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Role of in-laws:communication with in-laws

2006-09-22

Name: Nisha hello everyone,

I need help with things I can talk about with my in-laws. Due to my fear and uneasyness with them, I cannot be myself and talk openly. Which leads to me saying minimal to hardly nothing to them. This leaves a huge gap between us, uncomfortable silence, misunderstanding. I just want to make sure that they can feel comfortable saying things to me and that I can make simple converstaions with them, so that there isn't uncomfortable silence between us.

The lack of communication is causing problem, where my mil will start yelling at me for nothing, fil will think I said something with an attitude when all i ask is what did you have for lunch?

My husband doesn't say much, but his parents make him feel like your wife is not treating us well and we are not comfortable in your home. This is all because I am unable to have good converstaions with them. Because house-work wise and taking them places and getting them stuff, I take care of it all and there are no issues there. but this communication is what is causing trouble.

Please help me. I just want a happy, peaceful family. All things I do to make them happy queitly is of no meaning to them since I do not talk. Please help me.

Anxiously waiting for responses.

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2006-09-26

Name: Seema
Subject:

Hi..

Hi ,
Yours looks like a difficult situation :) but I think you are doing absolutely right ! For everything you talk if she tries to make personal comments and start an argument with you .. Just walk away !
You cannot arugue with idiots .. So when things gets personal ... walk away and when she complains ..once or twice try explaining her how she makes everything personal .. If she gets into one more drama ..Ignore her !
Why boil your blood and spoil ur relation with ur husband ?
Be good to him !! things will sort on their own !!!

Best wishes ...
Seema

2006-09-24

Name: Seema
Subject:

hi...

Hi,
I too was in a same boat sometime back. As during the intial years of marriage my relationship with them was not good I was turned off with them . I had nothing to talk .. or nothing to hear. But then I decided whatever said and done they are his parents ! I didnt want them to curse me or shed tears by my name ... so changed my attitude !
I think the first problem is what to speak . We donot want to bring up any topic which will result in any rude remarks or arguments .. So pick up safe topics
1) Discuss the weather .. how hot it is .. how cold it is etc etc ..
2) Talk abt some function u attended ..or party u attended and describe the whole thing !
3) If u have kid .. talk abt his school
4) talk abt some relative (who is not close to u or her)
5) When she is talking .. Nod ur head in all directions as if u are most interested in her topic and pick up some topic from there and continue.
6) Discuss some news Item (Prince who fell in to a pit or some political stuff ) . hope u hear news !!
Hope this was of some help !

Thanks,
Seema

2006-09-25

Name: Nisha
Subject:

thanks

Hi Seema,

Your suggestions are helpful.I'll try to use them as guidelines to bring up topic. For me, these suggestions work for the fil. we can talk about news and stuff like that. My mil on the other had, turns everything personal. there was some show on tv where a child was born with extremly deformed face and they were showing procedures docs were doing over time to fix it. instead of talking about what they are doing and the technology they were using...she started lecturing me on how I'm careless and when i am pregnant i should do this, this....otherwise i would end up with a child like that one. How can i continue that talk, i just told her, everyone is careful during those time, but you can't control genetic mutation and that's what happened with the child. and i walked away. otherwise she'd pick anotehr topic.
then the other day, she came by wanting to start a converstaion, she said, in new today, i said, 'yes, what happened'. she said 'a mil killed a dil, becase the dil did not make the mil eggs like she wanted'. this is the day, when she had just asked me a little while ago to make eggs. How am i suppose to talk about that. I just said, 'there are some crazy people in this world'
this is the reason i am so scared to talk to her, because she turns everything around pointing to me. she can rarely keep anything on the topic that it is, always comes back with something to hit me.
have you or anyone else had such a exprience?

2006-09-24

Name: Seema
Subject:

hi...

2006-09-22

Name: Nisha
Subject:

theh silence is killing me though

I am a little more stable because of the distance i keep. but then the silence and no talking eats me up inside. Every time I try to interact with them a fight begins. So I am just wonder there must be harmless things that I can talk to them about. Every time I open my mouth they make the converstaion personal to me. I just want neutral things to talk about. I need help. Otherwise, they keep pointing fingers at me for not talking. Please help. I can't sleep at night thinking about these things and it is talking a toll on me. I just want them to pick on this issue so much that my husband gets sick of listening to it and we both start getting irritated about this. I don't want him or I to lose temper about this. Please help.

2006-09-22

Name: nisha
Subject:

exactly

Hi Diya,

What you said is exactly what is happening. about watching tv together, I don't get much chance to do that. because by the time i am done with cooking and cleaning it's 11:00 and they are in bed by then. if i sit and watch tv then i fall behind on house chores and then the fingerpointing of how i don't take care of things begins.
I tried to cook with her this one recipe and she started picking with me on the bartan i was cooking with and how i was making a mess and she never does. and when i try to be careful in what i say, i end up not saying much. It is just so difficult and tricky. i asked them to come up with things to cook and they'll say, do whatever you want. i need to get creative and i just feel so dumb...i feel so helpless.

2006-09-22

Name: Diya
Subject:

need to talk

Hi Nisha ,

I understand how u feel. I went through this too..I stay away from my inlaws and we meet them only on vacations. My inlaws visited us first time in U.S and I wanted to keep them comfortable for that month. I talk a lot usually but with them i didnt know what to speak . Like with my FIL i couldnt talk much except ask him to come to lunch or somethings like this . My MIL is very talkative and modern..i used to listen to all stories she said but i normally used to nod ,smile or say less in reply.
So they feel that we dont like them . I used to sit more time on my computer in my room and hardly be out...that was my nature..not that i meant anything..but all this accumulated and one day when i said something in general they exaggerated and told my husband that " she behaves badly with us ..and i considered them beggars,servants etc..when i never did it...but my be my attitude of being uncomfortable and not my self caused it.
I would advice you to never listen to any abuse and clarify matter there it self ...but if they are good to u and its just the communication..try talking general things like about movies or tv serials u both watch together or what to cook..and how did u make that recipe etc..just go with the flow ..when they talk ..u also talk..but be careful what u say.

2006-09-22

Name: anonymous
Subject:

troublemakers

Hi
Your inlaws seem like trouble makers..
Do not give them too much importance.

2006-09-22

Name: rashmi
Subject:

less is better

hi Nisha,
Like i said, the less, the better.
Maintain this healthy distance. I was also like u when i was newly married. Now, iam brave & stronger. The more u talk, the more faults they find in u. Trust me, they r unworthy of sympathy.
rgds

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