Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi Neela, I read your previous message.
I'm suffering from the most common problem.
Hi Dias, I remember u well dear, u too came up with this similar problem before and updated us ur silence and ignoring made things better for u.

I am sailing in exactly similar boat like u were.

So,I need ur advises.Though ignoring did give me a result ,now Time came for me to take the situations into hand.So,I do need advises from u ladies.

Neela, U stated u had many friends with many of these issues.So u might have definitely had a solution somewhere.
Briefly my hubby is like a puppet in his mothers hand and without having second thought he listens to her biased statements and ruined relation with my parents for the same problems like good sarees for sister( Dont wonder ,dias!Its exactly similar like u) etc...

His mom purposely spoils any occassion my parents celebrate with his family t avoid the good impression my hubby gonna get on my parents.
She is also like ur MIL acts so sweeeet and in my absence keeps on filling his ears with all the silly complaints?

So,now we r going to india for good. It's been 3yrs we stayed here ,and during ever vsit of us to IND,within month ,She successfully locked him from listening any truth I may tell him in whole 1 year of togetherness.(hope u got me)
So, now I'm tense ,If he stay for 1 year there,she might lock him for life.It might cost me my life to regain our love life!??!

So, what is the solution here in my case?!!How shd I avoid her from complaining him.Here I cant do anything with my hubby because he never care to listen me in that aspect.Else where he is good hubby though.

So ,tell me how to deal with her?Is there any strategy that I can stop her filling his ears?
Pl note that till now,She acts vvery fond of me and I too.Our relationship as MIL and DIL is really envious to anyone outsider as they dont know how she spoilt my hubby's relation with my parents!

SO ,pl tell me suggestions that shd n't spoil my relations with them and shd be in a way that she shdn't know that her complaints to her son r effectively working.It might boost her confidense on son and might even go further to spoil our relation.(somehow she achieved this too in last vacation ,My hubby is not that pompering now).

SO,Pl tell me solutions in a strong way.
To add to that,I'm really waste of anything in being tactic at cases. So ,really depressed that I'm fit for nothing.How to behave confident to my hubby.

Because my hubby never accept thay r lying.He spoils terms with anyone his mother tewll bad 'bout!
If she says god is RAKSHASA,Despite of all the good god has done or him..He can start hating GOD even.Because I believe my parents to be gadly nature being kind to anyone in our circle(probably everone feels it 'bout parents,but this is the truth my FIL used to accept ,,,Now he too changed his attitude due to my mil's words against them).My MIL is so powerful and I trust her wisdom to spoil any great relation.So I'm scared!

So,Tell me how to deal with my life in IND??! I too have a baby and she is center of his life now.I'm afraid she might reduce his love towards his daughter too??!?!?will it happen with any father ?
neela replied. Dear DIL,

Your situation is quite complicated but I will give you suggestions to the best of my ability. I request others also to help me out with this in case I am wrong....

First there are too many issues here so you have to make some your priority:

1. Relationship between you and hubby
2. Betn you and in-laws
3. Betn you and parents
4. Betn hubby and in-laws
5. Betn hubby and parents

Too many right?!!! I am sure you remember \";please fasten your own seatbelt first before helping others\";!! The same way I think your first priority should be the relationship between you and your own hubby and little daughter.

Your hubby is over-attached to his mom. That much is obvious. Also your mil is very insecure. Why else would she try and spoil relationships between you and hubby, hubby and his in-laws etc? She is worried that you might pull hubby away from HER family - you might make him stop paying for his married sister.

I totally agree with you - this is a really exploitative arrangement!! The first thing to do is to help hubby realize this - but my dear, the presence of your parents in this is really not helping you achieve that, is it?

Their presence makes your mil more suspicious and makes her try to pull your hubby away from them. This leads to your hubby being suspicious on them and through that on you.

The first thing I would do is talk to your parents and tell them that for the space of 1 year, till your marriage is more stabilized, you are going to pretend to have minimal relationship from them. I know your parents who have done so much for you by putting up with the nonsense mil gives will agree to this.

Then some of the times your mil criticizes your parents - AGREE WITH HER. Yes, you heard me right. In front of her, behind her back, agree with her. See her point of view. Eg. Your parents have so much and are not giving to daughter. Tell her you are very impressed how much she does for her daughter (just ignore that part about your parents). Tell her you want to emulate her example and start saving for your daughter too. Tell your hubby this. Ask them to pick a bank and start putting money in it for your daughter's future - make it a joint account between hubby, you and daughter.

