Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi friends ,

I used to like my inlaws a lot before as we only stayed with them on vacations for 1 month . But I got to see their true side when they visited me for my delivery . My mom has heath issues so she couldnt come but i admit my inlaws were good enough to visit us and take care of me during my pregnancy . She used to do all the work at home for the 4 months ..I still used to help her a bit around . My FIL used to get bored here as he used to be home all day and get bored.
One day there was a big fight . I was putting my 1 month old baby to sleep and my inlaws and hubby were watching TV in high volume and when my MIL came to my room I told her the volume was so high and baby is not sleeping . She took it in wrong sense and went out and told my FIL and hubby that she said so..and started saying \"; what does she think...etc..and then she started taking out one one incidents that happened before and saying she did this last time etc...I was feeling so bad inside and i came out with the baby and said in a good way that i didnt mean it etc...but my FIL and MIL were literally shouting .
Beingt the DIL i kept quiet and tried to explain. If i wanted to fight i can very well raise my voice too and argue a lot but i kept quiet for the peace in the house . They even started saying about my parents , thier education . My MIL said i was cheap!!! and told my hubby \"; dont get her to our house next time !!! do u believe that i was listening to all this and me and my hubby were wondering what had really happened that they got so angry..they just exaggerated the topic.
My FIL ALSO started saying that when i wa sin india staying with them and was visiting my parents , I locked the bedrooma nd packed the bags...they meant to stay i was hiding and taking the goodies that i got from U.S to my parents. They really want me to sit and show them what i got for my parents etc..
I felt really bad that they always insult my parents and keep filling my husbabds ears. My husband and me shared loving relationship..but after this visit of theirs..we have some problems.
They even dont like me visiting my parents much when i am in india..During one trip my Fil and mil literally were rude to my mom..they called her \"; self centered\"; and a women who only thinks about herself and not others etc..just because my mom went and drank some cold drink alone on the way. Just for this they kept shouting at her in the car and i was keeping quiet and my mom was quiet too...this was too much..I feel so bad now..I hate them now and but i know their behavior well now. They fight with everyone ..from airport authorities to all the tenants in the building. They dont get along with any one. They go visiting anyone's house and thenm come home and critize them and the food..they do this all the time. I guess they get pleasure in doing so.

What do u all think about their behaviorand what should i do..? neela replied. Hi dear Aditi,

I felt really sad that you have to go through so much that too so soon after having a baby. It is a difficult situation but I feel after seeing the way you have handled it that you are going to ace this one!

Obviously, your saying anything about the volume has nothing to do with this whole issue. If you mil came up with a list of incidents one by one - that tells me about her nature. She has been watching you for a while, letting the resentment build up against you, not saying anything until the whole dam burst. It is obvious to all of us here that she has been very insecure and jealous of you for a while - watching her son have fun with you and feeling jealous about it.

A very secure and mature indian mother-in-law is extremely rare!!! So her behavior is not surprising to a lot of us, especially on this board!!!!....We have all gone through our share of being told we are too dark, short, tall, talk too much, talk too little, rude, too friendly, parents are idiots, parents don't bring you up properly, share of being cried at, screamed at etc. etc. etc....Believe me, the list is endless.

If that woman had this whole list that she brought up in exchange for this little incident and cried and made a scene about it - it tells me how immature and silly she is and I can very well believe that she doesn't have good relations with others - obviously she is totally stupid and ruining her own life while trying to ruin yours. Trying to pull you down and bad-mouth you to hubby is a sure-shot sign of insecurity - if she is very secure that her son prefers her to you she would not be creating issues. The reason she is creating all this drama is becos she is very, very scared that her son will not listen to what she says since he loves his sweet wife - the beautiful woman who bore him a wonderful baby that he adores, the woman who deals with situations in a mature fashion by not shouting and screaming like her. You are winning with your hubby my dear, and that scares the daylights out of her and makes her mean to you.

It should not be a competition like this but who knows when she will understand this and you cannot ruin your marriage waiting for her to come to her senses!!!

But my dear, you are not married to this idiotic woman! You are married to your hubby and he is the primary relationship that you need to focus on. She is stupid and a pain in the rear-end. But how you deal with her depends a lot on how it will affect your marriage with hubby. That is where you have to be careful.

The real problem for you is your hubby's inability to keep them in line - and that is what needs to change first. For that you have to be the big person and understand him first before he can be understanding to your problems.

You tell me hubby has been quietly watching what is going on / saying maybe you behaved \";in a way they didn't like\"; but he was shocked. Note what you said -\";way they didn't like\"; not \";wrong way\";. The fact is your hubby is only now growing up and realizing - \";oh my god, this mom that I thought is wonderful and has my best interests at heart, who I adored and gave my loyalty to - what is wrong with her?\"; Cos if he did not think that you know what he would have said? He'd have said - \";you're wrong - go apologize to my mom\";. Don't think I am joking - I'm sure lots of women will attest to being made to apologize by hubby for such trivial things!!!

