Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Dear Friends
As usual i have the same old trouble creating inlaws like most of us have...i have a big problem now friends...i feel like crying ..but i cannot cry also in this house...
I have a mother-in-law who doesn't atall like me and hate me to the core...atleast my fil was okay..my mil turned him to hate me too...they are very very possessive of their son...as every parent would be...and mil is so dominating that she does everything and not atall allow me to be with my husband alone...
now the matter is :
I recently gave birth to twins...and its my fate that my mother could not come for help...because of visa problems...so they both came to take care of the babies...not me...i know these thinsg will happen..but i have to keep quiet for everything....i told my husband that i can manage by myself...but still they came...
Now she does all the shopping for the kids, goes for grocery shopping....and both of them only allow me to breastfeed my babies..that's all...othertimes they will get the babies from me and have it always....my mil is such a bad lady ...always tell me to give formula to the babies...they will not allow me to eat a good food also...they will always tell something even if i put a another spoon of vegetable or food..if i tell my husband..he will say ...u don't tell anything eat whatever u want...and come...i do all the works, cutting vegetables, cleaning vessels, and cleaning home...finally she will act as if she does everything and show to her son....this would be horrible...
now they are planning to go back..saying that they are not feeling well and planning to take me with them with the kids...their plan is to have the kids with them...how can my kids be without their father...they are already newborns and premature babies...they are 1 month old..now...
I afraid to go stay with them...they plan is to stop me from giving breast milk...to the babies...they are waiting for my breastmilk to stop...look how horrible they are...
i cannot go to india with them ....with the kids...my husband says that they are the boss of the family and we have to listen to them...
why are the cruel like this...pl. suggest me what should i do to not to go to india...with them...i cannot use the computer now...they are back...
pl. suggest me
Inna replied. I would agree with some previous posts that you need to learn to act. These ILs and husbands do not know what you are going thru and what all you need.

Talk to you pediatrician and tell him/her that you need his/her help in this situation. He can tell you husband and his family pretty firmly that you and the kids are not in the condition for such a long travel. Also, the amount of pollution and environment is not good for premature babies ... give them atleast 6 months to a year before they can travel for 20 hrs and live in a different environment.

Tell your husband that the kids needs vaccination every month and it would be very difficult for you to get two small kids back here in 2 weeks. Tell him that what a kids need in the first few months is the mother's milk and closeness to the father.

If you have friends who have kids ... invite them over and talk to them in advance to bring up the topic that it is not a good idea to travel with such small kids.

Here is sth I got from internet should help you. The link is

http://www(dot)babycenter(dot)com/expert/baby/babytravel/7258.html

Question: At what age is it safe for my baby to fly?

Answer: Ideally, your baby should be at least 2 to 3 months old before he flies. By then, his immune system will be stronger and better able to resist infection, you'll have settled into a routine, and you'll both be comfortable with breast- or bottle-feeding. My biggest concern about flying with babies is exposing them to the recirculated air, since airplanes are real germfests, loaded with viruses and irritants. If you have a choice, it's a good idea to wait until your baby has built up immunity to common germs before flying.


As well as being more vulnerable to infection, younger babies often require more aggressive treatment if they do catch something.

If you must travel before then, your baby can fly after his 2-week checkup provided you had a normal, full-term pregnancy. Premature babies have lower resistance and are more susceptible to germs than full-term babies, so they're more at risk. Note that airlines do not allow any baby younger than 1 week to fly without a doctor's note.

you should be able to get a lot of other material on internet related to overseas travel with one month old kid.

