Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Angelica - now u hv seen many of us are in the same boat. Me too. U must be feeling little bit drained and relieved i guess.
I would suggest you to note down all the suggestions u hv received and pick the one that suits you most. If u r earning, be brave and dont get dominated (psst ... why dont u also try skipping food and crying infront of hubby like MIL does?).

Friends - I hv a Q for all those who hv replied to Angelica.
We all are facing similar issue. We know these ILs wont change. But isnt there any final resolution to ease it down? What should be the right way to tackle this? For ages and ages DILs have been sufferring. Point to note, those DILs are today's MILs. Our MILs have also sufferred, then why do they do it with us? There is definitely something that makes them repeat the history.

So, will we be also like that when we grow old?

And, if this has to be, isnt there any solution? I always feel that it is the son/our husband who plays vital role. If he speaks firmly or does the right thing, problems should ease (they will never resolve 100% of course, but at least will keep a check on MILs and FILs).

For example, a son who is a Manager in office and instructs team of 50 people - why does he think it is unfair to ask parents to pick the banana peel? If they get angry, let them be. 2-3 times they will be angry, 4th time they will obey.

If mother is refusing to have food again and again, for once - let her be like that. She will cry and make a scene but will cool gradually. Dont we do this with kids?

Why the hell the sons not do anything damn it??
Why dont they speak up????

Do you also feel there is a solution like this that hasnt been tried out yet? Or there is no solution and this trend will end up in nuclear families?

nokia freakydesi replied. Hi guys,
I am so glad that atleast we are trying to find a solution to this issue and not just generally complaining.
As far as husbands are concerned,they are big jerks. So I stopped expecting my husband to do anything. It is so funny to see a 30 plus man hiding in his mom's saree. My mil and my husband almost look like husband wife to me. Their relationship is beyond me. When I read about Oedipus complex in school I did'nt believe it, but now I have to see it live everyday:)
I am like you guys romance around in whatever way possible but don't disturb me.
I think Angelica ur mil is a tantrum thrower coz she gets away with it. Why do u have to show any maturity when she does'nt. Why don't u throw a major tantrum when she throws one. You should also weep and sob and say all the nasty things to no one in particular but generally. Behave like her once and see if it works.Else to avoid a situation is to get out of it. Let ur husband handle her. U don't care. Its his mother so let him deal with her. Why do u care if she complains. I have learnt to ignore these people in my house. My mil keeps saying something and I just ignore and keep doing my own stuff.
How long will ur mil throw tantrums if she sees they have no effect.
Or talk to ur husband that she is a bad influence on ur kids. And u guys need to do something about it.
Or why don't u suggest ur husband on to take them out sometime, so that you get a break at home.

I have even come to a point now that I suggested my husband to sell the house and buy 2 condos and my inlaws and my husband live in one and I and my kids in another.
My goal is to have mental peace and I want to achieve it no matter what.
Forget about the fairness or unfairness of the deal. This is the deal you got so deal with it....
Its better to go with the flow untill there is something that u can't give up at all. Then put up a fight. You should know which battles to loose and which wars to win. That's the hardest part.
Husbands are complete jerks so no point in expecting them to say anything to their parents. I am like mess the house and do whatever u want, anyway you have ruined my relationship with my husband or any values and principles I cared about in life. There is nothing for me to loose now.

All I care about is my kids. And I make no compromise on them.
I told my mil the other day that they need some volunteer teachers in Chinmaya mission center so if she wanted to teach I will take her. She retorted back saying why don't u go and teach why are u asking me.
I was like all she wants to do is home politics and butting into our life. She does'nt want to get involved in any other thing.

There is car that comes to pickup indians for satsang. And there is another old lady in our neighbourhood who goes and she offers to take my mil but my mil tells her she only goes somewhere if her son cum husband takes her. I was like wow!
They want their son to spoonfeed them. Except for sex I think he does everything for her. They are SICKOS...

If my friends invite us for dinner, she will be inquiring from my friends whether her son will go for the party too..
Anytime we have to go somewhere, she will be like oh my son is also going with u? She will act surprised as to why he is going. He should be with me.

I think u can never win against them. Only thing is to carve a niche for ur self somewhere and just involve in kids and their activities.
Sorry there is no permanent solution. Only thing is to get out of the situation and try to live...
Its hard but we will only live once too.
Take Care and good luck!

Angelica replied. Hi Nokia,
This not the case of \";sas bhi kabhi bahu thee\";. In the olden days the bahus had to live in the MIL's house after marriage so she had to adjust to her ways and put up with her crap because she was in MIL's domain.Nowadays the MIL comes to live in the DIL's house but refuses to adjust to DIL's ways rather wants to take over as boss and make DIL do things her way. In the end the DIL is left without an area where she can express herself as herself in her own house be it cooking, bossing whatever! As for us DILS of USA who are in my situation we will never be able to live with our sons when they get married because that is just not done here in the USA and I would never want to do it or can do it. As it is my kids ask why do grandparents live with us None of our friends have their grandparents live with them! My youngest even says they are so mean I dread they will repeat it in front of inlaws they will accuse me of teaching it to them!Even when our american friends visit they ask my inlaws \";What you guys are still here?\"; My inlaws feel offended but they are horrified when I tell the friends thay are here till eternity and are not going anywhere!SO staying with our kids in old age is not an option for us.The fact is that the inlaws generation got away by escaping their responsibilty of taking care of their parents but they drilled it into their sons head that he must care for them in their old age. They blackmail him emotionally about this and the son feels helpless. This is the crux of the problem. It is not as simple as an age old saas bahu problem the scene is a bit different for bahus like me who live in the USA.