Tell your hubby how well his sister's hubby is taking care of her - by buying land and gold as investment for their daughter. Tell him that you want him also to be like that - that you don't want people to say that brother-in-law provides for his family better than him.

This way first of all your hubby will see that you are on their side. Your daughter will get the money. The money you are saving for daughter will not be available for them to spend on themselves.

If possible, when you go visit friends bring it up diplomatically - eg. \";If a friend bought something expensive, tell them it must be tough buying this after sending money home. Ask them how much you send home. Then in a very subtle way say yes, we pay for his sister's family also, you know how it is, we always have to care for family so we have to be more careful about money.\"; Most people would respond to this by \";What?! Why are you paying for sister and all? Are they poor?\"; - by talking to other people like this hubby will realize that what he is doing is wrong. If you don't talk at all people won't realize what is happening around them in other families. The tact is to bring up the topic in a non-accusatory way - i.e if you bring it up saying - \";we never have money becos we have to pay for sister in India\"; hubby will get angry, nothing will change!

When hubby complains about puris with rice flour - you can do 2 things. Next time you go to your parents place, in front of hubby, tell your mom, mummy, my mil makes puris with wheat flour and they taste wonderful. Could you do that also? My hubby just loves those. I am sure your mom will do it to oblige you. Then your hubby will also be happy.

Also, at home, tell your mil how you made your mom do with wheat flour for hubby and how they turned out wonderful. Tell her your mom was also very impressed with her tips. Thank her for that wonderful tip. Mil will probably say that your mom doesn't know how to cook. Just ignore it and smile.

Just becos your mil and fil bad-mouths your people they are not going to become bad people are they? They are good people, you know it, I know it, so why do you let them bother you?!!! Everytime your mil criticizes ur parents see her own insecurity in it - tell yourself -\";poor lady, she is insecure, trying to pull hubby from me and badmouthing family. She is really scared. Somewhere I am winning otherwise she wouldn't even try and do this. How long can she keep this up?\";. I think you are more worried that hubby believes her. But my dear respect for parents from hubby comes from your behavior - when he respects you, loves you, cares for you, he will automatically do for them. Her badmouthing them will not have such a big effect as YOUR BEHAVIOR, OPINION ABOUT YOU BY HUBBY. Believe me mil knows this. This is a war she will not win, so don't be scared of that. Finally, never compliment ur family to hubby or his parents. Just don't care about their opinion about your family. When your daughter gets older, she will be close to you, tell her \";Dear, these people are immature and cannot accept that I say good things about my parents. Let me tell you how wonderful they are....\"; And tell her about them!

I hope you can see it dear - the rotis with rice flour and the stupid comments don't matter dear. Don't let these bother you. The whole reason they are said is to make you upset and angry and to separte you from your family. See how much time and energy you have spent thinking about this to the extent that you are worried about what?

That she can spoil relations between you and hubby, hubby and daughter etc. etc!!! My dear, noone has that much power unless YOU DECIDE TO GIVE IT TO THEM!

What your parents did with not spending for you is a very good thing - see it worked well right? So sweetie, for now, don't worry about relationship with hubby and your parents. The only way hubbys build relationship with your parents is through the love and respect he has for YOU.

For that you have to first build trust between you - you know there are some nice things about mil too. Tell him these nice things. Become a part of his family. Be nice to your sil's kid. Be nice to his other relatives - call them and talk to them. Slowly, slowly, he will realize that his wife says nice things about mom but mom is always saying wrong things about wife. Follow his ideas. Keep him informed. This is the most important thing for you to do now. Your job is to share his responsibility in caring for HIS family. Ask him to share his worries with you - maybe mil feels that he should pay more for something. Tell him you can cut something somewhere to make it possible - let him know for sure that you want to help him and share his burden of responsibility for his family.

You are married to a man who is very, very loyal to his mom - it is not easy for him to pay for his family despite having a wife and kid. I wish he would realize soon that he should balance between both mom and wife and should not be one-sided. But that is not going to happen if you accuse to him about his parents now. He is not ready to hear that from you yet. So remember you always have to admire them to him. Any criticism you have, share it here and we will sympathize with you. Not with hubby - he will only start disliking you and your mil will win!

