Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi Adi,

I am so sorry to hear about what's going on. At the same time, I want to tell you, don't lose hope. My husband accused me of the same thing time over time when my in-laws where in for the 6 months, and even at times when they are not around. It broke me and like you, I wanted my life to end. But what kept me going is my husband himself. He said those things, but at the same time he didn't exactly mean them. He just wanted everyone to live happily together. And he reailzed that it's always a balance of merging to families in one. So here's what I would suggest:

1. Don't lose hope. Stay upbeat. Although, your thoughts for anniv weren't recognized, just know that you did the right thing and be content with that.

2. Openly, clamly, tell your husband -- I think I am making every effort. But if you think otherwise, please suggest how else I can change to better adapt to your parents. If he says do as my mom says, sleep in the direction she told you -- then explain him what there is no reason to do that and that you have a right to sleep however you want. I am if you tell him to sleep facing one way, would he do it?

--Another point to make with him is -- tell him that you want the best for the family as well. Why would you not want to do something good for the family? you love him and your family, of which is parents are a part of.

--Explain him your point of view. I used to get angry and argue with my husband in anger when he would make such comment. I realied that my speaking up in that tone and at that time when he was obviously upset, only led to him being defensive and pointing more fingers at me, like you have no place in a family, maybe you shouldn't have married and stuff. But as I stopped doing that and responded to his comments in an indifferent voice, with clear direct statement and questions, he responded much better and started offering me suggestions. I have to continue to rely on him to help me understand his parents. so it's a process, doesnt' happen overnight. I hope I'll do okay.

--Ask him to pick out a particular situation where he thinks you should have behaved differently. talk it through.

--just remember to be calm, that's the only thing will keep you from breaking down. It's very important that you keep yourself together, when there are so many places where people misinterpret your actions. also, it will help you keep a coversation from becoming an argument into a discussion.

3. Always tell yourself and your husband that you have the best intentions. maybe due to the difference in family parctices they get a different meaning.

4. remind him that you do respect your parents. does he think that you are that horrible of a person that you wouldn't respect the elders in the family or even any elders for that matter.

5. Remember you are a good person, a wife. don't lose hope.

6. it is hard to find a balance between -- what you should speak up for and what things need to slide and to make sure that everyone's expectations are met. I still struggle with that and hope that with time it will get easier.

7. I know one thing for sure, the more I discussed the matter with the husband, he was more understanding and helpful. he is defensive about his family, so I just have to be careful in how i state things, to make sure that I don't hurt his feelings or he doesnt' take it the wrong way. So i think he's your best resource/

8. ultimately, the one thing that matters is that your husband understands you. because, if he know that by going to sleep you are not trying to avoid his parents, then he will stop using that against you. and once he understands that even if his parents complain, he may not say anything back to them out of respect, but at least he won't accuse you.

9. Wish you all the best. i will keep parying for you. You are going to such a similar situation that I wish it were different.

(The key thing to realize here is your husband doesn't think that you are not a good wife or a person -- he sees that your relationship with his parents is not the same as what he has with them. He likes you just fine. It may be that his parents are complaining to him that your wife isn't talking to us and all. So he just burst out in frustration.)

good luck Adi replied. Hello Priti,

I cannot thank you enough. I am so glad to see your response this morning and feel a lot more comforted then I was before after going through your response.

My hubby apologized with me for whatever he said the other day and made me feel much more relieved after knowing that he realized that the gap is not just from my end. Although, I understand that for men it is difficult to admit that – but I am glad he had the courage to do so. I didn’t dig further into the “whys” coz I didn’t want to bring up another discussion and spoil whatever time I found was going peaceful. It helped me a lot to gather myself back. It definitely doesn’t come easy- but I am just praying God to give me strength to make it peaceful and easy everyday.

Your pointers are pretty much the same thoughts that I had in mind. Infact I already have asked him to advise me if he wants to see something specifically changed at my end so that it makes him and his family happy. As far as the thing of me acting indifferently is concerned, I tried asking him the instance, when he pointed out to me- but he refused to share it and mentioned that he is not good in keeping journals. Being persistent would just blow him off, so I would not pursue it further. This makes me sometimes think if he is hearing complains from his mother and making it appear that it is coming from him. However, I still wish if he can understand my perspective thoroughly since I don’t want to be a complain box and go up to him pointing out fingers of whatever stuff comes back and hurt me. All I think it appears to him is that I am too sensitive and cannot just “Let it go”.

I think I lack words in explaining stuff at times and your tips might come handy in putting the words correctly in front. Some words that you mentioned stand true with my hubby too- like you said that he wants all of us to be a one good happy family. All I think is that since he cannot go upto his parents and say it loud – he burst back on me out of frustration. I really feel bad and wish I could something like a magic wand to correct this situation. Movies seems just a right fit- it comes together so nicely in the end.. Cant the same thing happen with us within a matter of 2-3 hrs?

Once again, thanks for all your support and understanding my feelings and being a good listener- somehow I have started counting on you for solutions. I am grateful for all your opinions and suggestions. hi replied. Hi Adi,
After reading your posts I feel like I am reading my story. My mil is just like yours. Its been 7 years since i have been marrried and I suffered at my mils hands just like u. so i totally understand what u r going through. All I want to say is that don't lose hope be strong.

A few suggestions.
1. Don't doubt urself. You have not done anything wrong and don't let anybody make you feel that you have spoilt a haapy family, bcoz u haven't. Mils like ours are the ones who have a problem and they cannot be helped.

2. Don't try 2 change ur mil. YOu will never be able to change her. instead try 2 change urself. u don't have 2 be rude but have 2 be firm and strong. stand up for urself.

3. play some politics if u can. for eg: if she gives u salty food try 2 give that plate to ur husband acting as if plates got exchanged or something like that. let him take a bite just so that he knows low can his mom go.

4. my mil would also frown if i woke up late. not only that she used to start making loud noises from the kitchen just to let me know - hey dil its time 2 wake up. and know what i used to wake up after hearing her unloading the dishwasher at 6 in the morning for no reason bcoz i knew it means that she wants me to wake up now and if i don't she is going to be upset. i did this all these years but then i had it. now if she makes loud noises from the kitchen, i not only NOT wake up taht time but intentionally wake up even later than usual so that she knows that i don't give her a damn. If she frows i let her frown. I admit that i still feel uoset and a bit scared when she is uoset but i try not to show it on my face. Get up whenever u want to. You need as much rest as much as her son.
Let her bark Who cares. Let her tell the whole world what a lazy/bad dil u r. who cares. i can tell this 2 u bcoz today i really don't care (i used to a few years ago)

5. don't expect much from ur husband at this point. u have been married just over a year now. he doesn't know u well especially if it is an arranged marriage. But do let him know how his mom behaves with you in a calm way so that slowly he will also know what his mom is up to (by slowly i meand a few years)

5. If you are in the u.s. try to go to a counsellor/psycologist. there is nothing wrong in that. it does not mean that you have any kind of problem. but sometmies talking to someone direcly is the best way to vent out ur anger. your insurance may also cover the visits.

Lasly i want to tell you that this message board has helped me a lot when i was needed help. i got some really good advice, courage to carry on and a sense that i am not alone from this message board.

Bottom line. Stand up 4 urself. It does not mean u have to be rude, but it just means that you le tothers know that u r not a doormat and need to be treated with respect. Consider urself lucky that it is a matter of only 6 months.

Good luck and take care ...