Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Thanks for your suggestions.
In reply to your suggestions:
1.yes I already pity my bro,i have been the one asking him about his welfare ,still do,I am the younger one in the family,its been 5 yrs he on his own has never evr mailed me asking me how I am ,till date.He tells my mom that I never give him respect,but its the other way around.Even the smallest things you do as a kid can shape you up,my bro has had the habit of doing some mischief and blaming me for it,result I used to take the blame and get punished.It still goes on he is 35 yrs old.
I have a family of my own,can't take blames throughout my life for somebody else's insecurity and immaturity,life starts feeling like a burden
otherwise.I have to live my life too without the need to be responsible for everyone.

2.a question to you,you say that you do not believe in the concept of daughters getting preferential treatment,\";DOES THS APPLY TO YOU TOO when you go visiting your parents,would it be alright if you are not pampered at your parents home,no I don't think so.That is and will be the only place I will ever be pampered,that is my birthright.
You did not read my topic clearly and only hung on to the fact that I am probably upset that she gets a royal treatment at her place.I am not concerned whether she is treated as the queen or the empress at her place.If she can get such treatment at her place and at the same time expect that I not be treated in the same way at my place it is hypocrisy and nothing else .And for you to ask me to be happy for her for that and that I should not expect the same is pretty much a demoralising statement to me.I honsestly can't believe that you are telling me this,while the same logic wouldn't apply to you.
I do not know how it would be humanely possible to even think of trying to be with her in the same room after everything she is done and still doing,I still help my mom in the kitchen and her,she takes away the work from me telling me to go and sit,only b'coz she does not want me to stand with my mom.
I still help them out when I go visiting my parents,I do not sit and chill out.

As regards my parents they are fine and they are treating me with love (not something that takes you on a pedestal) but equal treatment to my sil and me.I have no reason to complain about my parents at all.

I have rights as any other daughter here at my place ,and yet she is trying to displace me from my family the only blood relatives I have.

I do not think that you have ever faced this kind of a problem in your life ,the easiest thing to do is ask somebody to forgive the people who have hurt you ,the hardest part to apply in practice.

I am a human being not a saint,I get tired too.
Another thing I have moved on in my life,I get scared to actually visit my parents place without my hubby with me for the fear of what she might say or do to me in the absence of my bro,parents and my hubby.She is very intimidating.And me, she senses my fear like a lion would sense his victim.Honestly I get scared of her,I have seen a look on her face that gives me the jitters.A look that if only she cud have me alone she would suck out every breath I have.

So honestly I feel safer with my mil.

After writing all this I feel I don't care about her anymore.
Anyway thanks for that .You take care. Neela replied. Dear Twinkle,

I think I should clarify one more thing also -

In my mil's place, my mil will keep talking about my sil as though she is a goddess. She expects me to completely do all the work when she is there. They also have private conferences where I am sure I am the topic being severely criticized. All this does not give me a good opinion about my mil-sil at all. Sil is very insecure that mil may like me so she tries to always criticize me and put me down - she used to criticize me in front of my husband too. Many times, she will find fault with me for simple things and blow it up as a big thing to make me look bad and to make people lose respect for me.

That is why,just like what you said you were doing, in my home, I don't do all these things. When mom complains I try to support sil, if not keep quiet. I try to help them build decent relationship.

But unlike your sil, my sil is a very good person. She buys me things and we both compliment each other a lot. I don't let my mom tell me that my sil is a bad person. She knows it. My mom will try to portray as though my sil is dominating her and get my sympathy. I bring the issues to the open by asking sil, did you do so and so? I am surprised how many times mom thinks sil does something for so-and-so reason but sil actually did it for some totally different reason. So sil is also is supportive of me and we can talk openly. I tell my mom, mom, my in-laws bother me, atleast I want you to be nicer than them. But for all this to work out, the sil also has to be good and not nasty like yours.

