Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I am in worst phase of my life now.My FIL has huge debt and my husband sent almost 25Lto 30L to his father before marriage itself and he used to send money for family maintenance,my BIL's marriage,our marriage as well as my MIL's sister 's sons for their education and business.Just FYI,ours is love marriage and since i belong to same community as his and we are kind of distant relatives and am well educated(than my hubby) parents arranged our marriage and it all went fine.My hubby told me during our marriage that almost FIL debt is paid off...nothing to worry.When i got married to my husband and came to US,our life was kind of \"; each dollar does matter\";.We couldnt buy any furniture,sleeping on the floor,never had friday dinners,never bought expensive clothes and on top of it my hubby's project got over after 3 months and we had to move to other state for job and we were in a situation to meet all those expenses through creditcard.INspite of that we managed to send money to FIL for paying one of his debt(?!) and afterwards came to know that that debt wasnt paid off. He told that the money got spent.But since i went to india for my PG exam i knew that they spent that money for co-sis babyshower jewellery,dresses and her new borns jewellery.

Basically i felt bad for our lifestyle after seeing neighbours and my friends who are here in US.I felt shy for inviting our friends home since we dont have a decent lifestyle.To add with because of my marriage my father also fell in little debt and i have one younger sister for marriage so i wanted to help my father.But my Hubby was standing on his point that if i want to hep my dad and then i got to earn...! So i worked as office admin(got only very little pay) for an year and helping my dad meantime i took certifications in software(with my hubby's guidance).Meantime my hubby was sending money to FIL,MIL(she has her own debts it seems) .And i was kind of stubborn to save a part of his income for our security.

And again we moved to another state,all expenses on creditcard again and here i got a decent job and got good income and paid off my dad's debt and managed to buy furnitures and a small residential plot in india.When all this were happening,my husband could send money to his parents too.But i came to know later that their expectation(!) was not fullfilled. They were gossiping that i am not letting my husband to send money to in-laws...!!!

Now again MIL is constructing individual house for her sister's son and she wants us to send money for that.And to add, again my FIL claims that he has debts .Being elder to the family my BIL doesnt even worry abt his father's debts and Bil's wife gets whatever she wants for her and her daughter like expensive dresses,all expensive jewellery, housewares, furnitures.... Whereas my hubby planned not to have baby for 2 years and now when we thought of planning our own family,my father expired in india and when we came back to US again i got all health problems because of my dad's death,FIL debts,Politics i faced when i wass in india etc etc...which drives me crazy.

In the meantime MIL asked my hubby to take money from his creditcard(she asked him to apply for newcreditcard if old CC cant be used) and send to her sister's son for his new business.But since we already have huge figure in CC i said NO to my hubby and my hubby told his mom \";SORRY\";. But he did send money for house construction.After that they dont talk to me ,they never even bothered my existence when they speak with my hubby and.... MIL,her sister badmouthed about me to my secondcircle co-sis that i am splitting the family,i am not letting her son to send money to them at all blabla bla..you know how MIL's badmouth.

So friends, is it wrong in me saving money for my family(my hubby,me and my future kid) and buying plot through my dad ?Anything wrong in saying NO for applying new cc for sending money to MIL's sisters son ? BTW,his father is well off too.but he never bears any of his sons expenses.How to handle this situation and relatives....Now almost my relationship with in-laws is almost worst...I want to handle this carefully and dont want to ruin any relationship Also i want them to understand that we too need money for our future and we also deserve some respect and recognition from them since my hubby's contribution to their family is major. Also we too have our own life to live with.

How to make my points clear to my in-laws without hurting them?

Now i could see many selfish daughter-in-laws who dont even speak to their in-laws.but i want to have good relationship with everyone.But my mind is full of the words that they badmouthed abt me...when i was ill,they never even enquire abt me health.its that bad...Now my hubby wants to pay off FIL's debt fully by himself.He scolds me for the entire happenings.He blames me that from day 1 i was showing explicit that i wanted to save money.....!!! But he never realises that he was responsible for making me thing like that.If he could have had enough bank balance,furnished apt when we started our life then i wouldnot have been like that.But anything wrong in i being like that.every wife would do that.right friends? I have friends whose husbands eran same like my hubby and living better life than us...But i never do apple-apple comparision and i know doing that would ruin my life.But anything wrong in fullfilling the basic needs? Then why to stay here in US leaving my ill parents alone in india and went late for my dad's death and postponing baby and now suffering with health issues whereas my co-sis gets everything done ,started her family soonafter marriage ,talking tactfully with in-laws and with me too and getting goodname though they dont even send moneylike my hubby. I am fed up............need your help to handle this.

