Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,I have posted here before about my pathetic in-laws.I have a supportive and understanding hubby.He loves me a lot.Only for my sake he does not talk much with his parents and he has been talking to them in a very dry manner for the past one year.This bcoz i fell sick due to stress mainly and bcoz i feel insecure and start arguing with him whenever he shows too much concern and love thro his words for them.I know what i have been doing is wrong.In fact for the past few months we have been arguing almost everyday bcoz they are going for visa soon.
I know in all this my hubby is least to blame but i become uncontrollable when i even listen to his mum's voice nowadays.She has been pretty mean to me in the past.
Now yesterday amongst one of our fights my husband broke down.He started crying and told me he loves me but he loves his parents also.He said he does not talk with them properly anymore,is not able to show love bcoz he is scared that i will start fighting with him over this.He said he fears that they will die someday and he will repent that he could not do anything for them.
I felt terrible for my husband and felt ashamed at what i have been doing.
But all this while i he used to tell me he was ok with living in India or USA.He told me it did not matter to him as long as he had a good job.Now yesteday when he broke down he told me there eas something he had lied about and wanted to confess about it.He was afraid that i will start screaming.Finally he told me,it was this:He wants to go back to India within 4/5 yrs after he completes his studies(he is going to start MBA soon here)He says he likes it better in India and that there is so much loneliness here.He wants to finish off his loans and go back.
I asked him if the main reason was his parents are there and he says no that is only 25% of the reason.He says i should not worry bcoz he wants to go and settle in Mumbai(I am from Mumbai and my parents live there) and his parents are from North India.He says they will never come and live with us,that he will just keep visiting them and that is all.I was upset after hearing this as i have many friends who's husband's don't mind living here for longer.I thought my hubby was one of them.I told him i feel insecure now and then later he said not to worry about all this as this is 6-7 yrs from now.But i cannot help it friends.Worrying is in my nature and now i am sleepless.I stay up and keep thinking that he wants to go back for his family and they will live with us etc.
My hubby later said...maybe situation might change and that he might start likeing it here.Maybe if we are in a big city he might change his mind.He said when kids come people take a u-turn in their career sometimes and maybe his likes/dislikes might change.I donno of he is saying this just to please me now.He even said that since i fight with him so much he does not like USA anymore and feels in the end he will have neither a wife's love nor anything else.
I promised him that now whenever he talks with his parents i will listen to music or something so that i do not hear anything and he can talk lovey-dovey to them.He also requested one more thing that i should let him stay alone when he is in his city with his family.I always stay all the time when he is with them and so he feels restricted.I do so bcoz i do not trust his parents,they are high on emotional blackmailing and making him feel bad for them.His mum even complains about me,my looks,my nature and my parents.My hubby says i should just trust him.I am franly not ready to leave him alone there,what do you all think i should do?
Coming back to the USA/India debate,It is not that i love this country too much friends.In fact i always wanted to settle down for good in Mumbai as that's my home-city,but i donno why him sayng all this has made me insecure and sad.I feel like as soon as he completes his degree he will keep looking for offers and Gid forbid someone falls sick there,we will have to leave everything and move.I know my thinking is a little mean,but i was not always like that.I hate being in this uncertain siuation.I am not able to think short-term and be happy,i need security.
Friends please advice me.Also how many of you.your husbands want to return.How many of you are in a similar situation?
Thanks a lot friends,
Sarika saheli replied. Sarika,
Remember one thing that any relationship takes time. It will take you years to have a good undertanding with ur husband and even with in-laws. u will be surprised to know that they will learn to live with you too.
My in-laws live with me and gave me so much trouble. They and my hubby were mean to my parents too who were visitng. But all these years I stuck to my guns. I had 2 children which again began a host of issues as they felt the authority on my kids. But slowly and gradually they have learnt to take the back seat in the house. I take all the decisions related to my kids. Now when I don't like something I mention it to them. I feel I have earned that.
In this age old hostility between in laws and DIL's eventually you the DIL will emerge as winner.
If you try to work out your relationship with ur in-laws no matter how mean they are, u will be a successful wife. U have to give in being a woman but make sure to not give in completely. You will be a failure as wife if your husband's relationship with his parents is ruined. So let him go. He will come back to you. If you hold him tight u will choke this relationship.
I use to look towards my husband for happiness. Now I try to create my own happiness in my own world. I just leave him with his parents and go out do what I got to do. Now he comes tagging along coz he realized that he has fun with me and kids and not his parents who bore him with stupid talks.
But remember this takes years but in the end you will be victorious. You will suffer the mental trauma I agree but it will teach you big important lessons in life and make you a better individual.
This tiff with in-laws has made me a more mature person for sure and I am proud to say that inspite of everything I never shouted yelled or fought with them, I never asked my husband to sever ties with them and maintained a distant but pleasant relationship with all his sisters.
I never try to be too close to them but always polite but I always do what I want to do. I made sure of that. Amidst all this commotion and turmoil, I make sure that my job gets done and my things get done. That is life!
So just hang in there and try to everything politically correct. Forget the fairness or unfairness of the deal, this is the deal you got so deal with it. DIAS replied. Hi Sarika,
I read ur reply to anitha too.
Don't worry too much...by the words u said..I could know ur hubby to be good enough and ur inlaws moves will never work out...even if they want you both to seperate(but I dont think they r that mean...)

