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Hi All

I'm a well educated woman who worked in a fortune 500 MNC as a manager for 4-5 years. My hubby and I live separately after marriage (in bangalore) inlwas are in Delhi. In May I got pregnant and had to quit my demanding job, because of severe complications (was on bedrest). My in-laws came to stay with us for 4 months to \";take care\"; of me ostensibly in this period. My MIL is also educated (doctor) but she never had a full time job - only small time private practice. She thinks no end of herself - she is very smart, educated, social etc. Her 2 sons worship her. She came here and immediately \";took over\"; my entire kitchen - started dictating everything - cooking herself, instructing maid, deciding what groceries to buy etc. My parents said she is \";so sweet. treats u like a daughter, really taking care of u etc.\"; Yes that is true but she did it only because she is a \";control freak\";.
Initially I was very very depressed. I was at home entire day, jobless (after a high power MNC managerial role), felt like a stranger in my own house and worried about my unborn baby's health.
My MIL instead of making food that I craved for (everyone said I should eat what I felt like in this state) cooked exactly what food they always eat in delhi(watery daal, smelly fish, terrible food) and which I can't stand. I somehow ate everyday. I hated oily fried food everyday but she persists in making such unhealthy food despite better nutrition sense being a doc.
I couldn't even serve myself a glass of milk in \";my own kitchen\"; because she would rush in after me \";beta let me do it, u go and rest\"; etc. I felt thoroughly useless and unwanted.
Despite my disturbed mental state - I did not utter a single, word of complaint to my hubby. I went and joined a neighbourhood painting class when I was allowed to walk. This made me feel slgihtly better.
I counted the days when they would leave. after 4 mths, my FIL fell ill so MIL decided that \";this city doesn't suit his health\"; and went back to Delhi (because she missed her friends methinks!)
Finally - atlast - they left! I thought they would not come for my child's delivery as my own mom is supposed to come at that time. But now they have gone and announced their intention to be here few days before delivery date. I don't want the house teeming with people - my hubby's brother lives 2 lanes away but despite being elder takes NO responsibility to keep his parents with them! Infact hubby's bro & wife have no children and keep on going on holidays, abroad etc not bothering about entertaining their parents when they were here, while we both have to sit and look after them, not go out anywhere etc.

Now if I start working after baby is born - I am really terrified I will have to again endure my \";omnipresent super efficient\"; mother in law. She will definitely insist she wants to take care of kid while I work. I will be stuck with them for the rest of my life!
I am just praying that my SIL (hubby's sister) has a baby immed after me so that MIL's attention is diverted to stay with her own daugher and leave all the \";caring mother\"; stuff out for her DIL (!)
See maybe she genuinely cares (as my mom tried to convince me) but if she did, she needs to start being respectful that this is my house and I shall be more than happy to keep her in-charge. If I was working this issue wouldn't arise. But as a housewife I need to feel of some use in the house - she can't just take control all by herself.

So far I am the epitome of politeness and obedience. If she says walk I walk, if she says wear a sari I wear a sari, if she says eat, I eat. I had become a complete doormat.
I just don't have a clue how to 'stand up' for myself. Esp if she tries to take control of how to manage my baby! saheli replied. Thanks Tony S. I Appreciate.

I am a normal person, I too make mistakes. See i missed such an important point in SGR's message which changed entire direction of my suggestion! Sorry for that, dear.

SGR ..
I assumed your MIL is going to stay with you forever after delivery. But now i think she is coming just for the delivery .. and you prefer that ur mother. Right?

Well, in that case, i think u r right.

For getting adjusted with such a MIL, delivery may not be the best time, you have got rest of your life to do that.

Even if the MIL is caring and efficient, and say \" beta ask me if u want something, dont get up from bed\" ...a DIL will always hesitate to ask the MIL. With mother, she wont mind waking her up middle of night.

With MIL after delivery, things will be running as per her wish, plus u will be helpless to say ur word. With your mom, you can change mgmt of house as needed if things are not suitable. You can add servant for housework if needed, and let mom be for ur help.

For my first delivery, my own SIL has suggested to call my mother (!), but since she was too old, i opted for MIL. MIL wd do cooking etc but never helped with baby. I wd get dead tired with baby's work .. the daily maid was insufficient ... i was going thru post delivery depression ... and ultimately the stress affected my milk supply.

U r also right in saying that in-laws plus mom .. so many ppl in house! Yes, mgmt will be a hotch-potch.

Please do something that only ur mom is with u. Cant u go to mom's place for delivery?
If not, will it help that u declare that u will be going to mom's place for delivery .. and then say at last moment tht plan has changed (giv a good reason) and then stay at home?
(sorry to suggest u to lie)

Can u talk directly about this to ur hubby, telling him how u r comfortable with mom? He can in turn talk to his parents that they shd go after 2-3 months ..?

See how u want to handle this.

