I have a mixed opinion on the problems you have stated. May not sound right to you at this stage, but I am sure you would agree to me at some point later in your life.
* It is incorrect to judge/assume that since your in-laws did not stay with their in-laws, hence they should not expect from you etc etc. May be it was not your MILs/ILs choice. Had they stayed together, you know your MIL would have also passed thru similar things as u.
* It is easier said than done that \";i will stay at old-age-home when i am old\";. Only some unlucky people know how bad it is. We will prefer to stay with our family at that age. And at that time, we will have to adjust, they will have to adjust. We know we will. But to make them ready to adjust, we will have prove it to them first.
* A MIL is mostly seen as a 'problem' by DILs. To resolve your MIL problem, ask yourself what is the final solution you are expecting - 1. are you expecting a situation where she is not with you? 2. Or that she behaves exactly the way you say? 3. Or you are expecting she behaves with you \";like a human\";, or the way she behaves with other people in family, where sweet & bitter moments keep coming?
Lets analyse. You know '2' is not possible. '1' may be possible depending on your conditions but I dont think that is the right choice, unless she is a really bad person and situation cant be handled.
'3' is possible but you will have to be mentally ready for it, be aware of what kind of bitter moments may come across, and how exactly u plan to deal with them. This situation might be something like - you agree o adjust at some places, she changes at some (think how u can achieve this, may be ask hubby to talk to MIL). Draw a line for yourself that u will not accept her tyranny beyond something. And then really really be sincere and true. In short - Stop looking negatively at everything she says, start accepting some petty things even if you know they are not right but wont harm you, and refuse things you dont accept. Let your MIL and hubby know you are doing this - open communication is v imp.
It is possible that MIL will still not change. Fine, you have your other choices then. But try and settle things first before reaching extremes, and \";tali ek haath se nahi bajegi\"; - be it you or her.
nokia
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I have a mixed opinion on the problems you have stated. May not sound right to you at this stage, but I am sure you would agree to me at some point later in your life.
* It is incorrect to judge/assume that since your in-laws did not stay with their in-laws, hence they should not expect from you etc etc. May be it was not your MILs/ILs choice. Had they stayed together, you know your MIL would have also passed thru similar things as u.
* It is easier said than done that \";i will stay at old-age-home when i am old\";. Only some unlucky people know how bad it is. We will prefer to stay with our family at that age. And at that time, we will have to adjust, they will have to adjust. We know we will. But to make them ready to adjust, we will have prove it to them first.
* A MIL is mostly seen as a 'problem' by DILs. To resolve your MIL problem, ask yourself what is the final solution you are expecting - 1. are you expecting a situation where she is not with you? 2. Or that she behaves exactly the way you say? 3. Or you are expecting she behaves with you \";like a human\";, or the way she behaves with other people in family, where sweet & bitter moments keep coming?
Lets analyse. You know '2' is not possible. '1' may be possible depending on your conditions but I dont think that is the right choice, unless she is a really bad person and situation cant be handled.
'3' is possible but you will have to be mentally ready for it, be aware of what kind of bitter moments may come across, and how exactly u plan to deal with them. This situation might be something like - you agree o adjust at some places, she changes at some (think how u can achieve this, may be ask hubby to talk to MIL). Draw a line for yourself that u will not accept her tyranny beyond something. And then really really be sincere and true. In short - Stop looking negatively at everything she says, start accepting some petty things even if you know they are not right but wont harm you, and refuse things you dont accept. Let your MIL and hubby know you are doing this - open communication is v imp.
It is possible that MIL will still not change. Fine, you have your other choices then. But try and settle things first before reaching extremes, and \";tali ek haath se nahi bajegi\"; - be it you or her.
nokia
swati replied. just curious as to when did the inlaws move in? b4 or after kids? this is for those DILs who live in US and their husbands have sponsored the parents. did the inlaws live with the son at time of marriage or moved later? cos mine r planning to move in and tell my husband that 'have fun for now' and i guess they plan to take care of kids as well once we have them. they r very persistent and would move in most likely- so its just stressing me.
swati replied. my inlaws r just the typical ones. My MIL never had inlaws- they died during partition. But, she definitely wants to move in with us and be the dictator.
We live in US and they live in middle east. MIL creates fights between us so that we dont bond- strategy is to divide and rule.