But most indian men have been taught from a very young age that they cannot say anything against parents - being loyal is a good thing, of course you want your son to be loyal to you too when he grows up. But blind loyalty is bad...Unfortunately, your hubby has been infected with this blind loyalty disease...it is a very common disease but it is not criminal and very much curable....All his life he is used to not saying anything against parents, so he is having starting trouble!! so only you have to help him cure it and build your marriage back to where it is wonderful and great and happy. And part of being in this happy family is learning to put your in-laws where they belong in your marriage - in the corner, not the center of your marriage!! If your hubby is stupid and doesn't know this, then only you have to teach him how to behave.....

At this point, if you shout, scream, cry, accuse his parents of hating you, accuse him of siding with his parents, accuse him of not caring for you - all this will only push him more and more to his parents.

Here are some suggestions of how to do this:

On a nice day, when hubby is in a good mood start this discussion. No accusations, no emotional display. Just say simply, \";I understand your parents may not like many things about me. But if I don't know what I am doing wrong then I cannot correct myself. Could you help me to understand how I could have done things differently?\"; Tell him \";I know that you always have my best interst at heart. You will only take care of me till the end of our lives together. So I know you will give me good advice always and your words are very important to me\";

Now bring up \";when I said about the TV volume, how could I have said it so she would not be upset? I really wanted our little one that we both love to sleep that is why I said it.\"; Now he might give you some suggestion. Make a note of it and tell him next time definitely you will follow it. Next time use the same words he gives you - if she still gets angry then tell him, what should I do now? Slowly he will understand that whatever you do his mom just wants to make issues.

Next issue - packing in your room. You might want to pack in your room so you don't want your nosey in-laws to see what u're buying for your parents, but of course you cannot tell hubby that. Ask him what he thinks about it. If he says it is okay to pack in your room, tell him could you tell in-laws that? If he says, no, you cannot, then tell him that you feel it will create more issues for his parents to see the things you are buying for your parents. Tell him that even though you buy more things for them than your parents, they might feel jealous and create more issues. If he still disagrees then to oblige him, pack in front of his parents. Then if his mom makes comments or gets jealous, tell him you really think it is better to pack in closed room (Don't tell him I told you so even though you might be sorely tempted to rub his nose on this!!!)

Finally make it a point to AVOID being alone with this troublemaking mom as much as possible - make sure hubby is around when you say things. If you are talking on phone put her on speaker and talk to her. Let him listen to what they are saying and what you are saying. Let him \";guide\"; on what to do. Try this for 6 months to see if there is a change in the situation...mark your calender today.

Each incident, just deal with it issue by issue, in a calm, polite detached way always questioning \";what should i be doing?\";, I did what you told me but doesn't work, you only told me to try this, this is why I did this, I am planning to do this etc......Slowly he will see that his mom is being irrational, idiotic and will start supporting you.....

In the meanwhile, do not accuse about them to ur hubby during this time at all...

If even after 6 months nothing changes,and you really need atleast 6 months for this to work, then tell him that you are upset that things haven't worked out and are going to start to say things back. Sometimes this threat scares guys into getting backbone enough to stand up to parents! You could also try telling him that you understand he does things for his parents but that he has to balance between both and do things for both of you. Finally also try saying that when his parents are old and cannot take care of them, you will definitely take care of them well and that to do that he really needs to balance between both of you. Tell him that if he takes good care of you now, it will be easier for you take care of them then.

If this also doesn't work then start standing up for yourself and talking back, but till then maybe you could wait and see if this changes your position......
Neela replied. Hi dear Aditi,

I am really sorry you are having to go through so much of emotional trauma, please keep your spirits up, love from all of us here...

I have one more question to ask of you - what does your husband say when his parents react like this?

What did he say when his parents accused you / your family like this? What is his opinion on what is going on?
Did you try talking to him and saying that you were upset about what is going on?

bhavana replied. I agree with SR.

The day you take matters into your own hands that day you are going to be happy.The more you keep quiet the more they take advantage.
Please don't count on your hubby for support.

I tried every possible way to avoid confrontation,spend many sleepless nights and after 3 yrs spoke up.They said I should have said something earlier.They said I completely misunderstood their words,and I was lying .Well keeping quiet didn't help at all.
Now after confronting them they are trying to be nice.

All the best dear. SR replied. Hi,

This is terrible!!!!!!!!!!

Well anyway this displays your MIL and FiL's thoughts of you.
You thought they were lovely but they had all the ba thoughts about you.

You know something??? The more quiet you keep.. the more these stupid illeterate people will talk.
So you and your mum do the same thing.. whatever she says.. answer back.
I had the same problem.
My MIL once insulted my parents, and I stayed quiet.
Once she came in between and made mine and my husband's argument worse... I still stayed quiet....
The third time she started, I answered back left, right and center and then recently she had a go at me again cos I never told her I was going to see my mum... well I answered her back.. now she thinks twice before saying anything to me and she knows I am not there to take her crap...

So my advice to you is be firm... you have one advantage to me that I do not have.. you do not live with her.. I am stuck with mine!
Now she is giving me less grief but I do not enjoy living with her under her rules.... I need a place of my own so I can at least try to enjoy my married life the way I want to.


All the best of luck Aditi.