All the best, wish you a smooth delivery and a healthy baby! When is it due?

saheli

kirti replied. You are feeling left out in your home. And this is quiet natural. I do not agree to voiceofreason comment. You do not sound a control freak to me. Where as ur mil does. Just the way your MIL was responsible to run the house in her time, u would also want to be in charge. She did her job n now its ur turn. I would suggest that talk to ur hubby calmly. I have gone through exactly the same. I can bet from my exp that the more she takes care, she would start thinking that she has done gr8 favours to u. She would want you to keep quiet. n once she becomes confident that she is the only who is managing, she would start finding faults also. Even I used to think that mil is so sweet to take care of me. But fact is, they do not want to give up the control they had all these years.
You will have to understand that she has some insecurity in her mind, even if u may not feel so. At this age, she may not have any goals in life. This is the only job where she can get satisfaction. You need to empathize her . But also understand that u need to be clear. If u accept things as it is, situation is going to be worst.
talk to your husband before hand. Let him know that u also need the sense of handling the house. Your openion is also important even if you are bed ridden or not giving so much time. Remiond him how things work at his home. His mother was the incharge of everything in her family n not her mil. Same way now u need to be in charge.
Dont feel guilty that if u do not accept whatever they want. Its your right. Be clear. Do not point out that she is stopping u. Just state what u want. And u do not owe any explanation to be given for the things u r doing ur way. Take your husband in confidence. One cant always look at tradeoffs n benefits. During prefnancy, u get nesting feel. Lot of emotional requirements are there. If after delivery if u find urself not in control, U may not want to go back to ur job too. Just to avoid the control that mil would be taking up.
Thats a feel, u need to be satisfied n only then u can go back to job. You tell ur husband to ask them to come after baby is delivered. Its very painful if u find ur baby in charge of someone else with whom u r not comfortable. Your mother would be the ideal person t be with you. U need mental peace just before n after delivery. Take care. bonny replied. i truly agree with u. and i can feel the situation wht u r in. i can only pray for u and ur baby. take care dear saheli replied. hi sgr
i too am in a similar situation like yours, only difference being, i am a little \" ahead\" in life ... that is, you are expecting a baby ... and have 2 kids, one is 4+ yrs and another 6mon. But when i read your story, i remembered my time when my MIL joined us .... when i had my first baby.

Same dominant nature, possessiveness ... plus i belong to a different culture. ... assume a copy paste of your problems and add her being against me and abusing me and my culture always.

Initially, after resuming my demanding job, i tried to take back the control of things. With one baby, i was successful too.

In the silent battle of power, as the kid grew up and started going to play school, i gradually came to a crossroad where i needed to give time to job, kid and myself. It wasnt easy to juggle all the things along with managing house.

So i silently gave the entire \" control\" to my MIL. Now all the overhead of managing house is with her.
Advantages? Many! I spend mornings and evenings with family, i also hv time for myself, my hobbies, reading, watching TV, going out with hubby etc. I can cook different recipes for my kid. More importantly, MIL's mind is busy. Remember, khali dimaag shaitaan ka ghar. If your mil has no work, she will become impossible. Let her be occupied with these worries.

And after i had my second baby, managing things was more challenging. Was neccessary to make elder kid feel not left out, taking care of little one (i still breastfeed her), elder one's homework, attending her school programmes, parents-meetings, preparing for her green/pink/fruit days ... gosh ... and by this time, i had moved up in office position .. so client calls, evening meetings .. anytime phone calls from team, working from home at night ... just imagine.

Present scene:

MIL is happy as she has control of entire house. Her choice of daily menu, her way of cooking, she manages my garden, my maids, everything. But also managed payment of salary to maids/paperwala/milkman ... argues with them for incorrect calculations ... arranges drawing room as per her likes ... even tells me which saree to wear for marriages ... etc etc.

Many things of these, i dont like. But the trade-off is not bad. At the end of day, MIL is a family member and will think our good, never bad. And the time i am getting for myself and kids is incomparable with what i m \" losing\" .

Trust me, the juggle to manage everything and kids and office is not easy as kids grow up. M sure your prefernce wd b to spend time with kids than buying grocery of your choice.

Dont know if u r in same situation or preferences of life. But u can think about it.

saheli SG replied. Congrats wudbe mother!!
I can understand tht u r disturb by her dominating behaviour.But u shud tk it this way tht they came here to tk care of u and also doing it.They r not servents to obey whtever u say.If they r mnging they house whn u r unwell definately they will hv the authority and also its their son's house.
My inlaws never even called me up to ask abt my health and not even after delivery.Still i cant be rude to them at face.
Just enjoy ur pre motherhood time.
She will go bck after 1-2 mnths of ur delivery...then u can tk care of ur baby as u wish.U definately need somebody and if she is fulfilling her responcility so why to bother ur mother.She can come later to stay with u.U can tell her tht u dont like oily food and ask ur hubby to bring wht u like...fruits,coconut water and icecreams etc.At home u can tell her politely to cook particular item for u.This problems comes with elders,but incase of ur parents u can tell them straight forward ,with inlaws u cant.So this is not inlaws prob.

After delivery my grandmother wants me to eat all ghee stuff which i hate and we had a daily arguments.Acc to dr also its better to eat fruits but who can convince them.

Dont worry...be happy and enjoy.After baby u cant think much abt going out so easily. voiceofreason replied. I truly can't believe how ungrateful you are! Listen to your mom-- be grateful that you have a caring MIL who put her own life on hold for you for 4 months to take care of you. Did you ever think that she wants to be there when HER GRANDCHILD is born, for crying out loud??? Did you ever stop to think that maybe she likes you and wants to spend time with you???? I'm a DIL too but I always see things from my MIL's perspective too. I also am a Vice President in a Fortune 100 company but I have enough humility to leave all that at the office and be gracious to my MIL. Reading your \" complaint\" , sounds to me like you are the control freak, not your MIL. Trust me, in 12 years of marriage, I've seen a lot of friends and family who ruined their own lives by becoming bitter and always seeing ulterior motives. Listen to your mom and be gracious. And hope that your children and their spouses will treat you with the same graciousness when the time comes. Good luck with the baby.