Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I am going through a tough time in life and i need advise to handle this in a smart and polite
way.

I got married 2 years back and ours is a love marriage.Our parents arranged it finally after 3
years of wait period as we both belong to the same community.Now I and my husband are in US.

The problem is My co-sister and MIL.My husband's elder brother got married just 6 months before our marriage and now they have 2 years old baby girl.They live in dubai and both of them earn well.Since from their marriage my BIL doesnt send money for MIL's family expenses(they live in India) and my FIL has got much debts and my husband used to send all his money after his expense, everymonth to my FIL to finish off the debts.But FIL has poor money management that he still has much debt.Even after our marriage my husband only is sending money for FIL's debts,MIL's debt,Their family expenses,MIL's second sister's son's education expenses,Mil's mothers medical expenses etc etc..So far I never told anything for that. We didnt have much savings for ourselves. And now I feel something unusual in everyone's behaviour. I doubt that,They seem to be very selfish and exploiting my husband?!

My FIL behaves as if somebody else has borrowed money, he doesnt seem to realize the pain of
having surplus debts and the pain of repayment and mental stress for us to repay his debts. Still he is doing poor money management and he asks only my husband to send money and he
never asks my BIL because he has HIS FAMILY...!!!(thats what my MIL and her first sister says). Is that like because still we dont have child, I and my husband are not a FAMILY?
FYI: My husband postponed our baby plan for first 2 years so that he can finish off my FIL's
debts.But unfortunately that didnt happen and i made him realise the importance of having our
own baby on time.Now we are on the way.

My MIL has got her own debts and for that also my husband has to send money to pay off both
interest and Principal.Though it gets paid off again after 4 months i think she gets loan again from the same person and keep saying that she needs money to pay the interest this that..... She and her 1st sister never agreed for our marriage and because my husband was stubborn they had to accept.(My husband told me this even before marriage..He is very loyal to me and more loving and caring person).

During my past 2 India trips (once for completing my exam and another for my father's death) they used to be very partial between me and my Co-sis.They will be very concerned about her but to me they will behave as if I dont deserve this life and my husband has to spend money for everything.But they did Jewellery and all for her baby shower and kids Jewellery for her daughter in our money.But when my husband asked what did you do with the money, they told its all spent for something something.They didnt reveal that they used it to make Jewellery for
co-sis.

My Co-sister is very smart that she will not take much money with her when she makes trip to
India.She will pretend as if they are not earning much (but BIL and Co-sis are earning very well...they dont have tax too for their income in the country they live....So it's the same like my husband's income).She used to tell loudly that \"; You guys are earning in US
dollars....So you can afford.We can never imagine those ....\"; like that in the kitchen where myself,MIL,MIL's sister will be there. So that again she makes her point clear. That sounds She is so jealous to me...Am i right? Also she was telling to my husband that \"; Why dont you guys come back to India and settle.If you guys grow your kid(not even born) there in US, she will not be close with my daughter\"; like that....As if she is close with me....?! Growing my kid is our concern and why she wants to poke her nose in this? I went mad after hearing this
but remained calm as i was in my MIL's house. During our stay she showed off as if she is very
close to my husband.She used to sit near my husband while MIL takes \";Dhirushti\"; and while
dining and serving and all.She typically neglected me and spoke with my husband only and no one ever seems concerned abt not caring me. Also she insisted to my husband to make trip to
India every year without worrying about money (!!) and definitely for next year for her
daughter's ear-piercing.She insisted this to him many times in front of FIL,MIL and never
even invited me just for a sake. During our send off also she kept coming near to my husband
with her daughter to show off that her daughter is missing my husband much..!!! But her
daughter never even come near my husband and infact my husband felt bad abt this to me. But
she comes to me very well and for that also my MIL and her sister were wondering / commenting
how that kid is coming to me without hesitation..!!! I got to tell this to you as best example to judge her inner thought.....! My co-sister behaved very smartly that she invited me for a dress shop(even after telling that i am done with my shopping) and she has selected 2 expensive salwars for her and chose 2 old fashioned salwars for me and i said i dont want anything and when we came to billing section, she told me that \"; she forgot to bring her hand bag..! But she reminded me promptly to bring my own handbag before leaving the house......!!!!? Finally I paid her bill and I happened to know that she purchased very costly
dresses at her mothers place just 2 days before leaving to Dubai.....!!!!So that no one will
notice how much money she has and how expensive her dresses are....So that she can make people
think the same during her next visit too..!!! And she thinks she can make me and my husband fools...My MIL spoke with my husband during my absence and she made him to pay for my Co-sister's return flight expenses too...!!! But, My husband gave that money to MIL infront of me only.


