Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello friends,
Its me Latha, I hope you all remember me. I posted here sometime back about my inlaw's visit so here's my update. My inlaws are here at my bil's place and as I mentioned earlier they won't be visiting us. Now my hubby wants me to visit them and stay at my bil's place
to take care of his parents and co-sis. My inlaws will be here for few months so my hubby has asked me to go to bil's place and he will come there later on when he gets leave from work that too only for a week. He says I should stay there as long as his parents are there. I am so worrired I just don't want to stay with them the whole time and listen to their taunts. Hubby won't be around so he doesn't know how I will be treated. But friends plz suggest is it right on my hubby's part to ask me to visit them at my bil's place since they don't want to visit us.Plz guide me I am so tensed!!! SR replied. Girl be happy they are not coming there to stay with you.
I am trying to get rid of my evil ones and here you are inviting your ones.... enjoy your time off without them. Hopefully soon my ones will get off my back too. Latha replied. Dear friends,
thanks for your valuable advice. I talked to my hubby yesterday it was a calm but a serious talk. He understood my point and agreed to what I want. He said since they won't be visiting us its our duty to take care of them as they are old and wont' be of much help to my co-sis so I should go and help there. No matter how they treat its his parents (I understand how a child feels about his/her parents). He said he won't force me to stay for long but as long as I like and also try to extend his leave.
I am leaving next week so hope the things go well. I am just praying to god for my smooth stay and no bickering.
thanks again friends you all are angels.
neela replied. Hi dear Latha,

Here is what I understand from what you have written - Your in-laws are biased towards your co-sis as she is from their caste and u are not. They also taunt you and treat you badly. Your co-sis is rude to in-laws but they are nice to her.

Your hubby agreed to give money for in-laws tix for visit to bil for help with child without consulting you (around $3000?). In-laws will visit co-sis but not you cos they feel there is nothing for them to do at your place.

You think that your in-laws are deliberately not visiting you to put you down and insult you cos you are from a different caste / you visit your parents without their approval. (It is a revenge thing and not a genuine case of what they are saying)

Now your hubby wants you to visit your bil for 2 months to help in-laws / co-sis with the pregnancy.

Why do in-laws prefer one co-sis over the other? - the reasons are really very weird, in some cases like yours it is caste and very clear, in some others it is personality, in some others it is the fact that they come from the same town as them etc. etc. Whatever be the reasons, this behavior is quite common amongst many in-laws.

Or maybe it is simply a decision to \";divide-and-rule\";. Ask any parent how to create a fight between 2 siblings and they'll tell you how - buy one kid a lot of things and ignore the other. Guess what? Both of them will start fighting before you can say another word!!!

Maybe unlike what you think it is not caste at all - maybe it is just to keep you both separated so you don't compare notes about them. I have seen lots and lots of in-laws do this with lots and lots of dils! And sometimes they succeed and sometimes they don't. Maybe it is not this reason.

But here is one sure-shot way of seeing if this is true - when you go to visit ur co-sis, be very nice to her. Respect her and compliment her. Give her special attention, buy her a special gift. If they are trying to divide and rule usually the in-laws will change after a couple of months of this and start criticizing the co-sis to you!! (Yes, this happens)...So why don't you try this and see this time? Be very, very nice to co-sis, try to build a stable, long-term relationship with her. Don't even by the flicker of eyelash let anyone see that you think ur in-laws prefer her to you. Just build genuine bonds of friendship, this can only help you. You might be surprised to hear from her that when they are with her they are always criticizing her and also always complimenting you or saying nice things about you!! Yes, this happens and you'll never know unless you compare notes!!!...

It is a curse to be the preferred daughter-in-law not a boon - in all probability she never wanted in-laws for her pregnancy (If you don't believe me read all the other posts on this message board!) and she is forever regretting the fact that she did not marry out of caste like you. I can take a bet that she is probably calling her best friend with a conversation like \";why did I not have the good sense to marry out-of-caste like Latha? Then I will be blessed and my in-laws will also ignore me!\"; - If you still don't believe me just see all the responses to your post in the previous message. If she is the kind of person who is deliberately impressing your in-laws to rub your nose that they prefer her to you, then all I can say is that she is very stupid! In the long run, she will lose cos in-laws will definitely turn against her too.

