Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello,
Just came from my sister's marriage and want to vent out my anger here..
When we were looking for prospective grooms for my sister.. we came across this family who have 3 daughters and 2 sons.. their daughters are all professional. They said that we dont want anything from you and also said that we understand the problems of a girls parents as we have married 3 of our daughters. Also, since all their daughters are working we thought that these people will understand my sisters problems as a working woman and so we accepted the proposal. Also, they said that they dont accept anything from the brides house and will not use it.
But, a few days before marriage they said that they want us to do \";milni\"; and to our surprise they also told that amount and number of packets like - 30 packets of 500,30 of 251, 50 of 100 and 50 of 50. They had some other demands now and then. Even when at the time of marriage \";hijras\"; came they forced my dad to give them money.. although the groom side always pays them. Now and then some one or the other of the family kept on complaining that we have given only 100 rupees for a ritual whereas they expected 500 and so on...
I tried to talk sense to them.. but my parents pleaded me to keep quiet and let the marriage go on peacefully.
and when my cousins asked for money for juta churai.. they said that jab humne koi demand nahi ki to tum log kyun kar rahe ho..
what do they call demand.. isnt that stupid milni amount a demand. and several notes given on several rituals a demand.
i so badly want to change all this.. will we (including my sister) be able to respect these people now? They made my father cry by their ruthless comments on the amount given on some rituals .. and they say that they did not have a demand... I will never forgive them.
and i hope GOD punishes them for making my father cry.. I hope GOD punishes all thise people who have made the girl and her parents cry like that.
I hope our generation as a whole will be more sensible and these horrible rituals are going to end with this generation.
I myself pledge to sincerely not trouble anybody on my sons marriage and see to it that none of my relatives are doing so too. to diversity gal replied. Strange!!u both spell religion as relegion..HeHe swati replied. First of all the term dowry is being misused by greedy inlaws. I think dowry was given to brides cos they didnt have share in ancestral properties and did not work either. It was a gift given by her parents and not demanded.
Women need to standup for themselves cos our parents also agree to demands cos of the generation gap. Why give dowry especially when laws have changed- women have right to inherit property and they work too.
Now that there r laws against dowry and the famous 'nisha sharma' case- people r a bit reluctant to ask for dowry directly. But yes inlaws have turned smarter by demanding indirectly.
Inlaws will tell u abt how many people they will have for milni and ofcourse cash is expected for milni. Milni even includes people they dont interact with anymore. Plus the mithai should come from a certain store only. Then they will comeup with different rituals. We have this ritual or that. The wedding should take place in this or that hotel and we will have 1000 guests. If u r so concerned abt the bride and her family, then no1 but only the immediate family members should show up. Why dont u share the expenses??Inlaws even brainwash their son abt how the neighbor's daughter's wedding was lavish or how a cousin sister got married. They will tell stories abt neighbor's to their son about how the brides' parents gave so much jewellery/car etc. The wedding took place in such and such hotel. So many guests were invited. My inlaws were even smarter. As soon as the wedding date was fixed and my father gave the rite to my FIL to look for hotels since he was visiting India, he even had the guts to book 2 hotels under his name without letting us know. We found out thru the hotel that that day was booked under another NRI with the same name. FIL's and my dad's names r similar. FIL was playing smart so that we couldnt say that it was booked or comeup with an excuse. FIL even told my mom that he needs to maintain his 'standard' and my family needs to buy nice clothes for me. And, u should check out what they gave me for my wedding. Talking abt juta chupai, my FIL had a petty sum for my sis. And all my cousins started asking for more cos i told my sis to do so. FIL gave a pack of notes to my husband which had Rs.500 note rite on top and Rs.100 and then Rs.10 notes at the bottom. So, the son thinks the notes r just Rs.500 only. And as soon as my husband took out dollars, FIL came running and put the money back in his wallet. But, anyways my husband was nice enuff to give away whatever he had after FIL went away. Like they look so innocent to their son. Always give infront of son- whenever they visit us in the US my inlwas always bring good things for me and nothing for their son.And if they bring a chek its in his name only- like i dont get it. And, all the jewellery u r given make sure u bring it with u and not give it to your MIL. My mom gave my husband a draft at Sagan and my MIL saw an envelope and put it in her bag. But i made sure that my husband saw it. It would have gone unnoticed by my husband otherwise. There's another trick used by MILs: i will give u my eg here- we went to MIL's brother's place where MIL cheked out the gifts we had bot for them. Then, MIL came running to my mom and told her indirectly that my mom needs to give cash - 'hamari izzat mein hi apki izzat hai' and she even had an envelope for my mom (i am sure it was a fake envelope with no money in it). So, obviously my mom would take cash out and give it to her relatives. They would never do this infront of their son.
Now, my parents dont send my inlaws anything just to me and my husband.
And one needs to b careful abt those who say 'we dont want dowry'. Because thats how brides'family gets carried away.
Finally, we need to post mesages to major newspapers like TOI or Hindustan times.
This would make people aware. DiversityGal replied. The whole concept behind women giving dowry is SO WRONG. There are better relegions and ways of life to follow then the one you lead now. It is sad and oppressive. I just can't believe you guys accept this way of life and impose it on each other and your own daugthers etc. Posting after posting it is the same thing everywhere. Inlaws complaining about not getting enough, daughter in laws treated bad because of it, daughter in laws family in grief, and the GIRL is the one leaving her home and paying such a terrible price for it. I live in America and am not Hindu. It is terrible to succomb to this way of life and impose it again on your own family and the cycle just goes on. The guy should PAY FOR the wedding and give a generous gift to the lady he is going to marry, after all he is the provider and the girl is leaving her home to be with him. He is the man, he should pay. My parents will pay for my both my brother's wedding and he will be expected to give her a dowry and it will be expected from the guy's family to spend on the girl who is leaving her home to live with my parents and my sister's soon to be husband will pay for her wedding and all else. Men are the caretakers of women so let them pay and give a gift for gaining them in marriage. It is the way of the world. It is the way it is amongst many other cultures and relegions, especially here in America.

