Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi everyone,I am posting for the first time here.
My story is same like almost everyone here.Mil tortured me with her words and sarcastic remarks whenever i was with her.Fil demanded dowry.
They both do not tire from emotionally blackmailing their son every time he calls them.Mil says she raised them with dfficulty so now she should live with us and reap the rewards.
His bro is also in usa and plans to never go back because his wife's family lives here.They don't seem to mind that but are always after my hubby to come back.
Now the problem is i see a change in my hubby everytime he is left alone to talk with them.I had gone to india for a month and he was here and when i came back he had changed so muchHe behaved like a different guy.I know they fill his ears against me as i have seen this happenening in the past and because of this i am scared as hell now to go anywhere or leave him alone with them.When i am around they can hardly say anything.
The problem is that my sister is getting married in india in june this year.Hubby will be going to india as it is to meet his family around the same time.His parents live in a different state.We are from Mumbai.
When my bro in law got married last year,my mom in law made my life hell with all the dowry comments.I did'nt enjoy at all and my parents also felt insulted.Even for my marriage i was always sad as i had realized what i had got into.
Now she is my only sister and i want to enjoy her marriage. I do not want them to come to Mumbai for the wedding.I know this might create problems and hubby will feel bad but i have tried explaing to him and he says it's ok.They have no one else in Mumbai and so if they come they will stay with us and make all our lives hell.I think i deserve to be happy on at least one occasion with my family.
How do you think i can avoid them from coming.
My second problem is whenever we go to india i go with hubby and stay with inlaws for the entire period and after hubby leaves i stay a little while at my place. This is mainly because i do not want them to be together when i am not around.I stay in my room and give them space but i know my in laws too well to leave my hubby alone with them.They talk about me,my family and make him cry by repeating that he was in her stomach for 9 months!!!
Now since the wedding is in Mumbai,my hubby will attend it and later want to go to his parents place.He says it's ok if i go for just 2/3 days and come back to Mumbai and spend time with family.I want to be there for the wedding preparations and few days after marriage also.I don't want to be in another city when my whole family meets after so long.At the same time i am so so scared to leave him alone there. I know they are his parents but believe me when i say they can change this man in days.
I need some solutions friends. Please advice me how to divide my time and what to do to solve this problem.The only solution i see is we go to india,visit his family,stay for a month and then after he leaves we have the wedding.I'll miss him at the wedding but at least i will have peace of mind and be happy.
Please give me your valuable opinions.
I just wish life was normal and happy and healthy(i have lost my health in these 4 years die to stress) replied. What do you mean writing such advices on this board is not good ? Just like we dils put up with hare brained inlaws why can't you guys put up with our so called fallacious advices. adithi replied. i fully agree with all the girls that this site helps you to keep your sanity intact i dont feel all the advices given are biased I am really grateful to all the friends here who spare their precious time. I appreciate Mr Raghu's point of view too
Ifeel instead of bothering ure parents with all these problem its better to share it here sam replied. Dear Raghu

I agree to most things you have mentioned, but I dont agree to your advise for not looking for advises in this message board. If you re-look at the messages, you will find that

1. The advises you have given to Sandhya and she has received from others/me are not much different.

I respect you as you are elder to us and hv much more experience in life than us. But if you observe - you, an elderly male ... and me, a younger DIL who has sufferred MILs tantrums ... have both suggested her to open up heart, share love, and count the blessings.

2. It is thru this message board only u cd suggest a needy person like Sandhya to read books. Had she not reached out here for help, how wd u have suggested her? :)

I agree, however, that one should avoid sharing personal information. I also agree that the suggestions may not be always appropriate. Lets hope that people like u are always around to reply if someone puts up a wrong advise.
But in general if someone wants to share a problem, that should be ok till it doesnt sound specific (simply put, if my hubby reads this sight, he will not know if i hv posted a message :)

sam Raghu replied. Hello Sandhya,
(I love the name Sandhya because one of my daughter's name is Sandhya!!)
The discussions read in this message board is heartening me. The first thing I would advise you as my daughter is that such personal family feuds being shared in a common board with somebody not known to each other is not advisable. I sincerely advise to you not to divulge anymore personal information about yourself and your family which is being watched and read by many good and bad people around the world.

I understand your problems which is quiet common in every Indian family. Life is short, before you turn and look back everything will vanish. Like this, your so called problems in your family will vanish. Try to enjoy the life by picking the good things coming on your way and ignore the bad things. I know it is difficult but try your will succeed.
Dont feel that your in-laws are your problems. They are the members of your good family. The ultimate problem is LOVE for each other and being possesive to keep it only for ones ownself. Love is to be shared among everyone. I think this is lacking in your family like many others in our Indian families. You love everyone in your family without any expectation and you will reap the results later.
After all your in-laws are the first ones to love your hubby and when you come to love him and share his love, the trouble started among yourselves. Think a while, how long your in-laws will be with you and your hubby. May be some more years (MIL and FIL) before they attain the lords feet. After that you are the sole partner for your hubby and there will be no one to stop you. I think your hubby tries to balance between you and your parents and it is a hectic job for any man. At this point, you should cooperate with him and make him happy without any reluctance to his act for his parents. Whatever he spends for his parents should be within your income and budget and you should take care that he should not go for a loan to satisfy his parents and that too in a polite way to convince him. You should know something that any husband will always gives top priority to his wife and children and they may not be visible but could be seen in the length of the life time. Think a while, only a wife will stay with a man for a longer period than anybody in the world. If you really love your hubby, please make him happy by supporting his feelings which is primarily important. Otherwise your pressures against his parents may have negative impact in your happy family life. Dont try to play any game to make him your puppet, it will have adverse effect at any point of time.

