Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Dear friends,

You will all be amazed to hear my story. But before that i have few questions to ask -

1. Do parents, in my case in-laws, can become selfish to such an extend that ceases to recognise the efforts of their son / daughter-in-law in improving the status of the family? Not only that they feel that my only 2 yr old is totally our responsibility and they shd not be tied down. They don't even take her out for walks or drop her to pre-school. They have gone to the extend of saying that 'make your own arangements for the baby' and left for UK for 6 months leaving me struggling with my job, house and baby!
2 They keep bragging about achievements of my husbands elder brother who is a doc settled in UK, belitting me and my husband all the time.
3. Do children staying & slogging in India are worth peanuts? Do we deserve this treatment.
4. Are we just suppose to listen since they are our parents and not retaliate? Since we are staying in a house owned by them, we are subjected to maltreatment & disrespect. Doen't young deserve respect from elders?
4. Do they have a right to insult us, say humilitating things like - what have you done for us...or you guys are not worth living with.

I am working in a good corporate firm while my husband is running his civil repairs business, he is a civil engineer. We have a two yr told girl.

The current status of our house - both me n my husband are agonised by events in the past 1 yr and how they have behaved. We indulge in minimum basic talks with them....a sort of cold war! Nobody laughs or smiles...everything is a big formality. A little fun is added on by our daughter but that's it. Both of us have totally lost love and just pretending to be little respectful but actually we have started to hate them for their carelessness and selfish attitude.

Not to make this one sided, my in-laws are both highly educated, they are diabetic. they are into rigrous health and fitness regimes. My FIL is running another business in which my husband also has a major stake and he infact does a lot of touring. But my FIL has told me many times in anger that he doesn't want to work with him. But my hubby ignores all such shit from him as he knows that due to internal clashes business will suffer.

Please help me.....i am feeling miserable. My baby does not go to my MIL, she will not waer clothers or feed from her although she likes my FIL company. Why are they behaving like this? What horrendous crime have we done? I can't even seperate out as both of us are not that financially strong to buy/rent a house, acc to out standards in Mumbai.

mitra replied. hi
i have been sufferring from such things and was feeling quite sad until i came to this page and started reading about many such women like me - well educated and working in corporate companies - yes sufferring at home and not-much-different from those less-educated females who \";bear\"; with their inlaws and cook and look after kids with the saree's pallu on their heads. Ironical, isnt it? :)

well, for your family's issues with the in-laws, i leave it to you and your hubby to sort out.
But for you as a working person with a kid, i can suggest some points.

what city do you live in? i am in delhi and here, having a 24-hour maid is a very common trend. If not a 24-hour one, have one for the whole day. I have one, who takes care of my daughter. Dont worry about 'how the kid will stay and what she will learn with the maid'. I have seen many families here who keep kids with maids and kids are growing well. The search for a right maid might be longer - might take 2-3 months in the trial-and error process - but be patient. I generally finalize one after changing 1-2 maids! I prefer one who is little educated, not beautiful, and is humble. I generally am very easy and lineant with the maid, and make sure she gets more-food-than-expected, and some time for herself. All my maids have stayed very long time with me.

I have also strictly drawn out her responsibilities. I have trained her to refuse for tasks she is not supposed to do (example - make my in-laws' bed. I think they are energetic enough to make their own bed).

Yes, arguments happen over the maid's resposibilities and the way she works, and that she might be a thief and drink milk, eat malai etc. But i ignore it. I sometimes give milk to my maid and even give her malai and ghee. If she is getting this officially, i know she wont steal. You see, you will have to first discuss and decide tis with your hubby and then take the step. Given that your hubby is with you, i think this should not be an issue.

Secondly, now my dayghter is 3 and i am expecting another baby. Till now, i used to cook breakfast, lunch and daughter's tiffin. Dinner was cooked my MIL. Now, i would stop cooking entirely. The reason is - i am a working person and want to concentrate on my daughter's studies, her upbringing and general management of the house. After a 9am-8pm job, i have little time. I have hired another local maid for jhadoo-pocha, dusting, and all additional responsibilities, so that the full-time maid gets balanced tasks.

Another reason to have additional maid was complaints from my MIL - after seeing a maid in the house, MIL was reluctant to work for her own things too. To avoid clashes, i sacrificed on money.
By this time, my full-time maid is trained in cooking.

I have traded-off this with the money i am giving to the maids. But its worth it. What am i earning for?

If anybody complains about food cooked by maid and not bahoo, I am prepared to answer.

You will still have to be careful with maid, and make frequent calls to home to check if things are ok, sometimes give surprise visits, etc.

Hope these tips help you.
a mitra