Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi everyone.It's me Sarika.I have a concern and i hope you will help me as always.
We came here 3 yrs ago and have been to India just once for my BIL's wedding.Since it was his brother's wedding hubby wanted to spend lots of time with his family in his city (Kanpur)in india.I was ok with that as i went to India 2 months before him and spent time with my family.So that when we both were in India my husband and I stayed Mumbai for just 4-5 days total.I did want him to spend more time with me in Mumbai(my city).
A year after that my parents came to USA and my hubby spent another 5 days with them.They could not come to where i live bcoz of time constraints and stayed with my brother,so we had gone there to visit them.I stayed with them when they were here for 20 days.
Now again they are going to come here to brother's place for a month and i will go and stay there for 20 days and hubby will join us for 6 days.
The thing is we are going to India in july.
Now this time again my husband says he will spend just 5/6 days in Mumbai bcoz my he will be seeing his family after 2 whole years and wants to spend max time in his city.I will be staying back in Mumbai later for 15-20 days after he leaves.
I want him to stay longer in Mumbai bcoz i want to do so much there...take him around,go see my friends etc and with just 5 days in hand(we will arrive in Mumbai from USA so even those first 1/2 jetlagged days are included in that)i feel sad.
Hubby says you have met your parents 2 times since last year.You always get to spend a lot of time with them and that he too spends time when they come here so to let him stay in his city maximum time.I fail to understand what 1/2 days less with his family will bring to him.Why is he getting so emotional about 1/2 days extra time with them.If he gives me the same 1/2 days extra in my city then i will feel more satisfied with the trip.
I know ths whole thing might sound unreasonable and even silly.But it is something i am concerning about.Please help friends .Let me know if what i am thinking is right or that i am being unreasonable.
I will add here that although i have pathetic in-laws i do have a wonderful supportive caring and loving hubby.
Please help,
Sarika Neela replied. Hi Sarika, I am new to this board though I have been following the emails for a while.

I think that usually the guys feel as though they are not being loyal to their family if they spend time with the in-laws family - I don't know if it is like this with everyone but I have heard this from some people. I think it has been dinned into them from before they are married that once they are married they should not change. In some families, they specifically make fun of guys who stay with their in-laws saying they have \";turned over\"; to the other family. So husbands feel very guilty when they stay with girls side family because they are made to feel very guilty by his family. This is not fair since married couple wants to enjoy the benefits of both families but what to do? Only we girls have to be clever and think of solutions. I agree it is very frustrating.

I think one way to handle this could be to talk about all the preparations your family is doing to welcome him to family, how your mom is so excited that she can get to see her son-in-law etc. I think husbands have soft corner for mother-in-law more than father-in-law because they are more motherly and elderly. Also you could talk about how excited your friends are to see him and what all plans you have made - and explain that it is too short otherwise you would never think of trying to make him stay more time. If you feel you could be frank, then you could even say that you understand that he might feel he is not being loyal to his family but that since you are married, your family will think bad of you if you cannot make ur husband to stay even for 6-8 days in your hometown in a trip that is this long etc. If you know of other family members where the husbands stay longer, you could say that your family will think that son-in-law is better than him and it would make you very upset becos you want him to be thought of as a good son-in-law and you want your prestige to go up in your family.(In my case this is really true because my family always complains about some son-in-laws who don't stay at all and they have a bad impression about them. But if you husband won't care about this it may not work and you may not want to bring this up)

Just some suggestions - I don't know if this will work with your specific situation. Good luck! Neela

Dias, replied. Dear! It's silly but most of us experience it!
I too feel silly to beg him to spend at my place, but he is so particular for an HOUR too!not even half day.
He has to come myplace to meet his other friends or for his branch office official visits so then he'll spend in my parents home upto 5days in a month though not consequent days.

Know what,last time when he was returning after his vacation ,in Airport(based in my city),his trip postponed to 2days due to flight fail reasons ...He came my parents home and spent only that midnight and very early morning he went his town to spend that precious time with them.
I couldnt say anything because after a month after I was supposed to reach here(I took extra 1 month ). So thought let him join them for that day.
Even I'd have spent with my parentsthat precious extra day.
Anyway I too got shocked when he tol he's going there.

But afterall, they meet once in year,right! so we shd give them that time.
Anyway sarika, here u r n'joying trips with him and hispresence . then let him n'joy that li'l time with them...