But,Anyway I agree with you ...The thought of living with inlaws is so scaring that we'll loose ourselves in thoughts! PArticularly,when they r so cunning...

But don't think too much...Try being good with ur in-laws though it's difficult.Start urself a job and ur mind never care whats going on...
I too used to think like you till a year back...But later I could find some job and now, I'm not at all caring anything and My mind is real fresh ,though no miracle happened with my in-laws mentality and my hubby's obeying nature with them...

When we both talk to my in-laws...i talk so swwwwwweeeet and I really started seeing only positive no negatives in them...so that I cud win over them and my hubby now believes me I'm not a bad DIL who seperate them...

My hubby too spoilt relations with my parents ,after last vacation...I know all the dramas my in-laws played to destroy my hubby's relation with my parennts...Then I too lost my respect towards them and later realised...It's not un-common.And fault is with my hubby to listen whatever they tell him...

So after getting a job..I simply started ignoring my hatredness towards them and started talking so sweet to them...
Meanwhile I too started brain washing slowly to make him little matured to believe what he see and not what he hear....Even now,I'm not confident that my hubby will support me if he gets any complaints...but I dont care because after all , he will never leave me and slowly I can restore him...But strongly decided myself not to argue with him anymore which makes situation worse.I know some dy he is gonna be mine !So no worries!!


SO Sarika,All I can tell you is to be sweet with those old couple(i-laws) and make ur hubby urs forever with ur peace mind and positive attitude.
DEfinitely ur hubby will love you more and more...

Try it and REMEMBER -this is not for ur inlaw's sake...This thinking makes you happy , peaceful and confident in being good wife...BEST OF LUCK! Anita replied. Try and see if this helps you in any way...
No matter what you think about your In-Laws after all you have your husband becuase of them. They are YOUR in-laws but your husbands parents. Do this role reversal in your brain ( I have and believe me I have a great respectful relations with my in laws).
How would you feel if your brother's wife wants your brother to treat your parents they way your husband is lately treating his parents because of you. I am sure you don't want to see your brother and your parents relation to go sour.
In this process of hating your in-laws majority of girls forget the fact that in-laws are your husbands parents and it is very sad that they have to behave certain way because of mental agony they go with their wives. You don't have to care about them ( if you prefer) but restricting your husband that basic human right is just not ethical and right.
And you know what they say \";What goes around comes around\"; and down 25-30 years you might be in your in-laws shoes with your son and his wife and rest history will repeat itself. And being a new mom to a beatiful baby, I surely don't want my son to have to think twice before calling me because of the women who came to his life in last few years. Make clear to your husband your feeling and intentions, but don't rob him of his parents afterall he goes long way back with them many many years before he knew you.
Anita
Think with cool mind and you will realize how petty you can make your life by indulging in these kind of thinking. your friend replied. It's me again.

I want you to understand two things. Firstly, only you can make your inlaws (enemies) feel so important. If you are not ready to give them importance in your mind, it will automatically generate in your life. Your In-Laws are as important as you want them to be. Just don't consider them or think about them. It doesn't matter. Enjoy your life. you are in the states. a land full of opportunities and fun. And you are young and healthy. Get out of the rut and do something to occupy your mind. Make friends.

Second thing is \"; Living well is the best revenge\";. Live a good life, enjoy each and everyday. Go out and have fun. Pay attention to your appearance, your house, your own mum and dad and close friends and family.

