Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I do not have a very good relationship with my-laws, but these days no new problems have come up. I'm in the US right now.And I'll be visiting India for vacation for 2 months.
As the days are coming closer, I'm really very scared about the idea itself.
My question is : my MIL is known for sarcastic remarks, which hurt me.
How shud I respond when I'm in India during such a situation..?
Shud I just smile then in front of her and fume and curse her later or should I answer her back right away..?
Also note that she doesn't mind passing sarcastic remarks abt me in front of her sons..she does not care abt anyone..she doesn't seem to even understand that her words are harsh..
In so many situations earlier, while speaking to her on the phone, I feel hurt abt her remarks and later when I say those things to my hubby, he doesn't seem to find any fault in that at all!!!
But when I fight with him to make him understand,he calls up his parents and advises them not to talk to me like that.
They say..especially my MIL says what did she say such a thing that hurt me..she acts so innocent and says all those things are for my good only.
Who is she to think abt my well=being..?if at all...?
How shud I react to such sarcastic remarks when I 'm in India...?
Ignore..?answer back ? or smile and keep quiet..?

Hosai replied. Pray to your Creator. When all else fails, and nothing works, turn to prayer. In times of aversity, in times of hardship, and in good times, God is always aware of you. We were not left negligent in this life, this world was not created for mere sport. This is a test, and you must not turn away or let your hard get hard. Pray to your Creator, pray to the Creator who created you, and created your ML. Pray for forgiveness, and pray for relief! Turn to your Creator, and pray for help, and guidance.

You have no idea how much my heart goes out to you. When I read your letter, and you said how you had tried everything and still nothing works, I felt so bad for you. I felt so sorry for you. To think that someone is going through so much pain and anguish over one single person, and beaten to such a pulp that they feel emotionally withdrawn, and they're heart feels so numb from it, and so broken over and over again. I feel your pain, and your frusrtation. It is terrible what you are going through, and terrible what your mother in law does so rentlessly to you. Be assured, all this is not in vain. This is not the end of the line. This won't last forever God-willingly.

And your mother in law...don't think she won't get her due. If justice escapes in this world, than you can be assured that on the day of judgement, ALL JUSTICE will be payed, and every single person will get their payment, in reward, or punishment, or both.

My situation is different from yours, and in some ways better, and in some ways worse. All I know is that what benifited me the most in all of this was my faith. My faith in my Creator, my prayers, and reading the Koran, and contemplating upon the meaning of the verses, and their impact life in general. From everything I tried to use to help me with my situation, nothing worked better than faith. I can NOT emphasize how much it has really helped me.

I was never used to this kind of pain, the inalws pain, the struggle with trying to get over the hurt that was so constant, that knawed at my heart day and night, that haunted my thoughts so I was never free of it. I started hating myself, my life, I cried so much at the pain caused by strangers, having been done so rentlessly, so coldly when I wanted nothing more than kindness, nothing short of respect. It is so sad that some people like your ML thrive on causing someone so much pain, and live on the edge of causing someone so much misery who is supposed to be dear and near to them who is their own son's wife. It is sad, so sad, and terrible to think that if they just get over their arrogance, and just change the quality of their thoughts, everyone would be so much happier and everyone would benfit, especially their poor, poor daughter-in-laws.

It was like this for a long time for me, and the battle is not over yet, but I have learned above all TO RELY ON MY CREATOR for everything!! For my way out of darkenss, for releif after pain, for a way out of a struggle in life I was facing. I learned not to depend on anyone else for my sanity or my peace but God Almighty, and learned to accept my life and my situation with the laws, and tried my best to fashion out of it something good, something that would not make me so suckled into the pain, my happiness so dependant on how someone else felt about me.

I did many things, I read novels, I talked with friends, I started up new hobbies that go for so long that get lost,- but the BEST LASTING impact on my life was my faith in my CREATOR. I can tell you how much GOOD this has done in my life. I can not express to you how awesome it is to finally be free and not care what my inlaws think, and just live my life - because my life is for God, and I serve him, not them.

Yes, I still cry. Yes, I still get hurt sometimes. But for the most part, I have accepted God's will that is how things are supposed to be, and like everything it is a test on me. It does not mean God has favoured me or put me down for my affliction, I know it is a test on me, of whether in this hardship I will turn to him, or turn away, and let my heart grow hard, and bitter, and turn to someone or something else other than him to relieve my burden.

I know this is not the end of the line for me, or you. None of this drama means anything in the end. It will not sustain us after we die. Having good in laws or bad inlaws are just the conveniences and incoveniences of this life, and they will leave us ALL at the grave. When we die, everything leaves us, except for our good deeds.

