mind against his own father. DH has been made to think that I am argumentative, spoiling for a fight, uncompromising, etc. MIL will do something to make me angry and then act like a peace maker and say sorry, I am stupid, I forgot, I won' t do it again, etc. DH then thinks that his mom is so nice and humble and I am fighting. But a couple of days later she will do the exact same thing.
So, please tell me how should I deal with this situation?
Ritika replied. Hi V,
Why don' t yr in laws go back to India after the necessary 6 mth period is over in a yr (that they neeed to remain to maintain their green card)...till sych tim ethey get their citizenship..you' ll at least get a few months free from them..
I also find it weird that yr husband does not spend time with either you or the kids...is he deliberately coming at 8:30 pm every day? because usually people leave by 6 pm or so in the US...
Tell him that the kids miss him and want to be with him (just like he wants to spend time with HIS parents in the evening, the kids also want to spend more time with him)...ask him to come early...
Abt the veggie thing, why dont you get a week' s worth of groceries t one time..so even if yr mil takes a few veggies, you still have some left for yr meals..by the time weekend rolls around, go and buy another batch ful...
I buy all my groceries on saturday and they stay fresh in the fridge for a long time...
Also can you take yr husband to a counsellor? it semmes like he definitely needs one to make him pay more attention to you and the kids...
take care...
V replied. Romi,
I agree with what you said about the fraud.
Saheli,
The only expectation I have of my inlaws is for them to leave me alone. \" I\" do not want them to cook at all. I will cook extra for dinner so that they will have left overs for lunch when I' m at work. It' s MIL who makes a fuss about wanting to cook and DH who gives in to her. \" I\" want to be independent and not depend on them at all. DH wants to depend on them as much as possible. And, as I said, I cannot leave the cooking to her - she does not cook nutritious food. With two growing boys in my house, I cannot live like that.
All these would be decreased if DH were on my side. However, to get him on my side, I need to communicate with him. To communicate with him, I need time with him. He comes home at 8:30, eats dinner with his parents, watches TV with them and comes up to bed around 11-11:30pm. I am asleep by then because I have to be up early to get the kids ready for school and my work. He' s still sleeping most days when I leave for work. So, tell me, when do I have time to talk to him? Even on weekends, he keeps himself busy away from me. We rarely have time to talk. I cannot talk on the phone during work hours because of people overhearing at my work or my FIL listening in on conversations. I email sometimes with major concerns, but he doesn' t even acknowledge that he has received the email, let alone answer me. I have to bring it up and that leads to another fight.
I' ve been to a counsellor and based on her suggestion, I have tried being in DH' s company in the night when he' s with them. But I cannot stand the false syruppy sweetness between MIL and DH nor the fightings between MIL and FIL. I did it for 3 weeks but then, for my own sanity, I needed to detach from inlaws, which meant detatching from DH too since he' s always with them.
Don' t see any resolution other than they leaving.
V
Saheli replied. We agree, we understand. But after reading suggestions from us, has it helped you? Have you found anything that you can try, have u decided on anything?
We all want to help you so want to know if your question has been answered and if we were able to bring some peace to our friend. Doesnt matter whch solution you find better, we all hv tried to help you our ways.
Let us know.
romi replied. Why would they apply for citizenship if they intend to live with you only for a few years?
Does one not have to swear allegiance to the new country when taking citizenship?
vimpi replied. Hi,
Each one has their own way of handling situations like yours. I always bring issues out in the open for discussion and make everyone including myself look at truth in the face. I believe in facing problems headon, honestly and truthfully. This works for me but whether it works for you now that is for you to figure out.
The main thing is you need to have a solid honest relationship with your spouse only then you can have open converstions with your spouse. In my case I enjoy a very open honest conversation with my FIL and husband and they never have difficulty understanding what I am saying. So whenever there is a scene by my MIL my FIL always advises me ignore her get on with your work don' t waste time over her tantrums. So my FIl my husband and I work together to handle it. If I had to do it by myself I would go crazy!
So establish a solid relationship with your huasband first! That is the most important thing!
Padma replied. Hi,
I really agree with what saheli speaks, I think this really works. If you start involving your husband in all problems, the chances of getting irritated are more than taking your side, finally you will be spoiling your relation with him. Don' t make him involve him too much.
Go ahead with what saheli was saying.
ALL THE BEST!