The in-laws are just that - in-laws. They are your hubby's parents/siblings and his problem. Let him think/worry about them. why do you take stress. Cut copy paste this message of mine and read it to yourself. If you look objectively, you will realise that you are ruining your youth by being so negative!
Youa re young and healthy, enjoy thisz life. If you come around your in-laws be yourself. You are an NRI. Most people dream of being one. Enjoy your vistis to India. As each day passes, you are becoming more and more master of your life and family. Be positive and look at the bright side of things. In-laws are old, they don't even last that long anyway!
Be postive and look at bright sides-you will see the chnage in your life automatically! Sweety replied. sarika, u r lucky enough to get such understanding.All of our Indian DILs suffer from in-laws but many of theirhubbies r that matue enough to understand what his wife going thru.

So Pl don't nag him toomuch.He might turn negative and then ur situation becomes even worse...
But tell him not to make u leniant in front of them by entertaining complaints etc...

I too am ready to settle here in USA, and even ready to miss my parents and all dear ones , for securing lovelife of me and my hubby.
But I never express that because he might not even consider staying herte if he knows what I'm thinking...
Hattsoff Saheli ...u defined DIL's situation exactly .. \";have this tendency too to worry what my inlaws next move will be\";

Yes ,I too worry 'bout their next move which will show impact on my poor sentimental hubby(I know how they do it! ) ...And for which it takes me months to restore him back!!

Already my hubby spoilt good relation ship with my parents because of their dramas. I dont want to loose his love ...so feeling so insecured 'bout their moves...

So Sarika, saheli replied. Hi Sarika,
You remind of a friend here who had the exact same story as yours. I am not in touch with her right now though. She was as insecure as you are as her inlaws treated her bad. She never allowed her inlaws to come here even though they asked for forgiveness. First her husband begged to have a relationship with his parents and finally he was so cold towards her. He did'nt care for her after that. They both lived under the same roof in this huge house but like complete strangers. She lost all the goodness in her relationship with her husband due to her stubborness.
But ur husband still loves you so much. I am surprised that being an Indian he cares for you this much. So don't ruin this relationship. Cherish it... U don't know what you have.

4-5 yrs is a long time to start worrying from now. Who knows what will happen in future. My inlaws live with me here and have ruined everything I cherished or cared for. Anyway now I don't care anymore.
But for you, don't restric ur husband in talking to his parents. Don't show this much hatred for them too coz slowly maybe he will start blaming you for everything. So keep calm. I can understand that they were mean but u r married to your husband who really cares and loves u. So don't bother about his parents. Let him talk to them, when he visits India let him spend time with them. They are his parents so he will always love them no matter what. So just move to the backstage when he is dealing with his family.
Don't keep so much pressure on him for everything. Believe me if he feels guilty about not loving and caring for his parents enough, he will not be happy with you either.
Future is so uncertain so don't delve into it. I have this tendency too to worry what my inlaws next move will be. Now i don't care anymore. I try to be in my world and totally deny their existence in this small world that I have.
Relax and enjoy your relationship! You don't realize how lucky you are to have a husband like that...
Take Care and try to enjoy your life!
Saheli your friend replied. Sarika,

You remind me of myself. I too constantly worry abt what i think will happen in the future!
See, dear girl, 4-5 years is a long time. You never know what direction your life will take by then.
I think you are lucky to have an affectionate husband who supports you and tries to please you. But i know of many instances where too much restrictions can really destroy a marriage. Let your husband be. give him space. Let him talk to / be with his folks. He sounds mature enouhg to me and you can be sure that if you give him time and respect his wishes he will appreciate you more and try to please you.

Tomorrow, you will have kids and you will realise that you always want to be remembered by them. While, i don't think that you owe your in-laws any thing, you can ignore them etc. But let your husband show them his concern.
I used to also get insecure and affected when my husband got calls from his folks, or talked to them. but, slowely, wiht time, i am learning to deal with it. I still maintain my distance from them, but i let my husband be. He respects my wishes and i respect his.
As, for your moving back to India, be nice to your husband and show him a good time, instead of nagging him and fighting with him. Let him finish his MBA. Maybe, with the way India is growing, he might get some very good offers there. Or, maybe both of you will decide to keep your children there itself.
Maintain your distance from your in-laws, but give your husband space.