Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Dear Ladies
I have been married for 2 1/2 yrs and have had a very tough time with both my hubby and the in-laws. My hubby is the only child and his mother has been very protective towards him. As such, she did not want him to spend time with my family or have any interaction with them at all. As usual my hubby used to act on what she said, etc.. but recently he has admitted to me that he realises that he should not have listened to his mother. He admits that he has behaved incorrectly with me in the past, etc.. and that he has nothing against my family. He said that in the future, he will stay with my parents and start interacting with my family. He has basically admitted he will do whatever his mother has told him NOT to do.
Problem is - I CANNOT BELIEVE HIM. We had had so many arguments in the past, and he has always said that everything will be ok, but nothing changed. However, this is the first time he admitted that his mother was telling him to do this and he admitted many things against his parents. So I suppose he has realised... I want him to speak to his parents and ask them to stop interferring. And he wants to just deal with the situation as and when it arises... I do not feel relaxed until he tells his parents something, and he says I should believe him. I just feel within a few days or weeks or months, he will become the same again, even though he has admitted a lot to me about his parents. Please give me some advise on how to go on with this situation... Rashmi replied. Hi Soul,

It is not always easy for a person who has spent major part of his life just blindly obeying and being submissive to his parents to suddenly, stand up and voice out his opinions. Becoming assertive is not an overnight change. It will take time.

Meanwhile, you encourage him by being positive. Please dont nag him or criticise him when he fails to \";speak up\";. Instead, you can try to speak up for yourself. If you find your in-laws interfering, try to politely and calmly thank them for their advice and tell them that you will still go ahead with your own ideas. Dont wait for your husband to become assertive. Remember one thing, you can never change anybody else. They have to change themselves. You only have control over your ownself. uncommon_senses replied. One of the few things my grand-dad told me before he passed away:

Once a guy is married, he starts a new life and a new family. The words new life and new family hold real meaning. From now on when he says \";my family\"; he must remember that his \";family\"; is now his wife and his kids (if any) and it ENDS there. His parents/sister/brothers are no more technically \";his family\";. But Yes, he still does belong to his family, \";his old family\";. But they come second now. His wife and kids come first and that must be made clear from day one to the mother of the son. In defence of our parents, they have done an exemplary job raising us as kids, but we have to also remember that they dont know \";everything\"; about parenting. This is not their second time being parents with us. What I mean is that as parents you dont get to repeat the same 80 yrs of life again to correct u'r mistakes. And you know how we all have a track record of mistakes! Wish you the best. Yes, my mom agrees.
meme replied. Hi Soul,

I can understand how you're feeling and I can see why you would have trouble believing your hubby has changed but as you said he has made an admission he never has before... That he was following his mothers advice and that it was wrong.

That to me seems to be quite a big turn around, and it is the very first and most honest step toward change. He has accepted and admitted the root and truth of the problem. I personally don't feel you should confront his folks and ask them to quit interferng as I find I am more in agreeance with your hubby in dealing with the problems as they arise.

My reasoning for this is that if you were to say something now, with out reason (and yes I know you have reasons but what reason do you have right now?) it will seem quite accusitory and agressive. Better to make a display of assertive change as the need arises... I also feel that if you deal with individual situation you give more creedence to your requests rather than a generalized one. I do hope that made sense.

If you really feel the need to test your hubby's commitment to change, and I myself would feel similar, I would recommend that you try to navigate yourselves into such a situation... Will there be an opportunity for you to stay with your folks soon? Or is there something else that might have been opposed by your MIL that you could plan?

Really though Soul, he has admitted the very thing you have claimed is the problem all along and you know very well that most men never see their mothers as anything less than all seeing all knowing deities... This admission from him is a rarity among men and I do think he deserves a great big hug for making such an advance... Time will tell Soul but you must have faith until then... Bless you and all the best