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Role of in-laws:in one month my hubby has changed...plz plz help
2005-11-06
Name: jeena



I have never shared a good relation with my in-laws.they have been rude to me and insulted me and my family in many ways in the past.They had even demanded dowry.Whenever i would talk with my mother in law she always had something harsh to say and as for my father in law,he only wants us to come back to india that is all and is always gaining sympathy.
Basically when i got really fed up and one day when i called them,again m mother in law started talking really bad stuff like...hamare bete ne jahan bola humne utha ke shadi kara di etc.
I lost my cool and said that they should be happy in their children's happiness.This is all that is said and she made a huge hoo haa about it and cried to my BIL.My BIL called my husband in office the next day and spoke about all this.
I was shocked to know that instead of being even slightly repentant they made me look like the monster.anyways i hardly spoke to them after that on the phone.Now last month my parents came to usa and stayed at my brother's place.I went to visit them there,and for one month my husband was here.
I donlt know what happened i am sure they have brainwashed him and made him feel guilty for everything,he has changed sooo much.
We were planning to go to india as soon as possible to meet our families.We had applied for visa date and now have got the visa date in january.
The thing is it will be very very cold in north india during this time (i am from mumbai,he from north india)and also for some personal reason we are going to india again for sure in june.
Now what i told him was let us not go now and wait out 5 more months and go in june directly.this way we will save a lot of money and also avoid the cold.we can extend the visa date to later.
but he is adamant and says i have changed my mind only after meeting my parents,that they have brainwashed me and that bcoz i met them now i don't care if he meets his parents or not.
he has been calling me names eversince.
another reason i want to stay is i want to join a class that starts in jan and ends in march.
if i don;t join this then the next batch starts in may and ends in july.again i cannot join as we again have to go to india.
he behaves so miserly when it comes to other things but to go to india 2 times in 6 months he does not mind.
I am actually thinking of walking out as he has become violent with me.
he is so different.
i do not feel like having kids with him as i do not want them to suffer his tantrums and take them to his native place in cold and extreme hot season.the power also goes every now and then at his place.
moreover i do not want my kids to have such grandparents too.
today i might avoid the situations but when i have kids i will have to take themwith me.
plz help as i am going through hell.

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2005-11-21
#1
Anonymous Name: nee
Subject:  be strong and set ur priorities



Hi jeena,
Really sad to hear another story. Men will be Men always especially Indian Men. I strongly support ur decision about not haveing kids from him. Bcoz once u'll have kids u'll be tied up and forced to bear a undesired relationships just for the sake of them.
Listen to ur heart if u r insecure don't ever think of future commitments.
Set ur priorities bfore its too late.
Until & unless ur husband understands u ,don't ever think of kids etc.
Think dear. Be financially independent.
Tell him married partener means supporter not a dominator.
Best of luck.
Nee
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2005-11-09
#2
Anonymous Name: jeena
Subject:  you are right



thanks tony and sunflower.
the thing that makes me feel worse is that before i gt married to my husband,i had made it very clear about how involved i will be in their life and vice-versa.right from the beginning i knew what i would get into if i had not kept my conditions and asked him to promise me,but now after almost 3 yrs of marriage he has started comparing his parents to not only my parents but also to parents of friends.he behaves as if it's perfectly normal.
i am fed up and losing my mind and health thinking about this.
if he had not promised me then i would not have married him,and life would have been simpler.
how could he at that time say something and get me to marry him,and now behave differently.
i know i am going to repent over this,but a better option would be to just look ahead and not think about what could have been.
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2005-11-08
#3
Anonymous Name: Tony S
Subject:  just leave



Hey Jeena,
U r brave girl - u actually slapped your husband. How many girls out there have the guts to do that ? U know u should just pack and leave, divorce him, take up a job and be independent. He does not deserve u. U r too good for him. Beause once a man slaps his wife, no matter how sorry he feels that time he is sure to repeat it in the future . This is because men feel now she is married to me she cannot get away from me. U go ahead - be one of those women to prove these animal like creatures wrong. All the best to u.
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2005-11-07
#4
Anonymous Name: sunflower
Subject:  i feel bad for you.