Saheli replied. Dear - There' s seems to be a problem with mil' s attitude, with FIL' s attitude, in their behavior towards children, with what children are learning from them, with hubby who seems to be quiet and face it, just like most other hubbies in such cases.
How many problems would you attempt to address? And how many of them do you think you will be able to actually resolve? We all know its not possible to change people like that so that things turn our side even if they are wrong. As for hubby, i dont think he is going to change much. Husband' s become more and more quiet as the problem aggrevates. Dont think that they cannot see truth, or that they believe mom 100% always. They do see the right side at times, but they just avoid fights by keeping quiet.
And after all this, what about your wishes, your desires, your choices and most imp - your peace of mind?
so -- Is it possible to avoid these people as much as possible? I mean, interact with them as less as possible? How old are your kids? Are you a working person?
Is it possible that you put children to daycare/something and you do something that you are busy and earning?
I think confronting these people as less as possible should help you. And as you have said, its a temporary problem. Talk to your husband when you 2 are in good mood and tell him, look, i am not liking all that is happening but i am not complaining either. I accept them as they are but I am just finding out my options. I too have life and choice to bring up children the way i want. If hubby refuses, request him to either fix the major concerning issues with ILs (hitting the child, asking them to lie, or mil lieing to you). You need to take a firm stand. Though the hubbies dont like to oppose parents, they still have to be answerable and accountable for wife and children' s happiness. And tell him, you are not asking him to fight/argue or change ILs, you are infact asking for an option which will benefit all, so ask him to respect your option.
And mornings and evenings when you people are at home, just interact with them as much as required, do your bit, and stay in your room. Good there are 2 kids, so they together can be busy in their/your room.
Lessen points of intereaction wherever you think possible. For example, cooking, housechores. Let MIL run all that her way if she wants. Avoid as much possible, all points where it irritates you.
And for points where you cannot, just ignore it. Priorities were your children' s learning and your peace of mind which I think should be addressed by avoiding. Rest, something somewhere you too will have to adjust.
See if this suits you. Not aware of your other details like working/non working etc.
Let us know. Good luck.
Saheli
sarika replied. Why don' t you try reverse pschology,as in, now keep praising your mil and fil,when your kids lie make sure you ask them questions only in front of your husband,let him see how his kids lie,when your hubby praises his parents,agree with him,ask him though first that you would want to gel with your in-laws so ask his tips as to how you should go about winning your mil' s heart,then do everything acc to what your hubby tells you,and then when she bad mouths you or illtreats you ask him now what you are supposed to do,make him see the for what they are.
Try and see how this works for you.All the best.
2007-05-19
#1
Name: Ritika Subject: Re:
Hi V,
Why don' t yr in laws go back to India after the necessary 6 mth period is over in a yr (that they neeed to remain to maintain their green card)...till sych tim ethey get their citizenship..you' ll at least get a few months free from them..
I also find it weird that yr husband does not spend time with either you or the kids...is he deliberately coming at 8:30 pm every day? because usually people leave by 6 pm or so in the US...
Tell him that the kids miss him and want to be with him (just like he wants to spend time with HIS parents in the evening, the kids also want to spend more time with him)...ask him to come early...
Abt the veggie thing, why dont you get a week' s worth of groceries t one time..so even if yr mil takes a few veggies, you still have some left for yr meals..by the time weekend rolls around, go and buy another batch ful...
I buy all my groceries on saturday and they stay fresh in the fridge for a long time...
Also can you take yr husband to a counsellor? it semmes like he definitely needs one to make him pay more attention to you and the kids...
take care...
2007-05-18
#2
Name: V Subject: Detaching
Romi,
I agree with what you said about the fraud.
Saheli,
The only expectation I have of my inlaws is for them to leave me alone. \" I\" do not want them to cook at all. I will cook extra for dinner so that they will have left overs for lunch when I' m at work. It' s MIL who makes a fuss about wanting to cook and DH who gives in to her. \" I\" want to be independent and not depend on them at all. DH wants to depend on them as much as possible. And, as I said, I cannot leave the cooking to her - she does not cook nutritious food. With two growing boys in my house, I cannot live like that.