You are the lucky one here not the unlucky one if they are ignoring you - so next time you think your in-laws are disrespecting you by not visiting you, sit down and laugh good and hard - becos they think they are getting to you but in reality you are escaping from their nuisance!!! And the worst part is they don't even know this and think you are UPSET about it!!- how funny is this?!!! Then the joke is on them, not on you, no? 8=))...And believe me, all the girls on this site are laughing at them along with you cos we also think they are stupid!!!

So besides what dias has written, my advice to you is this - this is going to be hard but when you go to visit never by even a flicker of the eyelid betray that you are upset by any of this nonsense. Just ignore all this drama for what it is - stupid people behaving stupidly. Build friendship with co-sis if she is warm to you. Be with your in-laws as they are with you - if they are nice, be nice but if they exclude you, just be thankful for it and go find something for you to have fun with. Be busy doing things and helping out and ignore all the other nonsense.

After a while you will find that their stupid attitude just makes you want to laugh at them for being such losers! Don't expect them to come and talk to you, make you feel a part of the family, ask you / tell you things - just don't expect anything from them. Just do your own stuff and be independent. Avoid them whenever possible.

Now comes the part with the hubby -I cannot advice you unless you give more information. Could you write to us what happened between when hubby talked over phone and mom said what work is there for me there and now when he wants you to visit for TWO MONTHS? Why does hubby want you to go there? Did your in-laws ask your hubby to send you or is it his own idea? Did you both fight about it?

Finally, of course it is stupid of your mil to say things like \";what work is there for me there?\"; - that is a stupid comment and treating you differently cos of your caste is also stupid - but don't let stupid people make you unhappy. Your happiness lies in the fact that you are bright, smart, intelligent and wonderful - so be smart and don't let that stupid woman ruin your marriage. You can't control what she says. But you can prevent her from ruining your marriage by ignoring her - so ignore her and build a happy marriage.

Maybe she wants to tell her son - \";see, I told you marriage with that girl from that caste would never work.\"; From hat you tell me she sounds like that kind of immature woman! Don't ever give her that satisfaction. Show her that you and your husband are happy in your marriage and you have got your best revenge!Do this by being nice to your husband and working with him on things.



replying again replied. I replied to ur earlier post too, telling u that it is okay for u to pay for ur in-laws tickets even if they were not visiting ur place.

As far as this post I think the decision should be totally up to you. I think u should go to ur BILs place to see the baby and visit ur in-laws, but if u r not comfortable staying for a long period of time, just go with ur husband and come back with him. (i.e. stay for a week or so only) Try to explain ur hubby as to why u don't want to stay there for as long as he thinks. Don't fight-just explain in a calm way. If he still doesn't understand, put ur foot down and DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT. dias replied. I remember you!
It might be right on part to spend with them. But its not right for him to force you to stay the entire period with them, when they r not even willing to come here for a while.

Convey him that he is only important for them and doesnt bother if you dont even spend with them.Tehy want to meet thier son and not you.
If they had little affection towards u,they'd have visited u atleast for 1week.
So,when he is in cool mood, just tell him what you feel.and how u r scared to visit them.Hope he would c ur angle.

I know its hard stying with them without ur hubby around as they dont feel attached to u. And, that too now their pampered DIL is about to deliver, they'll defiinitely show their partiality to her which might hurt u...SO , be careful and try to convince ur hubby .Just tell him u cant leave him and stay without him.

Show interest in going there butsay u r interested in going with him only.So try stressing on to extend his leave.Daily ask whether he is trying for itextension of leave.

Say again and again u r wishing to go there and cant leave him too.It might work out.I got it that he doesnt have more than 1 week.but it might make him drop his idea to send u alone. bhavana replied. Is your husband aware of the ill treatment meted out to you by your in-laws.????

Also read your prev post ,just a small advice.....be like your co-sis.
Mine too is a love mrg.Kept quiet and tried to please them.No use till I got angry.
All the best.