Finally when you take the kid to India, whenever your mil is around, make sure that baby is not more comfy with mom than her. Tell her baby looks just like her or your hubby. Tell her baby goes to her easily not to your mom.

Just stage a big drama for her - but don't think you are doing it for her. You are doing it for yourself. Becos right now, the happier she is, the more she will back off and THEN you can focus on the most important thing for you:

Building a happy family with hubby and you and baby.

If you think why I have to do so much to keep HER happy, you cannot do it. But if you think you are doing it to keep hubby happy, so keep your family happy and so for YOURSELF and YOUR GOOD, then you can do it. Don't let your ego come in the way of doing good for yourself.

Finally remember one thing - in 10 years, she will be OLD..she will not have the strength to attach hubby like this, so the final victory in this war is yours, never hers! So don't fight this war with her - she is stupid, you be smart. Don't waste your energy!

Finally, through all this keep your parents informed. Your parents have sacrificed so much for you - now, they have to sacrifice more. It seems unfair that only good people have to keep giving while the bad people are enjoying. But dear, in the long run, your parents will be happier and will get more. His parents will lose. It is going to take time but this is what will happen. Only you can decide if you have the courage and strength to go through with this.

One last thing, I feel your mil's game is to make hubby tell you -\";If you really respect me, you should cut off all contact with parents.\"; i.e \";them or me\"; kind of scenario. Before this happens, talk to your hubby about this. Tell him that just like parents are important to him, they are to you. Request him for a favor when he is in a good mood - ask him to promise you that howmuch ever it may seem like your parents may disrespect him, he should not try to prevent you from having contact with them. Tell him that there are lots of things they do that you do not approve of but that if he really loves you and cares for you, he should promise that whatever happens, he should not ask you to choose between him and parents. Tell him that would break your heart completely. Tell him everyday you are so scared of this, you cannot take care of baby properly. I hope you see what I am saying.

God has given you a bigger challenge than others - but God only gives challenges to people who he thinks can handle them. You are a good person to want to love your hubby and still keep terms with mil. I think God knows this and that is why you have been given this challenge - Good luck! If I think of more I will write...Neela






Neela replied. Hi dear DIL,

There is nothing in being tactful you know, it is just something you learn from watching other people - if like you say, your mil is really tactful, then in front of you, you have a good teacher!!! If a meddling woman like your mil can learn it, you will also learn it in a jiffy, don't worry!!

So please don't lose confidence in yourself over such a simple thing - it is much more difficult to bring up a daugher well than to learn to be tactful so don't even think too much about that! And of course you are a smart woman for finding this site and writing your problems out! Believe me, not every woman can do that! And you have the courage to want to change things that are not working out for you - isn't that brave of you? You are a good wife and a gorgeous mom to your daughter I am sure!!! So how can you be fit for nothing??? No way!!!! If you mil is spoiling relationship between her son and his in-laws, that doesn't show that she is very smart. She sounds stupid to me and insecure - so why do you think she is so powerful?! I think she is stupid!!!! Don't worry in 10 years time she will be a very old, struggling woman when you are just starting your future!!!

I think since Dias had similar problems to you she might be able to advice you a lot better - her solutions are very effective - I even told some of my friends and it worked for them too!

I am little confused over what you have written so could I ask you some more questions?

1. How many sisters does hubby have? Are they married? If yes, what kind of relationship they have with their in-laws? with your in-laws? Do they visit often? Do they call? Are your in-laws financially dependent on hubby?

2. What exactly happened in terms of problem with your parents? - i.e. what is it exactly your in-laws tell your husband? Do they say it in front of you / behind your back? How does your husband respond - i.e does he agree, disagree, keep quiet in front of them? What about when you talk to him privately - how does he react? (You say \";he never accepts they are lying - did you tell him they are \";lying\";?)

3. Do your parents know about what is going on? How do they react? Or do you hide it from them? Do they say anything about this to in-laws? Are your parents respectful to hubby?

4. Does hubby prevent you from having good relationship with your parents / visiting them / talking to them? Does he feel you are too close to parents and tell them too many things? What about your mil's feelings on this?

5. Are your parents more well-off than in-laws?

Sorry I am asking you so many questions. I am trying to understand what \";ruined relationship\"; means i.e did he shout at your parents? How did your parents react?

Sorry again for asking you so many questions. Do keep your spirits up and do not worry - even if your mil is really powerful and dominating and smart and evil, we all here will help you find a way for you to be smarter and more powerful but a good person, okay?

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