All these would be decreased if DH were on my side. However, to get him on my side, I need to communicate with him. To communicate with him, I need time with him. He comes home at 8:30, eats dinner with his parents, watches TV with them and comes up to bed around 11-11:30pm. I am asleep by then because I have to be up early to get the kids ready for school and my work. He' s still sleeping most days when I leave for work. So, tell me, when do I have time to talk to him? Even on weekends, he keeps himself busy away from me. We rarely have time to talk. I cannot talk on the phone during work hours because of people overhearing at my work or my FIL listening in on conversations. I email sometimes with major concerns, but he doesn' t even acknowledge that he has received the email, let alone answer me. I have to bring it up and that leads to another fight.
I' ve been to a counsellor and based on her suggestion, I have tried being in DH' s company in the night when he' s with them. But I cannot stand the false syruppy sweetness between MIL and DH nor the fightings between MIL and FIL. I did it for 3 weeks but then, for my own sanity, I needed to detach from inlaws, which meant detatching from DH too since he' s always with them.
Don' t see any resolution other than they leaving.
V
2007-05-15
#3
Name: Saheli Subject: On V´ s second 5-14 reply
We agree, we understand. But after reading suggestions from us, has it helped you? Have you found anything that you can try, have u decided on anything?
We all want to help you so want to know if your question has been answered and if we were able to bring some peace to our friend. Doesnt matter whch solution you find better, we all hv tried to help you our ways.
Let us know.
2007-05-18
#4
Name: romi Subject: Did you find peace?
V,
It seems you detached yourself from your own house rather than your inlaws. They seem to be still bugging you even though you have detached yourself from your own house. So what did you achieve?
As for the citizenship thing this is a fraud many Indians shamelessly play just to exploit the Government to get ssi. I wonder when the Government will put a stop to this.
You must accept the fact that they are going to live with you in the long run.
As for letting mil have her own way anyone living here will know how difficult that is life is not like it is in India no maids to help etc.
This is not about vegetables or fridges or stoves. If it were then those problems could be easily solved!
Anyway all the best!
2007-05-18
#5
Name: Saheli Subject: one more point
One thing that i really wanted to suggest was to try to get positive with your ILs. Atleast trying from your side once, to start being nice to them, taking their care, praising them on their face - everuything much enough to surprise them and start changing their lookout for you. They are also humans, at some point they will also feel you are not as bad as they think.
But something that i really did not like was hitting the child and lieing. Hitting a child is unacceptable. Even for parents. Even if they start liking you and take care of children, the basic priciples or values that one has, is hard to change.
It reminds me one incedent. One aunt of my hubby visits us frequently and styas for cpl of days. She loved my kid like a Dadi, but once i overheard her scolding my kid. And my kid was silent.
Irrespective of my child´ s fault or not, it hurt me. Not bec i m his mom, but because as a human - no one wd like to get hurt/insulted like that. For a moment I looked at my child as a human and felt how a person must be feeling to be humiliated like that.
And it was a lesson for me too. I myself have hard tone at times speaking with my kid. I now never scold him (forget hitting or spanking i never did that). And when he misbehaves, i tell him that i m explaining nicely and if he wont listen, i ll need to scold which neither he nor me will like. He obeys. Anyways.
If u think u can try this suggestion, go for it. There is no better solution like ´ everybody happy´ .
2007-05-18
#6
Name: Saheli Subject: re:
I felt one thing after reading your 5-14 post. I may be wrong, but looks that you are expecting too much from your ILs, especially MIL.
This is just in comparison of what others (like me) normally expect from our MILs - which is Nothing! Or putting it the other way, ILs these days probably feel that if they are helping with looking after grandchildren or helping in house/kitchen then they are obliging us (atleast my MIL feels so and I knew it only when she actually said that to me).
If you are expecting ILs to look after your children while you are away, cook meal once, etc, then you will have to adjust with their ways. And on top of it, when they have to adopt your way of life - like cooking veg or how to rare kids, I think MIL is not liking it.
As for the incidents you have expressed (guests for dinner, overhearing you), it also indicates same thing, that you are expecting them to be your way. And your MIL who already seems to have basic issues like lying, etc, leaves no chance to trouble you because she is not able to control you otherwise.
Avoid them as much as possible, is still what i suggest. And this means, dont depend on them for anything, dont expect anything. Manage and handle your life and children. But I agree that living in same house, its not possible to draw a hard line on depending/expecting. But i think you will have to drive this harder. Those things that you can handle yourself, get them off. For other things like cooking, etc, I wd say, leave it totally to MIL. Let her run the house her way if she wants that. For things she is handling, dont insist your ways. Accept her ways without a word.