I am fed up with these behaviours...

Also I have to mention abt my MIL's 1st sister and 2nd sister's son.First of all my MIL's
sister didnt like me from the beginning .She will behave differently with me when I am alone
and when I am with my husband. She wants to show to my husband that she treats me well.But she
conveys everything in an in-direct manner / cunning words and she and my co-sister are very friendly . I happened to notice once that they laugh themselves silently by making some comments on me.....They thought that I didnt notice but I noticed it.She always supports my co-sis .

And Mil's sister's son....he is such a mean guy.He used to open my handbag during my absence and will check how much money i have and when my husband takes me for shopping he will also stick with us and notice my shopping ,like how expensive I am buying and will go and tell to MIL and her sister and also he will choose expensive dresses for him...He is very expensive than my husband....You know, he took very expensive dresses though the size is not suitable and made my husband pay for those and again after 10 days he went back to the same shop and exchanged with his size...!!! He is such a calculative guy...and for him we used to send money for his education expenses, festivals and expensive gifts during india trips....His father doesnt care abt him at all. But I feel we dont owe anything to this guy and should I be committed to spend my money on him henceforth too?

Everyone behaves differently to me during the presence and absence of my husband. I never felt

comfortable when i was at my in-laws place.I have a feel like I am being noticed always and
being commented sometimes .When i dress up well, my MIL's ssiter and my co-sister will exchange silent nasty looks and smile silently, for which I felt so uneasy and felt like going out of the place.


Some of the above i told to my husband when i reached the extremity and some i didnt.Because we both are very understandng and loving.And my husband expects me to handle this in smart way. I want to handle this without hurting my husband and also to let my in-laws know their boundaries and should make them feel it.Also they should feel like we never need to spend each and everything for them and we have our own life to live with.When i look at my husband's friends they live much better life and they dont spend their money like this.They buy more properties and they are planning to maintain their status even after return to India.I am much afraid that if we / my husband spends blindly for such people then we will not be left out anything for our life.

After experiencing all these, It looks like They are exploiting me and my husband.

Shall i tell my husband not to send money to his people often henceforth? How should i handle
those mean in-laws?

Need your valuable suggestions.

Please note that I do know that in-laws will be like this only.But I want to save our life and hard earned money from such mean people and wnt to establish a social status for my family,I mean me and my husband and our kid. Also i know these people will never walk with us throughout our life.Once their needs are met then they will never look back.Before that i want to make my husband understand this.

Thanks.
Divya replied. Hi Neelima,
You are really trapped among smart and cunning people and the best way to deal with them is to be like them.
Try to be friendly with your mil and tell her that you people were not planning to have a child as you are sending money to them.
Don't go for shopping when you are at their place, you can do that at your home and don't show those dresses to them.You can tell them that you didn't do much shopping.Keep your things locked .Also tell all their behaviour to your husband , don't hide anything from him.Your co-sister is not doing anything and she is getting all the care and concern due to her cunningness.
Start telling in front ofyour mil that in US expenses are also so high, you are surviving there hard to save any money.Also you can mention that in dubai living expenses are not so high and one can have good savings there.
Good that you are planning your baby,also keep telling ur inlaws that in US one need to have a lot of savings to have a baby.
Your co-sis is jealous of you.Make sure your husband doesn't fall to her loving talks.
If she sits near your husband and talk to him and not you, you start talking to your husband generally and don't give her chance.
Understand that no one will be ever concerned if someone is neglecting you or treating you badly.You have to stand up yourself.Your husband understands you.Tell him that you feel lonely and he shd pay more attention to you and be more with you when you are at their place.
Your husband has to pay for your mil's sister's son education.Keep on asking him how his grades are and that he shd be good in his studies.Ask your husband to do so telling him that he needs to supervise him as he is elder brother.Youd don't need to send any gifts to him.Tell your husband that you won't be able to maintain all those expenses once you have kids so better to lower the expectations from now only.
You don't have to pay for your co-sis's flight tickets.Your husband should understand this.Tell your husband to discuss monetary things with you.
Don't hide anything from your husband thinking that he will get hurt.He needs to know how his family behaves with you.Try to gain sympathy from him.
They are surely exploiting your husband as he is letting that done.Once he raises his voice than probably things will change.Take your husband your side and play smart.