Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I really have a unique problem. I just have FIL. He is alone in India. My husband wants him to come here eventually - after we get our citizenship (in 4 yrs). My FIL is 68 years old. Right now he is managing on his own but in a few years he will not be able to do so. He gives us subtle hints to call him here. He has visited here - but gets bored & behaves in a weird way . He loves his son more than anything - he remained glued to him all the time he was here. It was a very bad experience for me. He likes to get involved in all the minor things we do which is very frustrating. He would want us to take him every where we go otherwise he would throw tantrums. He is very selfish by nature & loves just his son in life. He cries very badly when we come back from our India trip & spoils everything for us. Obviously my husband is also very attached to him. I am just scared to death at the thought of having him here permanently. I don't want to be cruel but I don't think I can ever deal with my FIL. I am very tensed at the thought of having him here & allowing him to reap the fruits of my hard work at the cost of my happiness. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?? nb2004 replied. I think you and husband should decide where to take your FIL and where not too. Its natural tht he will pile on your initially since he has no friend circle here. But maybe later he might bore of your young parties.
See just let him stay in your house. Note it in your mind tht he is an old cranky man staying in your house. Dont expect anything nice. If he is then its your good times.
My MIL would love to come and stay with us and i am thinking how it would be.
I gather that you are working so you can definetely divert your mind and in due course ignore what he has to say. Belive me dear we girls are strong and get conditioned very well in hardly a few days.
Let the lonely soul in your house. Think of it as charity. And one more thing. You dont be the bad one. If FIL is treating you bad your husband will see whats going on very soon.
You know this In laws dealing is all like playing a game. I feel bad saying that but its true. You have to be very careful what you say and do.
Sary replied. Hi, Just came to see if anyone had replied to my message and read yours.Although I can understand that he has no body and he should live with his son and yourself, you say he bahaves stangely everytime he visits. It could be that he too is not comfortable in a foreign country. Elderly people are used to living where they ahve their whole life- I know from experince with my grandfather that he would be very unhappy to come here. Is there someone back home he would feel comfortable living with? He could come in the summer for a few months to live at your place. Have you considered that option? You would not be refusing him- he may actually be happier in his own town. qweqwq replied. I read abt ur problem and everbody elses replies. I agree with what they say.

But on second thoughts i think u have not explained ur problem well & as such may be we all are misunderstading u. Has ur fil troubled u in the past/continues to trouble u? If thats the case let us know abt ur problem so that we understand u better. There is always going to be some amout of friction b/w the in-laws. Old people will behave in a wierd way when they visit a different country where they r totally dependent on others and don't have much to do. If thats the only case I would say just ignore it and treat him like ur own father.

If he has never treated you well and continues to do so even now ur thought of him spoiling ur happiness is valid. But if he comes to ur plalce after a few years when he is old and can't take care of himself, he will also not have the strength to trouble u, so don't worry
S replied. Mohna I can understand your position, but sometimes we have to do certain things as a duty. My husband has a elder brother who wouldn't have my inlaws even for a month at length and doesn't contribute anything for their welfare. Sometimes I feel why should I have to put up with all this? But tell me where does this haggling leave my old inlaws. Since I cannot convince my concience to do this, we take care of my inlaws single handedly. Listen to your concience and for a minute from your fil's view before making a decision. Archie replied. Hi Mohna,
This may come as a surprise to you but I must say I agree with what \";S\"; said in response to your message.

Your husband is product/fruit of your FIL's lifetime work. He would love to enjoy and accompanied with. The fact that you don't have MIL will make your FIL more lonely. If your husband is only child then it's your husbands full responsibility to support your FIL, that's our Indian Culture. Unlike in Western culture no one is secure, neither parents nor childrens.

About your FIL being persistant going out with you two, your husband can definitely make him see reason and you two can enjoy your privacy. God Forbid, but just imagine you were only child to your parent and your father/ or mother was single parent. It's hard to imagine leaving world without our loved ones.

Treat him as your father and you will see that sometime you can also tell your FIL if something is wrong and he will understand you as he would have his daughter.

I have only MIL and she is one of the very good MIL. Not that she listens to what I say, but we always discuss and household decisions are made without involving my husband. This way my husband gets no tension from two of us and I think he deserves it. I am sure time to time we both make compromises but those are worth when we see happiness in the family.

Cheers
Archie S replied. I think we are being a wee bit too selfish here aren't we? Aren't you too reaping the harvest of his hardwork(his son)? Just think of the scenario being old and lonely and all the problems that go with it and your dear ones far away when you are in your last years. My inlaws stay with me 6 months a year and not that I have a great time with them but when they tell me that the thought of dying alone in a empty house is their most dreadful nightmare, I fully understand their feelings. Dont we undergo a total upheavel of our lives and lifestyles when we have children? Then why are you against a little adjustment for your fil when he needs it so badly? Believe me you are getting a wonderful oppurtunity to make a difference in the life of an old,lonely man don't blow it.