Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I need a suggestion. My husband is a typical mama's boy who talks to family everyday from the US. I buy different products like nice shower gels/creams etc and sometimes i do not buy expensive ones either. My husband has to go and buy it for my MIL the same product that I use. He has great memory and will go get it when she visits us. Even for FIL, he'll buy the same line but ofcourse for men. MIL doesnt even have to ask cos her son will automatically get the same product as I use. How to stop this in a diplomatic way. He has to let her know everything. We were planning on buying a car so he asked his BIL to research the one I had picked. When I told him that MIL/SIL will find out- he called up MIL and asked her for auspicious dates to buy the car. He told me that he had called MIL and he told her he's planning on purchasing a car. Hes very immature too.
I know this is minor but it kills me that everytime I use some new product he say he will buy for MIL. Plus, I don't feel too good these days - not comfortable in my own home especially on weekends cos they will call and eat our head up. I lose sleep etc too. Its important for my health mentally and physically since I am working. swati tanwar replied. thx 2 all for replying...this was just part of what was on my mind...theres way more...i agree with xanthia & madhuri that this is very minor...thx neela for the efforts...u will find this funny but my husband buys products (same brands) for his dad too. like we went to a store to buy shower gels etc (i never buy makeup since i dont apply much) and i wanted him to pick some shaving product for him. He bot the same for his dad and keeps buying and sending it thru some1 or the other so that he(FIL) doesnt run out. His mom usually takes him to a grocery store to buy hair dye, makeup(foundation) or to bath and bodyworks for expensive face creams. I never ever said a word. shes 60 and wears lenses and buys lenses plus solution from the US and not from middle east where she lives. she does get a prescription from there. MIL wears sunglasses too - bigger than her face...lol.
Actually when they were here, i took my inlaws to the store and FIL bot his aftershave and i thot i'll pick soemthing for MIL too. She insisted that I pick the same for SIL. So, now she wanted a face wash so my husband automatically picked the same as i used from the local store. he even took her to the same salon for massages. they cut me out totally cos the son knows it all. he will make salon appts...take her everywhere. MIL needs attention. She even called our neighbors (husabnd's freind's wife) and asked her to teach her to cook ravioli. Then asked her for a ride to the grocery store too. So my husband gave her the phone number and she makes sure that she stops over and chats with these freinds of ours on her evening walks. the wife is stay at home mom. But guess what, this freind actually dropped off her son for MIL to babysit. I am not too freindly with her(neighbors wife) but visit when my husband goes over for drinks.
his parents r always competing...like my parents wrote a check for our new home...so they gave it 2 us when they visited. my inlaws came later and worte a bigger check. then, on our 1st anniversary, my parents sent an expensive dinner set a month ealier than the anniversary. my inlaws senta chek for an amount of leser value than the set. my husband proabbly couldnt guess the value. then the 2nd anniversary my parents sent a chek, MIL was visiting her daughter in US since she has 2 come every 6 months due to GC(thats another long story), there was a chek mailed to us. I cheked postage and it was mailed after we recd from my parents past our anniversary.
Then on MIL's annual visit, she was telling us how FIL went to delhi and met with all her family. So, I asked if FIL met with his side of the family who live in another city. She said they flew over to meet him- pretty sure she lied. She is now in India visitng not only Delhi but her husband's side of the family and actually flew to her husband's side of the family. I cheked my husabnd's email and the itinerary was in his email - they never told me directly.
MIL even moved FIL from bbay to Delhi a year after she got married. I am very sure she doesnt get along with her inlaws(i mean FIL's sis and brother since FIL never had parents-passed away in partition) and has never lived with them. Now my mom is in india and is visiting all relatives both sides - i keep telling my husband abt how she attended my niece's wedding from my dad's side. My mom actually gets along with every1 and my MIL does not. The worst is their plan to move in with us after they retire. My husband never brings it up but he had asked b4 we got married and i said yes unknowingly of what i had committed to. Isnt it sad that MIL/FIL lived independently in anothet country without inlaws. Their daughter's MIL passed away within 2 years of her marriage. Her FIL is non interfering and visits off and on - has a GC but splits up time between his 2 sons. Poor man has been living alone in India for the past 10-11 years since his wife died. But ofcourse he(my Sil's FIL) has his family there. If he was interfering, he'd have moved rite away as soon as his wife passed of cancer 10yrs ago. Madhuri replied. Dear Swati
I agree with xanthia totally!!! please dont waste ur time & energy worrying about unnecessary things. Your husband like most Indian guys ( including my hubby) seems to be very attatched to his parents & might be missing them a lot. He seems to think highly of you & your choice that is why he insists on buying the same products that u are using instead of for eg asking the sales girl or other females. As u are staying away from ur inlaws u dont have to deal with any interference on a day to day basis. I would be grateful for that. please dont feel insecure coz ur hubby loves his parents. This means that he will also love u & ur kids ( present or in the future) & will always be loyal to u. Just because u r in USA u cannot forget ur Indian roots where traditionally boys lived with thier parents. Try to appreciate your freedom & ignore the rest otherwise it might result in misunderstandings with ur hubby.
all the best!!! Neela replied. Hi Swati,

Just wanted to share that I understand exactly how you feel cos I have heard of many DILs with same problem of having to buy two things to keep mom happy - though usually it is the MIL who makes the son buy things for her - For some it is gold and jewellery so it might make you feel good to know that you got a better deal - atleast it is only shower gel so you are born under a lucky star :-)) (I know of many women who have never had this problem since their hubby has always made it clear to mom as well as wife that since they are of different age groups and are different people they would not do the exact same thing for both. Many MILs also accept this....

