Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hello siss
i just want to ask u freinds that how can i change my husband's behaviour. he is short tempered and at times rude with anyone no matter elderly or younger to him. i try to explain him but when he does nt listens to me then i get short tempered tooo and we end up with a fight. i get really frustrated. further i am not taken more often to my parents place which is not sooo far. when i ask my hubby to take me he says that my inlaws should be taken along and soo on . i cant even stay at my parents place. i go rarely for a short duration and that also once in a blue moon.can anyone please suggest what shall i do. my hubby is caring but when we have a fight he doesnt bothers abt me. i m seeing a rift in our relationship and that is exactly what my inlaws dream of. i m very kind to them but still no one cares abt me but my hubby does. how can i change my husband's behaviour and plz suggest me how to convince him to take my to my parents place. u might say that make him realise abt my parents importance and how hurt i feel when i m not taken. i have tried everything crying,sobbing screaming out loud -take me to my parents house i beg u:
but i have no hearing and all i get is a deaf ear which makes me feel unwanted..
i cant do anything i m helpless i feel neglected and unwanted when my wishes and desires are trampled in the soil
plz help
thanking u always NS replied. Dear Ravina,

Its really sad to read ur story. Believe u r not alone in this world. Stand up for ur self. U have tried ur best ot adjust but now its the limit. Tell ur husband that u can't make him happy until & unless u r happy. Give all of them a warning not to challenge u. Tell them adjustments are over now , now u want ur rights. Be financially independent by any mean. Do not give much importance to all of them. Ignore them, don't be bechari. Be mentally, emotionally strong. Find out ways to be happy. If they won't allow u directly use indirect manners.
Only conculsion is face them boldly and do now bear injustice. Do respond if this has worked.
Best of luck. Life!! replied. Dear Ravina,

The golden rule to successful relationship is who has the control & power. Definately you don't in your case. So, action item No.1 take up a job ,be financially independent. Financial independence is the key to self confidence, emotional independence and self reliance. You don't learn this you will suffer.

Perfect Example: When nations negotiate for peace between countries they don't go cry and beg the other nations saying \";Please don't attack us, we are weak & submissive people\";. Infact they say if you don't stop crossing your lines, the next thing you will see is a nuclear bomb in your face\";.

So lady, do you understand now. But first things first: Get a job even if it is for small amount.

GOOD LUCK!! I am with you and was like you before. So I can understand your state completely. But one day you just have to shake yourself and get going.

Rashmi replied. Hi Ravina,

Your situation is very difficult. As I said before Fear can be crippling. Being afraid is very natural, but you cannot spend all your life in fear. At some point of time you will need to face your fear.

All of us have a reserve of inner strength. You will have to find it for yourself. Pray (not for God to solve your problems, but for finding the strength to face your problems). Meditate. Also read, read, read.

I am not sure if you have any money or not....But you seem to have access to internet. You can either buy self help books online. Or you can just search on goole with any of these terms \";mental health\";, mental toughness, assertiveness, positive attitude, spirituality. Read Read Read. It will broaden your mind. You will find strength to stand up to your husband and in laws. Inna replied. Hi Ravina,

Looks like you have internet access from home and your il's don't worry about it. You can chat with your parents on yahoo messenger if possible, if not you can write them emails. At least you would be able to talk to them in some way.

Try it out. Rashmi replied. Dear Ravina,

Your problem is that you are focussing too much on changing your husband's faults. Many (including me) have tried before without success.

The fact is you CANNOT change others. You however can change yourself.

Firstly why do want to be \";taken\"; to your parents' place? Why cant you go yourself? I know that sometimes fear cripples us but you have to overcome that fear. You have to slowly learn to be independant. DO NOT depend on your husband for anything.

Secondly you are not helpless. You have yourself. Learn to help yourself.

If you have desires, wishes, dreams take small steps and fulfil them yourself. Wake up, this is life. There is no \";happily ever after\"; There is no husband who will work to fulfil your desires and make your wishes come true. Such things happen only in movies.

Next time when you start thinking \";how can I make my husband do so and so thing?\"; STOP. Instead you think \";I want this. What can I do to make this happen?\"; and then take small steps to achieve your dreams.

All the best.
Inna replied. Hi Ravina,

I can understand how you must be feeling but the hard fact is ur husband is not going to change overnight. You did not mention how long have you been married and if you work?

I can understand your frustration but you have to take it slow. Don't get upset and don't pick up a fight. More you get upset and say something disturbing more it works against you. You have to learn to be calm. These people don't listen to ur crying and sobbing, be bold.

If you work u can always take some time off from work or leave early and visit ur parents on the way back from work. No one needs to know you visited them. Believe me your husband does not need to know everything that you do.

Be diplomatic and ask your husband if you can visit ur parents ... if not don't cry or give them the satisfaction that you are upset. If you have brother or sister have them come over and talk to ur husband or il's to let you go with them. Once in a while your parents can call to send you to live with them for a few days. Just be strong. Everything will be okay.

Good luck!