Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi all,
My MIL is dominating. She interferes in anything & everything we do. My family(my hubby,kids & I)live in US right now. My MIL gets on my nerve even when we visit her for few days once in a year. She involves in everything that my hubby wears starting from him wearing underwear to which & how many pillows he uses b4 going to bed with me. She turned our house upside down when she visited our house in US. She wants everything her way. She even interferes in how I take care of kids, how I feed my kids( My kid almost stopped eating veggies while we were there). She is the most miserly person u can find on this planet. She even advises me abt how to stir the curry whether clockwise or anti clockwise. She makes an impression that she worked all day in front of my hubby & everyone else. She gives me burnt snacks,leftover rice & does everything that irritates me. She yells at me if I don't listen to her. Once when we had an argument, my hubby supported his mom.
Now, my DH wants to move back to India for good next year & I already started getting nightmares. He says its his duty as a son to look after his parents. I have 2 girls & when I ask him who will look after us when we r old since acc to them, parents shouldn't stay with daughters once they r married, he says its out fate to be alone. I can't stand her even for an hour let alone spending eternity with her. She actually acts more like a jealous lover than like a loving mother. Is there any remedy for this?I feel so sick when I think of her.I get these cringes in my stomach when I even think of her.FIL is a nice person.& SILs sometimes take their mom's side by saying indirect remarks on me. This is my story.Pls advise.
Jyoti replied. Hi Priya,

My in-laws come and stay with us in US for 6-months at a time (not a day less!). First, I used to let her do whatever she wanted, thinking it'll make her happy and we'll be happy family. Then after she left I realized how she talked behind my talked and truned everything agaist me. Like if she wanted to cook, i'd let her, and then she complained how i didn't make time to take care of the house and cook, and don't fully do my duty as a home-maker. so now, I don't take any help from her. Even if she wants to cook, I say, why don't you rest, just tell me what you want and how you want it and I'll do it for you. So now she complains, how I never let her touch anything. But I choose to live with than than letting her do whatever she please, let her turn my house upside down and then still complain. Atleast, the second way, i have things the way I want. You will never stop her complaining.

So I think if you have to live with her, here are a few ideas.

1. Talk with your husband. Tell him, you'll support him in doing his duty as a son. But you too have a duty towards your daughters and you won't get time back with them. So you are their mother and want to do what you think is best for them. So now that you'll live with his parents, you need his help in drawing some lines. She raised her children as she wanted. You can listen to her, but at the end it is your decision as to how you raise them. What you feed them, etc. So you don't want any arguments or fights with your hubby and your mil if you opt for something different than what she suggested. He'll need to step in and support you in making decisions for your family (you, daughters and hubby).

2. You (your family) needs to have privacy. And your husband needs to make that point to his parents. Tell him that he's responsible for conveying the message to his parents. HOw would he feel if your parents came and looked through his personal finances, closets, etc. Similary, you do not feel comfortable sharing everything with his parents. You don't want to have to explain each and every little details. for two familes to co-exist, their has to be common time and personal time. His parents have their and you two have your way to live your life. if you follow everything they say, then you do not have a way of your own, which is not right. that is not how one is to live their life. If your daughter comes up to you and asks you, mom why can't be do xyz on saturday, you dont' want to say, because grandma didn't want us to. you need to have your own reason.

3. if she does things that irritate you, just let it be. if she is yelling at you, let her. you keep your cool, do your duty towards them, and do what you think is right for yourself and your family without feeling bad. just smile at things that bother you, don't respond, it will help you keep your cool and you won't be hurting anyone's feeling by saying something hurtful.everyone now and then, just make your point, at the right time and place.

4. More importantly, keep your communication open with your husband. show him how thing that his mother does is hurting you. overtime hopefully, he'll mature and support you.

Best of luck.

Jyoti