Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

To all DILs,


When a woman marries , she thinks that she has found her soulmate....ek jeewansathi - the one who would always love her, take care of her & always be with her during her good & bad times, but what should a woman do if her husband starts hurting her emotionally, lets her suffer alone by not providing any emotional support/comfort, by holding her responsible for all the problems ? Girls, this is happening with me....I truly believe that my hubby is a nice man, but when his parents come into the picture, I just don't exist for him. I feel he treats me like a Rubber-Doll, who is supposed to smile all the time and doesn't have any feelings. I don't know whether he is doing this knowingly or unknownigly but the end result is that I am deeply hurt.

I and my in-laws live in different cities in India. My problem is not uncommon- am having a very tough time in maintaining a good relationship with my in-laws. Due to them, we ( I & my Hubby ) fight pretty often and its ruining our married life( Ofcourse my hubby would never agree with me). I try my level best not to bring their topic between us, but they never leave a chance to create tension between us. For the past few days, I have started feeling that their interference, their habbit of criticizing me, their controlling nature and my husband's BLIND FAITH in them are making me distant from my husband. I had a lot of respect for my husband earlier, but lately I have been noticing that he just can not speak against his parents.....rather he expects me not to utter a single word against them. I feel, he is like a puppet in his parents' hands- ofcourse he would call it love !! This is changing the impression that I had in my mind about my husband....I feel like he is being too WEAK in front of his parents. I used to think that he is a strong & balanced man , has lot of courage to handle things, but slowly I observed that basically he can not open his mouth in front of his mom-dad...no matter how wrong they are ! And I am more hurt -beacuse he doesn't want to listen to my view point. Every time I say anything about them- he just flares up & stops communicating with me...now I have stopped discussing this issue with him. I know its of no use.....it only worsens the siutuation between me & my hubby. I cry a lot when I am alone...I miss my home, my family. In short - he has shut my mouth , but he can not shut his parents mouth- who constantly nag & criticize me.


Please girls help me - tell me how should I interpret my husband's personality- On one hand he appears to be a very loving & caring husband (especially when he is in a good mood). He often says that he loves me & I believe him too... he takes good care of me when I am sick ,he takes me for shopping, movies, restaurants, his friend's places....but at the same time he hides many things from me like-I have seen him talking to his mom-dad privately ,sending them gifts /cheques/MOs etc without my knowledge. His mom once made a very very painful comment about me which I came to know later- and he didn't bother to tell me.. rather he lied to me that his mom didn't say such a thing- And I know for sure that his mom did make that statement. Whenever I ask him whether his parents said such & such thing- he always denies it and says its all in my mind, but I know for sure that he has always hid the facts from me....this is what I don't understand that why he has to lie to me ?? Why can't he be honest with me ? I have tried talking to him in various manners, tried explaining to him...I have requested to him many times to be truthful with me regarding this matter ....but he wouldn't listen. I think I am slowly loosing the trust upon him- as far as this issue is concerned- but he is least bothered.

I and my hubby otherwise get along okay - but the minute I talk about his mom-dad( even if it is a casual conversation), the whole atmosphere changes in our house....he would start blaming me directly or indirectly. He thinks that his mom-dad are PERFECT people....they can never do or say anything wrong. Eventually this leads to an aurgument and we end up fighting. And this has been happening very frequently now a days.....I feel terrbily hurt . I understand that its difficlut to admit parent's mistake- but what is the logic behind hurting my feelings, does he get any kind of satisfaction by talking rudely with me ? And why do I have to take this crap - all because his parents don't like me ??? Tell me- Am I expecting too much- all I want is just a few words of sympathy & support from my husband, may be a hug when I am hurt due to his parent's behavior and actions...but see the irony- he always doubles my pain :( - by making me feel responsible for all this mess. He never ever admits that his parents have been so unreasonable in the past.

I am treated like a stranger in their house, although they would never admit that. His mom keeps track of everything that is going on in our house right from my maid's name, her salary, my routine, my friends names , whom I talk to...and its pointless to say that my husband is the one who passes on this info to my MIL. She asks him very smartly about me and my hubby inncocently tells her everything . If my parents (by any chance) ask about my or my husband's well being then my MIL tells me that they should not interfere in our life...they should learn to maintain the privacy. But doesn't the same rule apply to my MIL as well- who wants to know everything about us ??? In my sasural, no one bothers to discuss anything with me...forget about discussing , I am not even told.

Deep inside my heart, I know my husband is a nice person.....but there is drastic change in his personality when his mom-dad make entry. Somehow, I am not able to accept the fact that he has no courage to point out his parent's mistakes. I wouldn't have felt so bad if he had been fair to both the parties....but he listens to his parents nasty & sharp comments and doesn't say a word....and when I have the same issues, he behaves with me so rudely and asks me to keep mum.

I love my husband but this WEAK side of his personality is changing my feelings towards him. I am really sad & hurt and don't know what to do ? I sincerely hope that things get better soon.

I would like to hear other's comments too. All DILs out there, please share your experiences and tell me how do I tackle this situation. I want to become emotionally stronger - what should I do ? Give me suggestions.
Katherine replied. You are in exactly the same situation I was in for quite a while. And I mean exactly. Thank you for sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone. My situation has gotten better after I finally put my foot down and told my husband that his denial of his parents' behavior was not accepatable and I somehow was able to get him to counseling for another issue. Having another neutral party hear what the relationship was (abnormal) between my husband and his parents helped him to understand better that what he was doing by not supporting me was wrong. He thought their relationship was normal because it is all he had ever known and was told by them that it was normal. What he found out was that they controlled him. More later, have to go tend to my little one. Thanks and good luck. You deserve for your husband to SUPPORT you, that is what he is for. deepa replied. Hi Kirthi,
Be happy that your inlaws are away from you staying in different city. Just imagine my fate with MIL at home!! So be happy about certain things.

I am a working mom. Office is bliss for me infact, its my life!! So, if you are a house wife, try to get out of the house for some time, indulge yourself in some activities and get your mind off from this mess. Dont let your life pass by like this, b'coz husbands would never understand their respective wives. They are totally blind folded by their mother's love!! swati replied. this is pretty common..interfering inlaws. u should read some of my posts.
husbands like to innocently tell every detail to mils and we bahus dont like it. husbands feel thier parents care so much and hence they ask. and i am sure since the bahu's family doesnt ask for details - they r not so caring (thats what your mil prob tells hubby). husbands dont understand the diff between interference and caring.
the best is not to talk abt his family on your own- dont bring the topic at all. If he does bring their topic, dont complain or prove your point against mil. he will not listen 2 u.
he will only get closer 2 mil if u complain cos mil prob never complains against u or does it in a very diplomatic way. i know u hate mil but sometimes say something positive abt her 2 hubby in mil's absence obviously. mil prob tells her son that u hate her and by complaining u prover mil's point. so saying a thing or 2 in mil's favor will change your hubby slowly. dont go out of the way though. u dont have 2 please mil but your hubby. thats why say positive things to your hubby abt mil to get him in your corner. u r too new but mil has raised your hubby she knows how 2 handle him. Ignoring is the best policy- they live far away- so its only phone calls- rite? who cares? u need time 2 adjust- believe me we all go thru the same.