Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi! hope you'll give me your suggestions,can you give some tips how to live in a place where your 'mil'wants everything to be done as she says,you hardly feel comfortable in asking anything to her b'coz you are damn sure she'll say something which can hurt you most of the time,i'm a simple girl and dont how to play the politics but would appreciate ur suggestions as i do suffer with her,feel miserable seeing if its going to be forever.how can i change this its just 2yrs of marriage though.just FYI she have this bossy attitude with most of the people around.its hard to change such person i no but plz gve ur views on that.
thanx in advance. saheli replied. i thought SG is the one who had post first message ..
so i felt the poster has replied back again!

sorry SR replied. Hi Dil

I think you need to stand up for yourself and be very very firm. The more you take crap from your MIL, the more she will try and run your life.
I was in the same boat. Mine started on me 3 months after marriage. I listened to her for a firsther 3 months and then I had to be firm. Now I am very firm and if soemthing is not right, I answer her back there and then! She thinks twice now before saying anything to me. If she hurts you with harsh comments then do the same in return. Its the only way to stop her.
Good luck. saheli replied. you have said .. \" Everyone of u say to be polite..but really how do all mng to be soft & polite whn u r burning from inside.\"

dear .. i know what u mean to say
Pls dont think all of us are experts .. atleast not me...

. infact after reading ur new msg.. i felt u r also like me! My MIL is also v softspoken (atleast for ppl) and always says DIL doesnt hv ettiquettes and manners to speak.
She is also not very wrong .. the place where i come from, ppl are open and loving ... not softspoken and masked like these people.
I too cd not hide rude langg when i was burning from inside.
But i found that speaking rude only worsens matter.
It is not that i m softspoken always .. i m not perfect...
but i hv tried to be like tht..
so i am a mix of softspoken (speak what others what to listen) + silence + speak when u want to stand for urself (even if it is rude if required, and immdly walk away, dont stand there)

say - 70% times i remain silent, 20% times i am softspoken, 10% i speak my views even if it sounds rude.

Even after this change, MIL says i am rude.

\" Fine. I m like that. Laugh or cry but you have to spend life with person like me\" is my silent gesture.

And pls SG, stop crying. It irritates hubbies. They dont understand these type of feelings as they are not in the situation. Crying troubles only us, and others are so happY, nahi? Why waste our tears on people who are not worth?

See we cant change the situation too much, it will break the family.
But we are not like old bahoos, we are educated and we shall live our life the way we want.
Make a list .. actually on paper.. of what u want in life. Prioritise them.
Dont bend for the top ones u want.

You will find that materialistic things automatically take a lower place when we prioritise.
For example, my time for my kids and time i want to spend on weekends for myself is imp for (spending a cool weekend afternoon watching movie refreshes me for next week's office) .. so i dont compromise on that most times ... MIL invites guests/accepts invitations ... i refuse to join .. and call food from outside for guests (not always, sometimes i too adjust). i have even refused to go for marriages.

but daily menu of food or arrangement of drawing room is materialistic and i let her do it even if i dont like

kya karen ..

SG .. i dont know if i am able to help you. But i seriously want you to be little happier, i see u r burning from inside.
I m just trying my best.

good luck
saheli SG replied. Everyone of u say to be polite..but really how do all mng to be soft & polite whn u r burning from inside.I cant do this even if i think for a whole to politely say what i feel & want,when the real situation comes i either become stubborn and say something rude or start crying. R most of u soft by birth or u learned it to be like tht.Bcos of this even my hubby is also not able to understand how i feel. My mil is a very softspoken person.I think my hubby wants me to be like tht but i hate hipocracy.
For dil i can just say tht u r simple or smart but in this relationship most of us hv gone thru the same.we automatically become dumb infront of mils most of the time bcos of our hubbys..they like us to be an obedient bahu.Since they cant change their parents so they force us to maintain peace in the family.So only time and positive attitude is the solution for all this....
I wonder when a girl says tht her mil is very nice. saheli replied. My MIL is also like that, but your MIL seems to be \" little more\" . Its been 7 yrs for my marriage and i took some steps for that behavoir bec of which
some things have changed in my favour, some havent and i have to adjust and live with it like that.

It was my hubby who came to my help when i was frustated like you. I m not a simple girl as such, but yes politics and Maska is something i too cant do.

My hubby told me a golden rule \" speak what others want to listen\" and said use this with your MIL. Especially when you want to do something and know MIL will definitely say Ulta.

I used it and it helped me. For example, if i got something from market and she says \" you got it costly\" .. though i know i havent ... but i agree to her. I generally dont give different opinion on anything that she says (yes it sounds stupid but the trick works .. actually, when u r speaking against someone, the thoughts get added up in mind without realising and burst out sometime later)

If she is going to market with hubby and kid and i want the kid to stay home, then i prepare myself with questions so that final answer is \" let the kid be home\"

\" are you going to the far away market? oh there is so much traffic and lot of people, mummy pls carry water bottle for u and kid. Pls carry the stroller, if kid gets tired u ll have to carry her... mummy i m keeping some snacks for kid if she gets hungry u can feed her\" etc etc ... ultimately she gets tensed with so many tasks plus shopping ... and says let the kid be home!

Most things i let her decide .. everything from daily menu, getting veg/grocery from market, which dress my kids will wear, how the maid shd work, how the drawing room shd be arranged .. sab kuch ...

Disadvantages? Many! She wastes lot of money by buying extra veg/grocery which spoils with time. She cooks extra food that we keep eating for 3-4 days. She dresses up kids acccor to her time's fashion so they look out-of-date in front of today's kids.

What to do.. i m a working person and she takes good care of kids behind me. So i hv to adjust somewhere.

But for somethings, i dont compromise. I have never spoken out on those things, but my actions have shown that i wont listen on those things.
Example, if kid is going out with me, i shall dress her up and if someone says something, i dont utter a word, keep quiet, but dont change kid's clothes also.

Likewise, i put my stand on things i want to be my way. It took 1-2 yrs for her to accept that, she did lot of tamasha in early days that DIL doesnt listen to me .. but i was stubborn. When my hubby questioned, i showed him the list of things i dont object MIL and said please let me hv some things for myself, he agreed.

So moral of the story is
*leave most things on her, she has also managed family, so wont be bad as such
*for some things that u want to be ur way, dont bend, u hv right to live life. If u can speak out, say so, else revolt quietly like me.

Pls remember one thing also ... at the end of day ... she is also a mother, a lady who has managed her house so long. Family members used to obey her, and now she is seeing one new younger female trying to take control out of MIL's hands ... there is some insecurity feeling that now i will lose identity in the house .... so she starts trying to hold it with more force...
Its not easy to give MILs the feeling of security, because the indian culture mindset doesnt always allow MIL's minds to think positively for DILs ..

anyways ... sorry for long mail

all the best
saheli

Priti replied. I would say you need to speak up for yourself every now-n-then. so if she is being bossy and wants you to do something one way and you really want to do it another, then say so. tell her that this time you are going to do it your way. be firm and polite. but unless you say something she is going get her way. so you need to have your opinion heard. also, when you do speak up, you need to be prepared for a drama or however she ends up reacting. just make sure you don't break down in front of her. keep yourself together and then if you need to cry, do it in your privacy not in front of her. if she hurts your feelings you need to make that known. maybe your husband can help? without detials it is hard for me to suggest anything in specific. but in general it just seems like you need to stand up for yourself.
wish you all the best.