Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Asalam O Alaikum People!
i have a problem and i am hoping somebody could help me out or give me some advice on what i should do....
well...to start off with i am reallly confused....i really dont know what to do....ok am gona try to make this short and simple...
well i have a boyfriend, he is 21 years old..and i am 17. i will be 18 this april 2006..he has come from pakistan two years ago, and is studing at uni, and also works here in UK....his cast is Pathan...his family lives back home in islamabad....and they are of middle class wealth wise....
i have known him for 5 months now...and we both really understand each other and get on....we both feel we love each other too...and are willing to do anything to be together....and also want to marry in the future....
he has told his family about me... and they are happy for him...and have no problems for him to marry over here in UK....(meaning marrying a british pakistani girl) and thats me ofcorse..
So he told me that i should also tel my mom about him...because we both dont want to hide anything or do anything behind our family's back...so we both think its right to tell our parents...
it was really hard to tell my mom about him....i was thinking thats she might be against this or get angry...but eventually i told her...and she was ok with it...at first she was quite. didnt talk to me much about it...but now she is fine with it...and has started talking to me properly...
she has spoken to my boyforend over the phone a couple of times...and really likes his personallity and is happy so far...she has also seen his pics...and is ok with it...BUT the problem is that he wants things to happen now..meaning..that he wants us to get engaged now and then get married in 2 years time or maybe 3 years....but i also thought this was too much and too quick...and mom also thinks that too....mom was trying to explain to him that...u have come here to study so thats ur main reason to be here...u have to complete your study's and so does my daughter... and if it is written in our kismat (destiny) this will happen.it will definetly happen..and that she is happy for us....but there is no rush...and lets not even think about getting engaed until atleast 3 years...
so that means i will be 20 in three years time...she thinks that is the right time for us because my boyfreind wil finesh his study's in 3 years time too as well as me....but my boyfriend is willing to wait for me but he wants to get engaged so that in these three years nobody her can ask for my rishta...and i agree with that but i am not sure if i am not sure if i am taking things serios...because this is a very important decision to make.....and i want to know if i am doing the right thing....my mom wants me to be happy...she is not trying to say dont marry him or anything like that...she is saying that we have to take things alittle bit slower ....she thinks that if she gets me angeaged now..ther is a long time to wait for marriage, and things could go wrong in between.or she thinks that we both might get bored of each other....and could end up with breaking this relation, and if that did happen that would be a big thing for us..and i dont want to put my moms head down....but then my boyfreind has his own problems too...he is going to pakistan in january...to his sisters wedding...and his family will ask about me....questions like...what are your plans now...we want to see her want to talk to her parents...her pictures? about my background.....things likewe think its time for you to marry now...and lots more..
but he is really confused and upset too....we both dont want to loose each other...we really love each other.....but sometimes i feel that am being too good and letting him do wat he only wants....and i do NOt want to go against my mom and force her to take any serios steps for me...mom is also very upset as it is..as she is a lone parent....dad doesnt live with us...she's brought me up on her own...i am the elderst child....and mom also had her thoughts about with who and how she wanted to get me married...but i went against her and told her i love sombody else and i want you to help me...i was lucky she wasent mad at me...and she helped me..she talked to him...so i am thankful to her...mom also is not really happy about how his wealth....am not saying mom wants me to marry a rich guy....she wants him to be atleast middle class...so they can afford me tooo...as they want me to stay back home in pak...they live in a rented home in islamabad..so that must mean they are not really gud wealth wise...but i am ready to live in any condition..but moms doesnt want me to..she watns my in laws to be wealthy enough so they could afford me to live with them....anyway at first mom also thought that he was trying to do this for the sake of a visa or a stay to stay in ukk.....as many guys do...but then she realised he is not htat type of person and i also know that...he loves me not my status...but right now mom has said to me....that she is leaving everything in my hands...and she wants me to think about what i am doing.....and my boyfriend has said to me thats lets leave things and see what happens for now....
ok so this is my problem....sorry peole it was long and boring for you...but this is a really important thing in my life...SO please could anyone help me and give me some good advice on what to do? i have really been upset about this and dont know what to do...PLZ HELP!
thank you soo much....
NAZIA USA replied. Walaykum Asalaam

Concentrate on your studies and on your deen. Enjoy your single time. Marriage is not all that it seems it is. Enjoy the time you are not single. Focus on your studies, graduate so you have something in case it does not work out, stand on your own two feet, before you marry him or anyone. Seventeen is too young to make a decision. The things you want now or seek in him now may not be the things you need later. Focus on your school and on your deen. Stop talking to him and get him out of your mind.

Do istikhara for it if you are in doubt. shk replied. Pathans are very violent people, expert in jihad and every type of violence. Good luck. SR replied. Hi,

Hope you're well.

I think your Mum is right. You first need to concentrate on your studies and wait a few years before making such a decision.
If you do marry this guy, will you be moving back to Pakistan or both of you will start your new life in the UK? After living all your life in the UK, will you like it in Pakistan? These are things to consider.
Remember a normal holiday is fun but actually settling there is a different story.
I do not feel you're mature enough at the age of 17-18 to make that lifetime decision and you also are not sure if this really is love.
Best is wait 3 years and see how things are. es your Mum is right you might not even like him then. Breaking off an engagement will be harder than just breaking up a dating thing. And also at this stage you do not want to make this public among all your relatives incase things do not go in the direction intended.

All the best.