Pray for guidance.

So sad...




Pooja replied. We are 4 sisters and all of us are professionals. I hated this funda of dowry and milni and %#$! I am totaly against dowry. When I was getting married, same thing happened. My inlaws said, aapne kutch to \";sankalp\"; kiya hoga beti ki shaadi ke liye, woh de deejiye. Sabko paise deejiye...touch everybodys feet including small kids, my father felt so bad while doing this. After somtime my papa refused to touch anyone's feet. I hate this all. After my marriage, same things - money, money money. But now I am firm. Whatever gifts my inlaws give me, I donot take it, I refuse to accept anything from them, I donot talk with them, I donot respect them. I hate them, I can feel the intensity which you are having now. I just hate this all.... I have fought with my husband so many times in the same issue. Now my inlaws donot talk to me about money...they know if the utter even a single word, I will shout and fight. I make sure nobody messes with me.... tell your sister to be firm on her grounds, to let your inlaws know that she is against dowry, by not taking things they give to her, this shows her sister's self respect.... I donot even drive my husband's car... its not mine.....

I know your sister will work...tell her to stand on her own...not to cooperate a lot with her inlaws... as then they will think that she is unke neeche...

silver replied. Misunderstandings r common in indian marriage and groom side fellows will be greedy in those things...

Pl dont ever discuss with your sister again and again which might spoil her impression towards them and she would become blind in her love for her parents and might argue with groom for these minude things...which might result in his disbelief in her!

Just forget 'bout issues and marriage expenses and if they demand any further ,Take care not to entertain...Be firm! anna replied. Had i heard this before your sis marriage, i would have suggested not to accept it and give it back to them loud and clear.

But lets face the facts now. Sis is married and we dont want to create any troubles in her life. Secondly, was the total sum they demanded too much ..? i mean, like in lakhs something like a dowry? If it was lesser, assume that some extra expenditure happens in a marriage and forget it.

But speaking in general ... i find the entire indian marriage system stinking. Its high time we females should try and change it. So many packets of milni? Bullshit.

If i put myself in place of such people - as an educated and working female like them (!) - where we try and return every small obligation from friends/relatives - this was like asking for bheekh!

Dont they have some little self-esteem ?
Disgusting.

dont let this happen in your marriage.

anna