Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi all

it is not tht problems have vanished but i am totally frustrated and have crossed all limits. i have got a baby girl and she is just 1 mnth old. my hubby is planning to find a new job and go back to his native and settle there. for which i am getting mad. he does not even bother to tell and silently goes and give interviews. i came to know abt it seing his mail inbox. i know very well if i go there they will make my life hell. my mil had visited my place when the baby was born and she satyed here for 21 days. during those days my hubby behaved as if there is no existence for his wife or daughter. i believe when a baby is born both parents are equally excited but in my case my hubby used to chit chat with his mother and not even bothered to enter my room also to mention i had a c section. can u guys suggest some way to avoid there staying with my inlaws permanently. this thought is killing me and as i am breastfeeding my young one my milk is reducing as i am taking tension( told by a doc)
Neela replied. Hi dear Bonny,

I totally agree with what Shreya has said and I too can feel that tension that you are going through - that too with a baby.

One more thing is - Man proposes, god disposes. I too used to worry about lot of things and then found out that somehow God always helped out by giving me favourable responses.

In your case, maybe he won't find a job he likes - even if he likes, pay may be less so his family might only tell him don't move, make more money and come. Even if he likes and pay is good, maybe he will get scared just before moving and decide not to move. Maybe his close friend might advice - don't move, it is not good for your career - So MANY, MANY things can happen.....For me, praying works to calm me - believe that God is on your side and pray to him (like Draupadi) with full trust and I am sure your prayers would be answered. Also it will help to calm you so that you can spend more fun time with the baby (though I know this is very very difficult).

Also, Bonny, your husband is very attached to his mom it looks like. But I have found from lot of cases that in time, the husband will transfer lot of that attachment to the wife. i.e. he will feel great attachment with wife also. If the husband is not so attached to mom, usually they are not so attached to wife also.

But his attachment to mom is making him blind to your suffering - I am sure that his mom did not like him being nice to you and tried to make him feel guilty for spending time with you (shame on her.) But you know the power of women over men, so don't blame / get angry over husband for that. It is mom's fault for keeping her son still tied to her apron strings when he should be caring for his new family. Your husband is just stupidly following what mom is saying because he blindly believes that mom alwyas means good for him - he is being fooled and doesn't realize!! I feel pity for him that he is letting his mom spoil his beautiful relationship with wife and kid.

It could also be simply that he doesn't realize how you feel - but if you tell him you feel lonely / left out / abandoned WHEN MOM IS THERE he will not understand and say you are trying to pull him from mom. He is brainwashed so he cannot think clearly. You only have to \";unwash\"; him so he comes to his senses with patience and love. Only a wife can do that - you know that.

So everyday when your mil is not there create rituals that are enjoyable - eg. Make 1/2 hour after he comes from work where you both sit and drink tea together and let him talk about work. Ask him questions, show interst in him. Make it enjoyable for him. Then next time you watch, when his mom comes also, he will tell her - usually we all drink tea at this time in evening and make her also sit with you!!!

Similarly make a ritual of having him give the baby a bath for 1/2 hour in the night- admire the way he handles her and how much she likes dad. Make sure you are involved by handing out the soap etc. Tell him to hold her while you massage her back. All these help you bond together in enjoyable fashion. Next time when mom comes, he will miss this and will say, usually we give bath this time - so, just keep trying these things. (Even in India, you can continue these things...)

So please don't worry - anything can happen and I will pray for you and your little one that everything goes fine.

shreya replied. Honestly first and foremost I can understand the tension you are going thru.
But you have to understand that by worrying nothing ever gets solved.This I am saying only for your sake.

Secondly regarding the fact going back to your native and staying with your in-laws.

If ever(this is for backup) GOD FORBID you have to stay with your in-laws you have to make sure, whether your husband likes it or not stand up for yourself.You have a right to defend yourself,if you have no support from your hubby you have to do it for yourself.

Secondly if possible get a job ,it is going to get difficult with the baby now but just do it.It will get you time away from your in-laws and another thing plllllzzzzz don't open a joint account or anything ,let it be for yourself only dear and your baby.

Now why don't you tell your hubby that you don't want to go there.Secondly ask your hubby point blank why he did not tell you about his intention of going and staying with his parents andthe new job interview.No matter what be firm.If your hubby is aware of the problems b/w his parents and you ,ask him what kind of a fatherly impression does he want his baby to have about him.Does he want the baby to know that he does not care at all for you.Is that how he would like his baby to grow with the knowledge that his daddy does not care for his(your baby's) mother and her feelings and security.

So will it be ok for him ,that later in his life as your baby grows,he stops respecting your hubby.

Tomorrow if your baby questions your hubby like \";daddy if grandfather could protect grandma why didn't you my father protect my mother from my grandparents\"; ask him what he is going to answer.

You can put all this and many more.

Even in case you are going to be with your in-laws if your in-laws ever try to taunt you get your baby in front of them and tell them to repeat everything in front of your baby.

I don't know what other way I can help .

All the best sweetie.
Take care and don't take tension unnecessarily.