Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

So finaly, its been a month with my inlaws.

here is my story since the time they have come: MIL tries to dominate and dictate me in the kitchen. She thinks that she is the best cook in the world and tries to cook everything. Initialy, I kept quite, I felt like a stranger in my own home, right from deciding the menu, to cleaning, all she wanted to do. Then one day, I told her - \"; Aap apne kitchen mein bhi mujhe kaam nahi karne deti hain aur mere kitchen mein bhi nahi karne deti hain\";. She didnot allow me to do anything in her kitchen, when I went to India twice. She even didnot allow me to touch any of her utensils, not even allowed me to boil milk. Now when I said this to her, She didnot say anything, but after that, she has changed. Now when she tries to control me, I give it back. Things are better now, but the control factor do come into play frequently.

Now about FIL - he is cool, but wants to know all about our expenses. He knows that I check mails daily. Yesterday, when I came back from checking my mails, he asked me what all are the bills? Then he took all bills from me and read everything. Right from the leasing document to all bills, bank statements etc. Today, I decided just because he wants me to go and check mails, I will not go, he became so desperate that he himself went and tried to open the mailbox. When he couldnot open it, he came back and asked for keys. I said it is my duty to check mails daily and I donot want you to go anc check it. I took back the keys from him and went and checked my mailbox.

I want to know - whatever I am doing is OK? Why they want to know all the details? This is my life and my home. Whey they need to interfere with expenses, kitchen things etc?? I donot do it when I am in their place. They donot even allow me to do anything. I donot open their bills, their expenses... why do they need to do it with us? I donot know what is hubby's opinion about it but I donot like it. Does it happen with you also? Do they also interfere so much? What is the limit of interference???

Thanks, am in a bad mood... kuku replied. same thing happen with me when my inlaws were here.I had C-section when I came back from hospital my whole kitchen was changed.it was totally upside down, she started telling me how to keep the things and where to keep the things. she even asked me not to use dish washer.and I just had c-section.whenever I go out and come back i always find her in my bedroom or in my closet.for the very first one month she said that you should not cook and touch the food and she herself cook the food,it was nice of her but she put lot of mirchi and spices inspite of telling her that it gives me heartburn and I can't eat. she replied me that My son like this I have to also think about him. My husband is mamma boy he thinks that whatever she is doing is right. and she is doing this coz she loves him. you guys won't beleive how these MIL behaves On our first night she started knocking the door in middle of night and started complaining that I am sick,I am having bloodpressure, I get scared when my son is locked inside, could you beleve this Amother is scared of 30 yr old son is locked inside with none other than his wife. I thought she was really sick but when she came here for six month she did'nt allow my husband to sleep in same room with me. My FIl also used to check every mail every sale, every paystub doc bill.her story is neverending for me.I think you are doing right thing,I never said a word to her. But still she was not happy with me.I am also In US pooja you can write to me My ID is reply_back_me at Yahoo dot com kuntala replied. My mil interferes in everything that we do, the reason she gives is \";SHE HAS ADHIKAAR\";. If we maintain our privacies, ILs think that we are cheating them. Anyway, don't bother about crooked minded ILs. Continue doing, what is right for you. SR replied. Hi

I agree... you need your privacy and deserve to have it! You have a right to your privacy.
You do not have to show them your bills or any of your personal mail. I had this privacy problem with my MIL. She used to wander in my room when I was at work....it really stressed me out.. I spoke to hubby who told her to stay out of it.. she sulked at first and now she does not go in there. I think you have to be direct with them otherwise the message will not get across.

All the best. Tony S replied. Yes Pooja, I do agree with u. ILs can be v. interfering sometimes. Some of them do not realise it and others do it because they want to !!!!!
U will not believe my husband used to send a xerox of his payslip to his father every month so that he would hellp him out with the income tax (oops !). ALso his credit card bills used to go to him and then he would redirect (we live in diff. cities) but he would see all the details and then mail to us. This was because we did not have a permanent address in our city. But this went on for 3 or 4 years of our marriage. Then slowly my husband started realising that these mails can be directly sent to our address only and that I not his father should be involved in all these things.This is also because my FIL started making unreasonable expectations from my husband for fulfilling their expenses like foreign trips, renovating their old mansion, lending money to his sister to buy a house - imagine all these when even I was not working, we were staying in a rental place, we had a second hand scooter and were newly married !!!!! So luckily my husband got some 'buddhee' and slowly started excluding him from knowing details about our savings and expenses. My MIL was also similar, she used to stand near the open door of our bedroom to hear what we were talking (me and my hubby) during daytime !! and at night we used to close the door - obviously u should right ? so she used to taunt saying we never closed the door at night (when they were young), but I just ignored it and did what I wanted to do - i keep it closed and my hubby supported me ( he had to otherwise I would not allow him to touch me).

So slowly but steadily and tactfully u should let them know that u do not like them interfering in detailed matters. What u said to your MIL was absolutely right. She must have realised. But do give her importance in other ways say by telling her - 'Mummy, u make this dish great. Can u teach me ?' Write down the recipe and tell her I shall prepare it with your guidance for the 1st time only then I can make it good. She will feel good and u will also learn a new dish. Looks like your hubby does not communicate much with his father. Take that as a signal, maybe he also feels that he is trying to interfere so just keep the keys of the mailbox in your control only. I feel u did the right thing. Now he knows he cannot mess with u and also knows that u r sharp enough. Keep going but keep communication lines open with your husband, esp. money matters. If he does not talk to u also, then send him email or chat with him if u want to convey anything to him. ALl the best silver replied. I know u r not bad, but hting is u r in bad mood ,so wrote urself against u.
Am I correct?!
If I'm wrong, here you go...
Dear, They r none but ur hubby's parents.Dont u allow ur father to check mails and know bills? treat him like fther.HE IS JUST CURIOUS LIKE ANY OLD MAN.Instead of avoiding him rudly from doing some work..u can let them involve in house activities while drawing some lines of interference.
I'm suggesting u to be cool with FIL. It's ok, nothing wrong,Just sit with him and tell him what is going on in america and how system works and explain them 'bout signals ,traffic, free ways,utilities and ads ,deals ,coupons...many things r there u can exlain that old man and he'll be KUSssHH enough for u!
Dear, This way u'll not loose anything except gaining his affection.
Share a bond that u share with ur dad.It's good oppurtunity.

Coming to ur MIL,avoid her from doing work if u feel like she is dominating, but u shd tell gently that u want her to take rest for a while and thts y u want her to sit and n'joy.JUST be gentle and ffair.
Ur hubby will also feel proud of u.How much ever ur hubby might love, he'll definitely want to see u as a good DIL to his parents. SO, maintain good relation with them with gentle behaviour.So everybody can n'joy this trip.If u pentup things in mind,ultimately u r going to suffer while looosing peace of mind.

Take care, dear! try to be nicer to them while protecting ur self respect!