You have your fridge, you can have a stove and cook ur veg. Let her cook both meals if she wants. Keep fridge in your room. If she still asks things from ur fridge, give it, and you buy more next day. Keep some healthy snacks for u and kids. I agree these are small things but happening again and again, but in such cases you wd have to let them go again and again. and in all such other cases. To let ur peace remain. At the end, they are materialistic things.
How long will you lose your peace of minds for things which she isnt doing right, accor to you? I think its time to just let it go. These things are not so serious or worth impacting your peace of mind.
One more suggestion, see if u can try. Try and praise mil and fil at times to hubby. The trick is, there should be more number of praises between 2 complains. He will change!
I wasnt clearly able to understand the citizenship thing, but i think they are going to be with u always. Take care and dont worry.
2007-05-18
#7
Name: V Subject: Things which I´ ve done
As I said before, I´ ve coped by detaching myself from them as much as possible, while living in the same house.
The reason they want citizenship is so that their medical insurance will be free - from the government. " I" don´ t think they want to settle in India. However, they all (DH and ILs) claim that they will go to India. They will also get ssi income from government if they are citizen.
Vimpi, I´ ve tried to talk to them about the issues. It doesn´ t work. It always degenerates into bashing me, excusing their behaviour and nothing getting settled.
DH has now realized that his mom lies. I´ ve heard him tell her that she lies. However, inspite of that, he always takes her side in an argument. I´ ve even stopped arguing with all of them in the room. I just tell DH what I need and leave it to him to tell his parents. That way, there is no taking things the wrong way.
Inspite of my trying to separate things, she will purposely take something of mine. For example, she knows we will have guests in 5 days. If it is lunch, it´ s her turn to cook. Does she plan and get her son to buy vegetables, etc? No. I would have planned and bought vegetables for dinner. On the day the guest arrives, she will use my vegetables. What can I say? Don´ t take it? When guests are arriving? If I try to bring up the point that she knew 5 days ago that they were coming, they hush it up saying I´ m picking on small things. Agreed, it´ s not a big issue, but when this happens again and again, it does become a big issue. And, on top of this, she had the audacity to claim that I cannot manage the house without her. So, she does things like this to provoke me and annoy me into telling her off. Then she can act the victim and say sorry and her son will feel bad for her.
DH made a rule that after 6pm they have to go up to their room and be there until about 8:30 when the kids and I go up to our rooms. They have a TV in their own room. Also, when I´ m working from home, I´ m in my room all day until 6pm, even taking lunch into my room to eat so as to avoid listening to their fighting. But, she as always, makes excuses to come down and listen to my talks with my kids. The reason I don´ t like that is that she will listen to a small piece of what we are talking, interpret in a whole different way and go tell my DH. I had taken her to my son´ s pediatrician when he was an infant so she could hear from the Dr about the safety concerns. What does she do? She comes home and says the complete opposite of what the dr has said.
In short, detatching from all of them is the best solution. I ignore them, don´ t talk to them unless necessary, keep my kids as much away from them as possible and don´ t even complain to my DH about them. All interaction with them go through DH. If he forgets to tell them something, oh well!
Thanks for all your suggestions.
2007-05-15
#8
Name: romi Subject: question?
Why would they apply for citizenship if they intend to live with you only for a few years?
Does one not have to swear allegiance to the new country when taking citizenship?
2007-05-14
#9
Name: vimpi Subject: solutions?
Hi,
Each one has their own way of handling situations like yours. I always bring issues out in the open for discussion and make everyone including myself look at truth in the face. I believe in facing problems headon, honestly and truthfully. This works for me but whether it works for you now that is for you to figure out.
The main thing is you need to have a solid honest relationship with your spouse only then you can have open converstions with your spouse. In my case I enjoy a very open honest conversation with my FIL and husband and they never have difficulty understanding what I am saying. So whenever there is a scene by my MIL my FIL always advises me ignore her get on with your work don' t waste time over her tantrums. So my FIl my husband and I work together to handle it. If I had to do it by myself I would go crazy!
So establish a solid relationship with your huasband first! That is the most important thing!
2007-05-14
#10
Name: vimpi Subject: Same story everywhere!