I think you need some good books to read to understand family relations and the goal and what is real happiness in life. I don't know the reference books in english or in your language since I only know such good books in my tamil language. Please check in book shops to have a copy. Books are the only best friend to exchange your problems and to resolve your problems but not this message board. You can find many good things in the books which will be helpful for your family life. Please dont ignore this advise.

I suggest you to relax your mind and feel comfortable since happiness lies within yourself and I fear you should not loose because of this temporary family feud. I write all this out of my personal experience in my life.

Good luck my dear child.

Raghu
Sandhya replied. Thanks 'your friend' for the advice.I need to stop feeling bad when he wishes to buy jewelery for his mom.The problem is that is the only thing that women enjoy the most when given as gifts.
Actually i love the idea of going together with her and hubby to the jewelery store.That way she too might not go for something way out of our budget when i am around and we can get something which she likes if she is selecting.
Thanks for the help,
Sandhya Sandhya replied. Thanks so much Sam,your advice is excellent. I am going to try all this.
You are right he is too attached to them and always turns a blind eye to their mistakes.
I can understand how irritating it must be for you at times to have your Mil live with you,but you are lucky to have a supportive husband and lucky to be independent.
I think i need to stop fighting with him all the time about his parents and as you have advised involve him more with me so that he thinks of me first.
I hate to have sex with him for weeks after an argument and that has hampered our relationship of late.
I do cook everything he likes.
I am doing my bachelors in liberal studies so i won't get a good job after that and i will have to go for MS in some lucrative field.
He is going to do his MBA and sometimes i feel so scared that he will change when he starts going to college or when he starts earning more...meaning what if he become egoistic.The worse part is i always wanted him to do it.
Another thing i worry is i am 2 yrs older than him and he looks so young.I am very goodlooking but in the last one year bcoz of all the stress i have lost my health and have started to look older and tired all the time.He on the other hand was never good looking but he is getting smarter by the day. I know all this sounds horrible and too much insecurity on my part but this is what has become of me.
i will keep in mind about the gifts.I will give the in-laws more gifts this time.
You are really a very kind person Sam.It's really nice of you to go out of your way and give your time to advice me.May God Bless you friend and keep you and your family happy and safe always.
Thanks a lot,
Sandhya sam replied. hi
- Try to keep inlaws away from USA.
Start working on 'winning the hubby'. Be true and honest, not cunning, u r fighting for right thing. Had ur MIL been alone in India, i wd hv suggested to get her there.

- i live in delhi, married 7 yrs now. Have a 4 yr old son. MIL stays with us but has her own whims like all other MILs.

- i think ur hubby is too attached to parents. I feel it wd not be worthwhile to expect him to change too much. If he does little for ur parents and expects more from u, why not do it! Call them 3 times/week instead of 2 ... but make a point to forget MILs hurting comments as soon as u put down the phone. Just do ur duty and forget it.

A little suffering will be there in everybody's life, right? Be happy its only on phone. I face it live.

Gradually drive hubby away from the family thoughts. This is possible if he gets involved more in his family-with-you. If u hv decided not to hv kids now, make sure u two are spending happy times together, and make sure that he/his mind is busy. Shopping/movies/calling friends/go to friends/go out of town for holidays/some special times together/whatever works for u.

There are 2 special ways to win a man's heart. As we say in hindi "dil ka rasta pet se ho kar jata hai". And the second way is well u know it ;-) Try both of these.

- I think u shd try to be an earning person as early as possible. I m not asking to leave your masters, i leave it to u how to work it out.
Once u "win" him + start earning + u 2 get settled with each other that way, i think u will have a stand to say "No" when he says he is bringing them to US.

- about ur SIL's marriage, i wonder if it would be possible to avoid your in-laws visit, thinking from Society's point of view. They might also insist they want to come. If u can avoid, nothing better!
Regarding gifts for your inlaws - i meant these are the gifts we generally share when there is a marriage in the family. And elder daughter's inlaws are definitely gifted. See if u can make these gifts more in number/costlier. Do not put burden on ur parents, see if u can share it with/without talking to ur hubby. I always save some cash money unknown to my hubby and i plan to help my lonely mother back in my hometown.

