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Role of in-laws:Should I invite FIL to US?

2006-08-04

Name: Ruby Friends,

I have a qusetion. Should I invite my FIL to the US again to help me and my husband with raising the kids and some housework? He would like to come back to become a citizen...

Only issue with me is that FIL stayed with us the last time for 4 years and worked every night (3rd shift, when we were all sleeping) and earned ALL money for his other son - DIL in India, who are doing nothing there...enjoying life. I even built a second floor in the house there...and the other son and other DIL just moved in. FIL, when he stays with us in the US, does not contribute $$$ to our household expenses, only for his son in India. But he is very good with my kids - feeds them, helps them with homework, helps with all requested/required housework, teaches them Gujarati. He has asked if we need any help $$$, but my husband says that we are well off...earn for your retirement, brother in India, not us...

I am a bit jealous and upset as my BIL and co-sister in India are enjoying life/money from here w/o working at all, and I have been working for the past 15 years!!

Please advise as to whether I should call him to the US or not...

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2006-08-09

Name: Ruby
Subject:

Cosister enjoys life while I am a MULE!!

Null Null,

How would you like it if you spent $20K and built a second floor to the house for you when you visit India and to help the in-laws, and this cheap co-sister, just plops right there...and her relatives just stay there now in this big house...and her and the BIL don't even call my kids on their birthdays, yet the MIL expects my husband to call his brother on his birthday...GOOD LUCK with that!!

MIL says that when her son comes here, that we should all stay together as one big family...why?? I worked hard and earned money and built the house in US with MY money...why should they just get a silver spoon in their mouth and not struggle/suffer like the rest of us?? And I noticed that if you keep someone in your house, they only bad mouth you later that you used to treat them like so and so...and never appreciate that you gave them a place to stay for free, like MIL did...

Everything should be just handed to them without any effort on their part according to MIL...they obviously just took over and will get the house in India...

Co-sister has yet to work a day in her life....just enjoys other people's stuff....and yet the MIL thinks highly of her...and thinks ill and bad of me, while she became rich and came to the US because of me.

That's why God didn't give her favorite DIL a kid right away...DIL finally had a kid after 9 years. Because MIL was being so partial, biased, and unappreciative in her treatment of me...

MIL stayed in MY house for 7 of the last 8 years...and then I have to listen to her crap about this and how we should help her son...yeah, right...
I am NOT going to help him at ALL anymore...his father is earning for him only now. And he is living in the house in INDIA for free...

2006-08-09

Name: NULLNULLNULL
Subject:

doesn't ur bil hv a job or is he also doing " business"??

2006-08-09

Name: NULLNULLNULL
Subject:

one more thing

one more thing ruby. when ur mil suggests that when ur bil comes 2 us, u all shd stay together, u tell her that its better they live separately. generally people who live in India hv a notion that people who live abroad r very rich & hv a comfy living. when they live on their own then only they will realise how hard things are. take ur hubby's support if u can & now itself make clear that they can't stay with u. initially there will be resistance & they may talk rubbish abt u. already u r in their bad books inspite of doing so many good things for them. now u can be "truly bad". will not make any diference. sometimes distance will hv +ve effect on relationship, which was in our case. if u don't do it now,once they come to ur house,there will be nothing u can do abt it. maybe u will hv to shell down some more money to set up a house for them.but thats worth it for ur peace of mind. tell ur hubby that u will not pay them any more. he can pay instead. once money goes from ones own pocket they will feel the pinch of it( by ur comments i take it that its u & not ur hubby who is paying up). also once when money flow stops, ur bil will realise the value of hard earned money & they will all be nice to you. pls save money for urs & kids' future. & take heart, God is there. they may never come to US at all. i don't know the visa gc scenario out there, but they can be denied visa or immigration or whatever it takes to get them there. so cheer up lady. no one has seen whats in store for future.

2006-08-09

Name: NULLNULLNULLNULL
Subject:

be cool

ruby ruby ruby,, don't we all face the same scenario? be it ur hard earned money or ur hubby's. we can't order someone to love us. we hv to just accept the situation & live our own lives. i understand in ur case ur mil is with u which makes the situation 100 times more worse. my hubby had to quit his job in india & take up a job abroad coz he had to help his bro pay up the huge amt of loan he had incurred in business. ya, we had to give up the money which we had saved for our ivf treatment. inspite of this loan he had one more child. imagine how we wld hv felt. & yes inspite of all that my mil used to waste money on buying silly gifts to my nephew & niece. note that i love my nephew & niece to death. they r wonderful kids. luckily for us atleast my co sis wld understand our feelings & when she pointed out to mil, it caused to major rift b/w them which still is not bridged. luckily for all of us things turned out well & we hv a wonderful son. we got my bil to our place & he secured a good job & he is living a good life with his family, my co sis has to work, though she is a born housewife. even to this day my fil & mil waste money my hubby sends. we hv just given up. ruby, they r 75 & 70. at this age we cannot change them. imagine when we at this agefind it difficult to change our attitude, how can they? atleast we hv the satisfaction that at this age they r happy. & ya inspite of all my hubby has done her fav is still my bil as he is 1st born. atleast they r nice to us & love my son also. i know there are few impossible people & impossible situations.where we can't find a solution better leave that matter & get on with our life. just think that u hv helped someone needy as u wld do in a charity. my policy in life is not to expect anything from anyone, not even a thanks....makes my life easier to live. good luck to u ruby.

2006-08-08

Name: Ruby
Subject:

Visa Status Website

Rani,

My MIL stayed with me for 6 years to become US citizen...she claimed she was helping me to raise kids, etc...but didn't teach them anything or feed them at all...in that sense, my FIL would teach them and feed them...but my MIL had no feelings for my kids at all!!

She would just brag about the childless DIL married for over 9 years living in India who is a 12th grade graduate..whereas I am a post graduate earning as much as her son.

I just checked...right now the visa bulletin on your husband's file is for application date of January 1, 1995. Parents applying for Married Kids is at September 8, 1998.

You can check yourself anytime at:

http://travel.state.gov/visa/frvi/bulletin/bulletin_2978.html

What r your thoughts?? Should I invite my FIL??

2006-08-08

Name: NULLNULLNULL
Subject:

out of context

rani, i am speaking here totally out of this subject. don't ever look down upon someone who is childless. maybe ur mil feels sorry for her & hence talks more abt her. education has nothing to do with gaining love or affection. i was also childless for 12 yrs & by God's grace I have a son. I know how it feels to be childless. so don't be jealous of ur co sis. its outright meanness.

2006-08-08

Name: rani
Subject:

For Ruby

Hi Ruby,

My thought is no no no no don't invite your FIL. They only care for them self. My MIL and FIL are just in us for that reason is they want all their family to be here and I and my husband should give all the support when they come here. do you know how many years does it take for their files like 10-12 years.
Good luck.

2006-08-07

Name: rani
Subject:

help me please

Hi ruby,

I also have problems with my mil and fil they only care for their other kids.
They are here on Green card base. So they only care about getting citizen and then applying for their son and daughter (both are married with kids.) they don't care even my husband apply for his brother and sister. Can you please help me I want to know how many years does it take for my brother in law and sister in law to come to us with my husbands file and when my mil and fil are us citizen to file for their son..

Thank you for your help.

2006-08-04

Name: Silver
Subject:

Be positive dear!

Hi Ruby,
As u said, he is really loving and caring FIL to u and ur kids...
Let him come and n'joy here with ur kids.
Yes,He's really nice that he is not just selfish generally many men turn to be in his age . He is earning and giving them ,it shdn't be ur problem. Let him help them . It shows his good intensions for asking you if u need any money. Ur hubby is good enough to say 'NO' to his oldd father.

So Dear, just take ur bil and cosister out of your thoughts and dont be envious. Think this way...None can c other's problems exactly .You dont know what problems they r having or y this old man is giving them money. So just ignore other things and let ur FIL create special bond with ur kids too.

I can c .. u really respect ur FIL and its appreciable. Dont let other things drive you negative towards him.

Take care, And invite him ur place. It's juts upto him giving them money.So, you can be peaceful.

I'm telling u this with self experience. My Inlaws help my SIl (She is too well earning) and her family out of their capacity and give lakhs of rupees for them in building home and kids FDs etc...where as never buy and send a single dress for my baby... but I never feel bad because ,Anyway it's their own earned money and they have right over it irrespective of SON's(my hubby) rights over their money.And Also,I know when they give everything from their earnings , soon they r going to be in scarcity and we have to help them out...But ok, I'm ready for it because our society demands son to be taking care of his parents(no matter they did never give even a penny when they had money)..

Thatsy I feel it's ok and we cant change flow of money goes other side but we can be positive ourselves that god has given us money well and we shdn't feel jealous over someone just becAuse the Other end ones(either Ur BIL or My SIL) sitting idle and n'joying dad's hardearned money .infact they r in pitiable position for being dependable on old man.So dont feel jealous, dear.
We shd just feel lucky we r not in that position.

Take care, Ruby!All the best.

2006-08-07

#10

Name: silver
Subject:

thanks!

thanks savita,
thanks for wishing me so.Let me hope for the same...

2006-08-05

#11

Name: savitha
Subject:

great

silver, u shd call yourself a priceless precious gem. God bless you & your kind. Do good to others & " defenitely" good things will befall upon you :)))

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