jeena dear my heart goes out to you.please take care of yourself first and think about yourself first.
i understand that you should'nt have raised your hand but then if you husband is too and heavy built then he too should have thought before hitting you with his full force.when we women hit it's usually not felt at all by men.
frankly i think your husband is foolish if he wants to spend so much and he also cares more about his family than about you or your health and your studies.
i think you should think about yourself and do what you think is good for you.please do not even care about anyone else.just do what you think is right,for your health,education,you family your life,that's all.
only you can love yourself the most.
if u ask me i would say,you are very young.if you are educated and can earn,then take a break now.if not and if your parents can support you,that is also good.if you love him a lot and want to give him one more chance,that is also a fine,but do not expect much out of him and keep you options open.
love,sonia
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2005-11-07
#5
Anonymous Name: jeena
Subject:  thank you i am feeling better



Thanks girls,I now feel encouraged and i am glad to know that i am not wrong.i want to confess that the night he slapped me,i too was very angry and was hitting him on his arm,then he came back and starting hitting me lightly again but it hurt.i warned him but he did'nt stop,so i slapped him first.after this he got up and slapped me 100 times harder that that.when he slapped me it was so hard that i think i almost lost consiousness and it hurt so bad that i thought i was bleeding inside.i had to be taken to emergency and there the doc examined me with some machine and asked some questions and said i had suffered from a cancussion and that my hearing in one ear would be less temporarily.it's been 3 days and i still cannot hear well with that ear.he said if that happens and any more symptoms then i should see my family doctor.
i am small built and weak meaning i don't keep well most of the times,whereas he is tall and heavy built and i am sure he hit with all his force and that caused all this,
i do not know how to forgive this man if i lose my hearing even a bit.
yesterday i bled lightly from m left ear.i feel helpless right now but am trying to compose myself and trying to distract myself by studying.i was healthy before marriage but after marriage i keep unwell most of the times and now this and i'm only 27.
your replies have helped a lot.
thank you
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2005-11-07
#6
Anonymous Name: sunflower
Subject:  i was in a similar situation



Almost exactly the same thing happened to me a year ago.my in-laws were verbally abusive with me and used to taunt me for what my parents gave me and did not give me.they were the typical indian in-laws.all i had was that my husband was good.
he understood my pain.but then just a few months(2 months) when they came here to live with us they totally brainwashed him.
even for small small things they made him believe that i was wrong and they right.they were jealous to see our love.my monther in law went to the extent of lying to him about things that i had never said.i could even take my baby's swear that i had never said anything but my foolish husband believed all this and started behaving badly with me after they left.
i am an educated and decent woman and i could not take it any longer,and even though i had a 3 month old baby i decided to leave the day he raised his hand on me.
i left and started living with my parents who also live here in usa. today i am working,i am happy and at peace.
people tell me i have never looked better.
i am only 32 and i feel a new and more beautiful life has started.
my husband has made many calls in the past to me and to my parents asking us to forgive him and for me to come back,but i do not intend to go back to that hell ever again.
my only advice to you is that if he has fallen for their trap of guilt and pity then he will only keep falling deeper.it is best if you leave a foolish man now as soon as you can,or else you will have to leave him after 3/4 years.
hope you are able to make the right decision
sonia
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2005-11-07
#7
Anonymous Name: response
Subject:  Response



You are right, if he doesnt appreciate you right now, calls u name(which is a form of abuse) and is making stupid monetary decision. You should make the break now rather than wait for few more years of frustration and stuff.
You say he is getting physical? never ever tolerate that and call cops on him and before you do all this give him a chance.
Tell him that you wont tolerate physical abuse. Tell him you care about him but dowry,demands etc is not your scene. Tell him that what he earns is first for you both and then for his parents and that too if they need not just like that.
Tell him that you are his wife who will live all your life with him and if he mistreats you now, you will never trust him. And his mother was also such at one point of time. His mom and dad didnt fall from sky.
If he refuses to build a relation with you then just make a clean break and also warn that you will call cops on him if he lays a finger on you. Tell this to your brother and parents too, so that tommorow if he lies to cops or others it is not a shock to people. Be strong and make the right decision.
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