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Role of in-laws:Suggestions Please

2006-08-29

Name: EO Hi,

I will be visiting India soon..it happens everytime that when I go there ILs keep asking me to stay with them...in a very rude way, like people come to meet me and I mm always at my mom's etc. ..2 yrs back I stayed with them evenly and they kept bad mouthing to my husband. Now I am going after 2 yrs with my son and now they will make him as an excuse. I do not want to stay with them even for a single day/hour. What can I do?

Secondly, when MIL visited us she didnt bring me anything, although my Bday was around, but she expects me to buy her many things..I dont want to as she always say that its not enough and I should have bought for her sister & brothers also, who never called us in past 7 yrs. not even when my son was born. My FIL has said that he likes perfume so whenever me or hubby visit we should buy 1 Polo for him..aand some cigarettes & alochol always. Obviously he is typical...and so you know 3-4 boxes of choclates are must...now I dont want to take a nickle for them, what should be my strategy? Please help.

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Hi,

I will be visiting India soon..it happens everytime that when I go there ILs keep asking me to stay with them...in a very rude way, like people come to meet me and I mm always at my mom's etc. ..2 yrs back I stayed with them evenly and they kept bad mouthing to my husband. Now I am going after 2 yrs with my son and now they will make him as an excuse. I do not want to stay with them even for a single day/hour. What can I do?

Secondly, when MIL visited us she didnt bring me anything, although my Bday was around, but she expects me to buy her many things..I dont want to as she always say that its not enough and I should have bought for her sister & brothers also, who never called us in past 7 yrs. not even when my son was born. My FIL has said that he likes perfume so whenever me or hubby visit we should buy 1 Polo for him..aand some cigarettes & alochol always. Obviously he is typical...and so you know 3-4 boxes of choclates are must...now I dont want to take a nickle for them, what should be my strategy? Please help. Preeti replied. About staying at the in-laws place...go for just a day or so...and if they say anything then tell them before hand only that \";mummy ye mera vacation hai..and I want to meet my parents and friends coz I havent seen any of them for so long...jisko milna hai wo us ek din mein akar mil le mere se\";...if she says anything rude after that, just stare at her and then look away....and DO NOT change your stance...your hubby can stay at their place and you can stay at yr parents place...I think in-laws need to get over the idea that they own their bahus body and soul...

About the gift giving part - think of it this way, sabka kiya unke saath rehta hai...if I were you, I would take some gifts..but only for the in-laws (if you don't want to spend a lot, buy something small and nice..even a small gift basket of $10 from walmart can look pretty)..about the father in law - I don't know, if you can afford it, then buy his polo, coz after all he is yr hubby's dad...if you can't afford it, then buy something for less..and if he asks then tell him that polo is very expensive and you can't afford it even for your hubby...

However, not for the extended family...just say that you can't afford for anybody else and that anyways, they have never remembered you or given you anything in the last 7 yrs...they shouldnt feel bad if this time you dont get them anything...

The thing is you can't totally cut them off however abnoxious they might be...so let them know how much you can do, and then stick to your guns...

Hope this helps...
Sr replied. Hi

I think best thing here is be honest and tell them last time you badmouthed me to my husband so I do not wish to stay with you.... I will be more comfortable at my parents house.

And Say budget was abit tight this year so you could not afford all the things they wanted and maybe next visit.

2006-08-29

Name: Preeti
Subject:

Re:

About staying at the in-laws place...go for just a day or so...and if they say anything then tell them before hand only that \";mummy ye mera vacation hai..and I want to meet my parents and friends coz I havent seen any of them for so long...jisko milna hai wo us ek din mein akar mil le mere se\";...if she says anything rude after that, just stare at her and then look away....and DO NOT change your stance...your hubby can stay at their place and you can stay at yr parents place...I think in-laws need to get over the idea that they own their bahus body and soul...

About the gift giving part - think of it this way, sabka kiya unke saath rehta hai...if I were you, I would take some gifts..but only for the in-laws (if you don't want to spend a lot, buy something small and nice..even a small gift basket of $10 from walmart can look pretty)..about the father in law - I don't know, if you can afford it, then buy his polo, coz after all he is yr hubby's dad...if you can't afford it, then buy something for less..and if he asks then tell him that polo is very expensive and you can't afford it even for your hubby...

However, not for the extended family...just say that you can't afford for anybody else and that anyways, they have never remembered you or given you anything in the last 7 yrs...they shouldnt feel bad if this time you dont get them anything...

The thing is you can't totally cut them off however abnoxious they might be...so let them know how much you can do, and then stick to your guns...

Hope this helps...

2006-09-01

Name: EO
Subject:

Hey Preeti

Hi Preeti,

I feel you are completly understanding my situation. My MIL thinks in India branded stuff is all fake, even at malla, as you know perfumes are cheaper there, so she says they are not genuine. Additionally, they say ki we are sitting over a lot money and not giving them anything much, now they want to change their car and buy a new one..that 3 year old car is very old for them. My BIL says you are kanjus, as you dont give the amount we ask for, and that he also knows how much we have.

My husband ignores whatever they say, just listen to them scolding and never answers back.

When my son was born they just called once and for 3 months they didnt even knew his name.. and not to mention they havent given ANYTHING to us, only 2 shirts to my hubby when MIL visited.

My husband dont says anything and dont likes to talk about all this much, he gets irritated, and asks me not to be so fussy.

2006-08-31

Name: Preeti
Subject:

Re:

Hey!

If you've helped them in buying a car or property for them already, and they still keep asking for more and more...then its time to put the foot down...

Ask your hubby to tell them clearly that you cannot afford it and that its time to save for yourself too...I think they are just taking advantage of your good nature...Tell your MIL that you can't afford branded stuff...and that's that...if she wants it so much then they can buy it in India itself (so many brands are available there now)..but be blunt that you can't afford to buy expensive stuff for them any more...

If thry scold you, tell them that you are saving to buy a house or for your retirement...if they say that you can always earn later, then say that "yehi kehte kehte to itne saal ho gaye..shuruat kahin se to karni hogi..aur kal ko zaroorat padi (medical ya any other emergency) then you do need a nest egg...to tide you over that...kharch karne ka to koi ant nahi hai...we need to start saving"...

2006-08-31

Name: EO
Subject:

Hi Preeti,

Thanks, you are right. Its just that they always want more and thye even scold us (me & hubby) for not giving enough. There have been times when we have emptied our accounts to them, when they had to buy a car or property which by the way is on BILs name. FIL thinks we can earn more and make for ourselves. Yes we cant afford big bottle of POLO, liquors & ciggies everytime. We also have to pay for tickets..isnt it? It just makes trip to India costlier than any other vacation. And Oh! by the way my MIL knows about $10 stuff and all...she wants everything branded!!

2006-08-29

Name: Sr
Subject:

Be honest and straight

Hi

I think best thing here is be honest and tell them last time you badmouthed me to my husband so I do not wish to stay with you.... I will be more comfortable at my parents house.

And Say budget was abit tight this year so you could not afford all the things they wanted and maybe next visit.

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