Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi gals, I need your advice on the in-law issues that I have. Here is my story - Mine was an arranged marriage and I had some time knowing my husband before I got married - but not too much and obviously he loves his parents as I read in all the messgaes here. I got my baby just after 14 months of marriage and so we had not developed a thicker relationship with each other; His Mom came to help as my Mom passed away when I was very young itself; Things changed upside down as my husband started treating her like a queen and she would act up as well. I had a very long labor and a difficult delivery; I used to take care of teh baby all night and all morning and all afternoon and I will be exhausted and will sleep in the eveneing; She chose to take care of the baby in the evening since that is when my husband will be home and put some words into his head at taht time. She was very possessive of my baby also and would address herself as 'Mom\"; to the baby. On Saturday and Sunday, she will go with my husband in the evening for shopping leaving the baby with me - so it will be me who will be taking care of teh baby all day and night while she goes and eats in Indian restaurant and all. With all these, I got a little wild after watching it for 2 months and turned around. Until then I was very polite as I thought she is helping me and I dont have my Mom. Knowing that she is sneaky, I started to answer her back and and not talk to her properly sometimes. She also became bad and 6 months got over and she went back to India. Since I am also working when we wanted her to come to our house for helping us, my inlaws said to my husband taht they will come to US only if my husband makes seperate stay arrangements - like renting an apartment for them as they said they can not stay with me! I told my husband, worse becomes worst, I will leave my job and take care of the baby - but wont like this idea. Somehow, I kept my job and brought up my child - now 5 and I have anotehr child almost 1 and a half myself; During the second delivery, I told my husband not to ask them for help as I said even though it will be physically demanding, I will not be mentally troubled; And I was really happy with my second child with no postpartum blues while I had so much depression when my first child was born even though the baby was as perfect and cute as anybody can imagine. Now after 5 years, my husband wants to call them for 3 months visit and they are very much interested; They both like US and they like to visit all the places here and buy whatever they can to their daughter and family back in India. What should I do? Now I have a great relationship with my husband since we are married for 6 + years. I dont want to have unnecessary problems with my husband just because of these three months. Pleas advice anu replied. boons
i am glad thw way you are positively taking the suggestions.

And dont feel bad or blame yourself for not understanding things. I think most women go thru this during their first baby. There are so many mental and physical changed happening to the lady, plus the responsibility of new born ... no one can undstd what we are going thru ... not even the MIL who has had kids. We tend to forget the pains after a while.

You know, I have 2 elder sisters and i have been with their kids since they were born. My mom, sis were always there to guide me. But i too have faced probs like u ... for ex, everybody is going out and the kid hasnt slept in noon so will get cranky. I too have faced exactly this.

I just learnt handling things like this over time. I felt, we women someimes exaggerate things too much. We go too much into details, think too much about something.

And we lose those small moments of happiness waiting for some big moment of happiness to come.

Now a days this is what i do. I take care of kids to my best, but I enjoy life whenever there is a chance. If my MIL/hubby agrees to take care of cranky kid outside the house, i join them. If they dont, i stay at home with the kid, put him to sleep, and enjoy a movie with some delicious snacks!

U r luckier. Ur MIL is coming their temporarily, my MIL is always with us and is no help. Your MIL loved the baby to the extent of calling herslf MOM ... when i delivered the baby, my MIL only used to cook food and manage guests. Everything about the baby - i would do. She never cleaned his potty or changed the clothes or even held the baby. I would get so damn tired. In my second delivery, I replaced her with 2 maids! They were more help than this so called 'family person'.
There were even more problems she had created. I can only say that your MIL seems better than mine in this respect ;-)

dont worry, dont take things too seriously, everything is manageable.

