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Role of in-laws:SIL's Drama's
2005-10-18
Name: canadian desi



Hi,

I need to vent about my very sneaky-smart SIL. She is married to my husband's older brother and has lived with our MIL and FIL for about 16-17 years. Now she has obviously earned her respect among our family and friends for having lived with them. But believe me, she only puts on a good face for the public. Inside, she has never been happy about living with them and her atitude is so bad, that everyone including her husband, MIL, FIL, myself and my hubby have to walk on eggshells around her. She is hypersensitive and no one dares to speak up around her even when she's behaving badly, like being rude or unkind to MIL. If anyone says something, there's a HUGE fight with mostly her yelling and crying. Me and my husband are fed up with her immature behaviour that's hurting so many people's feelings. I have offered to have MIL and FIL move in with us because of SIL's behaviour. I should also mention that my SIL has 4 children and has recently taken on a full time job. I get the feeling that she wants a career now, after all these years of being at home and she's finding it difficult to manage everything. I have two little ones myself and work as well. My SIL is from India and is very good at managing all the housework/cooking. I was born and raised in Canada. My biggest fear is that I don't know what I'm getting into by inviting my MIL and FIL to come and live with us, that I will regret it later. I worry about this because I can see my SIL is miserable even after so many years with them. Do you think she's just jealous because my husband and I live on our own, or should I be worried about them coming to live with us? They're not bad people, but MIL is not really much of a help with cleaning/cooking/kids as she's always complaining of aches and pains. Am I making a bad decision by inviting them to live with us? I'm just so tired of my SIL's constant dramas!
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2005-10-28
#1
Anonymous Name: wish you well
Subject:  you are selfish.



Did u take a minute to read your words. That lady stayed with her inlaws with 4 kids,no personal time(work) or space and u yourself described your inlaws. Would you have survived that?
No matter wherever one is born or raised, it is frustrating to not get a life of their own.
Rather than being a woman who understands other women's problem you are just thinking about yourself. What is wrong in her going to work and you sharing atleast 1% of your duties.

Obviously you havent lived with your inlaws and so your duties are long over due. I mean I dont mean to say that you are bad,but why complain on the name of your sil. Do it on the name of your inlaws. What do you want, for your peace of mind some other woman suffers life long?
Wouldnt you be jealous if you were in her place?
She atleast has some respect, there are so many ladies who suffer on the hands of their inlaws and get no credit, bcoz it is their dharma or whatever.

You need to do what you want, keep your inlaws,make them work,give them rest. But as long as your husband is their son it is as much your headache as the other son's.
Be mature,human and honest. Otherwise it will come back to bite you. All I am saying is dont blame somebody else for the problems that your inlaws are creating for you.
Good luck.
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2005-11-03
#2
Anonymous Name: canadiandesi
Subject:  Selfish???????



Excuse me? Did YOU take a minute to read my words? I clearly wrote that I'M the one who has invited my in-laws to come and live with us. Under NO PRESSURE from anyone including my hubby. In fact everyone is pretty dissappointed by my SIL behavior even after all these years. As I wrote in my earlier post, she's hurting people's feelings. I feel sorry for my in-laws and feel that by having them come and live with us, we can ALL (including my BIL/SIL) be a happy family again. Just because I voiced some internal fears and concerns, I don't understand how you can call me "selfish". From all the post's I read on this site, there are alot more selfish people out there. In fact, I haven't come across any situation where the DIL is actually asking her in-laws to move in with her! I think I'm being very un-selfish and looking at the good of the whole family. You accuse me of being a woman who doesn't understand other women, yet you fail to see that I was JUST voicing internal fears/concerns that many wonem have about living with in-laws. At no point did I suggest that I was not going to do my duty. I don't need you to tell me what my duty is because I already know it. You don't have all the details, but believe me I've been a very good DIL AND SIL ever since I got married!!!! Do you know my situation, because I can't understand how anyone could react angrily to what I wrote!
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2005-10-18
#3
Anonymous Name: Guddy
Subject:  Think twice



Hi,,
I somehow feel that your SIL behaves becoz she feels insecured. She has been living with in-laws with so many years, and very obvious that it would not be like her home (only your in-laws home). She might have been frustated that after all ,everything at home managed by her (you mentioned that your mil would not be of much help) and managing 4 kids also , she is not getting enough recognition. All these buried inside into a huge fire that outbursts at every incident for her. Until unless we live inside a family for sometime, we cannot judge or decide that person who shouts/yells is bad and person who is quiet is good. I hope you understand what I mean.

On the other hand, it could also be true that your in-laws and BIL are good, but your SIL is basically a hyperactive person.

Well, now the concern for you is whether you need to get your in-laws to stay with you. I would say \";think twice\"; if you are getting them permanently. Do they have a home of their own? Is there an option the your bil/sil live with their kids, and your inlaws in their own home? If that is there, then probably you guys can think of that, but of course, you can invite them to stay with you for few months. Also, by having them in your home for few months, you can judge how your life would be in their presence. Lot of things are there..Raising up kids, cooking, privacy with your husband, posessiveness, frustation of old in-laws , gossipping around etcetc..See that if there lifestyle suits yours. So better to get only a tourist visa or something which is valid for 6 months or so. If you think, you can manage and you really find that they are good enough for you to lead your own life in their presence also, you can go ahead and make a permanent VISA for them, otherwise you can always keep the option of saying \";VISA is not approved\";. anyway that comes later. Take care. Any decision, think twice in different angle, and sometimes it is good to think on our own side more. I hope this helps.
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2005-10-20
#4
Anonymous Name: canadian desi
Subject:  Thanks!



Your advice is good. Too often in our culture we are made to feel selfish if we consider our own needs. I am not an evil person who doesn't care if my husband's parents suffer, but I will consider all the options before making a permanent commitment to them living with us.
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