Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I am in worst phase of my life now.My FIL has huge debt and my husband sent almost 25Lto 30L to his father before marriage itself and he used to send money for family maintenance,my BIL's marriage,our marriage as well as my MIL's sister 's sons for their education and business.Just FYI,ours is love marriage and since i belong to same community as his and we are kind of distant relatives and am well educated(than my hubby) parents arranged our marriage and it all went fine.My hubby told me during our marriage that almost FIL debt is paid off...nothing to worry.When i got married to my husband and came to US,our life was kind of \"; each dollar does matter\";.We couldnt buy any furniture,sleeping on the floor,never had friday dinners,never bought expensive clothes and on top of it my hubby's project got over after 3 months and we had to move to other state for job and we were in a situation to meet all those expenses through creditcard.INspite of that we managed to send money to FIL for paying one of his debt(?!) and afterwards came to know that that debt wasnt paid off. He told that the money got spent.But since i went to india for my PG exam i knew that they spent that money for co-sis babyshower jewellery,dresses and her new borns jewellery.

Basically i felt bad for our lifestyle after seeing neighbours and my friends who are here in US.I felt shy for inviting our friends home since we dont have a decent lifestyle.To add with because of my marriage my father also fell in little debt and i have one younger sister for marriage so i wanted to help my father.But my Hubby was standing on his point that if i want to hep my dad and then i got to earn...! So i worked as office admin(got only very little pay) for an year and helping my dad meantime i took certifications in software(with my hubby's guidance).Meantime my hubby was sending money to FIL,MIL(she has her own debts it seems) .And i was kind of stubborn to save a part of his income for our security.

And again we moved to another state,all expenses on creditcard again and here i got a decent job and got good income and paid off my dad's debt and managed to buy furnitures and a small residential plot in india.When all this were happening,my husband could send money to his parents too.But i came to know later that their expectation(!) was not fullfilled. They were gossiping that i am not letting my husband to send money to in-laws...!!!

Now again MIL is constructing individual house for her sister's son and she wants us to send money for that.And to add, again my FIL claims that he has debts .Being elder to the family my BIL doesnt even worry abt his father's debts and Bil's wife gets whatever she wants for her and her daughter like expensive dresses,all expensive jewellery, housewares, furnitures.... Whereas my hubby planned not to have baby for 2 years and now when we thought of planning our own family,my father expired in india and when we came back to US again i got all health problems because of my dad's death,FIL debts,Politics i faced when i wass in india etc etc...which drives me crazy.

In the meantime MIL asked my hubby to take money from his creditcard(she asked him to apply for newcreditcard if old CC cant be used) and send to her sister's son for his new business.But since we already have huge figure in CC i said NO to my hubby and my hubby told his mom \";SORRY\";. But he did send money for house construction.After that they dont talk to me ,they never even bothered my existence when they speak with my hubby and.... MIL,her sister badmouthed about me to my secondcircle co-sis that i am splitting the family,i am not letting her son to send money to them at all blabla bla..you know how MIL's badmouth.

So friends, is it wrong in me saving money for my family(my hubby,me and my future kid) and buying plot through my dad ?Anything wrong in saying NO for applying new cc for sending money to MIL's sisters son ? BTW,his father is well off too.but he never bears any of his sons expenses.How to handle this situation and relatives....Now almost my relationship with in-laws is almost worst...I want to handle this carefully and dont want to ruin any relationship Also i want them to understand that we too need money for our future and we also deserve some respect and recognition from them since my hubby's contribution to their family is major. Also we too have our own life to live with.

How to make my points clear to my in-laws without hurting them?

Now i could see many selfish daughter-in-laws who dont even speak to their in-laws.but i want to have good relationship with everyone.But my mind is full of the words that they badmouthed abt me...when i was ill,they never even enquire abt me health.its that bad...Now my hubby wants to pay off FIL's debt fully by himself.He scolds me for the entire happenings.He blames me that from day 1 i was showing explicit that i wanted to save money.....!!! But he never realises that he was responsible for making me thing like that.If he could have had enough bank balance,furnished apt when we started our life then i wouldnot have been like that.But anything wrong in i being like that.every wife would do that.right friends? I have friends whose husbands eran same like my hubby and living better life than us...But i never do apple-apple comparision and i know doing that would ruin my life.But anything wrong in fullfilling the basic needs? Then why to stay here in US leaving my ill parents alone in india and went late for my dad's death and postponing baby and now suffering with health issues whereas my co-sis gets everything done ,started her family soonafter marriage ,talking tactfully with in-laws and with me too and getting goodname though they dont even send moneylike my hubby. I am fed up............need your help to handle this.

Regards
Lucky yyy replied. well, only solution to this is to make your hubby matured enough to understand that this is pure exploitation of his good nature. He has to realise that this will never end unless he puts a stop to this. Better, if hubby has a friend, get him into confidence and let him slowly mould your hubby's thinking to a better manner. Sometimes men listen to their friends better. If this does not workout, threaten your hubby in a delicate manner. He looks to be a soft hearted man, so will listen to your threat also. try out, unless he rectifies himself, things can not change. You continue to work and cleverly invest money in India in Shares/Mutual funds where money is multiplying like anything. So the loss that your hubby is creating can be made up to a certain extent by you. This is the problem if man is not strong.