I think it is not the shower gel itself that is irritating but the thought that whatever you buy, your hubby has to buy for his mom! Honestly, it is irritating...

If poss, best thing to do is to talk directly to hubby and honestly and tell him you feel weird that he is buying the same thing as you i.e makes you feel like his mom instead of wife...that you want him to be a husband for you not behave like a son to you!!!!

Anyways here are a couple of suggestions from my side....

First thing is try and see if you can make yourself feel good by telling yourself that your taste must be really good - hey, if not would your hubby buy the same brand? - suggest this to him once saying you never realized you had such good taste. If he agrees and says thatz why he buys it, maybe this will be a payoff for you and will make you feel okay - if not....

1. When you go shopping, make it a point to tell your hubby to find a fragrance that he finds sexy and ask him to buy it for you - use it and tell him you use it for him - will make him happy and may stop him from buying same product for mom!

2. Share with him story of 2 girls - one could sing well, one could dance well - The mom wanted to do things equally for both kids and made both of them go to music classes - this was good for the girl who could sing well. But the girl who could dance well lost out since she was bad at dancing.
MORAL - what works for one person will not work for the other....

3. Ask your MIL abt her skin type in the next conversation - dry / oily / semi-oily etc. - Then you tell her yours - from then on, whenever you buy a product make it a point to buy for your skin type ONLY - that way your product cannot be replicated....

4. Some brands are harsh on skin and can be used on younger people but older people need gentler stuff - that could be a differentiating point i,e bring up age with hubby and tell him that it is not good for older people (if true of course...)

5. Ask you MIL what fragrances she likes i.e rose, lavender, apple etc - If it is different from yours buy accordingly (Of course ask all in front of hubby so next time he buys the same thing you can suggest that another brand with fragrance she likes is better for her...)

6. Finally want to point out one other thing that happened with me - my hubby used to buy stuff for his mom but she used to find the fragrance too overpowering - Once she made a negative comment about it hubby stopped buying it. So if it irritates you too much, try buying a very strong flavor for yourself and pretend to use it for a bit. This might stop the behavior....

I think all women appreciate men who treat their wife and mom differently and not the same!!.....I think I understand from what you are saying that you don't have a problem with your hubby buying things for parents - only buying the exact same brand that you have....

Finally with sharing everything that you do with in-laws - I think you need to make a list of things that are okay to be shared for you and not okay. For example some people are okay sharing the menu of the day but not okay sharing finances etc. (Of course you have to be sharing some common things so it can't be something like you can't tell them anything that's happening here...)...But at the same time you are entitled to your privacy regarding certain things...

Then just before your hubby calls, remind him of the things that you are okay with him talking - What I find is that most guys want to share everything becos 1. they don't know what to talk about 2. People on the other side are very curious about what is going on here.

If you can make a list and give him the things that you are okay him sharing, the 5 mins he talks will be spent on that - after that even in-laws get bored listening to stuff! Just make it a point to remind him of the positive things you did like maybe make a special dish, visited a store where you saw a fragrance she liked, watched a particular movie that you think they might enjoy etc. - this way you keep your life full, you decide what is talked and they are also satisfied.

Finally in-laws pepper their sons abt questions till their son starts praising the wife - after that they stop cos they don't want to hear your praises believe me! So try and do things that your hubby will appreciate - eg. if he is religious, do special pooja for him. If he appreciates you to them, they'll stop badgering him with questions about you! However if hubby complains about you to them, they love it and lap it up and will not stop asking questions!....

Finally about telling him MIL / SIL will find out - it's a bad idea with mama's boys. Till he changes little bit and is willing to protect your privacy, you are going to be in this situation. These guys don't understand the concept that it is okay for them not to tell everything to parents and get their approval for everything - they think it means they are letting down their family! Sounds silly to us right? but what to do? - these guys are pretty much from the same mold and make up the majority!

If you suggest such a thing it will be viewed as you separating the family or worse trying to pull him away from his family! (As though you don't have better things to do right?!) But it is worse for the guys cos their mom / sis do dramas and make him feel really guilty as though he has committed a crime. Most men cannot survive this guilt-trip and so they cave in!

So suggestion is to simply live with it or better still give him the confidence that you'll integrate his family into your life. Again make a list - example. you may be okay with MIL telling you auspicious time - so even before your hubby brings it up, next time, you suggest to him to ask mom.

If you keep doing this sometimes insecurity that wife is trying to separate him from family leaves guys and they actually become more understanding of your need for privacy in certain things...just some thoughts!

Finally if you have a SIL, please be really nice to her and don't badger your bro with questions and probe into their life. If he shares private details of their life, ask your SIL if it is irritating her. If yes, tell your bro to take a back seat and stop it! Then ask your SIL to praise you in front of your hubby for being the best non-interfering SIL in the world - believe me this last thing works the best!

Good luck! Neela







xanthia replied. If you read some of the posts here you will realize that a lot of women here have much more serious problems than shower gels and cosmetics! You seem to be insecure in your relationship with your husband and his emotional proximity to his parents seems to worsen those feelings in you. It is best to talk this over with your husband and let him know how his \" mama\" dependance is affecting you. If he is a good man he will try to work with you in this regard. But first maybe you need to work on yourself and understand why you feel so insecure in your relationship with your husband. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself.