Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi all,
I have seen many messgaes in this board related to in laws problems and even faced the same in my life. I have lived in a big joint family since my childhood and luckily got married to the one also.
Here are my tips for all DILs to survive in a joint family.
Every woman above the age of 50 start gaining a possesive nature. This is true with almost all, even to our mothers. In case of our mother we didn't notice that since it was taken as an affectionate behaviour. Even you and me when become 50 would start becoming possesive (I know it would sound diffcult now but u would remember me when u r 50). The possesiveness of MILs is always for their son. The moment a MIL realize that her son is not hers( just her illusion, i know) she would start behaving abnormal and there is a feeling of anger in her which would definitely comes out on poor DIL(who else??).
The way to handle this is to keep her realizing that her precious son is hers and will always be her son.
How to do that, first and very important rule occasionally or oftenly keep refering your husband as her son in front of your MIL. Like if he is coming late form the office and you are with your MIL, tell her that mom can you call and please find out when your son is coming home. If you stay away than on phone conversation say things like mom your son is coming very late these days , or your son is planning to buy something, etc etc. This rule works wonder and she would feel very great.

Second tip, always make you MIL realize that she is still wanted and has a irreplaceble place in your life. If you stay together give some small and important task to her and don't interfere. For example if u have kids give her the responsibility to take the kid out in the evening. You can ask your FIL to accompany her. Now never interfer where she takes your kid, what she feeds her there . Also if for some day she can't go out tell her that the kid is feeling so bad, i think he is missing his trips with dadi.You can think about some other tasks like cooking on sundays, taking care of daily vegetables and grocery, pick and drop of kids to school.

If you stay away you can still leave some responsibilities for her like filling of LIC or any other deposits. Filing of IT ( if applicable). Giving gifts to your IL's side as well as your side. Now this may sound crazy but its true, if suppose you have a function in your family and your IL's are invited. Call her and tell her that she must visit and give some presents to your nephew from your side. But remember do the same for your IL's side also. If your BIL's kid is having a birthday you can call your MIL and tell her that mom please buy a gift from my side also. You can crib about staying so far and can't send things for some reason. I have personally seen my MIL chossing good gifts ( for both sides) in such cases as she is the one who is delivering and this should match her reputation.

Lastly, never take any personal comments and never listen anything about your parents or your upbringing. If you feel any talk leading to an argument just cut it there. Walk out of the conversation right away. All the arguments often lead to bad-mouthing about your parents and this can't be done.
If you have a good relationship with you IL's and only point of tension is your visit to your parents place than handle it tactfully. Invite your parents to your home instead of u visiting there. Your IL's would never behave badly or won't start an argument in their house. If you have a small brother or sister (or nephew/niece) call them at your house to stay. You would notice that your ILs are giving them good treatment.

Well I must stop now , its a long mail but hope this would help you people.
Regards,
Aqua intelligent replied. hii aqua
u keep ur foolish suggestions with u... all ur suggestions r to be thrown out of the window...y m isaying like that
firstly all mil think that all dil are saitans who wll tk their hubby away from them..exceptions are thre but rarely...
secondly u say give her some responsibilites she wil say all the work she ask me to do... mil will think that the dil is sweet just becoz she wants her work done...
thirdly if mil is asked to buy gift to a relative of the dil side she will say i m asked coz the dil doesnt awant to spend money and god knows what all she wants to give to her bakground
fourthly dont hear comments abt ur parents..and call them home instead of going... ILs dont care whr they r no matter what they know only how to put the gals family down my friend
all u have said nothing works
it worked for u so u are one in a million i must say
tk care bye
HP replied. Hi All,

After reading all i wd like to share my views/ experience in similar situations...

First of all there is no doubt that if your man is sensible enough and knows where to draw a line for his mom to not to interfere in husband -wife relationship... than there is nothing like that in this world....

All these tips told by Aqua doesn't work all the time as these MIL neither wants to do any work nor like there DIL do take control of the things.... They want there DIL to be a puppet of her hands so that DIL do the work as per there instruction and they take all the credit.....

My suggestion is don't do any chumcha-giri.... this don't help AT ALL.... All MIL can't see us(DIL) happy with our husband...they feel jealous and insecure
In my case my MIL even has a objection as why I m sitting on a front site with my husband in a car.....

I got married only 2 years back but i have seen a hell at my inlaws place... whole day my MIL shouts like a literate woman and if i complain it to my husband he says its her nature and it will not change.... you have to change yourself....
YOU HAVE TO ADJUST!!
But i ask why... why we hv to change our self... when she cannt change her one habit of nagging or shouting why these husbands wants us to change our nature to adjust in their house...

I decided to stand up and fight against my MIL and yes sometms i fought with my husband also....

Now the situation at home is that my kitchen is separate (living on 1st and grd floor)

here in my situation i was luck that I got a separate unit (bedroom, drawing romm & kitchen) on first floor...

when sometimes things goes really worse than don't hesitate taking these steps:-

1) if require stand against your husband also.. if he is unnecessary favoring his mom.... later at night you can patchup with him!! (dont drag ur fight with ur husband for a longer period of tm as you need her support at in laws place)Moral is that ur husband doesn't take u for granted ..
2. If your MIL can shout and make issues of small -2 things than can't you do the same ... Make issue of small -2 things... if she can shout than can't we shout...
moral is she shd know that if she make issue of anything than she to has to bear the heat from your side.... show her you too are short tempered and during fight... agay pichay ka sab bol daloo... BUT WANT TO TAKE FIGHT WITH UR MIL.... GO AHEAD >>>> BECAREFUL DO IT WHEN UR HUSBAND IS NOT AT HOME...... and than don't hesitate in saying any words to her TEACH HER A LEASON
3. Always and always fight with ur MIL when ur husband is not there best is if nobody is there and later if she complains to ur husband than you clearly say... IDIDN'T said that...... BE CLEAR.... U NEED TO CONTROL UR MIL IF UR HUSBAND IS NOT DOING IT... BE CLEVER
4. MOST imp..... after fight with ur MIL never manoo her instead of that dont talk to her for 15-20 days simply avoid her.... as she doesn't exists....
if your husband is there than infront of her thoda baat karo but if you both are there than show her that u doesnt need her at all...

My suggestion for all those women asking for help is that stand up and fight NOBODY WILL FIGHT FOR U U HAVE TO FIGHT FOR UR RIGHT
And during all those fights if you think that u will have a bad impression on others forget it. Only remember you have to make a position in your in laws place you have to take charge and control ur husband and all MIL wants to control there sons

If any body wants to know how to sidha karo these SIL than reply back.

Bye for now
Jhansi ki rani (that's what my parents and now my husband calls me)
Take care

Ps. :- don't be a bechare kind of ab kaya karoo??? Nahi fight back..
DD replied. u r very very similar in thinking to me.I think quite similar like this way.And somehow did it.
But u know the result...now she is over confident that her son only listens to her and her son is not satisfied with me and so neglects me.So ?I have to obey her thasy I'm doing it.
I just lost myself after doing the same and now still loosing.

So, As Ami said, Our relationship with mil is only depends on hubby and only hubby.
If that man is perfect and can know where to draw a line for mommy and for his wife and If he can balance both of them... neighther of them feels insecured and does behave cunning to Dil/MIl.
But, unfortunately those gentle men r very rare ...and most of the men only draw lines either to wife or to mom. ...

So, dear aqua, In ur case,luckily it worked oout.But for me, it gave bad result and now she feels over confident and ruling her son's mind like anything.Unfortunately my hubby is a kinda man that feels he shd draw lines to wife .
SO here ,loser is me forbeing fair and positive. She is the winner for being cunning and negativethinker. replied. I see. SR replied. Hi

I dunno how effective your tips are.. but speaking from my own experience this is what happens when I do as you mentioned:

1). Never tried this but am sure my one will take it the wrong way and will say I am being rude.

2). I give her a lot of important tasks to do.. infact in return she calls me lazy.

3). Same as above

4). She has a horrible tongue and its difficult to ignore her... best way to shut her up is answer back.

Thanks for the tips. Suruchi replied. Hi Aqua n Ami,

Well said. Now do you guys have any tips for my problems? I have been married for 2 yrs and inlaws have been a pain in the neck. After marriage I had to stay with inlaws for a year before joining my hubby. I had some visa issues and I was working also, now that I am with my hubby inlaws are so insecure about it.

Earlier when i was not here n when my hubby used to go for vacation with his friends my mil had no problems. She would rather encourage. But now that I am here my mil feels so insecure we have to take her permission to go for vacation. Not only that she will keep us bugging during our entire trip and by the end the trip is over hubby n i always land up arguing and fighting over what his mom said about what to do and what not to do.

I am just sick of it. My hubby's sister is also staying in US n mil wants us to go with her for every vacation. Such that both maa-beti can talk about me later. Hubby enjoys with them and her kids/hubby but not me. I hardly get anytime alone with hubby as my sil's kids are with him 24/7.

Why this insecurity???? Am i gonna do something really bad...Or just mil doesn't like dils to enjoy her life.

Even when we go for our vacation to India she sticks along to each n every place. As if I am going to talk about her behind her back. If I visit my parents she wants me to go alone doesn't allow hubby to come. Is that my parents gonna talk rubbish about her behind her back.

I just don't get this insecurity issue of inlaws. When they were young they just deserted their inlaws and had a great time. Never even bothered to invite them to their house. Now why this daily interfering with dils. God I am just sick of it!!!
Ami replied. My in-laws had visited us for six months last year and while during their stay this is what I have come to the conclusion.
Yes it is true that MIL's are possesive about their son's and feel for them but they start acting on their posesiveness only when they know that they can get away with doing that.
Here is my classic case: My husband is very clear about things in his mind and my in-laws know about this. He speaks his mind if things don't go right. And my MIL in no way shape and form wants to make her son unhappy.so she never throws any tantrums or plays any games coz she knows her son does not tolerate those dramas. As a result of which she is pretty well behave almost all the time. And she knows that my husband and I have very respectful stong bond (love marriage) and that she can not play any games.
Bottomline, MIL's behaviour depends on how their sons take it. If Sons (husbands) start drawing a line, believe me MIL's will behave good with DIL's as they don't want to upset their sons.