We can all take a step by not sponsoring inlaws to US. U c how we have the domestic violence act VAWA which was established by desis in US, we need to do something along those lines. The USCIS should call the DILs secretly and seek their permission b4 the sons can sponsor the inlaws. Any ideas??
a friend replied. Dear Angelica,
I very well understand what u r going through.
My mil is almost similar to urs except she shows all these tantrums each and everyday when we visit her in India during our vacation (so instead of enjoying we end up badly spoiling it n getting into fights). Not only that when we r not in India her phone drama is always going on. I am so glad I am not living with her!
These inlaws can never change :(
Yes, we can surely talk about all these problems in this forum n let the stress out!
Hope things get better at ur end, Good Luck!
freakydesi replied. Hi Guys,
I want to add one thing here. People who are dissatisfied with you will never be happy no matter what you do.
This is a catch22 situation for all of us. We can't throw them out of our house and we can't live with them either.
My in-laws are living with us in the US since last 8yrs. And in these years my life has been a living hell most of the time. My husband and me never shared any bonding or understanding coz they never let us.
My mil meddles in all our affairs. They trash the house like anything coz conveniently when it comes to cleaning its our house. But when they visit their 3 daughters, she keeps instructing my kids and us how we should not do this or that as the house will get dirty. My FIL will be so careful too when he goes there.
Just this morning I found a banana peel and a green chilly sitting on the carpet in the family room since last night.
She comments on everything I do. Untill now I never replied her back but kept doing whatever I want. If I take my kids out for activity she is mad coz it seems we don't cook on saturdays. Me and my husband are busy Saturday afternoons with kids activity so we don't cook and get something from outside or eat left overs and then we cook in the evening. We get food for them too which she will eat very tastefully commenting on which pasta or soup she prefers but then she keeps nagging me that everybody cooks on saturday whereas we don't.
She commented about this on Friday and on Saturday morning I just took my kids for karate and then went to the mall and only returned at 3:00 pm. I was like what were you thinking, if u nag I will stop doing that. NO WAY!! I will do it all the more....
Whenever I am talking to my kids, she will be talking to them in parallel. Whenever I am feeding them, she will butt in and pull the plate from me and starts feeding them.
She will constantly comment on everything we do. Gosh! when I reach home, I have no peace. She has so many comments on me and my kids.
She cooks spicy food and then when the kids don't eat it, she gets upset with me. If I want to make something for myself, she is angry again.
God, help me. All I every prayed to god was for peace of mind and that's the only thing I don't have.
Well the only way to deal with their stress is to ignore them. I royally ignore and don't answer anything she asks or comments. And if I really have to answer, I just say ask ur son or I don't know.
But I never argue with her or reply back. I give her shock treatment. Sometimes nice and sometimes indifferent....
Also I never give up my life style for them. If I want to do something that makes me happy, I do it.
I have realized she is not going anywhere and also she has her son in her control so she has a win win situation. I have just learnt to ignore her and her comments and lead my own life...
freakydesi replied. Hi Guys,
I want to add one thing here. People who are dissatisfied with you will never be happy no matter what you do.
This is a catch22 situation for all of us. We can't throw them out of our house and we can't live with them either.
My in-laws are living with us in the US since last 8yrs. And in these years my life has been a living hell most of the time. My husband and me never shared any bonding or understanding coz they never let us.
My mil meddles in all our affairs. They trash the house like anything coz conveniently when it comes to cleaning its our house. But when they visit their 3 daughters, she keeps instructing my kids and us how we should not do this or that as the house will get dirty. My FIL will be so careful too when he goes there.
Just this morning I found a banana peel and a green chilly sitting on the carpet in the family room since last night.
She comments on everything I do. Untill now I never replied her back but kept doing whatever I want. If I take my kids out for activity she is mad coz it seems we don't cook on saturdays. Me and my husband are busy Saturday afternoons with kids activity so we don't cook and get something from outside or eat left overs and then we cook in the evening. We get food for them too which she will eat very tastefully commenting on which pasta or soup she prefers but then she keeps nagging me that everybody cooks on saturday whereas we don't.
She commented about this on Friday and on Saturday morning I just took my kids for karate and then went to the mall and only returned at 3:00 pm. I was like what were you thinking, if u nag I will stop doing that. NO WAY!! I will do it all the more....
Whenever I am talking to my kids, she will be talking to them in parallel. Whenever I am feeding them, she will butt in and pull the plate from me and starts feeding them.
She will constantly comment on everything we do. Gosh! when I reach home, I have no peace. She has so many comments on me and my kids.