And in all, God is the only consistent source of power in our life. God has is always with me, and with you, you just have to open your heart and believe, and pray for guidance and assistance.
Have hope, and faith, and know your pain is not for nothing and your all alone in this because you are not alone! Dont' think no one understands or cares, because that is not true either.

Chapter The Folded Up

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

[81.1] When the sun is covered,
[81.2] And when the stars darken,
[81.3] And when the mountains are made to pass away,
[81.4] And when the camels are left untended,
[81.5] And when the wild animals are made to go forth,
[81.6] And when the seas are set on fire,
[81.7] And when souls are united,
[81.8] And when the female infant buried alive is asked
[81.9] For what sin she was killed,
[81.10] And when the books are spread,
[81.11] And when the heaven has its covering removed,
[81.12] And when the hell is kindled up,
[81.13] And when the garden is brought nigh,
[81.14] Every soul shall (then) know what it has prepared.
[81.15] But nay! I swear by the stars,
[81.16] That run their course (and) hide themselves,
[81.17] And the night when it departs,
[81.18] And the morning when it brightens,
[81.19] Most surely it is the Word of an honored messenger,
[81.20] The processor of strength, having an honorable place with the Lord of the Dominion,
[81.21] One (to be) obeyed, and faithful in trust.
[81.22] And your companion is not gone mad.
[81.23] And of a truth he saw himself on the clear horizon.
[81.24] Nor of the unseen is he a tenacious concealer.
[81.25] Nor is it the word of the cursed Saytan,
[81.26] Whither then will you go?
[81.27] It is naught but a reminder for the nations,
[81.28] For him among you who pleases to go straight.
[81.29] And you do not please except that Allah please, the Lord of the worlds.

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Please have faith, and know you are not alone in your struggles. Many girls have gone through what you are going through, and this road of pain and misery caused by mean and nasty ML's is meant to be gotten over, and beaten God-willingly. You will make it God-willingly. Don't be afriad. Take her out of your mind. Your too precious to be hurt by her any longer. Get her out of your mind and your system. YOu don't need her to sustain your sanity. She is nothing. Nothing. I know it is not easy, I know it hurt like AAAA crazy numbing pain, but accept what IS - and do the best you can with it - and pray and pray and pray - and if she makes you cry again so what - just don't let her totally win you over and crush that awesome person you are - and try to come out of this a better and stronger person. It is possible. It is. It will be okay God-willingly.

And I am sorry if I have made things worse in any way for you. Please forgive me.

It will be okay God-willinlgy.
Hosai replied. I would just keep quiet. I would just say nothing, and make the silence speak for itself. Do you think if you break down and cry, do you think she would be moved?

And what if you pulled her aside and talked with her? And emotionally made an appeal as how much pain she is causing you by her words, would she be moved?

Have you though of writing her a letter? Maybe this way she would really get the messge cause it would rigth there in her own hands, a hard permanent copy of your pain.

Do what works best for you. There are many alernatives. Be thankful to your Creator for not having to live with her.

Just go there and have fun. Don't think too much about it. You sanity and peace do not orbit around what she says, so put it out of your mind. Help replied. I have found that when my MIL made comments that were sacrastic or just rude that I would say something back. This always put me into trouble. Most of time because my husband was not there and when I did tell him about he would confront her like your husband, but that neever did any good. She would just cry and make him feel guilty. She would never admit that things she would say were wrong, adn then on top of that she would just strating talking about the things I did...it was very childish and it never amounted to her changing at all. SO my advice is to just keep quiet for the limited time you are there. I once said something back and my husband was there so he got mad at me for being disrespectful, but he did not know that she had been making commenst for the past week that were rude and sarcastic...so all my answering back did was get myself into a fight with him...i know it really hard to hold your tongue but trust me it is for the best. i hope thishelps. N replied. Dear Worried

My advise would be to confront her, ask her calmly, dont get angrey, 'wht do you say these hurtful things to me?'

In-lwas can nevet take confrontation, esp my MIL and FIL, but when i do that they just bcos silent, as i'm not talking back, being dis-respectful, hurting them etc, i'm just asking a simple question.

If ur MIL gets really uptight, ask ur FIL if his mother was hurtful to ur MIL, then watch what happens.

Hope this helps, give it a try, let me know, also try not to take things out on ur husband, its not his fault he has rude parents. Ask him this question ' if we have a girl and when she gets married if her MIL said this...and she came back home and was upset, how would you feel?? obviously hurt bcos your little girl was upset, so how do my parents feel or how do u think i feel when i get the very same thing??

A husband and wife should share their happiness and their sadness, just as me and my husband do, otherwise whats the point in going round the fire to get married and take ur marriage promises?

N