In my uncle's house, my cousin has the same problem as you. She tells me all about it. The problem is when people look from outside my cousin looks dominating and her nasty sil looks like she is very quiet and accomodating. So everyone in the family UNFAIRLY blames her. But when you look close, you will see that actually sil keeps quietly irritating my cousin, giving glares, being rude. When cousin blows up or ignores her as a reaction, people get the impression that she is the bad person!!!

That is why I gave you the suggestions that I gave - not to blame you. Again, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. Please take heart, be brave and don't let your dominating sil intimidate you. Don't be scared, just be courteous when necessary and keep your distance. Neela replied. Hi Twinkle,

Sorry, I think I did not write that mail clearly - that is why I was worried when I wrote it becos it did not come out the way I thought it should.

You tell me that you are not a saint - I think you were already a saint when you decided to be nice to sil - not many women can do that. Also believe me that I admire you for trying to be nice to her becos you go through a lot in your mil's place - like I said usually people think I am suffering in mil's place so let me also make sil suffer. That is why I wrote that your case is unusual and you are a very very nice person.

I wrote to ask you to forgive brother becos it looks to me that your sil wants to put distance between you and your brother - believe me, it is not uncommon for some nasty women to try to do that. She is saying nasty things about you to him and taking him for a ride. I was trying to tell you that - but maybe did not come across well.

Twinkle, I like to be pampered at parents place but when my sil is there I try to keep a low key. My mom tries to do things for me, she doesn't like it. (I too have a sil so can't say I blame her.) So I try to maintain low profile. Mom will as all mils do complain about sil to me when she is not there - I try to tell mom to see her point of view sometimes when I think mom is right. Other times I keep quiet becos I don't want to be blamed for spoiling relationship between them.

I was not tring to say that your sil is not hypocritical - from what you say, I don't have a great opinion about her at all - she sounds mean and rude. But I am trying to protect you becos otherwise I feel that she will have accomplished her goal of putting distance between all of you and also BLAMING YOU for it!!! Though she is the one doing it, to outsiders it will look like you are doing it. I have an uncle's family in exactly your position and I know in my family people think that the dil is better than daughter though that is really not the case! that is why I was suggesting to you to be careful since you will get blamed for something that is not your fault.

And when I said ask your parents to do special things for you, I was trying to make you stand up to her (by demanding the right as daughter in your place). If she doesn't like you standing next to mom, she is an idiot. It looked to me (from previous email only) that you were very much getting scared by her intimidating tactics - (I didn't want to write that becos it may make you feel more afraid) which is why I wrote that you should ask parents to do things for you - it is your right and she has no right to intimidate you like this.

But I know from experience that it is difficult to stand up to mean people like that - and if you argue, they'll keep arguing and no end to it! That is why I said maintain cool distance. Don't keep any meaningful conversation with her.

But believe me, if you ignore her / don't talk to her, people will get the wrong impression and think you are being mean to her - so I was trying to protect you by telling you not to do that.

I hope you see what I am saying now - again, I am saying, you are a saint for putting up with her. Also, that is why I said maybe by being in your presence she will change - don't let her make a positive person like you into a negative person like her. I think you have the potential to teach her to be a positive person like you - which she definitely is not wouldn't you agree? With all her glares, her rude behavior and trying to split your family, she cannot achieve what she wants. But if you ignore her / be rude to her, then you will help her achieve what she wants - which is a family that is split into pieces where everyone mistrusts the other person and the blame for it will come on you who are innocent of crimes.

Again, sorry if my meaning was not clear . I was doubtful when I wrote that email becos I guessed it may not come out the way I was trying to put it. I am not blaming you for anything - I am trying to protect you from being blamed by her. I didn't want to write everything I was thinking becos you already sounded intimidated by her and I didn't want to scare you more.

She is a mean person to be scaring you in your home - but don't let her do it, and don't let her put the blame for it on you. That is the bottomline.