She cooks spicy food and then when the kids don't eat it, she gets upset with me. If I want to make something for myself, she is angry again.
God, help me. All I every prayed to god was for peace of mind and that's the only thing I don't have.
Well the only way to deal with their stress is to ignore them. I royally ignore and don't answer anything she asks or comments. And if I really have to answer, I just say ask ur son or I don't know.
But I never argue with her or reply back. I give her shock treatment. Sometimes nice and sometimes indifferent....
Also I never give up my life style for them. If I want to do something that makes me happy, I do it.
I have realized she is not going anywhere and also she has her son in her control so she has a win win situation. I have just learnt to ignore her and her comments and lead my own life...
Angelica replied. Hi,
Obviously we know that there is no solution to the problem that we are experiencing which is why we put with a lot of crap!There is no question about the self centeredness of the generation of Indians above 50!. We too could have made several excuses to say we have no choice but to have the inlaws not live with us! There is never a case when it was not a choice not to have them live with you! This is pure naivette that makes you say so. All the reasons that existed at the time of my inlaws choosing to have their inlaws live in the village are valid even today for us! It is our goodness that inspite of knowing how stressful each visit of theirs has been for us we are letting them stay here.The irony is the same Indian cultural values that preach that the eldest son take care of his parents in old age also preach that old people must enter \";vanaprastha\"; and sever emotional or material ties to worldly attachments. But does anyone follow this?
As for us in our old age obviously we do not know yet what exactly our situation will be but at least we will be sensitive to our kids' situation and not have limitless expectations of them because we are directly experiencing the stress of it right now. The generation of current inlaws have gotten away without this stress and therefore refuse to understand or acknowledge this point of view. No one is expecting solutions when none exist all we do is look for ways to handle the stress!
2006-03-07
#1
Name: swati Subject: comment
just curious as to when did the inlaws move in? b4 or after kids? this is for those DILs who live in US and their husbands have sponsored the parents. did the inlaws live with the son at time of marriage or moved later? cos mine r planning to move in and tell my husband that 'have fun for now' and i guess they plan to take care of kids as well once we have them. they r very persistent and would move in most likely- so its just stressing me.
2006-03-07
#2
Name: swati Subject: me too
my inlaws r just the typical ones. My MIL never had inlaws- they died during partition. But, she definitely wants to move in with us and be the dictator.
We live in US and they live in middle east. MIL creates fights between us so that we dont bond- strategy is to divide and rule.
We can all take a step by not sponsoring inlaws to US. U c how we have the domestic violence act VAWA which was established by desis in US, we need to do something along those lines. The USCIS should call the DILs secretly and seek their permission b4 the sons can sponsor the inlaws. Any ideas??
2006-03-06
#3
Name: a friend Subject: I understand...
Dear Angelica,
I very well understand what u r going through.
My mil is almost similar to urs except she shows all these tantrums each and everyday when we visit her in India during our vacation (so instead of enjoying we end up badly spoiling it n getting into fights). Not only that when we r not in India her phone drama is always going on. I am so glad I am not living with her!
These inlaws can never change :(
Yes, we can surely talk about all these problems in this forum n let the stress out!
Hope things get better at ur end, Good Luck!
2006-03-06
#4
Name: freakydesi Subject: lost
Hi Guys,
I want to add one thing here. People who are dissatisfied with you will never be happy no matter what you do.
This is a catch22 situation for all of us. We can't throw them out of our house and we can't live with them either.
My in-laws are living with us in the US since last 8yrs. And in these years my life has been a living hell most of the time. My husband and me never shared any bonding or understanding coz they never let us.
My mil meddles in all our affairs. They trash the house like anything coz conveniently when it comes to cleaning its our house. But when they visit their 3 daughters, she keeps instructing my kids and us how we should not do this or that as the house will get dirty. My FIL will be so careful too when he goes there.
Just this morning I found a banana peel and a green chilly sitting on the carpet in the family room since last night.
She comments on everything I do. Untill now I never replied her back but kept doing whatever I want. If I take my kids out for activity she is mad coz it seems we don't cook on saturdays. Me and my husband are busy Saturday afternoons with kids activity so we don't cook and get something from outside or eat left overs and then we cook in the evening. We get food for them too which she will eat very tastefully commenting on which pasta or soup she prefers but then she keeps nagging me that everybody cooks on saturday whereas we don't.