Hey V,
Most of us have the same story about MILS. So all that you describe happens to all the DILS here.
As for your husband he sounds quite a bit like any of our husbands does´ nt he girls?
In the beginning my husband would´ nt hear a word against his mom. He was like this kid who thought the world was his mom. Every little thing had to be told to her and her way was the best way in cooking, housekeeping or anything else. It was very difficult for me to find a place for myself at first. Now over time he has come to realize that it is with the spouse that one spends the maximum years of ones life even if it is the mom who brings you into the world. Also we come into each others lives as adults whereas the relationship with parents undergoes changes from child-adultparent to adult-adultparent.
Like I said you will have to bring issues out in the open in front of all.
I have stood by my stand whenever I am convinced that I am right. Eventually people will have to see the truth which is what happened to my husband. He realized that he needed to stand by that and eventually inspite of all the tantrums when my MIL sees even my FIL and her beloved son take my stand she is forced to realize that she is wrong. It is very difficult for her because she has had her way all through life and she has to adjust in her old age. But if she wants to live with her son she must realize that she will have to adjust to our ways otherwise she will be a loser. When one realizes what are ones options and limitations are then one will figure out what one should do.
So establish your relationship with your husband. Stand by the truth. You see it will pay off. Everyone has to bow their heads down in front of Truth. No use looking away from it or trying to look for superficial ways to handle the matter. They will never work in the long run.
2007-05-14
#11
Name: Padma Subject: I Agree
Hi,
I really agree with what saheli speaks, I think this really works. If you start involving your husband in all problems, the chances of getting irritated are more than taking your side, finally you will be spoiling your relation with him. Don' t make him involve him too much.
Go ahead with what saheli was saying.
ALL THE BEST!
2007-05-14
#12
Name: Saheli Subject: Avoid
Dear - There' s seems to be a problem with mil' s attitude, with FIL' s attitude, in their behavior towards children, with what children are learning from them, with hubby who seems to be quiet and face it, just like most other hubbies in such cases.
How many problems would you attempt to address? And how many of them do you think you will be able to actually resolve? We all know its not possible to change people like that so that things turn our side even if they are wrong. As for hubby, i dont think he is going to change much. Husband' s become more and more quiet as the problem aggrevates. Dont think that they cannot see truth, or that they believe mom 100% always. They do see the right side at times, but they just avoid fights by keeping quiet.
And after all this, what about your wishes, your desires, your choices and most imp - your peace of mind?
so -- Is it possible to avoid these people as much as possible? I mean, interact with them as less as possible? How old are your kids? Are you a working person?
Is it possible that you put children to daycare/something and you do something that you are busy and earning?
I think confronting these people as less as possible should help you. And as you have said, its a temporary problem. Talk to your husband when you 2 are in good mood and tell him, look, i am not liking all that is happening but i am not complaining either. I accept them as they are but I am just finding out my options. I too have life and choice to bring up children the way i want. If hubby refuses, request him to either fix the major concerning issues with ILs (hitting the child, asking them to lie, or mil lieing to you). You need to take a firm stand. Though the hubbies dont like to oppose parents, they still have to be answerable and accountable for wife and children' s happiness. And tell him, you are not asking him to fight/argue or change ILs, you are infact asking for an option which will benefit all, so ask him to respect your option.
And mornings and evenings when you people are at home, just interact with them as much as required, do your bit, and stay in your room. Good there are 2 kids, so they together can be busy in their/your room.
Lessen points of intereaction wherever you think possible. For example, cooking, housechores. Let MIL run all that her way if she wants. Avoid as much possible, all points where it irritates you.
And for points where you cannot, just ignore it. Priorities were your children' s learning and your peace of mind which I think should be addressed by avoiding. Rest, something somewhere you too will have to adjust.
See if this suits you. Not aware of your other details like working/non working etc.
Let us know. Good luck.
Saheli
2007-05-14
#13
Name: V Subject: Thanks
Hi Saheli and others,
Thanks for your answers. I have tried bringing things in the open. MIL acts innocent and claims that she forgot, etc. FIL tries to agree with me, but DH doesn´ t believe anything he says, so it actually hurts my credibility when he agrees with me. DH will make excuses like she is a villager, doesn´ t know anything, etc.
Regarding getting DH on my side - how do I do that? He comes home late - when the kids and I have finished dinner and are upstairs. He then eats with his parents, watches tv with them and comes up after I´ m asleep. He´ s still sleeping when I leave for work.
