Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi ,

I have a sweet talking mil,who plays games in the background and acts sweet in the front of her son and husband to create a good impression .She is an extremely dominating women ,who keeps her wishes in the front and goes to the extent of insulting her husband in public to get her way .Her husband is a mony minding good for nothing fellow ,who just follows what her wife says .So my hubby ,who is the only son ,grew up seeing this skrewd up relationship b/w his parents where one was dominating ,so when he married ,he was very afraid of getting a partner who will control him like his mother controls his father.So this affected our marriage from the day one as he had an attitude of not trusting me or doing anything in my interest as he was always afraid that I will dominate him .

Anyways ,we live in US for the last 4 yrs .I came here after marriage as my husband was here and becoz of the unstability in my marriage I decided to look for a job and found one at a very good place but that was in a different state .I joined there and what happened was my inlaws were dying to come to US ,so my husband,who is extremely loyal to his mother and is very afraid of her ,made me leave my job ,move back with him and made me set up a new apartment so that his parents can visit.He said ,these r one of his goals that his parents shd come to US AND he wants to fulfill them .Now as soon as I moved back ,my husband lost his job.His project was shaky for the last few months .So both of us were w/o any money to run the house and we told his parents to not come as he had to go to India for his visa stamp as i had found one low paying job .But my mil put pressure on him to call her and like a loyal son he called them and sat here illegally FOR 3 MONTHS so that his parents can enjoy US .They were sooo selfish ..
Anyways ,his mother played many games with me while she was here ,she even tried to snatch my baby away from me and then threw emotional tantrums all the time .My husband is just in her control and hits me when I say anything against her.I just hate her and have all the badduas for her .

Now they have left and even after 2 yrs ,our life is not on track.We are facing lots of jobs/visa problems in US and my baby is gettingneglected .All this becoz of his selfish parents bcoz of whom i had to leave a stable job and my husband risked his career .My husband is not able to get a job bcoz of the visa issues and we r just suffering .Now it looks like we might be going back to India ,and my problem is how to tackle his mother .

I have stopped speaking to her on the phone long time back ,has told my hubby that I will not stay in the same house as her and I don’t want her influence to come to my son.She behaves in a obsessive way with the baby and acts like she is his mother .I guess she is a senile person whom I want to get rid of .I am ready even for a divorce to get her out of my life as that wud give me lot of peace of mind .

She on the other hand tries to talk to me so that she can again start her games and I know avoinding her is the only way.
So friend please tell me how to tackle this female who has destroyed my life and career.

thanks
Priti replied. Wow. I hope your situation gets better. I know it is probably easier for me to say this, then for you to carry it out, but here's what I think may help.

1. Take your mind off the MIL. why should your child, you and your family suffer? Give all your attention to your baby. Ask for your husband to help more with the baby. It may bring nice giggles amongst the three of you as you two bathe the baby before bed.

2. Job, both for you and your husband. Low paying doesn't matter, just make sure you have one. and keep trying for better ones. If your husband doesn't have working visa, or can't get one, couln't he try for student that way atleast he'll be legal. Just a thought, not sure of all the leaglities. But, help him look too, offer him help , like if you can send out a few emails or whatever to show your support towards him.
3. don't lose your temper. not having a job for your husband, must be tough on him too, so just be supportive. Anger never solves anythiing, so now that it is just the 3 of your living under one roof -- think, it is just your family, everyone is healthy and together.
4. if you know that his parents are a topic that makes you two fight. just seal your lips when it comes to his parents. let it slide. don't utter a word about his parents. but if a decision he is making is not favorable for your family (the three of you), then say something along the lines of that and not about his parents. like the first time when they wanted to come after he lost his job, say, 'abhi job nai hai, theek sey sabko kaise rakh payenge. your parents yehan thode din ke liye aayege aur khushi seh bitane ki jagah, aur tension kade hoh jayenge. phele dono ka job theek hoh jaye, phir parents aaram seh aaye.' you get the idea, just focus on your issues at home and not his parents.
5. about going back to india. you may have no choice. but i would say you'd have the same problem over there. you both will have to look for a job, restart your lives, find a place to live, etc, all over again. you can lose a job over there too. all i am trying to say is, i would try to do everything i possibly can to tackle the challenge you have at the hand, before giving in. (i.e. the challenge being no job, stress at home with baby, fights with hubby, etc) before worry about going back to india and worry about mil.

finally, all i'd say is mil is mil. another person. although she had some possesion over your hubby, he has married you. so you just need to remind him of his responsibilities towards you and your baby, without asking him not to listen to his mother, let him decide that. just tell him what you and your baby needs of him and leave it up to him to figure out how he'll support you two.
all the best. hope this helps. i'll put in my prayers for you. although it is difficult at the moment, try to be happy for your baby.
di bh replied. hey i admire you for putting up with such MIL.hats off to you.
First thing you need to do is try as much as possible for a job here.you and your husband both. Most of them in such situations work on consulting firms . that way you have no need to worry about finding a permanent long standing job. that will maintain your status.
And inspite of this if u feel like going back to India set some terms with your hubby.Do not stay with your in laws. it always ends up with DILs getting hurt and worrying a lot.hey i am also all up for treating people good when they treat us good.My ILS are the nosiest people in the world i live in US. My husband was laid off in 5 months of me joining him here after marriage.my in laws started their nag then and in 8 months i was fed up and made excuses when they kept asking me for info.His sis is nosy and jealous female she feels she shud be US and i shud be in India. not that it is bad but when i go to India she acts as though she is in US and i am in India. She talks about US as though she has been here forever and she hasnt visited US once.The point from mentioning this is if we leave room for them to intervene and make decisions for us they will never stop and this is our lives . We shud live for ourself. you have a kid too. you must have lots of dreams about how to raise him .and hey as a parent you can do it if u can have only your influence. involving ILS in bringing up kids most of times will be disastrous and a pain for you.
You are a smart intelligent woman set terms now with your husband .he may not agree at first. but convince him.and hey dont let your MIL be possessive about your son too much .then there begins the 1st adjustment. becoz your kid adores his grandma u will be stuck with your mil and lo and behold your mil has access to you 24/7 .Then will start series of tensions.If your MIL was good then u wudnt have to think about other options.but not so .So take charge try to be here as much as possible keep going back last resort. Find some friends who work for consulting groups and get info. Best of luck. Post back about what are developments.