Just enjoy life. swati replied. thank you for the response.
i think your inlaws r not dependent financially on u guys. Cos most of them r especially if they r back home in India. And, remember even if inlaws r wealthy they do expect to buy stuff etc from their son. I know people whose inlaws r well off but when they visit US, sons r expected to spend money on restaurants, trips, shopping even if everything is available in India. Many r smart that they dont expect sons to send money on a monthly basis but make sure that when they visit, they make the son spend it all- 'paise wasool'. They look good by saying that they dont ask their son to send money but on the other hand make their son spend it all on a visit. These inlaws visit yearly too and extract money(by shopping etc) for the whole year in one visit. Yours r visiting after 5 years - so u need to compromise. As for your SIL, your inlaws would probably buy stuff for her cos SIL's husband or her inlaws would most likely expect it. Yes, its unfair that she doesnt buy anything for your kids but dont stoop to her level. They probably think that u and your kids have access to these nice things like toys/clothes which r prob better than what u get in India. It is annoying and i agree with what u said but again, u need to let go. This is pretty minor. Nother thing, dont just run to your husband and announce that u r all excited abt the inlaws coming over. Be neutral- dont b overexcited. Cos if u r so happy abt their visit- yes your husband would b impressed but at the same time the visit mite b extended too since he(your husband) now thinks u r ok with their visit. swati replied. From your posting it seems that your husband does care abt u and the childrens' well being. And, even if he did pay more attetion to his mom during her prior visit thats ok. That was MIL's first visit and MILs generally do feel left out and the sons have to pay extra attention to them especially the first time they interact with DILs. It takes time to accept the fact there is some1 else in their son's life. And am glad your husband did take her out etc. Otherwise she would be filling his ears from India. Now, that MIL thinks that son is under her control, u can b at peace. It was a matter of 6 months only and they havent showed up since- a longtime indeed. ANd let them spend the money- it doesnt matter cos if u dont let them u will b blamed and not your husband. Some inlaws visit yearly or even every 6 months. Moreover, when they wanted a seperate apt., they never got one. U told your husband that u would b uncomfortable to have MIL come over for the second child's delivery, he agreed. So, u should have no worries. They r here temporarily (that too after 5 years)and not permanent. Even if your husband spends xtra time with them or buys them stuff - just let him. He seems to b sensible and u guys have a strong family unit. anu replied. boons -
Excuse me for giving strightforward opinion, but this is what i felt after reading your mail.

I am also a DIL, staying in India and I had my MIL with me during my first delivery. I know how much help a MIL can be, you would be surprised to hear that my SIL had advised me to call up 'someone from my family' for help during delivery!

Anyways.
I felt you are being a little too aggressive about the matter/about your MIL.
Most of MILS are possessive, complaining etc etc.

But I want you to look at the positives, more so because they are coming temporarily.

At least she took care of your baby in evenings. It is mom's primary duty to take care of the baby, you should be glad she was there in evenings. So you did not get time to interact with hubby during those days. So what? You could have adjusted timings with hubby by talking to him. It was just a matter of some time right? It was your need, not hers, remember. She is MIL and not mother.
So what if she went out with her son on weekend evenings? Would u not like to, if you visit your son? And i believe, at that time you were not supposed to go out/eat out. So i dont see anything wrong if they freaked out. She was not their just to serve you, she has her own life too.

So what if she addressed herself as 'mommy' to the baby? Come on dear ... it must be just out of love or extreme happiness. Imagine a mother holding her son's son! I dont see anything wrong intentions there. Assuming her intentions were good, it means she would love the kid dearly, and it wd have only helped you when you would do job and leave kid with MIL. And assuming her intentions were not so good, so what .. she was there just for some period, not permnant.

Bottom line, she was definitely some help in the delivery and if that asks you for something to adjust, you should be doing that. I know there are no servants in US and it is always better to have someone.

Lastly, your hubby is inviting them for just 3 months. I think its ok. They are his parents!
Had your parents behaved like that with your hubby, would you still refuse them to come for 3 months? Would you not expect your hubby to adjust saying its a small time?

These are relations of life. They cannot be broken or left out. And you have no right to break bonds between parents and their son. Nobody is expecting you to stay with them forever. Just adjust for 3 months.

Sorry if i sounded rude. I just want u to count the blessings.
anu