I have been doing some of the things you suggested. I HAVE to cook since left to her, all she´ ll cook is rasam - no vegetables. I need atleast one vegetable per most meals. So, DH said MIL will cook lunch and I will cook dinner. But of course, she will try to encroach on dinner by making extra for lunch and trying to serve it. I tried fighting it for a while and then gave up - no point in doing it.
The other thing was the vegetables. I would get enough for say a curry (which needs more veggies). She would use half to make sambar. Now, the remaining is not enough for curry, only for another sambar. Or, she would finish off the vegetable and not write it on the list which is right there on the fridge along with a pen. All I´ d ask is for her to write the finished items on the list. She would say yes, she´ ll do it, but not do it. Also, since she wouldn´ t keep things in the same place all the time, it would mean I´ d have to look in 3-4 different places to see whether there are any left and then write it on the list and then go get them. With my working, taking kids to their activities in the evening, etc, I don´ t have time to go through everything all the time. So, to eliminate this problem, I bought another fridge, kept my things there and told her not to touch my things. For an outsider, this might seem petty, but for me, with all my activities, I didn´ t have the patience to deal with having to constantly change my menu on the fly because something was missing.
I had a very very hard time putting my younger son in daycare at 3 years of age. I had to strongly insist and put him in one. Now, I´ ve made it very hard for them to spend time with my kids and teach them bad habits. I´ m with the kids most of the time they are home. I´ ve taken gradual control of everything pertaining to them.
I believe the issue is DH not setting " consequences" for her behaviour. He will scold her sometimes, but then nothing changes. She´ ll lie low for a few days and then start again. This happens so often that it´ s pathetic.
Peace is what I need. MIL and FIL are constantly fighting with each other when DH is not home. They tell each other to shut up all the time. But if someone else (I don´ t count) is home, they act as if they are the sweetest people on earth. So, spending even an hour in their company is torture for me with the constant fighting - no peace at all at home. I hate that my kids are living in such an environment. I hate that I cannot teach my kids to love and respect their grandparents when they so blatantly see how unworthy they are. I do NOT say bad things about inlaws to my kids. But I cannot lie and say good things about them either. The kids themselves are beginning to feel no love/respect for their grandparents.
I can write more about them, but in short - living with them is a misery.
Thanks for listening to my vent.
V
2007-05-12
#14
Name: sarika Subject: Helllllooo
Why don' t you try reverse pschology,as in, now keep praising your mil and fil,when your kids lie make sure you ask them questions only in front of your husband,let him see how his kids lie,when your hubby praises his parents,agree with him,ask him though first that you would want to gel with your in-laws so ask his tips as to how you should go about winning your mil' s heart,then do everything acc to what your hubby tells you,and then when she bad mouths you or illtreats you ask him now what you are supposed to do,make him see the for what they are.
Try and see how this works for you.All the best.
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I feel that my husbands parents are using their son. My husband is from India and I am from the USA. He obtained his greencard and citizenship through me after coming here. He is a physician and obtained his residency training. I worked to earn for our family for two years until he got his job. Then he applied for his parents to visit us on a visiting visa. We were both wo... - Tina Shah [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
I agree they have completely double standards as I recently found out. I saw my husbands childhood photos when he was young. His parents claim they sacrificed everything for their kids and lived poor and behave like martyr parents. Got treated as free domestic servant. But the photos showed them dressed like Bollywood stars with watches and jewellery enjoying their life. O... - Tina [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. ... - Tina [View Message]
RE:Jadu on food?
Hi , I am facing the same thing.. I married my husband and we are not only from different caste but also different country. My in-laws are so nice to me on face but I can sense the jealousy and that inferiority majorly in my mother in law and my sister in law.. I never had such doubts but I experienced pain sadness , depression while they use to be nice .. and it was confu... - Noname [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are rudely talking with her, then this is not way to talking with your mother in law, you tell her in polite way, your son is her grand son, so she never think about his bad effects.... - ruchita [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
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RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are dont like your mother in law behaviour then tell her on face, that you dont whenever she gave sugar to her son, so she may be stop giving sugar to him, and your porblem will be sort out.... - kamna [View Message]
Re:
Detaching
On V´ s second 5-14 reply
Name: romi
one more point
re:
I Agree
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