She commented about this on Friday and on Saturday morning I just took my kids for karate and then went to the mall and only returned at 3:00 pm. I was like what were you thinking, if u nag I will stop doing that. NO WAY!! I will do it all the more....
Whenever I am talking to my kids, she will be talking to them in parallel. Whenever I am feeding them, she will butt in and pull the plate from me and starts feeding them.
She will constantly comment on everything we do. Gosh! when I reach home, I have no peace. She has so many comments on me and my kids.
She cooks spicy food and then when the kids don't eat it, she gets upset with me. If I want to make something for myself, she is angry again.
God, help me. All I every prayed to god was for peace of mind and that's the only thing I don't have.
Well the only way to deal with their stress is to ignore them. I royally ignore and don't answer anything she asks or comments. And if I really have to answer, I just say ask ur son or I don't know.
But I never argue with her or reply back. I give her shock treatment. Sometimes nice and sometimes indifferent....
Also I never give up my life style for them. If I want to do something that makes me happy, I do it.
I have realized she is not going anywhere and also she has her son in her control so she has a win win situation. I have just learnt to ignore her and her comments and lead my own life...
2006-03-06
#5
Name: Angelica Subject: tantrums
Hi freakydesi,
I agree we have a lost cause. Thanks for your suggestion however I have tried it already amd MIL freaks out screaming and crying that I do pay her enough attention and even complains to all her sons and relatives about it.Her tantrums make me sick! My hubby makes me apologise to her even if he knows it not my fault just to make her feel better. So your approach does not work in my case.Once one of our close friends visited and instinctively walked straight towards me and my husband greeting us warmly first before saying Namaste to her, She made a big issue of that and cried and sulked about it for hours until my hubby had to apologize to her on his friend's behalf, She never stopped bad mouthing that friend ever since! That is the kind of person she is extremely demanding emotionally and insecure. So your approach just makes matters worse for me I will be apologizing to her everyday as if it is my daily prayer!
2006-03-06
#6
Name: freakydesi Subject: lost
Hi Guys,
I want to add one thing here. People who are dissatisfied with you will never be happy no matter what you do.
This is a catch22 situation for all of us. We can't throw them out of our house and we can't live with them either.
My in-laws are living with us in the US since last 8yrs. And in these years my life has been a living hell most of the time. My husband and me never shared any bonding or understanding coz they never let us.
My mil meddles in all our affairs. They trash the house like anything coz conveniently when it comes to cleaning its our house. But when they visit their 3 daughters, she keeps instructing my kids and us how we should not do this or that as the house will get dirty. My FIL will be so careful too when he goes there.
Just this morning I found a banana peel and a green chilly sitting on the carpet in the family room since last night.
She comments on everything I do. Untill now I never replied her back but kept doing whatever I want. If I take my kids out for activity she is mad coz it seems we don't cook on saturdays. Me and my husband are busy Saturday afternoons with kids activity so we don't cook and get something from outside or eat left overs and then we cook in the evening. We get food for them too which she will eat very tastefully commenting on which pasta or soup she prefers but then she keeps nagging me that everybody cooks on saturday whereas we don't.
She commented about this on Friday and on Saturday morning I just took my kids for karate and then went to the mall and only returned at 3:00 pm. I was like what were you thinking, if u nag I will stop doing that. NO WAY!! I will do it all the more....
Whenever I am talking to my kids, she will be talking to them in parallel. Whenever I am feeding them, she will butt in and pull the plate from me and starts feeding them.
She will constantly comment on everything we do. Gosh! when I reach home, I have no peace. She has so many comments on me and my kids.
She cooks spicy food and then when the kids don't eat it, she gets upset with me. If I want to make something for myself, she is angry again.
God, help me. All I every prayed to god was for peace of mind and that's the only thing I don't have.
Well the only way to deal with their stress is to ignore them. I royally ignore and don't answer anything she asks or comments. And if I really have to answer, I just say ask ur son or I don't know.
But I never argue with her or reply back. I give her shock treatment. Sometimes nice and sometimes indifferent....
Also I never give up my life style for them. If I want to do something that makes me happy, I do it.
I have realized she is not going anywhere and also she has her son in her control so she has a win win situation. I have just learnt to ignore her and her comments and lead my own life...