- hatred & ego is the root cause of most spoilt relations. We, humans, take things to heart so much that we have forgotten to forgive and love. Your MIL might be bad, but dont hate her so much. She is not a terrorist, just a normal human who is little good but more bad to u.
Hate where it is wrong, love where it is right.
Its not easy. I am saying this but i also hate my MIL for everything. Yet, i hv tried to change myself and succeeded!
When she buys things for my son, or when she cooks something for the family, i hate her. I ask myself why am i feeling bad? Its only the hatred in my heart which needs to be taken out.
"Tali ek haath se nahi bajti." We always expect that 'when other person shows love for u, u will also show love'. Why not take the first step? Why not try love her so much, so very much, care for her so much that your actions compel her to change her outlook? If she still doesnt change or understand, her badluck. But u will win ur hubby along the way.
There is only thing that can stop u from trying this. Your ego.

- buying jewelry!
Well, my hubby has never bought anything for anybody! Neither for mom, nor for me. :) But i get what u want to ask.

See, life is a juggle of lots of things. It is not possible to balance soooo many 'balls' for a person. I have taken out the ball of materialistic things from my list. "Sub maya hai". If my hubby does something special for his mom and not for me, i will still feel good.
Every child feels happy to buy things for parents who hv spent so much on them.
And I wd not feel bad because - i know my hubby wd take me for granted and think "wife can buy herself whatever she wants. My all money is hers. She can ask me whatever she wants. Also, she has me staying with her. I feel guilty for not doing anything for my mom ... i shd be taking care for her at this age. Chalo, at least let me buy her something she really likes".
'Jewelry' in your case can be substituted by 'time' in my case. My hubby spends lot of time with his mom. He has long working hours. He is also human and may not be able to decide how much time to spend with whom. So i dont think too much about it and "buy jwelery for myself", meaning, spend time on what i like. But i make sure to show it to him "see u are spending time with ur mom so i am going out ok? I m not complaining instead being positive and using time in better way"

let me know if these pointers help
sam sam replied. - You have not mentioned if you stay in US or somewhere apart from India
- Do you have kids?
- Are you working or totally dependant on hubby?
- Hows ur relationship with hubby? I mean, ur relationship with him is strong and friendly or weak, he supports u/parents, he is open with u or not etc etc

All this information is imp to share before seeking advice.

Here is what i think about ur case: There are some things u can do abt urself and some abt other people. Lets see what u can change abt u.

- I am assuming you share good relaitionship with ur hubby, he supports u at times but doesnt react much on the dowry thing or MILs tantrums.
I wd suggest, 'win' your hubby first. It means, u two should share such a strong bond, he should love u and adore u so much that he first thinks abt u and his family. This sounds like a \";trick\"; but is a fact. Love him so much, stop nagging him, stop questioning him, avoid speaking against his people, cook what he likes, show u sacrifice for him .. just make him v v happy!
Once he starts feeling he is dependant on u and cant do without u, he will start listening to u.

- Be financially independant. U hv some time in hand before u go back to India. Use this time to win hubby/start earning urself. Prepare him mentally, with love, to stay there for ever.

- Count ur blessings. U r a lucky one where u dont stay with in-laws. Ask girls like me who have their in-laws with them. If someone gives us option, we will say \"; if someone can arrange us staying away from in-laws, we are ready to talk to inlaws everyday on phone as a price! it is much better than having them live 24/7\"; :)
Ignore her talks and learn to live happy where u r. Its just on phone right?

- Asking for dowry is sick. Had i been in a position where MIL is taunting me about dowry, i would have talked loud and clear about it to everyone in house that you have sick thoughts and if i see anyone doing this again, i will capture evidence and go to Police.

Now - I would have done this because 1. my hubby supports me 100% 2. i am a working person and financially independant 3. i know there would be no un-desired serious impact of tlaking like this on me/my kids (sometimes inlaws and hubby beats up DIL and kids, throw them on roads etc etc)

- regarding sis marriage, i wd say start preparing 2 plans: one when your inlaws visit mumbai and second when they dont.
If they dont, then make sure they receive good gifts, phone calls etc from your 'family'. If they do, then talk to ur hubby what u should do in case they speak things infront of other people. Plan how u will react, what u will do, how u all will handle. Talk to elder family people, talk to dad/mom and assign some responsible people from family to always be around them, keep them busy and handle situation if they still speak anything to wrong people. Give them good hospitality.

hope this helps.
sam Hemangi replied. I can understand what you are undergoing. I dont know what is the problem with our indian men! Anyway just talk to your husband when he is in a good mood and tell him that you have always spent time with his family and you think of them as your own, similarly he should also empathise with you and let you spend time with your family during the wedding. Cook your hubby's fav dish, and plan an outing and then talk to him about this in a very nice manner.

As for not inviting your inlaws, hmm that might be problem and they might create trouble later. Try to tell your hubby that your house will be crowded with relatives and your inlaws may not be able to get any privacy and see if u can book a hotel. Atleast you wont have to deal with them in your parents house. I hope you get to spend time with your sis. I also have an only sis and i totally understand what you are undergoing.

Take care
Hemangi