Regards
Lucky aqua replied. Hi Lucky,
Its very sad to hear your story. Yes its a true indian mentality that people belive that those staying in US are earning much more so they should send back the money. In-laws don't realize that you also have to spend and maintain a lifestyle which is atleast decent to match with others.
In your case I would like to know what's you husband's plan. Is he planning to come back to India in near future or are you planning to stay in US.
I would suggest you talk to hima about this and here's my suggestions based on his reply
1. If you are planning to come back in near future you tell him that let's plan to buy a house in India. The house should be in his or your's name because you would need home loan. make him agree that if we invest in property he can help his parents also. Like the house cna be rented out and his parents cna use that money. That way you don't have to bother about sending them money as well as you will have some security in terms of property in your name. You can also tell him that you should stop taking any loans in Us on CC as it would be a legal hastle if you want to return. another thing is tell him that you would be needing money for planing about your baby. There are lot of expenses to be bourn during preganncy and after delivery so why don't he start giving you some money every month which you would keep for your baby. But remember never take out any money from that account even for your personal needs, that way he would be sure that you are actually planning all this for your future.

2. If you are planning to stay in US forever or for long time than its very criticla that you save for your future. Try to expalin him that staring a family in US is very expensive and lets start saving for it right now. If possible you can convince him to buy a house in US.

One more idea is to call home some indian family freinds ( I am sure you must be having some), those with kids are very good. In the meeting tactfully start the conversion on how expensive it is to start a family. ask othere to share their expeirence about how they save and how much are their assets. That would prompt you husband to think that he should also save for your family.
Alo in case your FIL or MIL asks for some immediate expneses tell you husband that instead of him taking money from cc or loan why dont they (your inlaws) take a loan against propert or anything. You cna help them later with some money. This way you cna avoid having the burden of too much credits.
Now to handle in laws, whateven argument you have with your husband about them never stop your coversation with them. If they are not calling you tell your husband that u wants to talk to them. You can talk to your MIL and say things like you wanted to buy some expensive gift for her but couldn't do that since they are always in debts. Tell her that you went to a freind's place and she has so ggod furniture and other items. Ask her that in your next trip to India you would buy some things from there with her help so that your house looks good. Never tell her that you are very happy or bought something or went out for dinner. Tell you MIL that you din't plan for baby because of the money problems. ask her that now since u r planning she has to manage everything. If you planning to call your MIL for delivery than talk to her very sweetly and give her a big list of things which she must buy for the baby. If your MIL has bought some jewelry from your husband's money than one day sweetly tell her that you don't have any good jewelry to wear for some function, it would have been so good if u were in india so that u can borrow from her.
Using above methods just make your in-laws realize that they are living in better condition and your life is always in debts.
Remember the one who cries the most gets more sympathy and love.
Hope this would help you.
Regards,
aqua
prerna replied. One very imp thing is I am really really sorry for this struggle of yours.

Another thing as regards ruining your relation is concerned ,in-laws everywhere are like that so plllllllz don't try to please them

Now coming to the financial issue,you have a job right?????
Save the amount on your own.You seem to be an intelligent and a smart and a caring person,otherwise inspite of all the above issues mentioned you wouldn't have cared about your relation with your in-laws dear.
I don' tthink your hubby is concerned about saving the money for you rfamily's future,so let him send the money,but when it comes to spending at your home make it a point to tell your hubby that he needs to put in his money too (if he expects you to run the finacial matters in the homefront while he sends all his money to his family)
Tell him to send a fixed amount of money to his parents every month so that then he won't feel guilty about not sending money at all.
You can also send some or similar amount to your family.
And as far as his bro is conserned ask him why his brother never sends even a few hundreds to his parents.
And as far as your mil's sister's son is concerned,tell your hubby to stop it there itself coz it really doesn't make any sense.
Tell him you don't have issues regarding his sending money to his parents but also tell him that he has his duty towards you and your future too(having a baby for instance).Tell him to send but don't oversend.

This way he will also understand that you are not standing b/w him and his parents.

All the best.