Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi all ,
I posted my problems earlier also. this time it is a realization of how foolish i was throughout. My husband, as long as i was listening to him was fine with me and kids. now since i realized that he doesn't respect me and my decisions, i keep quite and do what i feel like. so he stared showing his frustration by insulting me in front of my family. he didn't wish me anniversary , didn't wish me karwa chauth. i am just tolerating everything. because whenever i complaint i get a very rude response and after that i feel very low and regret it. now i put my kids in classes , he is bit interested and show no interest in what i am doing or whats happening. i want a happy family but i guess its difficult. he is so rude sometimes i feel how can a person so rude. tell me how to handle this situation and worst of all he is total grip of his sis who is well settled. please give me tips to handle him. xyz replied. Hi Friend,
How are you? I have got a job now and i am seeing the difference. His attitude is also changing. Thanks to you for encouraging me. Now i am feeling so light that i am not dependent on him and do things which i want to do. Thanks once again and be in touch.
take care,
xyz Priti replied. You two are so brave to put up with such emotional and physical abuse. More power to you. You just made me think of a couple of things...

someone i know ended up with a very physically abusive family, one day she called the police and things have gotten better since then for her. also, because of all the in-laws stress , she gave birth to a dead baby. And today, her in-laws and husband, though treat her okay have turned her daughter agaist her.
So i agree with di bh -- take control, act indifferent, and spend quality time with your kids, and involve your husband that way. you can't let others run your family.
wish you all the best... xyz replied. Hi
How are you? Thanks!!!! Now a days everyday he talks to his sis , his parents and when it comes to me he find faults. today i was on the verge of fighting then i remembered your advice not to show your feelings and be tough. so after controlling my anger i was feeling much better but inside i feel insecure about my inlaws and sils that i get very irritable and down. how you handled your abusive inlaws? please give me some more tips to get him to think about me and our kids first then about everybody else but now its the other way round and sometimes i feel very very lonely and feel like a stranger. take care , bye di bh replied. Good to know about your job search.you will find one soon.Hey husbands are one such category which cant be changed overnight. They are fed with too much emotional blackmail from their families that it will take us years to make them notice us and acknowledge us.Even my husband gets pangs of his sister once in a while. But i dont bother and change the topic immediately. Now he knows how much i hate her and doesnt talk about her. and let me tell u id didnt reach this stage overnight. I was in a abusive marriage from 3 yrs.from his family ,him everybody. His family is like that. Looks like they are well educated broad minded but their minds are in 12 th century.Treating woman like a no identity.But i gave all of them a strong jolt to bring back to reality that i wont take it from them. Now my husband realizes that what i said was right.Still he gets some days of sister talk i dont just respond and brush off. we dont have kids so he cant talk to anybody else too to continue.
Let me tell you my husband is also the same not much importance to birthdays anniversaries .So i devised a plan.I treat him to a dinner and a gift on his birthday and anniversary. So i do the same every year and now by third year he reciprocates on my birthday.Dont worry you dont ask for attention then u will get automatic attention.Best of luck. And have lots of courage it will only get you thru tuff situations.Take care. di bh replied. Glad it worked.We dont need to resort to all this tactics in marriage but we have no other go . Husbands ask for it. If they treat us well,we wudnt see in another direction and seek attention from them.
But one thing is there from all these experiences we learn the different levels of behaviour with them. See now you can find a job and little independence in acheived in return.And hey a working woman will earn respect from husbands.Also once u earn your husband will realize that he is proud of you.
As far as your SIL when you are working and your husband is bragging about u to her she will back off or throw a tantrum and your husband will see who is right.
You know when my husband said to my SIL that the reason he is working in US is becoz of me.She threw a tantrum and said oh u cant do it yourself to him.So he said if i cud i wud have but i cant and she can.for that she said oh i can do that too.She wants to do that from India.She just was thinking big deal i will steal limelight from her.So my husband said u cant do that in one day she did that for 4 yrs.She cried ,did emotional blackmail everything so that my husband will not say good about me.She cudnt digest it.becoz in my husbands house she is the limelight for everything.I didnt ask him to say so.It took me 3 yrs and a short separation for him to tell that.So this requires lot of patience.best of luck. Please do post how your job search went?best of luck. di bh replied. Hey dont be disappointed .Now its a sign to buckle up. First of all take charge and get a job.How much ever meagre it pays. get a job and dont ask your hubby for any attention. They only like to play hard when we ask for attention. Once we dont then they realize what they are missing and realize it. I know it is tuff but worth trying.I was in same position last year.I dont live with my in laws .but my in laws try their influence on my husband in little time they get with him on the telephone or by e-mail. They talk of 21st century but for Dils its 12th century and for daughter it is modern generation. SHe is one more evil woman. She is a good influence on my hubby.He stopped a lot of communication like before after marriage but some contact was there. She told the worst possible things about me.my husband got influenced. But early this year i was for short duration separated from my hubby and made him realize who was wrong and who was right. One simple thing when we were separated my sil and file tried as much as possible to convince him to go back to them in India. But my husband didnt budge and said he wont.Meanwhile here they were convincing me that my husband agreed and i shud pack my bags.But even i didnt budge. in the last phone call my SIL started screaming at my hubby on the phone and i snatched the phone and gave her a good angry talk she was surprised as i hadnt done this is 4 yrs of marriage.She in turn screamed at me so i told her i dont need her advice i know what to do. My husband didnt tell anything . By then he knew who said the right things for me. the point of telling this is Once we show them we are not scared or disturbed by their attitude to us they will also back off. You need to make yourself strong . get a job .as much as possible dont ask your husband for attention. i know it is hard not to . But it will be for a good in future.And as much as possible do not let your SIL involvement in your famiy.Even my husband is the same if his sister will say jump means he will do the same. But at the same time i have made him to listen to me too.It takes time and effort. try to find a job and after that u and husband have some outings like a dinner ,movie ,shopping and gift your something he likes say a shirt,perfume.After some time he will look forward to it.best of luck.