Hope this helps and you get to stay here with your babies. I know these ILs can go to any extent if they have to but be strong and take charge. DOn't loose hope. Be positive and make your case. You'll have to make sure that no one else makes decisions for you or your babies. you have to take charge and tell them that everyone is saying it is not safe for the babies right now and you are not going. I know it won't be easy but pray to god exercise. This is the best medicine to make you strong. You won't believe how much energy these small things will give you.

good luck bala! JASMIN replied. HEY BALA
STOP PITY URSELF, DONOT DO THIS TO UR KIDS ,I U DONOT WANT TO DO NOBODY CAN TELL YOU DO DO SO JUSY DO A SMALL TRICK TELL UR BABIES PEDIATRICIAN TRULY ABOUT UR PROBLEM PEDIATRICIANS HELP MOMS LIKE U ,THEY CAN FIRMLY TELL UR HUSBAND AND MIL THAT IT IS RISKY,FOR SUCH SMALL KIDS TO TRAVEL WITHOUT PROPER INJECTIONS.
AND DEAR FRIEND IF TODAY U ARE NOT ABLE TO DECIDE THEN U CAN IMAGINE WHAT WILL BE UR FUTURE.
GOOD LUCK TO U geeta replied. your story is no different than mine bala.My fil is a very diplomatic person ,he can go to any extent and i really mean it to toture me ,my mil is bossy in nature and tries to rule everybody.Initially my husband agreed calling my mother for pregnancy but when he talked to his parents they were very furious at him and brainwashed him completely ,they also told my husband that he has committed a sin against god by not calling his mother,my husband felt very sorry for even thinking of calling my mother and finally decided to call my in laws for pregnancy.They also used to do the same things to me not allowing me to breasfeed my baby ,even they asked my husband not to talk to me so my husband didn't talk to me for 3 months forget about the help and support that you need from your husband after preganancy.So i was left alone all by myself ,they used to go out for a shopping leaving me with my newborn baby , i had a c section despite that my husband expected me to do everything.I was very depressed and finally i decided to fight for myself and requested my in laws and husband to call my parents.So my fil made a big plan,he called my parents but at the same time told my husband to disrespect them and to do everything possible so that they cannot even think of coming here again.The day my parents were to arrive here my in laws went to niagra falls with their friends ,my mil didn't bring even the grocery that week thinking that my parents are coming so i didn't have anything at home to eat and to cook for my parents.i asked my husband to bring the grocery he refused.
my parents went through such a pain and insult that i am scared to mention that.
When my in laws came from their friends place they asked my parents that my husband and i need a 6 months of separation this will increase the undersatding between me and my husband.
Finally one day my uncle called and wnated to talk to my dad ,my husband made a comment that it looks like our house is a hotel everybody is calling here.I was very furious and decided to move from my husbands house with my parents.
Luckily i am employed so i rented a new apartment and started my own life.
But i when i looked at my little daughter i felt that she needs a father so despite of whatever happened after 3 months living separately i decided to go back to my husband agreeing to all his conditions ,felt like crying have lost all my hopes now.after i came back things were worst than before but i think thats the destiny of all dil's.
I had lost all my faith now , i try to occupy myself with work but cannot still forget the things they did.My husband has cut off all the relations with my family ,if i had to call my parents i call from outside.
i can understand your situation very well ,all i can say is you have to fight your own battle ,so stop your in laws from doing this to you. Rashmi replied. I agree with all the responders here. You have to stand up for yourself and be firm.

Being firm does not mean you have to get down to their level. Just quietly and calmly tell your husband and your inlaws what you want for yourself and your babies.

If they start abusing just tell them in a calm voice to stop, that you will not take their abuse and go to your room with the babies.

If they start lecturing tell them that you are touched by their concern, but u have made up your mind to stay back.

If there is any physical abuse or force, call the police.

All the best, and do take care. nidhi replied. Hi,

Be bold as I have suffered the same when my child was born and i took a tough decision and stand by my child saying no body can take decision for my KIDS ... you have given them birth so wake up as u r mother and mother is supposed to protect the rights of the child until they are capable of doing for themselves.

Pl do keep your foot down and do not listen to them ...

Be lil tough to your husband and tell him sweetly but a right message that you cannot let your child go and explain him the need of father as he needs his parents your kids also needs father. Explain him that his grandparents cannot take place of his parents so how is it possible for you and your famiuly....