2006-03-06
#7
Name: Angelica Subject: naivette
Hi,
Obviously we know that there is no solution to the problem that we are experiencing which is why we put with a lot of crap!There is no question about the self centeredness of the generation of Indians above 50!. We too could have made several excuses to say we have no choice but to have the inlaws not live with us! There is never a case when it was not a choice not to have them live with you! This is pure naivette that makes you say so. All the reasons that existed at the time of my inlaws choosing to have their inlaws live in the village are valid even today for us! It is our goodness that inspite of knowing how stressful each visit of theirs has been for us we are letting them stay here.The irony is the same Indian cultural values that preach that the eldest son take care of his parents in old age also preach that old people must enter \";vanaprastha\"; and sever emotional or material ties to worldly attachments. But does anyone follow this?
As for us in our old age obviously we do not know yet what exactly our situation will be but at least we will be sensitive to our kids' situation and not have limitless expectations of them because we are directly experiencing the stress of it right now. The generation of current inlaws have gotten away without this stress and therefore refuse to understand or acknowledge this point of view. No one is expecting solutions when none exist all we do is look for ways to handle the stress!
2006-03-08
#8
Name: so true Subject: vanaprastha
I keep bringing the same vanaprastha point to my husband all the time whenever he throws the "taking care of parents..dharma" to me.
I also foolishly believed in this coz my parents raised me into thinking of all the same hindu values.. and i did my best to be the best wife and dil.. but they literally took me to be a servant or something.
What worried me the most before i took severe measures was that they have driven their eldest son and his wife to divorce and somehow they stayed back for the sake of their child. The second son's wife literally makes my inlaw's tremble(she is that scary and crazy) and so they are good to her. And me who is good to them they go and be the worst.. so i literally was in depression when i became pregnant and they hinted on coming over to take care of me..when they didnt even be happy when they heard i was pregnant. They literally put the phone down on hearing the news..asked me in my 6th month if i suffered miscarriage and asked me if i was on bedrest even though i told them i was healthy,fine and about to deliver normally.
They even had a huge fight with my husband just days before my duedate accusing him of caring for his wife and inlaws(who had come for the delivery) and not his own parents.
So finally i just gave it to my husband that either he grows a spine and stands upto them or forgets about me and our child coz i cant live in a stressful situation. They wont come here to help me, they will create stress. They expect tea at 8, lunch at 12 tea at 4 and dinner at 8 and dont help around with anything and i will just run away if they come here..
And thanks to my good KARMA that they themselves did stupid things in acts of desperation and my husband came around realizing how silly and selfish his parents are.
We went to india finally and stayed with them for a few days before going to my parents place thinking that they will understand how if they are good to us we would stay with them longer but they instead told us(even though the saw their grandchild for the first time) that it is good we arent staying for long as it gets stressful with us around and not their regular lifestyle!
And now they are sending hints again that they want to come here... God i am so scared..but i know my husband will only have them here if i say so.. and that is what bugs me i dont want to do the wrong thing yet i cant invite stress into my house knowingly..
Sorry for ranting so long.. this helps!
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& Answers to Topic : Re: Angelica: self centred inlaws
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You ever wanted in one place.
No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : Re: Angelica: self centred inlaws
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No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : Re: Angelica: self centred inlaws
I feel that my husbands parents are using their son. My husband is from India and I am from the USA. He obtained his greencard and citizenship through me after coming here. He is a physician and obtained his residency training. I worked to earn for our family for two years until he got his job. Then he applied for his parents to visit us on a visiting visa. We were both wo... - Tina Shah [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
I agree they have completely double standards as I recently found out. I saw my husbands childhood photos when he was young. His parents claim they sacrificed everything for their kids and lived poor and behave like martyr parents. Got treated as free domestic servant. But the photos showed them dressed like Bollywood stars with watches and jewellery enjoying their life. O... - Tina [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. ... - Tina [View Message]
RE:Jadu on food?
Hi , I am facing the same thing.. I married my husband and we are not only from different caste but also different country. My in-laws are so nice to me on face but I can sense the jealousy and that inferiority majorly in my mother in law and my sister in law.. I never had such doubts but I experienced pain sadness , depression while they use to be nice .. and it was confu... - Noname [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
you think that excess sugar given to him by your mother in law, and thats why you are worried about your son, so dont take stress of this thing, your son is little now, after some years, he will stop eating sugar by selfly.... - nandita [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are dont like your mother in law behaviour then tell her on face, that you dont whenever she gave sugar to her son, so she may be stop giving sugar to him, and your porblem will be sort out.... - kamna [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are rudely talking with her, then this is not way to talking with your mother in law, you tell her in polite way, your son is her grand son, so she never think about his bad effects.... - ruchita [View Message]
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