Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

A friend of mine is having this problem. When she shared about it, though I had some suggestions for her, I did not have a proper answer/resolution. I felt i needed a male's perspective and immdly remembered you.

Tell me what u think abt this and how shd the girl handle the situation.

Its 1+ yr she is married (arranged marrg). Computer Engg and working in IT comp.
I met her 2 m back.

MIL, FIL, Hubby and she in family. Her SIL was also with them but got married few months back. SIL has some physical problem so in-laws are more emotional abt her, she stays 2 lanes away now.

My friend says she has passed last 1 yr crying bec of taunts from MIL and FIL.
When i meet her in office, almost everyday she has a new tale.

She cooks lunch for all in morning and dinner by MIL. Her office is 40km away. Change of job not possible.

Some examples
- my friend takes lukewarm milk before sleep at night, nobody else does that. Once she casually asked her hubby if he too wants it, he said yes. So she also asked FIL out of manners ... FIL said \";if someone asks only then i can say yes, but no one asks me generally\";
- once my friend's friend's father expired so she had to go for funeral. Hence she cooked some simple food as she had less time.
After she returned from funeral, in-laws created a huge scene fr not making proper food for them.
There is one mentally-retarded person in their relatives. The MIL said \";u r no different that that person\";
-MIL always looks for giving away my friend's gifts to her daughter
-Both MIL and FIL leave no oppor to taunt the DIL. My friend says she still doesnt feel too attached to hubby as they are rarely alone or get oppor to go out etc.
- ofcourse, she must not be telling me worst cases. We generally dont let out all family things. So m assuming there must be more.


My friend is not so mature like a mother of 2 kids, she has just got married, so is senti about gifts from her parents, gets easily hurt on taunts and cries.

She perfers to be in office for long and reaches home later than 9pm so as to avoid dinner with famly. Gives reasons to family and stays in office on weekends too, this avoiding them.

I dont think thats the right way.
She expects her hubby to speak up and say \";pls stop taunting her\";, but he doesnt.

Why doesnt her hubby speak up?

What do u think she shd do in this case? job replied. Hi Saheli,
In my observation, first couple of years of arranged marraige are kind of full of fights. Man and woman dont know each other that much to trust each other. I had mentioned in my previous post that i trust my wife way more than i did say couple of years back. Trust develops with time. Some of the things that you mentioned are definately wrong on the in-laws side, some other things, i have witnessed myself, so find them a part of psychology and which recedes with time. From a males perspective, i would suggest crying in front of him when they are alone once in a while(not regularly) to get him emotional. Never answer back as that could piss the guy off. I am saying this thinking of myself in his place and not speaking much which could be because of the reason of not going against parents so as to not insult them. Basically, that means that the guy is a good person, but is remaining quiet. Avoiding them is not the solution, as the more she stays away from them, the more they are going to think of all the wrong things. It could also be better if she spends more time with them. Regarding the gifts, its not right of the in-laws to give them away to their daughter. For that there is no point arguing with the parents, she could talk to her hubby at night politely but firmly. Suggestion, dont talk about rights but about sentimental values. If she starts saying that it was sent by her father, its HERS, it could again piss him off. As many guys dont like wives talking about rights and shares very early in marraige(which again is ok after the trust is built up). I myself took about a year to have my wife's name in my bank accounts.
One big suggestion is tell her to get her hubby interested in this site. Honestly, its making me change my point of view, and i am more compassionate towards my wife now. (I hate to admit it, as im a typical MCP....lol) I stand firm on joint family thing that i spoke about, but have also started to think from my wife's point of view also. Thanks a lot to yourself and Neela...