I am sure if your husband have any brains will understand your point.

All the best and cheer up first.

Nidhi saheli replied. Hi,
Don't loose heart. In-laws are quite capable of doing what they are doing to you but you have to believe in ur heart that there is just no way that you will go with them and just stick to it.
Maybe you can tell them that till one year, they need their vaccinations on time and its a big issue even if they miss one to get into schools eventually. Also just make up a story that the vaccination schedule and the type of vaccination they receive is different in India from what it is here. Also, just tell them that the pediatrician told u that.
Please don't even give this option a thought that you can go with them. They will make ur life miserable as if they haven't already. I can totally understand this possessiveness they have for kids. I went through the same torture. This is to show u that u are an outsider but the kids are part of the family. They wil try all sorts of things to let u and your kids have no bonding but its totally upto you to have it. Take the stroller, put the babies in there and just tell ur husband that you are going for a walk. No need to tell them that. Just walk out. If they ask you, just say oh I need some fresh air.
And when u r cutting vegetables and if the babies get up, just leave all the work and rush to them. They should be ur first priority. Even if you have to snatch the baby out of their hands, do that. Remember, you just need to believe that they are ur babies and no body can separate them from you. Rest everything can go to hell. That's the attitude you need. I experienced all these things too but I tried so hard to bond with my babies. I use to just take them out of the house and play with them. I use to walk around in grocery stores with my babies without buying any groceries just to be with them. I can totally understand your pain but remember if you don't bond with them, these people will never let you have that closeness with ur children. Now that my kids are older and crazy about me, my in-laws have backed out. Their tricks never worked though they and my 3 sils tried very hard. My in-laws permanently stay with me here in the US. So imagine my state.
Let them dominate and take over ur house, husband, kitchen everything but not the kids. Let her do shopping. While she is shopping u can be with the kids right. That should be ur penance.
Take Care and keep me posted.
Saheli suna,/ina replied. hii
i am really sorry to hear your situation..u know we dil can always play [politics to influence our husbands ...this is what you can do ...show your in laws that you are worst dil for them dont work at home when your hubby is in office pretend some ache back achew .,stomach ache ,head ache ,foot ache etc
when your hubby is at home try to help them and then when you go to bed again show youer hubby that oh you are too tired with the work .
they wouldnt want to take you with them and your hubby wouldnt want to let yoyu go with them seeing you working and tired ..if this also doesnt work tryt pretending that you are feeling giddy and faal for a moment ..try all this ...with thick skinned in laws only these tricks work ...they wii get scared
when you go to see doctor try to see him or her alone and ask her to tell your hubby to take good care of you an d you need rest ...play as much as politics you can ...and i know you can ...all of us can do that
regarding your babies let them keep them ..but yes if you want to feed them do it ..every night pretend of having breast ache because your milk is clogged as you couldnt feed them try to shed tears scream of pain ..scare a shit out of every body ...they would not dare deprive your babies of mothers milk
and eat what ever you want to eat let them say any thing ...try to just close your ears or ignore to what they say .....
remember women have the power to do any thing in this world ...but they have to use their brainds
try it
let me know if it works sneha replied. hii meme replied. Oh dear! First things first Bala you must assert your right as a mother. You absolutely must take care of your diet and not let others tell you how to eat. As a new mom and also coz you're breast feeding it is important to eat healthily and increase your intake or you will find your milk will dry up. Another thing is stress can dry it up. I myself have gone through the same and would like to remind you that you've got to take care of YOU!!!

It is all well and good to have someone willing to help out when you have a new baby and with two it would have been good for you. BUT... But it is being done the wrong way. You should be bonding with YOUR babies rather than only being allowed near them when it is time to feed.

Insist you are able to stay where you are when your in-laws travel. I forsee only unhappiness and if your suspitions are right it would be a bad move. I know it will be hard but you have got to fight for control here before it is too late Luhi replied. hi bala,

don't be afraid of your inlaws, just fight for your rights.

Take care
luhi