Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hiya!
I've been married for 3-years-this-dec now and it was a head-over-heels in love marriage.
I have a brother-in-law who is younger than my husband and older than me and a mom-in-law.All of us live in different cities.My husband and i dont live in India and my MIL and BIL live in 2 different cities in India.
Now the issue is this.MIL is a widowed parent and she's in her mid-50s now.She used to teach but soon after my marriage she quit her job 'in case she has to travel ad visit her sons'.Quite honestly i find this a bit ridiculous coz my own parents are much older and still working and productive.In any case,the main issue is this- she's got this guilt trip scene going on since she lives alone and she's 'lonely and has nothing to do' and her sons are not with her.
I wouldn't call myself a staunch feminist but yes,i've always been of the opinion that the situation for married women is grossly unfair.This is because if the girl leaves her home and parents after marriage then the husband has no right to ask her to live with his family instead!I had discussed this with my husband before we got married as well and he said he respected how i felt about this.
NOw suddenly since my MIL is unemployed and a self proclaimed 'old person'..(even thought MY parents are not!)there's this unpoken pressure from almost everyone that she should live with us.
My husband doesn't outright say it but i sense he agrees.
I am unbearably angry and feel cheated and lied to.
Please share your thoughts with me and help. swati replied. I completely agree with u. I am in a similar scenario where my husband asked me b4 marriage if it'd be ok for his parents to live with me after retirement. They live in middle east rite now and MIL already has a greencard as of this year. They r so keen on living in US that my SIL has already sponsored them since she's a US citizen. I said 'yes' but inside I knew that I'd hate that. I can't stand my inlaws. And, if u think abt it, I didn't even know these people (it was arranged marriage) and it was unfair of my hubby to ask me such a question. I strongly feel there's no point in discussing these things b4 getting married cos u never know what your future holds. In these uncertain times- who knows- my hubby could be unemployed(we live in US), the cold weather may not suit my inlaws etc etc.
I understand u feel cheated and rightly so. But, I am more like your husband in the sense that he promised u that your MIL wont stay with u guys but probably thot at the time \";i will worry abt it in the future since my mom wont b living with us rite away anyways- so will think abt it when the time comes\";. He probably hasnt told his mom abt the promise he made to u.
BTW, my FIL got sick last year and MIL called my hubby to tell him 'how lonely she felt'. Now, shes with her hubby who's bed ridden for a week and how can u feel lonely?? Just needs attention from son. And I strongly beleive that what goes around comes around. Last month, my MIL got bed ridden. She has been so interfering in our lives and been so mean I feel sometimes that she has benn cursed. I beleive u should be fair in the sense that dont annoy your husband by asking him abt his broken promise. Let it go. This way atleast in his mind he will know that u r willing to accomodate (not permanently) inspite of knowing abt his promise to u. Plus, the BIL would be getting married too - so u could always split the time your MIL spends between u and the BIL. Its easier said than done. Make sure your husabnd listens 2 u otherwise. If he gets his way with u keeping his mom then make sure u have something else u get done. Also, make sure your family visits u as well so he knows that u have equal right to invite your family as well. Even he mite get a bit uncomfortable with your family staying with u guys even for a bit.
Good Luck!!!!!
Be fair replied. I can understand how you feel, I am under the same kind of pressure. To get my inlaws here. They are above 65 and have all the expectations of the world.
They act like some 20 year olds but want seva as if they were some handicapped people. It is ridiculous anyway, coming back to your story.

Tell your husband that there are 3 sons, and one house which mil herself has to tend to and she should distribute her time equally between all. As it is everybody's responsibility married or not to give company to her.
Whether or not you work is irrelevant, the mother should want to spend time with all her kids. Old or not.

Tell her tht if there is such a deal and understanding you wouldnt have any problem. After all if it were your parents you would think the same for them right?

It is this insecurity everybody gets when a couple is happily married that everybody wants to come in between in case the couple would be lost in each other.
So dont be mean and refuse, be diplomatic and make sure there is a clear understanding. Make her arrangements for her coming and going way in advance to be sure just in case.