Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I was born and brought up in Canada but my parents made me have an arrranged marriage with a guy brought up in India. My inlaws want to settle with us because my hubby is the eldest son. My MIL and I just do not get along she never speaks to me in a normal tone always shouting down and gets exasperated if I do not react and there is hell broken lose if I do. Everyone knows that her coming to settle down with us will spell disaster yet no one wants to talk about it when I bring it and ask my husband or any other family members about it. Yesterday I told MIL point blank she cannot come here and change things to suit her because this was not her house but her sons and mine. MILS house in in India and she can do as she pleases there not here. She retorted saying this was her house too and she has every right to be here because it was her eldest sons house. I asked her this and I ask it of everyone reading this board Which court in the world gives any mother a right to go to her grown up sons house and tell his wife that the sons house is actually hers? When I talked of courts she shut up and threw a major hysterical tantrum and called all the relatives sobbing loudly about what I said. My hubby and FIL could give me no answers but forced me to comfort her to make her stop tantruming and beg her to eat. After all the tantrums subsided she calms down and tells me that come what may she will stay here because this is where she should be. My inlaws have other sons and daughters here
but they have brought up the eldest to beleive that he has to bear their burden. They have a great house in India and are very well off yet they want to live here. When daughters are married off Hindus do a bidaiie ceremony bidding her farewell and releiving her of her so called duty towards her birth family. There is no such ceremony for the son. Is'nt it high time we had one for a son? Why can't he be left alone to take care of his own family i.e his wife and kids? After all my MIL made sure that my FIL would only live with her and her kids and my FIL hardly ever had any connection with his own birth family even though he was the eldest son too! Why do these MILS do one thing for themselves and preach another thing to their sons? RA replied. I got married last year and ever since ive been living with my FIL,MIL and SIL (unmarried). Ever since the start, my MIL has shown an overwhelming possessiveness for her son, as if everything he does is for them, every move he takes is for them and should be for them as well. I never am/was in the picture in their eyes. All that was made in the house catered to their interests/tastes and anything I cooked was considered 'OK'.

Infact, hearing a praise from any of them was virtually imporssible. But even then, after a year things have changed since i made sure I just 'gave' everything i had to offer and bore the ridiculous house habits they followed.

But now, after a year, I have been left depressed without much time for my husband and me. We had a love marriage, and ever since marriage, we have been satisfying only others, rather than ourselves. We made sure we didnt go alone on dates, even thought twice about buying the grocery-essentials since we knew the question would be asked - \" why did u get this?' 'didnt you bargain? this costs too much', lets go in for the 'discounted' stuff and after that it was a daily 'bhajan' than bhashans that were heard by me.

I am now tired of all that. Heart of hearts I feel I should be a little selfish now. I WANT FREEDOM to do my own thing. Be it shopping for home, cooking what i think everyone will like, dating, looking young and spending time with my friends.
The problem is this; We are faced with a dilemma.
1. We stay in Delhi. The area where we stayed in earlier was ours but too far frm hubbys and my workplace, so we all moved to a rented place closer to office. So, if we move, we will now have to find another smaller flat so that ILs can return to that flat and we can shift as well.
But, the problem lies in th e fact that My SIL is unmarried and acc to my ILs they want us to stay with them till she gets married.
Plus, to make it worse, the place where she works is close to our workplaces. This means,she will face a tough time travelling that distance everyday as she will shift with my ILs.

My hubby and me ahve thgt this over & have realised that we cant help but move out. This is because there were days when i would just break down crying at night!

I completely extend my shoulders to all my sisters arnd the world who face a similar situation. Seriously, as someone pointed out, there must be a 'bidaai' of the son!!! Till when will this hegemonic IL domination continue?

Gosh! Please wish me luck!!! as i reaaaallly want liberation!!!
di bh replied. Hey what you said is very true.if only they can let go of their sons easily. Its not to be. There is no rule in the book that in laws shud stay with first son they bend and make rules as they want.You are a smart woman. you did the right thing by giving back to your MIL. when everything cools down you mention once again to your husband you need your own life and home. all in laws do the same while coming Oh we will do as you say help you with housework.But after coming we have to serve them 24/7.My MIL i dont have much interaction with her. So i dont know how she is. But my FIL-SIL combo deadly people. I listened to my FIL nonsense talk for 4 yrs and even my SIL. but early this year i gave them back .I didnt beat around the bush i said point blank i dont want to stay with them.I dont live with them. I stay in US.They are in India. when early this year we me and my husband were on the verge of separation my FIL started blaming me for everything.That was it.i told him i have heard enuf and i dont care for his opinion.He knew his son was at fault all along but still he thot he can scare me.even my SIL she lives with her MIL in India. she doesnt care for her mil and goes on holidays with her hubby and kids. her Mil will badmouth her everywhere but my SIL has got tons of lecture for me how to treat in laws and bring them here. So when she told the same on the phone i told her i was not interested in having them with me anytime hence i married my husband.And i told her to stop screaming this is my family i know how to run it. from then she has stopped giving her opinion and making my husband follow it with emotional blackmail.
you need to just buckle up now and try to convince your husband that your MIL shudnt move in with you.Imagine she is giving so much trouble before moving in. what you will face after ?best of luck. tanya replied. my MIL is even better..she married an orphan..lol...and then she moved my FIL to her the city where she grew up and where her parents lived. All FIL does is hangout with MIL's family cos he doesnt have his except for a brother who lives far away from MIL's city. And, MIL never interacts with FIL's family (his brother) and I did ask her when she was visiting us in the US. She was explaining how FIL was in Delhi and visited all her sisters and their kids etc and then i asked her if he visited his brother? She said that the brother visited in Delhi - a big lie ofcourse but my point was 2 let her know that I do understand her cunningness.
My SIL got married to a guy who just has an elder brother and she has no SIL to bother her. My SIL's MIL was dying of cancer when SIL got engaged and she did pass away within a year of her marriage. Her FIL didn't move in with my SIL in the US. Just visits and splits time betwen his sons. But, my inlaws want to move to the US and live in our house. I married my husband cos he is independant. I know that in India sons ususally inherit the house and that's why the joint family system. But,its the son and DIL who move into the house and not the other way around and this is why inlaws have more control over sons and DILs. But in the US, these b..... want to move in with us and interfere and behave as if it is their house first since its their son. MILs want to do nothing but have nakhras and throw tantrums. But when it was their time, they never lived with their inlaws and even made sure their daughters dont have any problems at all. And on top of this, they go around saying 'mein bahu ko beti banaugi'. sdfa replied. yep right, absolutely. it happens only in india. this drama takes place at my house every day. my mil always tells its her right to stay in her eldest sons house and i have no right to ask her not to stay. yes, my mil does not respect her mil and did not have her stay even for one day in her house, but expects me to have her in our house. its our goodness which compels them to behave so badly with us. She is just taking advantage. when my mil does not like us staying with her, she asks us to get out of the house, but when she wants to stay with us, we should forget all her past torture and live with her happily. she is worse than hitler.