Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Asalam O Alaikum People!
i have a problem and i am hoping somebody could help me out or give me some advice on what i should do....
well...to start off with i am reallly confused....i really dont know what to do....ok am gona try to make this short and simple...
well i have a boyfriend, he is 21 years old..and i am 17. i will be 18 this april 2006..he has come from pakistan two years ago, and is studing at uni, and also works here in UK....his cast is Pathan...his family lives back home in islamabad....and they are of middle class wealth wise....
i have known him for 5 months now...and we both really understand each other and get on....we both feel we love each other too...and are willing to do anything to be together....and also want to marry in the future....
he has told his family about me... and they are happy for him...and have no problems for him to marry over here in UK....(meaning marrying a british pakistani girl) and thats me ofcorse..
So he told me that i should also tel my mom about him...because we both dont want to hide anything or do anything behind our family's back...so we both think its right to tell our parents...
it was really hard to tell my mom about him....i was thinking thats she might be against this or get angry...but eventually i told her...and she was ok with it...at first she was quite. didnt talk to me much about it...but now she is fine with it...and has started talking to me properly...
she has spoken to my boyforend over the phone a couple of times...and really likes his personallity and is happy so far...she has also seen his pics...and is ok with it...BUT the problem is that he wants things to happen now..meaning..that he wants us to get engaged now and then get married in 2 years time or maybe 3 years....but i also thought this was too much and too quick...and mom also thinks that too....mom was trying to explain to him that...u have come here to study so thats ur main reason to be here...u have to complete your study's and so does my daughter... and if it is written in our kismat (destiny) this will happen.it will definetly happen..and that she is happy for us....but there is no rush...and lets not even think about getting engaed until atleast 3 years...
so that means i will be 20 in three years time...she thinks that is the right time for us because my boyfreind wil finesh his study's in 3 years time too as well as me....but my boyfriend is willing to wait for me but he wants to get engaged so that in these three years nobody her can ask for my rishta...and i agree with that but i am not sure if i am not sure if i am taking things serios...because this is a very important decision to make.....and i want to know if i am doing the right thing....my mom wants me to be happy...she is not trying to say dont marry him or anything like that...she is saying that we have to take things alittle bit slower ....she thinks that if she gets me angeaged now..ther is a long time to wait for marriage, and things could go wrong in between.or she thinks that we both might get bored of each other....and could end up with breaking this relation, and if that did happen that would be a big thing for us..and i dont want to put my moms head down....but then my boyfreind has his own problems too...he is going to pakistan in january...to his sisters wedding...and his family will ask about me....questions like...what are your plans now...we want to see her want to talk to her parents...her pictures? about my background.....things likewe think its time for you to marry now...and lots more..
but he is really confused and upset too....we both dont want to loose each other...we really love each other.....but sometimes i feel that am being too good and letting him do wat he only wants....and i do NOt want to go against my mom and force her to take any serios steps for me...mom is also very upset as it is..as she is a lone parent....dad doesnt live with us...she's brought me up on her own...i am the elderst child....and mom also had her thoughts about with who and how she wanted to get me married...but i went against her and told her i love sombody else and i want you to help me...i was lucky she wasent mad at me...and she helped me..she talked to him...so i am thankful to her...mom also is not really happy about how his wealth....am not saying mom wants me to marry a rich guy....she wants him to be atleast middle class...so they can afford me tooo...as they want me to stay back home in pak...they live in a rented home in islamabad..so that must mean they are not really gud wealth wise...but i am ready to live in any condition..but moms doesnt want me to..she watns my in laws to be wealthy enough so they could afford me to live with them....anyway at first mom also thought that he was trying to do this for the sake of a visa or a stay to stay in ukk.....as many guys do...but then she realised he is not htat type of person and i also know that...he loves me not my status...but right now mom has said to me....that she is leaving everything in my hands...and she wants me to think about what i am doing.....and my boyfriend has said to me thats lets leave things and see what happens for now....
ok so this is my problem....sorry peole it was long and boring for you...but this is a really important thing in my life...SO please could anyone help me and give me some good advice on what to do? i have really been upset about this and dont know what to do...PLZ HELP!
thank you soo much....
NAZIA counsellor4u replied. hii nazia
as i hv read ur problem, n i think u r being too foolish.do not mind on my words coz i m really gonna be straightforward to u.the guy u r talking abt, u know him only since 5 months or so.u know even 5 generations r not enuf to get to know whethr what is there deep in the heart of the person u love(if he hides his real self).u know u said that the ur bf called his parents and they said yes, do u know y? coz u r a british national or else they would have never agreed.they r using ur status,ur citizenship.what do u think, one day u break up the news of love to ur parents they agree, no!! if they agree means they have their selfish motives behind. trust me on that, ppl do anything just to be a british national,evn kill.so marriage is a left hand work, u said that they live in a rented house in pakistan which shows their financial status.money cannot buy love but love cannot survive withhout money.what if tomorrow when u gt married u need to think of every penny and u need to even compromise on the basic needs of life.its very easy to say no probs, i love him. but when u will be in the situation u will curse urself and remember u mom. she knows the world better than u.
trust me.
dont do anything in a hurry
firstly u reply to my msg and then i will tell u more...
gud bye and have a wonderful life
Ne replied. Hi Nazia,

Sorry to reply late. Although its easier to say then done but , In my opinion think from brain not heart. Is a Long term commitment and u must focus on financial aspect. u must give time to ur relationship bcoz five months is two early to be in Life term committment. I am advising u on my experiences. I did the same mistake. don't think emotionally. If u both are dedicated or devoted to each other then ur relationalship can survive without the bond of engagement also. All i can is Analysis his family background, nature etc. Families are very important.Think about practical implementation . Give time to u , u r still very young. Listen to ur MOM as she is more experienced.
Wait Wait Wait...

Best Wishes to u.




Nadia replied. I know this may not be what you want to hear. But you are so young and this is not the right time to be making such big decisions that will affect your whole life. Take it slow. You still have no idea about his family backgroung etc. All you know his him. A marriage/engagement is between two families not two people. so keep all that in mind. take it slow. In the future make a trup to pakistan, check his family out and then decide but wait for 2 yrs atleast. You are too young right now for getting engaged and all. friend replied. As much as you would hate to hear this, your mom is right! They seem like traditonal family and right now you may think you can live in any condition but practically that can be very difficult! It is too early for you right now! I personally think that even 20 is a very young age to be engaged! Everyone gets married and settles down, but first you must be very very sure. It is also very imporatnt for women to be financially, emotionally and mentally independent before they get married.
Please listen to your mother and stick your ground.